Regrets. What can I do about them?
They roamed in the heart like they owned that sacred place of mine while they were just nothing than outsiders. They lived there and changed everything like they were the rulers and banished its owner; me, to a prison that couldn't be found and escaped from. They made me question the things that never crossed my mind before, turning all that I knew upside down, changing everything that had been keeping me calm into chaos, killing the strength that I had been struggling to keep and left me with nothing. That concept of regret sounded like a war, the unplanned one yet still managed to take over everything like it was plotted for years in advanced.
Or maybe it was really a war; the one within myself.
The noise of the shattering glass accompanied my screams as my teary eyes were looking for other things in the room that I could throw, intending to break them apart against the wall just like what fate did to my heart. But my fingers could no longer find anything to snatch on the counter, and Natalie's hands were the only power in grace that grabbed me instead.
"Chae!"
Her arms caught my body before I hit the floor, making the fall less cruel to my bones when I couldn't stand on my feet anymore. I was drenched in grief and sadness that dug my faith out of my chest, and consumed by the hellfire of anger that I once felt when my mum earned her wings 2 years ago. I was so mad at everything, including the God Himself, until I couldn't feel any pain in my bloody hands that caused by those broken glasses, poking and cutting my palms with their sharp edges.
What else that is more hurtful for my brain to register as a pain, than losing my Lisa? None.
"Nat-" My sobs caged every word I wished I could say, letting nothing else out except its own.
"Chae, I'm sorry"
"It's Lisa, Nat"
Her shoulder was the only comfort I had at that time, offering the least amount of consolation in loneliness that had started to overrule my soul ever since I received the news about the derailment of the train from Glasgow to London after work. The fact that I only found out about it when I reached home, making me feel a lot more useless as if knowing it earlier could make any difference. It couldn't.
But I felt really bad for going to work with anger towards Lisa, for cooking and ignoring her next calls after I ended the one we had before, for minding my own business with customers like I had no single care for her anymore, while she was trying her hardest to reach out to me on her way back to England, until the train she was on took at least 28 lives, including hers.
Regrets could take a person in many forms. Some were direct, torturing you without hidden agendas and some were solitary, breeding denial in thoughts and feelings just to make you lost even further into the trap. Mine took me death. It was death that knocked all the senses in me as I was beaten on the floor by my own misery, and having a pair of hands to help wasn't the same as it looked.
I couldn't be helped. Nobody could help me.
"I'm here, Chae" Natalie continued to offer the best support as she could for my emotional state at that moment, stroking my back strongly yet gentle at the same time. "I'm here for you"
Sobbing, I could only keep the voice in my mind remained where it belonged.
Out of so many people, why Lisa?
Those arms released their grip and I was captured around my own this time, receiving a few pushes that were meant to pull me back on track as I was derailed myself, just like the train that took my Lisa with it.
"This is hard to accept but I'll be with you, Chae"
Why did God do this to me? I just wanted to be loved.
I knew I shouldn't have asked about the things that were beyond of human knowledge; God's plans to be exact, but I just couldn't help to as I didn't agree with the fate that was set for me. It was because I prayed to Him just like my dad had taught me to. I asked for love every single day and I never gave up on that.
But my relationship with Lisa before never met happiness, it didn't feel right. We argued a lot, almost every day, and it was me who held on a dying tree branch as the river stream pulled me away with its force, hurting my own self for something that hurt me back. Until I decided to set myself free, feeling like I regretted every chase and effort I put on for her, thinking that Lisa wasn't the one for me, believing that God knew what was the best for us all, only then I realised that I was wrong.
Until I lost her forever, I was wrong.
"Miss Richards?"
A man's voice that I was waiting for finally emerged, waking me up from getting carried away in the painful memory of my love life. I wiped the spilling tears just near the brim of my eyes, getting up from my seat with a smile that I forced myself to wear for the day.
"Father," I responded, bowing a little.
"I'm sorry I made you wait," He chuckled, taking his stand in front of me. "How are you, my child?"
