TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter isn't so bad, but in the next 2-3 chapters I will be writing about some very triggering things, so please be aware that is coming up. I will have a trigger warning at the beginning of those chapters, but it's important for me to let you know ahead of time that it will be upsetting and hard to read for everybody. Please be mindful of what you comment as well. Even when you sensor your words with * it can still affect people.
DANI
Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, gasping and sitting upright quickly. My lights were still on, now the third night in a row I've slept with them on, not liking waking up in the dark where I couldn't make sense of things. I look to the other half of my bed, empty like it had been since Sunday night.
I haven't been avoiding Harry.
I just didn't want to keep him up at night during one of the most important weeks of the year. I knew how important his finals were to him, determined to get an internship at the publishing company in the city this summer. I wanted him to succeed, and if I kept him up all night with my nightmares then there was no way he would be able to focus.
The guilt I felt after Sunday night, keeping him awake for hours when he should've been getting a good night's rest, was immense. It flowed along with my fear and shame, a trio of emotions that seemed trapped within my body. I hadn't felt this feeble in ages, my nightmares stopping years ago.
I missed Harry, though. I wanted him in my bed, holding me, whispering things in my ear when he thought I was asleep. But I was too ashamed. As much as I wanted him here with me, I knew he needed to take care of himself, focus on his schoolwork. I didn't want him to worry about me all day and night, and get no sleep because he's waiting for me to stop dry-heaving into the toilet after a particularly realistic nightmare.
I had heard him make that joke to Conner about not being able to stay awake during his final, and even though I knew he didn't mean it seriously, I couldn't help but feel responsible. He was so sweet and attentive all night with me. He had sacrificed his temporary well-being for me and I hated it.
I wished I didn't feel like this, that my past wasn't filled with horrors, and that I could just be normal. I didn't want this baggage, and I didn't want Harry to have to deal with my baggage. He's tried to stay the night every night since my first episode, but I always told him I was too tired or just wanted some alone time. I looked so terrible from my lack of sleep and heightened stress that I was paler than usual, deep bags forming under my eyes.
I couldn't let him see me like this. In fact, I avoided everyone. I made sure that when I was leaving and entering the house that they wouldn't be around. The fear and exhaustion was too prevalent in my eyes for them to ignore. I needed to get ahold of myself before I showed my face. Every time I told him I just wanted some privacy, or we were having a girls night, or I wasn't feeling up to it, I felt shame.
Shame that I was like this, so weak and fragile. I had tricked Harry into thinking I was someone that I wasn't. Someone who was strong and formidable. Someone who knew who she was. Hell, I think I even tricked myself into thinking that's who I was.
I just needed time. I needed time to gather myself and control my fear. If I could just go one night without nightmares, then I would feel comfortable enough to have him next to me. I could hide my stress and under-eye bags with makeup, and I could still pretend I was that person he thought I was. At least with finals, I had a somewhat valid excuse to keep him away.
But now I was out of time. Finals had officially ended yesterday, Harry calling me right after he knew mine got out to see if he could come over. I told him that I was doing a girls night, so he started talking about the next day - Friday. When I told him I picked up a double shift at the restaurant, he was silent. For the first time, he didn't try and hide his disappointment.
"You picked up a double? We've had plans for weeks." He said over the phone, after a long uncomfortable silence.
"I know, I'm sorry, Harry, but I really need the money." I tell him, hoping he would just let it go like he had all week.
"So am I ever going to see you, or are you going to keep avoiding me?" He asked bitterly.
I closed my eyes, knowing he was finally getting fed up with my shit. "No, I'll see you tomorrow, I promise."
"Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow."
I swallowed down my nerves, waiting for his response. I was so scared that this would be it for Harry. That he would realize how toxic and unhealthy I was for him.
"I just want to see you, Dani."
My face scrunches up in pain, shutting my eyes closed to keep my tears in, "Uh, I miss you too. I've got to go now, Harry. The girls are calling me down."
"Yeah, okay," He said dejectedly, "I'll talk to you sometime."
He hung up, probably in frustration. I don't blame him. I feel myself ruining the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I can't stop it. I am so utterly terrified of speaking the words aloud, and if these nightmares don't subdue soon, then I know Harry won't be able to take it either. He shouldn't have to. He should be able to sleep peacefully throughout the night without me freaking out and thinking he was Clint in the darkness of his own room.
I shook the memory out of my head, leaving the restroom, and heading out front to clock in. I was happy I was working the bar all day today, not sure if I could handle a suit and tie and stuffy middle-aged white men ordering me to bring them water with no ice. At least in the bar at night the lights dimmed substantially, making it harder to see my face.
