Chapter 86.1: 1995, Georgina
Unbearable. Why must the world be tolerant of such images? No, I can not take them...
Frankie, she'll be here soon. I always scream at the end. Whenever I see your death, I scream at the end. But this time... They always get unbearable towards that time of the year... But I've told you this enough times. I've screamed in the night and told you, until I didn't sleep in the night anymore. I just didn't want to wake up and for it to be real again. But instead, I wake up to the worst reality.
But nothing is worse than this nightmare. That particular reality...
Would you believe if I told you? Would you believe... I never thought it was a possibility, but after what you told me a month, or was it two months, before it happened for real... This could have happened. It could have been anybody. I was so scared. So wound up. Who knows if I would have taken your advice? And in this dream...I did.
Frankie, remember when you told me? You told me, "shoot them through the door." You said...if I felt threatened, to shoot through the door.
So I did... I heard an unfamiliar knock. Then it kept repeating. I was so scared. Terrified. I got up from bed. You remember the one, the awful one that Paulie had. I got up, and before I knew it, my hand slid behind the mirror ever so slowly, waiting for the knock again, almost to be assured that this was the right thing to do.
When the knock came again, I gripped the gun with all of my strength and tore it away from its bonds. It was already loaded. Paulie had made sure of that, to make things easier for me since I was injured.
As the knock came again, I inched towards the door. I pressed against it, dared look through the two-way peephole.
And there. Frankie, I swear. It was him, with his back turned to me. He was...Eddie was right there. He was shorter than you, differently styled hair. He was in a tuxedo for whatever reason. I distinctly remember he was checking his watch. With his back turned to me.
I never would have done it if he hadn't had his back turned to me.
But I swear to you, Frankie. I can not tell you...how many times I've wanted to kill that man over these years. All these many years. This torment, this torture. This torment he put us through. What he did to you and your father...
I wanted to kill him. Even in a dream.
So I rose the pistol to the door. I lined up the shot. I closed my eyes.
I pulled the trigger.
Everything was silence. The entire world was silence. Such relief, I can not tell you. I was smiling, the way you like. Smiling, as I looked through the peephole to see if he was finally dead.
But, Frankie, what I saw.
I never imagined to see you there...on the floor, turned on the same back I had shot. Dressed in your wedding black and whites, coming back to me on that night. Coming to me, so close to our dream.
I never dreamed. But I should have trusted you more. I should have trusted that you'd make our dream come true.
But instead. Oh, but instead... I didn't kill you with a gun. But I killed you anyway. And I can't forgive myself.
Avi always told me, starting after two years which is a reasonable grieving period I suppose, that I should start to think about getting over you. That I should work on it, get better. But he doesn't know. I never told him. I never told anybody at all, because of the guilt.
Frankie, I know why I dreamed about you like this. Like this, year after year. I know, but it is unbearable...
It is unbearable, just as the thought is about how I was the one who sent you home one last time. One last time, to say good-bye to your father.
"Georgina... Oh, Georgina, what's wrong? Shh, shh, it will be okay. We're both here for you. Shh, no its alright. Its alright. Nobody is going to hurt you. It was a night-mare." Cha Cha lengthened the word nightmare to drive the point home, but I already knew that. I didn't say anything as she rocked me back and forth. The side of my face was on her chest and I leaned on her, crying with small whimpers, like a child or a dog.
She made a sucking with her teeth, always our way of saying "pay attention" or things similar. I didn't know she knew how to do that, though I'd done it enough times to her when she was young. Why was she doing it now?
"Ruiz, can you get her anti-anxieties? They're in the tall orange bottle, little blue pills. I can't pronounce the name, but bring me the bottle and if they're the right ones I'll take them."
Oh...the little blue pills...
I heard Ruiz moving down the hallway quickly, always loyal. Cha Cha began making soft tisking sounds, no more words as she rocked me in comfort. The only kind of comfort she knew how to give since I couldn't tell her what was wrong.
I wouldn't have told her anyway. Too much shame. How I was still hung up on this, shame from all those years of Avi telling me I shouldn't be, getting worse every year. But he didn't know anything.
She didn't, either.
The sounds of Ruiz rushing up the hallway came to my ears again but I didn't move. Her soft footprints fell upon the carpet, but I didn't move a muscle. I didn't want to see her worried face. The pain of knowing I'd made her worry, even though I knew it already.
The pills made their small rattling noises. They seemed to be the right ones, because Cha Cha didn't tell her to go away.
"Okay, Georgina. Take this and drink this. It will calm you down so you can sleep."
My cheeks were turning a bright red, surely. It was enough to have to take the pill in front of Cha Cha, but too much if I had to take it in front of Ruiz.
All of these mixed feelings, different feelings rushing into me at once. Knowing she used to look up to me, once came to me for advice. How she'd told me, begged at me, that I was the one she'd most looked up to. Now she was looking at me like this. In this state, the shameful truth. There weren't any veils. Anything she'd thought I was... Was it gone now?
Cha Cha's arms squeezed around me, and the rocking began again.