"I'm good, father, thank you for asking" I smiled in fatigue that came from those 7 days without Lisa. I could barely sleep in them.
"Are you sure?" He questioned again as the small smile he gave earlier was replaced with worries. "Is everything alright? You look..." He took a pause. "Different"
Clearing my throat, I changed the subject just to distract myself. "Father, I apologise for last Saturday"
"Ahh, don't worry about that!" His laughter returned that I could use as a temporary peace. "I understand that you have to work on weekends, unlike Seth"
"How's he doing, by the way?"
"He's busy with his classes, as usual" The man added. "Same like you, right? With your job"
I sighed, closing my lips as they turned flat for seconds.
"Actually, I didn't go to work that day" I came clean to a man that I gave the same amount of respect like I would to my dad. "I went to a friend's funeral"
"I'm so sorry for your loss," He said with a genuine look on his face. "Your dad didn't inform me anything about that"
"That's because I never tell him about it" I sighed again, gathering the strength in me that I had lost. "And I come here from London only to talk to you, Father Andrews"
"My child..." His voice called me low, almost whispering and soothing to my ears. "What happened?" He slid his hands into his pocket. "I'm starting to worry-"
"Why God always cruel to his servants?" I interrupted his sentence before he could finish it, intending to go straight to the point that brought me back in Northamptonshire. "Especially the ones who pray really hard to Him"
"Did you mean, why God always tests us?"
"No, father" I sniffled, running my eyes away from his worried gaze. He looked even worse than before as if he just heard something bizarre. "My word is exactly like how it sounds and how you understand it...cruel"
"God is only cruel for punishments, so you would do good deeds" He started to explain. "He will never punish you for mistakes you don't commit"
"Then why He takes something, or someone that He knows you really want?" I argued, holding the heaviness around my jaw that just started to attack. "It's not that He didn't listen to your prayers, your needs, your cries, your requests. He knows everything about you"
"Everything we want or already have, is His. Nothing on this earth is ours," Father Andrews said softly as he took one step closer to me, which gained my focus on him. "Except for one thing"
"What is that?"
"Faith" He smiled. "That's the only thing we have, and to fight for"
"What do we get in return for taking care of that faith then, father?"
"Only good things that God has picked for us"
"How can He give back what he already took from you?"
"What is it that He took from you?"
"My mother," I answered him instantly with a big disappointment in my chest. "And even that wasn't enough for Him, so He took my friend"
"Miss Richards," He shook his head as the worries grew in his brown eyes. "Death is something we don't know about. Even life is a mystery while we are living in it" He tried his best to convince me even though he knew I grew up listening to those preaching, yet still, I was lost in guidance. "We have no power over them, so we just trust His plans on us"
"Why? Because we are weak like what the Bible says?" A push of tears burned my soul with its flame. "I'm tired, father. I had enough being weak"
"We are only strong if we hold on to our beliefs, so don't lose them"
I inhaled loudly, eyes looking away from his as I couldn't keep the stare anymore just like how I couldn't do the same to the thing he just talked about; faith.
I could no longer keep anything in me at that point of time.
"Why do we have to keep our faith when the God Himself did things that make us doubt Him?" I entertained my anger even more, talking boldly about Him like I wasn't raised in a church. "He should've cared for the trust we have for Him, not taking us for granted. We pray to Him, aren't we?" I sniffled. "Is it just to prove a point that we are just servants and He is the God?"
"Chae..." He called me differently this time, like how he did to my parents since they were young. "God doesn't need to prove anything to anyone, He doesn't owe us. In fact, He doesn't even need us to pray so He would be powerful" He elaborated in his own gentle way. "We trust and pray because we are the ones who need Him"
"Father Andrews?"
"Yes, my child?"
I took my time before I could let out a question that might change my entire life after that.
"I've been thinking about this a lot these days," I spoke with a slight hesitation along my words, but didn't feel the need to stop either. "What if I don't need Him anymore?"