The shift was easy, my mind being preoccupied with taking orders and putting on a fake smile. Mickie arrived for the late shift to join me in the bar. I could tell she knew something was off, but I was able to convince her that I was just tired from exams. It wasn't until about twenty minutes until my shift was over, closing down the bar that I actually spoke to her.
"How did finals go for you?" She asked me as we sat down to do our paperwork.
I sigh, "I think pretty well. Haven't been sleeping too much due to stress, so I've been a little tired."
"Yeah, no offense, but you look dead on arrival." She tells me.
"Gee, thanks." I deadpan, "How about you?"
She's nodding her head, counting her ones before answering, "Not sure about my Shakespeare Lit class. I have a really hard time understanding it. Don't even know why I took it." I hum. "Oh, I forgot to tell you... I met someone at that party last weekend."
"Party?" My blood runs cold just thinking about it.
"Yeah, you know, the one you got sick at and had to leave early?" She questions, "By the way, how are you feeling? Did you ever figure out what was wrong?"
"Think I just ate something weird." I answer quickly, "You met a boy?"
"Yes!" Her eyes light up, and I send her a small smile. "We bumped into each other and started talking. We just got along so well, like better than anyone I've ever met. He's so sweet and funny and he's got this cute scraggy beard." She gushes.
I breathe out a laugh, "Thought you weren't into dating someone right now?"
"Yeah, but neither were you when you met Harry."
I felt a pang in my heart, remembering that first night together. It felt so far away, and I ached for him. I clear my throat, "You've been talking, then?"
"Mhm," She grins, "been talking all week. We've got a date tonight. He's coming to pick me up."
"Well, I'm happy for you, Mick."
"Oh! There he is!" Her eyes widen and she blushes, "Shit, didn't even see him coming in. He's in that back booth."
I lift my head, freezing instantly when I meet his eyes. Everything came rushing back again, my hands shaking and my stomach turning. His eyes are predatory, far enough away that Mickie could be mistaking him looking at her, but I know better. He recognizes me, and he knows I recognize him.
No.
No, this can't be right. I can't let Mickie be with him. He's too dangerous and cruel and manipulative.
"Dani, you okay?"
Mickie's voice brings me out of my reverie. "Don't date him. Stay away from him."
She blinks at me, taking in my frazzled state, "Do you know him?"
"No." I answer immediately, my brain going into protective mode, "I don't... Just don't- not him."
"Dani, what's going on?" She asks.
I shake my head, and swallow, "He reminds me of someone-"
"Don't really think that's valid reason-"
"Mickie, trust me on this."
"Did you sleep with him or something? Cause I don't care about that." She tells me.
I glance back at him, to see him making his way over to the counter where we're standing. I back away immediately, nearly tripping over a stool, "Please, Mickie, stay away from him."
"Fine, okay!" She says, reaching out for me.
I flinch away, her eyes going wide at my erratic behavior, "I need to use the, uh, restroom." I say, scrambling away and nearly running to the employees restroom and locking the door.
I slide down it, my back pressed hard against the wood. I curl in on myself, hands fisting at my hair. "C'mon, Dani, get a grip." I whisper to myself, willing down the bile threatening to expel. I even out my breathing, "He can't hurt you anymore."
I close my eyes, seeing his silhouette in my doorframe. I open them quickly, looking up at the ceiling, feeling his hand slip around my waist as he attempts to hold me from behind while I fist my blanket and hold it up to my chin.
My body flinches, memories too strong. I force myself to stand up, finding my way to the sink. My hands grip around the edges of the porcelain basin, counting my breathes in.
Inhale, one, two, three...
"It's okay. This is natural."
Exhale, one, two, three...
"This is just between you and me."
Inhale, one, two, three...
"You can trust me."
Exhale, one, two, three...
"You can't tell anyone, Dani."
My hand reaches into my apron pocket, digging my phone out. I didn't even need to think twice before dialing his number. My heart squeezes tighter with every passing ring. It feels like it goes on forever until I hear that familiar, low tone, "Hello?"
"Harry?" I choke out.
There was a moments silence, "Dani, what's wrong?"
"Can you come get me?"
†††
HARRY
It's been the worst week of my life.
Finals have literally kicked my ass, and, on top of that, Dani was avoiding me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to push her into opening up to me, but I haven't seen her in five days now. She won't even let me see her for a few minutes, always making up some excuse as to why I couldn't come over.
My mind has definitely worked against me this week. It keeps me up all night worrying, and comes up with awful scenarios involving Dani. I'm also completely and utterly terrified that she was going to break up with me.
