Yeongwon
School is still a very difficult place for me to be in, it wasn't my favourite before and it would not be my favourite now, to put things frankly, I wished that I was homeschooled so that I don't have to go through all of this nonsense.
No one needed to hear awful things about themselves every day and it is not like it is true, there were never true and it is spoken just to make the target feel more worthless of themselves day by day and it just piles up. It will continue this way until the target surrenders and ends all of her sufferings by saying goodbye to this awful world, that is the only way to escape all of the awful things that affect them in their lives.
And it has almost brainwashed me once into making this awful yet delightful decision, if somebody was there to stop me from harming myself, I wouldn't even be alive and standing today. Hwang Minhyun was my saviour, I hate to admit it but it was true, he indeed stopped me from ending my life and allowed me to get myself another chance to live.
And I did, but he isn't here with me to help me from all of those people and I am starting to doubt myself that I am getting help and my life is going to change. Every day has been the same and it has been equally miserable and there is one thing that made me realize that I needed to have Hwang Minhyun next to me.
He wasn't there to have lunch with me in the school garden, or to even listen to me talk about my life. He hasn't been there all the time but it has made such a huge impact in my life, it was the first time that someone actually wanted to be in the same space as me and listen to my voice.
People would usually want to avoid me at all costs and pray that they don't see me but he was different, he paid attention to me and made me realise that I am just a regular human like anyone else in school but with a heart that has been broken and hammered into pieces by those people who thought that insults don't hurt anyone and it is just a joke.
Hwang Minhyun made me realize that it is not okay to keep mum about everything that I have been going through and defending myself as a regular human being against all of them and standing up for me, he even went into a fight with a classmate just because of me and I still feel so bad about it.
He didn't have to do it for me, he is tarnishing his reputation in school because of me and it is going to ruin his life forever. I hate that he is always going all out for me to make sure that I don't get hurt by those people but he should be thinking more about himself, he didn't even think how it is going to affect him if he is defending me and how those people are going to treat him from now on.
I really want to tell him to stop doing all of that and go back to minding his own business, but I can't do that. I just can't tell someone to stop being good to me and go back to ignore me, it is going to break me into pieces once again. I don't know what to do if he isn't there for me, I really needed him to feel normal in school and not being treated like a monster.
He was there standing by the school gates when I came out of school, I was the last one to leave my classroom because I was scared that something bad might happen to me and being the last to leave gives me the sense of assurance that nothing is going to happen to me on my way out. He was smiling as I walked nearer to him and I stopped right in front of me. "How was school? Still horrible?" He asked me.
"Why do you even have to ask that for?" I told him and we started walking to the bus stop, we were walking with a 10-centimetre distance and that is the distance that I feel most comfortable with because it is not too near or not too far.
"There are still 6 more days and I will be back in school and I will be keeping a lookout for Ha Sungwoon and Lee Sol, have they been doing anything to you today?" He asked me.
I shook my head. "I avoided everyone and I pretended that I was invisible so that they couldn't see me."
He nodded, satisfied with the answer that I gave him. "That's good, but sometimes you have to appear to let others know that you are in the same classroom as them and you exist."
"What's the point of being visible to them? You do know what they will do when they see me around, nothing good ever comes out of it." We reached the bus stop but he doesn't stop and he continues to walk. "Aren't we taking the bus from this bus stop?"
"I changed my mind of always being the good person to everyone, we are going somewhere and you will be going home a little later today." He said. "Don't worry, it wouldn't go over dinner time and your father wouldn't be angry."
"But I have to do my homework and--" He cuts me off and he shook his head. "Be a bad person today and forget about everyone that made you so upset, you will be happy in no time."
I glared at him, I am seriously not comfortable being outside with a bunch of people that I don't know and it is not a good thing for me. "If you are going to say no, I will not pick you after school anymore and your father is going to drive you to school. You wouldn't want that to happen right? Just relax, no-one will judge you for your looks outside and they might like you even more after this." He grabbed my wrist. "Trust me in this for once and you will thank me for the rest of your life for today."