Ava sits at the back row of the classroom. Jesse and she haven't talked since the fight yesterday. She flicks her pen while waiting for the teacher's entrance.
Her eyes stop when she sees Jesse wheeling into the classroom. Their eyes meet. Jesse looks at her wearily, he's so exhausted that he can barely keep his eyes open. He looks down and proceeds to his usual seat at the front row.
Jesse turns his body away from Ava in his seat all period long. His waves of hostility hit her again and again. Ava hates herself for desperately wanting him to look at her, and she hates it even more when Meara catches her staring, because then she smirks in conceit.
She does not try talking to him again.
At lunch, she is in the bathroom stall. She makes sure no one is in the bathroom that is located at the furthest end of the school, and tears cascade down her cheeks. She does not know if the tears have meanings or they're those produced by her brain uncontrollably. Why can't her life be easier like others? Everything seems to gnaw at her, making her restless.
She walks out of the toilet and to the next class with total despair. While she is walking down the halls, she overhears her name being spoken. People whisper and stare at her as she moves. What is wrong with people today?
She enters the classroom when the whole class silents abruptly. She gazes around agitatedly. She paces up to her seat at the back while feeling numb, as people resume to murmur while peeking at her. Ronnie, sitting in front of her, turns back and inspects Ava in concern.
"You okay?" Ronnie's voice is soft.
Ava frowns and blinks. "What?"
Ronnie sighs. "You haven't seen that yet, right?"
Ava gawks at Ronnie as she scans the classroom swiftly. Jesse is keeping his head down while writing on his paper. She returns to Ronnie. "What do you mean?"
Ronnie presses her lips together and takes out her phone. "Someone spread this just now during lunch. I was wondering where you at, Ava." She presses the play button of a video.
Jesse was talking to Meara. They were in the locker hallway after school when everyone had left.
"Why did you do that to Ava?"
"What do you mean? I kissed you, how does that do with Ava?"
Ava is stunned. Jesse is right there in the video, talking to Meara. For her.
"Jesse, she is the one who gets all these, what's that called, mental health illnesses? It's her brain's issues, not me."
"How could you- how could you say that?"
"Jesse, I have nothing to do with Ava. She deserves it, okay? Tristen said she kissed him to make me jealous. I won't even catch a glimpse of her if it's not that."
"That's not funny, Ava did not do that!"
"Yea, she did not. Of course! She's just an innocent little girl right?"
"If you dare to hurt her again, I will-"
Ava simmers her rage. She clutches the corner of her vintage yellow sweater so bad that her fingernails hurt her palm, even with the cloth in between. She is palpitating in chaos. Everything looks surreal. So, so surreal. And then his voice rings.
"Woah, you will what, wheelchair dude?"
Ava covers her mouth with her hands in terror and astonishment when she sees Tristen standing right opposite to Jesse.
"Don't tryna mess with Meara and me, wheelchair boy. What could you do, punch her? Can you even stand up if I hit you to the ground?"
"Don't call me that."
"If you don't have the ability, don't risk yourself. I tell you now, if you get anywhere close to Meara, I will beat you the fuck up and you will have to take forever to get back to your nerdy wheelchair."
Ava's hands quiver violently as her elbows drop onto the table, creating a thud of the impact. She is dumbfounded. She is furious. She is terrified.
She can't ignore the fact that Meara said it's her brain's issues, but she cannot overlook Jesse's face when Tristen attacked Jesse's disability like that. He looked hurt, and she has never seen him like that before.
Ava looks up to Jesse, he is still writing with his head down. His back looks fatigued in his wheelchair. Ava's heart twinges.
"Hey, Ava?" Ronnie's voice pulls Ava's away from Jesse to her. Ronnie continues, "You two are going to be fine, okay?"
Ava stares at Ronnie without saying a word.
"Whatever Meara and Tristen had done to you, they are going to pay their freaking price for that." Ronnie holds Ava's hands.
Ava nods and drags a corner of her lip up. "Thanks, Ronnie."
"Don't say that, you two will be fine."
Ava nods with sorrow. She looks at Jesse again. Will they really be fine?
Ava sees him again in the research club classroom. They are early so Ms. Heath isn't here yet, it's just the two of them. She slides her chair away from the table and sits down right next to Jesse. He is reading a pile of paper in a rigid state of ignorance to Ava's being.
Ava clears her throat. "Thank you. For standing up for me."
The classroom remains quiet as the silent crashes into Ava. She props her arms up onto the table.
Jesse lets out a tiny snicker a minute later. He starts writing with his pen and says, "Standing up? Didn't you see what they said about me?"
Ava glances over. "So you think that's how I think about you?"
Jesse jerks his head up. Ava's hope flashes at her, but then Jesse looks away. "No." Jesse closes his eyes and does not speak for a few seconds. He opens them again. "But it's true, Ava, don't deny that. I used to think that I can do anything for you, but look at this. I couldn't even... protect you from Meara and that douchebag."
Jesse's response irks Ava. "Do you know what you're talking about?" she asks.
"Yes." He faces Ava for the first time in a long time. "I know, Ava, I know."
Ava bursts from her chair. "I'm tired of this, Jesse. Why are you like this? Can't you see how messed up I am? But I'm not acting like you!"
"Well you were the one who shouted at me and pushed me away every single time I tried to help you. I don't understand, why didn't you give me a chance? It's like, you are fine without me."
Ava is shocked. So that's how Jesse thinks about her this whole time? "Well so now you're blaming me? Did I say anything about your- wheelchair? Jesse? Be honest with me."
"I didn't say anything about your mental health either! Okay, you have been stopping me from caring about you for so long, now I'm going to let you know how this feels. You understand now? The feeling of being rejected?"
Ava gasps and shakes her head. She does not even know that she has hurt Jesse. She is crying now. "I- I didn't mean that..."
Jesse breathes in and out, rapidly and fiercely.
Ava suppresses her shaky breath and sinks back to her seat.
The silence is once again, deafening.
"I'm sorry." Jesse lets out a breath. "I shouldn't have said that, Gosh."
"I was scared, Jesse, I didn't want to lose you like how I lost Meara and Tristen." She sobs. "I pushed you away, you're right, okay?"
"It's not your fault."
"I'm not fine without you, Jesse. I'm really not."
Jesse stares at Ava so hard that she is afraid she will stop breathing.
"And I'm sorry about your... you know, depression. Everyone knows now." Jesse says again after another minute.
"Why are you even apologizing?" Ava turns back.
Jesse stares at Ava with guilt. Ava frowns and searches his eyes. And then she understands.
"You spread that?" Ava's voice shakes. "Who recorded that then?"
"A random girl who hadn't left school. She gave me the video." Jesse's voice is weak. "So I put that online. I can't just let them go like this... after what they have done to you."
Ava cannot believe that. Jesse put the video of him getting insulted online for everyone to see it. She holds her breath, she can't talk.
Jesse rubs his face with his hands. "Jeez... I'm so sorry."
"Jesse, please stop apologizing."
Jesse looks up. His hazel eyes are huge and heartbroken.
"You stood up to them, you revealed their real faces to everyone, you did things that I didn't have the guts to do for three years," Ava pauses. She stares into Jesse's eyes and continues with a quivering voice, "and you still think that you can't do anything for me?"
"Ava." Jesse whispers.
They are so close to each other that Ava can feel Jesse's chest rising and falling. Her heart thumps against him. He leans in, she leans in. He swallows and closes his eyes, Ava mirrors him in response.
The ajar door swings open. They startle apart.
"Where is everyone else?" Ms. Heath enters the classroom and asks.