I had finally found someone who fit so easily, someone I've fallen in love with, but she was pushing me farther and farther away. When we would talk on the phone, I got the sense that she wanted it to end as soon as possible, never exaggerating an answer or starting new topics. Her texts were short and void of emojis and gifs.
I just kept thinking of what went wrong? All I did was be there for her. Was there something more that I could've done? I have all these questions, but the only way to get answers was Dani.
And I wasn't sure I wanted to go there. If I brought it up, it could easily lead to us breaking up. As confused and worried as I was, I don't think I could survive that.
Dani and I had plans on Friday, though. We had made them before everything fell apart. Both of us would be done Thursday with finals, theoretically spending the night together, and then we were going to go on a date. I had asked Conner to not be at the house that night, and thankfully he agreed to stay with his girlfriend, Amy. I had planned to rearrange the living room into a little fort area with fairy lights and all. I was going to cook dinner, and play her a song, and it was going to be all sappy and lovey-dovey.
But then she cancelled. She had never fully done that before, and her reasoning was because she needed money so she took a double shift. I would've understood, if I thought she was telling me the truth.
Every bit of me could feel it coming, that overwhelming sense of dread washing over me. I would lay awake at night, my bed feeling unnaturally cold without her next to me, and wonder when she was going to do it.
My phone call with her Thursday when she told me she was working Friday was awful. My spirit deflated and I even snapped a little at her. I wanted her to know she had hurt me, that what she was doing was effecting me. I regretted it the moment I hung up on her, but couldn't find it in me to call her back just so she could ignore me again.
So here I was, sitting on my couch watching mindless reality tv by myself. I haven't done a damn thing today beside wallow in my self pity. I had convinced myself that Dani breaking my heart was inevitable, and I was just waiting for her to do it.
Rip the bandaid off my heart, and let it fall to pieces in my empty chest.
I checked the clock, knowing exactly when Dani would be getting off work. When she worked doubles she worked until about eight depending on how busy it was. It was now seven fifty-five. If I was her, and planning to break up with me, I would do it tonight before the weekend hit.
My heart sunk when I heard my phone buzz on the couch next to me. Reluctantly, I picked it up, answering, "Hello?" when I see Dani's name flash on my screen.
"Harry?"
I sit up, immediately knowing something was wrong. She sounded slightly panicky and heard her heavy breathing through the phone.
"Dani, what's wrong?" I ask her as calmly as I could.
"Can you come get me?" She asked desperately.
I stood up without a second thought, "You're at work?"
"Yeah, I, uh, I'm in that-" My heart clenched tightly as I heard her suck in a harsh breath, sounding as though she was having a having a hard time breathing, "that bathroom from, uh-"
"The one in the back?" I ask her, making my way out the front door. "Okay, Dani, I'm leaving right now. I can be there in... uh, twenty minutes-"
"Don't hang up!" She asks me frantically, "Please, please, just... stay?"
"Baby girl, I need you to breathe for me. That's right, solid breaths in and out." I listened to her for a few moments, putting my phone on speaker, and pulling out of my driveway. "Can you tell me what's happened?"
"Um-" she sniffles, breathing in shakily, "he's, uh, he's here."
"Who's there, sweetheart?" I ask patiently.
"Don't make me answer that. Please, don't."
I clenched the steering wheel, "Okay, then, can you at least tell me how you're feeling right now?"
"What?"
"How you're feeling." I repeat, "Your body, your mind... Explain to me what's happening."
She didn't answer right away, and I held my own breath, turning onto the main street, waiting for her to say something. Finally, she does as I ask, starting, "I, um, I'm having a hard time breathing."
"Okay, what else, baby girl?"
"I feel lightheaded, and, uh, shaky. My hands are really shaky. I thought I was gonna throw up, but I think that's gone now... Yeah, I don't feel as nauseous."
"How long have you been in there?"
"Maybe four... five minutes?" She answers, not sure herself, "I'm scared, Harry." She admits to me in a whimper.
"You're scared?" I ask softly, "I'm on my way, okay? Can you tell me what's got you scared?"
"Him."
"Him?" I ask cautiously.
"Fuck, why is he here?" She asks herself.
"Hey, hey, Dani, try not to think about him, yeah?"
"I can't. He's been here all week." She tells me.
My heart rate picks up, "What do you mean by that? Has he been following you?"
"No, no, he's-" I hear her blow her nose and clear her throat, "he's been in my head all week."
"Oh, Dani..." I say softly, "I won't ask you anymore. How about your body, huh? Your breathing sounds a bit better."
"Mhm," she answers quietly, "still feel lightheaded, though."
"Why don't you sit down for me." I suggest.
