On the drive home not much was said between Mum and myself. I remember looking out the window and thinking to myself how am I going to do this? I was also very angry that someone would think that I could just go and abort my baby or worst still carry it for nine months and give it away. I could not understand how anyone could do that. I know now that there are people that have done this and for good reason, but at the time I couldn't comprehend this or look outside the box as I was so head strong. My mind was racing all over the place.
We pulled in to the driveway and I again asked Mum not to say anything to anyone. She agreed and said " that's up to you Emily, but you are going to have to tell them". I went inside and not another word was said. Barry was in the lounge room, I looked at him as he watched the tv. I wasn't afraid of telling him and I really wanted too so I asked him if he could come with me and he did.
We sat I my bed and I looked at him and said " I'm having a baby". Barry didn't have any expression on his face but he similes and said "ok". I asked him not to say anything to anyone and he agreed also.
Barry over the years had hardened and he held his emotions close. Words that never left his mouth are Sorry and I love you. It's a bit said really but this is how he kept himself together. Barry was now 13 and going through a closed out stage. I worried about him all the time. He hated Arthur with a passion and at times he didn't like me, I think it may have been that I had moved out and not really kept in touch that much and I left him there to deal with Arthur all by himself.
I told Barry that I had thought about moving out and living with Jay now that I was pregnant and he just said " well that's up to you". So that night I called Jay and asked if we could talk.
Jay arrived after we had had some dinner. He knocked at the front door and no one else moved to open it. I opened the door and told mum we were going for a drive. Mum just said "don't be late, you've got school tomorrow".
We got to that car and Went for a drive. We ended up at the lookout. The lookout was on top of a hill just outside our town. Right below you was the river then lift your eyes and you see so many lights twinkling. This place used to make me smile. I would think it was magical thousands of fairies twinkling and spreading their fairy dust all over the town. Silly but that's how I felt about this place at the time.
When we first arrived we just sat there then Jay turned and looked at me "Emily, what did the doctor say" I told Jay what he had said. He then asked "what have you decided to do?" I turned side on towards the drivers seat and looked him in the eyes not knowing what to expect and said "Jay, I can't abort this baby and I can't carry it for 9 months and give it away. I want to keep it". He just looked at me and said "well I guess we are having a baby." He leant in and kissed me and smiled. We just sat there for a while not speaking just holding hands. Jay turned to me again and said "now that your pregnant you should move in with me" at this moment I had a tightening and stabbing pain go through my chest. I have had this before it is the feeling I get when I'm scared. I didn't respond. I know I told Barry I was probably going to move in with Jay but until this moment I really didn't know how I would feel. Fear ran through me from my head to my feet. This was real, I was having a baby at 15 and this guy wanted me to move in with him.
My childhood had disappeared in that instant. Jay got angry as I hadn't responded to what he had said. I looked at him and his eyes had turned grey again (I had come to learn when people's eyes change so does their mood and this was not a good thing). He leaned over and grab both my arms and squeezed them so tight "Emily this is my fucking child and you will be with me while your pregnant". I started to shake and said "Jay you're hurting me, let go of me". He lifted his hand and slapped me across the face so hard I felt my jaw click. I was confused and scared.
What just happened?
Why had he done this?
What did I do?
What do I do?
I had done karate for so long and at this moment I didn't even block the hit, I didn't respond. Where was my strength? I was completely lost and felt so weak. I started to cry and he looked at me and said " Emily I am so sorry, I don't know why I did that. I promise I will never do it again".
My only reaction was to look at him and I just couldn't stop crying. He kept apologizing and saying "it just that I love you so much and now we are having a baby I want to be there 100% and give you both everything you need". I don't know why but I melted after this and thought to myself, he didn't mean it he is just scared I'm sure he won't do it again. Maybe I deserved it because I didn't respond.He leaned in and kissed me and kept saying "I'm sorry hon I will never do it again, I just love you so much" over and over again.
We had sat there a while and then I said " Ok Jay I will move in with you". He smiled and kissed me again and said so when are you moving in. I told him it would be about a week so I could get my stuff together. He was fine with it and I had to tell my Mum.
We drove back to my place, it was really late by this stage. I walked inside and everyone was already in bed. I walked to my room and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and extremely swollen from the tears I had spilt and there was a red hand mark on my face. All I could think at this time was I'm glad Mum wasn't up as she just won't understand.
I woke up the next morning and got ready for school. My eyes were still swollen from crying the night before. Mum saw me and said "Emily what's wrong why have you been crying?". I looked at mum and said I haven't mum. She knew I was lying but she didn't push it.
I went to school and sat with my friends. I felt so out of place (not because they made me feel this way just because I was pregnant and moving out and having to grow up quick). I told them that I was moving in with Jay and that I probably wouldn't be coming back to school as it will just be too hard being pregnant and being at school. They were all upset and said "we will look after you please don't go" but my mind was made up.
When I got home that day Jay came over and Arthur was off work and mum was inside sitting at the kitchen table. Arthur was digging a hole for a pool out the back. Mum told Jay to sit down she wanted to chat. We all sat at the table and mum said "you have to look after her" Jay agreed he got a bit annoyed.I don't think mum realized but I did. Mum then said "well you have to go and tell Arthur". Jay said I will do it and he walked out the back. Mum and I followed. We stood on the veranda and watched as Jay approached Arthur. Arthur had a shovel in his hands Jay must have felt intimidated. I didn't here how Jay told him all I heard is Arthur say " are you fucking kidding me" he was not happy. I don't know why, he wasn't my dad. Jay and he continued to talk while mum and I walked back in to the table. I heard footsteps coming up the back stairs and they both came inside. Jay had told Arthur that he wanted me to move in with him. Arthur got to the table and said "well you better start getting your shit together as your moving in with him, we will be here if you need us though Emily". He wasn't happy but I guess finding out your stepdaughter was pregnant at 15 would be a bit of a shock. I told everyone I would move with him next week. After a while Jay left and mum said to me " Emily you don't have to move out, you can stay here". I told mum I had too as it wasn't fair on Jay. She said " the door is always open darlin, I love you".
The next day my Pa had arrived (he came most days for lunch as mum had started coming home at lunch time, have lunch then go back to work". Pa was coming in to town to go and visit his mother who was in the hospital due to her age (she was 99). Before Pa arrived my told me I had to tell Pa. I told her I didn't want to but knew I had too. This was going to be one of the hardest things I had ever done. My Pa was my hero and what would he think of me being pregnant at 15 and dropping out of school. The one thing I never wanted to do was disappoint my Pa.
Pa got out of the car and as usual he walked around to my Nan's door and opened it then helped her out. As Nan had not long been out of hospital Pa had to almost carry her as she was learning how to walk again. It didn't both him though he loved her with all his heart. The doctors told Pa if he didn't put Nan in a nursing home he would go before her. He told them "I will never do that, I told her in sickness and in health and that was a promise I will keep". What a man.
He sat Nan on a chair at our kitchen table and mum poured him a cup of tea. Mum then said "Dad, Emily has something to tell you....Go on Emily".
Oh I was nervous. I looked at him and his old eyes smiled at me. I thought to myself, here we go...
"I'm pregnant Pa" I said ever so softly. He turned to my Nan and said "Mum, Emily has been baking bread" Nan looked at his and managed to say "What!" With a gargling sound (she was also still learning to speak). "Emily is pregnant" he responded. Nan looked at me and with that same gargling voice said "what do you want me to knit you?". Wow not the response I was expecting but believe me I was relieved. I started to cry and Pa stood up and came and gave me a hug. For the first time in a long time I felt safe and ok.
"I love you Pa...."