Dear Eliza,
In the moments of my utter dismay, I have found my mind being constantly occupied by you and as the days pass, I often ask myself if I am capable of your forgiveness. If I have to be honest with myself, I would say 'No'. I wronged you. I should have been there for you when you needed me the most; I should have shared your joys and sorrows but instead, I chose to run from them, run from you.
The world, as I have finally come to realize, always has a way of getting its way. It grants us our wishes at the wrong time. I once wished for you to be gone. Now you are gone and I don't know how to get you back. I don't like it here. You don't even know me in this wicked time. You are the same and yet you are not mine. Curse this wicked time! This isn't the story I would have written for us.
I am sorry Eliza. Please forgive me. I confess to you that I never hated you; I was wrong. The alienation I felt towards you wasn't driven by hate; it was fear. Fear that I would never be able to love you like the way you love me, fear that I would break both of us. I still fear it, except now I am brave enough to face that fear. You can also say that I have fallen in love with that fear. It's wonderful to be scared of something that you want the most. It makes you strong; you make me strong.
Loving you is the most beautiful fear I will ever know.
With hope
Your husband,
William Ray
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