Im sorry. I never update, and when I do, it's because people tell me too. That's only because people make me happy, and that's where I'm getting. Because people are my source of happiness, I always rely on other people for my feelings. I rarely give myself a feeling. It's usually someone else's.
Writing is my passion. It always has been since I was little. I write little things all the time. Writing is one of the only things I put my own feelings through.
I've been trying my hardest, but in the past couple of months I haven't been myself. It seems like I am, because I've sort of figured out how to act like my own self. At home, I'm still loud and proud, but only in front of my family.
Behind closed doors, I'm in a roller coaster that's only going down. I hate depending on people. They're never there when I need them. I'm always there for them.
I've never been the one to come out and say my problems, but after the past couple of weeks filled with nightmares of death, the thoughts kick in at the worst times. I'll be having the time of my life, and then just go silent. Because the reality of the fact that everyone I care about could be gone within seconds is horrifying. It shuts me down.
I haven't thought a completely straight thought in weeks. Everything's distorted.
All I ever wanted to do was to make people happy. I'm doing that. Hopefully. I never realized that I expected anything out of them until I was crying myself to sleep with these demon thoughts. I need someone. I don't have someone to call at 2 in the morning when I have a nightmare, I am that person.
I was trying to prove to myself that I didn't need anyone. The fact of the matter is, I need a lot of people.
I've been used and thrown away multiple times before. I always helped them but never vice versa.
I have people. I just wish I had people who cared the same as I do. They get pissed off at me so easily. I know how I am. You befriended me this way. I'm mean. I'm heavy-handed. I'm loud. But I'm also sweet. I also love hugs. I also cry silently.
Nothing has gone right these past couple of weeks. I really needed to get it out. Too bad it's not gone.
~Jordan A. Williams.~