"Its okay. You can take the pill. We're not judging you. Remember? Nobody's going to judge you." Cha Cha's soft words into my hair.
I hadn't realized I'd started to cry again, for a completely different reason. Two separate grieving pains. Two feelings of loss, but so different. I just didn't want her to see. But there was no way to express that.
Then there was a third grieving pain, born from the second. My speech... I couldn't tell them this.
"Ruiz, do you mind stepping out? I'd let her take it by herself, but sometimes her swallowing is a little bit...but you know that."
I squeezed around Cha Cha as best I could. Had she really? She really had just said exactly what I'd wanted. Was I still dreaming? I had to be.
Ruiz's soft footsteps retreated, and Cha Cha lifted my face from her neck. "I just have to watch you take it, make sure you swallow and don't choke, or it doesn't get stuck. I remember you didn't want to take it in front of me. You didn't want to take pills, period."
I just stared at her, surprised by this but strangely calmed. She started to attempt to open the child safety locked bottle, trying several times. And as she did, she continued to speak.
"You know, I remember. You never wanted to take any kind of medication when I knew you. I remember when you hurt your finger? You didn't take any medication for that, either. The only stuff I ever saw you take was an Anacin. I always thought about that. I thought maybe you were against any medication for a long time. But, then I realized what could be a reason."
She took one of the blue pills between her fingers and I looked behind her so I didn't have to see her face during this. But I saw it anyway. She was so kind, yet intense in what she was saying, at the same time.
She handed me the water and I took it, but I sensed she wasn't done. She always had that way about her when she was on to something, even when she had been young. Over eager. I was right.
"I saw Paulie abusing pain pills once. I was so disgusted. I never wanted to touch one again. You felt like that, right? I know I did. But because of dance, I had to take pain pills. Still do. There's nothing wrong with it when you take them correctly. There really isn't. And these pills. They're no different. They're prescribed to you. There's nothing wrong with them."
A slow lump was gathering in my throat. Just the image of her at fourteen, witnessing something like that, even though I knew she might not have been talking about when she was fourteen right now. Though, with me she'd seen far worse. He'd shown her far, far worse...
I was sniffling before I could get a handle on it. Too many bad memories. Seeing him completely strung out. Seeing him suddenly keel over when we were walking together, into the gutter completely out of it, just gone. Pulling on his shirt, slapping him. Checking to see if he was breathing. Trying to drag him home but not being able to move him an inch. Watching him piss himself and that being the only sign he was alive.
"Oh, Georgina, come here," she sighed gently, drawing me into a tight embrace again. "Its okay. Everything is okay. I promise."
The truth was, it wasn't Paulie. Not really. I'd been reminded of another person who was constantly embarrassing himself without a care in the world. A "so, what?"-attitude so powerful, that I couldn't understand it until I'd done it myself. Became a drunk myself...
Paulie's behavior on drugs. It was nothing compared to my father, but he'd reminded me of my father all the time. All the silly and stupid and mind numbingly dumb things... I didn't want to be anything like either of them. But I'd ended up just like both of them in their worst ways.
And all three of us...all three of us had done all of those fucking stupid things for the same damn reasons.
And to be honest, I never wanted to go back. So yes, I had avoided all of those things like the plague when I'd known Cha Cha. I had two people I never wanted to show those things to, those incredible lows.
I'd shown Frankie...but still somehow he'd loved me. He'd loved me, stupidly. Always with the kind smile. Always with the assurances, and the "next time"s.
There weren't supposed to be any next times...
"Here. Can you try to take this? One gulp, that's all it takes. I'll sit with you until you fall asleep again. Then I'll be right there on the couch if you need me. I promise."
I nodded, holding out my hand. I felt the pill in my hand, not rolling in the center of my palm due to the shape of it. I placed it on my tongue and gestured with the water. In this, I saw her face focused ten-fold, just like the other times.
I stared at her face as the water entered my mouth.
But in the darkness somehow...
Blue-green focused eyes. Blonde sandy hair. The same expression staring back at me. A warmth spread over my body, my eyes shot open wide.
My body started to almost convulse, wanting to retch. Wanting to reject, choking, choking, burning, burning-
"Oh my god, Georgina! Drink! Drink again! Quick, fast!"
Hands were on my shoulders. The glass was forced to my mouth and I obeyed as quick as I could. Her fingers were on my throat, massaging gently but forcefully. I was swallowing as hard as I could, over and over and over to stop choking, anything to stop. It was total darkness and I realized my eyes were closed.
The feeling ceased and I doubled over into her, opening my eyes again just in time to see her floral patterned nightgown under the glow of the moonlight as I dove onto her body, breathless.
"Eso fue demasiado miedo...demasiado miedo..." she whispered, fearful quiet pleading in her voice. She kissed the top of my head softly, slowly, something she'd never done before. But somehow, it was so calming, relaxing inside my body, made me breathe.
But as I closed my eyes again, I saw that face which had made me choke.
Staring back at me, twenty-one years old and looking just as scared.
Frankie...
An intense loneliness. Longing. A too intense needing. Making me cry again. Too devastated.
Unbearable...