I stormed out of Steve Bledells house a mixture of nervous and angry and frustrated. It all went into my ears and rushed through my head. I heard a roar as I opened the car door and slammed it. I almost didn't notice Lara Jean sitting beside me. Possibly to irritate me even more, the damn keys won't get in the ignition.
"God, she makes me crazy!" I yell, jamming the keys in and violently turning them. "What did you say to her?" I scream/ask. She shifted uncomfortably. "She asked me when we got together. I said just before school started". I do a full-body groan. I was afraid she was going to say that. "We hooked up that first weekend. " I say.
I'm lying. I just lied to her.
"But...you guys were already broken up?"
"Yeah, well, what's done is done," I say. I take a breath and calm down. It's not that big of a deal, and Gen honestly wasn't that mad. I don't know why I'm getting so mad.
"What were you two fighting about tonight, anyway?" she asks."Don't worry about it. You did a good job, by the way. She's so jealous it's killing her". I say, which is true. Gen wouldn't have even brought it up to me if she wasn't bothered by it. "Yay!" Lara Jean responded, which made me smile.
I love it when she says cute stuff like that. She's very cute.
I shake my head and she gives me a funny look. I keep driving.
"Peter.. how did you know you loved Genevieve?" She asks.
"God Lara Jean, why do you have to ask those kinds of questions?"
"Because I'm a naturally curious person." She responds. I shift uncomfortably at a red light. "And maybe the questions you should be asking yourself is, why are you so afraid to ask these questions?"
"I'm not afraid!"
"Then why won't you answer the question?"
I go quiet. I can't answer because I truly don't know if I ever did. Was I in love with Gen, or in love with the fantasy jock-loves-cheerleader trope? Was our relationship built on an illusion?
"I don't know if I every loved Genevive," I answer honestly. "How would I even know what the felt like? I'm seventeen, for God's sake."
"Seventeen's not so young. A hundred years ago people got married when they were practically our age."
"Yeah, that was before electricity and the internet. A hundred years ago eighteen-year-old guys were out there fighting wars with bayonets and holding a man's life in their hands, they lived a lot of life by the time they were our age. What do kids our age know about love and life?" I say. And just like that, Lara Jeans opened the floodgates. I've never dared say something like that to anyone. Lara Jean just works me up like that.
"You know what you sound like? My grandpa. Also, I think you're stalling because you don't want to answer the question." I grip the steering ween harder, and then loosen it in an attempt to keep my cool. I take a deep breath. We're nearing her house. "I answered it you just didn't like my answer". I respond. I turn off the engine and stay there for a moment, hoping Lara Jean gets the message that I'm not quite ready for her to leave. She takes her bag and puts it on her lap and turns towards me. She got the message. After a moment of silence, She says "Did you know when people fight with each other, it means they still really care about each other? Gen must really still have a hold on you." I don't respond right away. Instead,I sit and stare at my steering wheen for a moment. She's expecting me to retort, but I don't. She's right.
"She does, but I wish she didn't. I don't want to be owned by anyone. Or belong to anyone."
And just like that, it's out there. The real reason I'm doing this. Not because I want to make Gen mad, but so I can finally, once and for all, let go.
"So that's why you're doing this. To prove you don't belong to her. Or with her".
I nod slowly.
"Do you think there's a difference? Between belonging with and belonging to, I mean?" Lara Jean asks.
"Sure one implies choice, the other doesn't."
"You must really love her to go to all this trouble." She responds.
That's not true, and I know it. I'm going to all this trouble to prove to her - and everyone else - that I don't love her anymore. If I still loved her I wouldn't go to all this trouble. I scoff at her, "You're too dreamy-eyed."I say.
"Thank you."
"What do you know about love, Lara Jean? you've never even had a boyfriend before." I say. I'm afraid I've crossed the line a bit, but she deserves it.
"No, I've never had a boyfriend. But plenty of people I know have had boyfriends but they've never been in love. I've been in love." She says. I'm annoyed. That was a good answer, I think. Which makes me more annoyed. I press on.
"With who? Josh Sanderson? That tool?"
"He's not a tool. You don't even know him to say that."
"Anybody with one eye and a half a brain could see what a tool that guy is".
"Are you saying my sisters blind and brainless?"
Damn it. I've pushed too far
I chuckle a little. "No, I'm saying you are!"
Her face turns bright red. "You know what? I've changed my mind. You've obviously never loved anyone but yourself." She yells. She wiggles the door handle trying to escape the confounds of my car, but I don't unlock it. I don't want her to leave until we're on good terms.
"Lara Jean, I was kidding. Come on."
"See you Monday."
"Wait, wait. First,tell me something," I say, leaning back in my chair a bit. "How come you n never dated anybody?"
"I don't know . . . . because no one ever asked?"
"Bullshit. I know for a fact Martinez asked you to homecoming and you said no."
"What is it with you guys all calling each other by your last name? It's so. . . . Effected? Affected?" '
"Don't change the subject."
"I guess I said no because I was scared".
"Of Tommy?"
"No. I like Tommy. It's not that. It's scary when it's real. When it's not just thinking about a person, but, like having a real live person in front of you with, like expectations. And wants." I look intently at her. A small, fleeting thought crosses my mind.
Does she feel this way about me?
She keeps going. "Even when I liked a boy so much, loved him even, I would always rather be with my sister, because that's where I belong".
"Wait, what about right now?"
"Right now? Well, I don't like you that way so. . . "
Oh
I try to hide the disappointment on my face. Why I was disappointed? I have no idea. Was it because it was what I was used to? Or what I expected to happen? Or did my ego take a beating after mine and Gens break-up? Or worse, far, far worse, was I beginning to feel that way about her?
No. Can't be. I don't. There's no way.
I perk up. "Good," I say "Don't go falling for me again, Okay? I can't have any more girls in love with me. It's exhausting". I say. I know I'm pushing it a little bit.
She laughs. "You're so full of yourself!"
"I'm kidding," I protest. "What did you ever see in me anyway?" I say, flashing a big smile to lighten the mood.
"Honestly? I couldn't really tell you."
My grin falls into a misshapen blob. I recollect her letter in my head. "You. . . . you said it was because I make people feel special. You. . . . . you said it was because I was a good dancer and I was science partners with Jeffery Suttlemean!" I say with pride. How did I remember all that?
"Wow, you really memorized every single word of that letter, huh?" She says. My smile falters. I thought she'd be a little flattered. The letter meant a lot to me.
She backtracks. "No, it's true - you really did have something about you then," She says. I'm further hurt. She sees nothing in me now? I hear the door unlock, and this time I don't stop her.
"Thanks for the ride, Peter." She says. climbing out of my car. I watch her slam the door and walk into her house. I don't stop watching until I see the light turn on in her room.
I turn on the engine and begin to drive. I ponder to myself.
Am I hurt because she sees nothing in me anymore? Or because I see something in her now?