I hear a bit of ruffling on her end until she says, "Okay, I'm sitting."
"You're going to stay in there for me, right?"
"Yeah, I can't be out there." She said quickly.
"Just keep breathing for me. I'm on wildecrest street right now, so I'm almost there." I say soothingly
I try my best to keep her calm, and by the time I park, jumping out of my car hastily, I can tell she's calmed down a lot. When I open the door the hostess waves at me, recognizing me from the numerous times I've come to visit Dani at work. I walk right by, headed through the dining room and to the bathrooms.
I turn the corner to see a guy leaning against the wall. He looks vaguely familiar, but I'm too fixated on getting to Dani. "Baby girl, I'm here. Will you let me in?" I ask through the phone, knocking lightly on the door.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the figure start walking out to the main dining room. The door opens swiftly, full focus turning on the broken girl in front of me. She grabs my hand and pulls me inside, locking the door behind us. Immediately, I'm engulfed in a tight hug. I can feel her shaking against me, face buried into my neck.
My hand comes up to hold the back of her head, and I whisper, "It's okay, Dani. He can't hurt you."
After a few minutes, her arms loosen around me, and she slowly pulls back. She wipes her eyes as I look down at her. "Sorry," she chokes out.
"Don't." I tell her firmly, "I'm glad you called."
She looks down, avoiding my eyes, and nods. I feel my heart sink, but say, "C'mon, let's get you out of here."
I'm a little surprised when she takes my hand as we walk out of the bathroom. This has been the first bit of physical contact we've had since I kissed her goodbye Monday morning, and my body relished it. She wouldn't look me in the eyes, however, and I got that familiar feeling of dread that I've carried around all week.
I watch as she looks around the bar as we enter it, seemingly calming when she doesn't see whoever it is she was afraid of. She lets go of my hand and walks behind the counter to get her purse while Mickie comes from the back.
"Hey, you okay?" She asks Dani softly.
Dani looks up at her as she tries to pull out her bag from a low cabinet, "Oh, uh, yeah, sorry about that. Just got really nauseous for a second."
I furrow my brows, watching her lie easily to Mickie. It was amazing how easily she could turn it off. How she could hide that pain and panic from anyone she wants to. There was a sense of pride in the fact that she let me see her at her lowest. Maybe I was overthinking everything and this wasn't the end. Her coming to me like this had to mean something, right?
"Ready to go?" I ask her.
She nods again, only glancing up to meet my gaze for half a second, "Yeah."
"See you later, Mickie."
"See you. Take care of our girl, yeah? Think she studied herself to near death this week." Mickie tries to joke.
Dani sends her a small smile, and forced laugh before we head out. This time Dani doesn't take hold of my hand, and stays a little away from me. My hope spirals down, and I find myself absolutely hating this back and forth my emotions are doing.
It's cruel having Dani the way I did only to have her push me away. Then to see inklings of her affection followed by her distancing herself yet again was awful. My brain couldn't read her as well as I used to. It's like she was a completely different person.
Actually, it wasn't like that. She wasn't a different person, I was just seeing a different side to her. I was seeing the Dani that had walls built up around her. For the entirety of our relationship it's like they didn't exist, but now they were up and fortified against me. She taunted me with little windows that let me see inside for a split second, and then would turn and I'd be left with nothing but a brick wall.
But she needed me enough to call me when she was freaking out earlier. She let me into the bathroom. She let me hold her.
Yet she was also the one that wouldn't look me in the eye right now. She was walking with a full two feet of space in-between us. She was sitting in the passengers seat nearly hugging the door as if she was trying to get away from me.
I was so damn confused. I was going crazy with all these mixed signals, thinking back on how cold and distant she's been all week, but how soft she was when I held her in bed, both lying awake for hours after her nightmare.
I needed to talk to her. I needed her to give me something, and if that led to us breaking up... Maybe I shouldn't say anything. Was I really ready for this to end? Even though things had been so confusing and awful for me all week, it was still better to call her mine. Did that make me a coward? What was I thinking? If she wants to break up with me then I shouldn't just hide from it.
I was so in my head that I hadn't realized I had driven us to my house. Maybe this was a sign that we should talk and get it over with. I look over to see her staring off into space, her head leaning against the window.
"Dani?"
She straightens up and blinks, looking over at me for a second before looking out at my house. I watch as she starts to lose color in her face. She says quietly, "Harry, I'm not feeling up for hanging out tonight. Can you just bring me home?"
I don't move. Instead, I continue to look at her. It's like everything in my head went into overdrive. No matter how stupid or irrational as it was, I let the question slip out of my mouth before I could stop it.
"Are you going to break up with me?"