*Ryder*
All those people...
It's all your fault!
You're just a broken man.
How could anyone ever love you?!
You don't deserve Avalon!
You're a monster!
A demon!
A wolf in sheep's clothing!
A liar!
A murderer!
"No!" I cried as I dropped to my knees and covered my ears, "I didn't kill those people!"
Your lack of influence lead to their deaths.
You could have saved them. That makes you responsible for their deaths.
"I tried—" I began, but the voices cut me off.
You failed!
You should never have existed!
You're not worthy of being a Fate!
Liar!
Manipulator!
Murderer!
Monster!
Unworthy!
I sat up abruptly and gasped for air. My heart was pounding in my chest and there was sweat on my forehead. I gripped the blankets tightly. Why did this keep happening? I rubbed my temples, trying to calm down and get a grip.
My own mind was tormenting me. I needed to calm down. I couldn't let this break me anymore than it already had.
"Are you okay?" I heard a voice ask. I looked up and found Arrow standing there.
"I'm fine," I assured him.
"Something's wrong, Ryder, don't lie to me," Arrow told me. I sighed. He was always able to see right through me.
I should have been used to this by now. I had been experiencing this torment for centuries. And Arrow had been consoling me for just as long...at least...when he wasn't dealing with his own torment. But now that he was healing, he seemed to be devoting more time to making sure Calix, Soren, and I were alright.
"Arrow...I think I'm starting to lose my mind," I admitted, "There...there are nights where I'm lost in the fog and the only voices I hear are those of my torment."
Arrow sat down on the bed next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"I know it's hard," he told me, "Does it get easier when Avalon is around?"
"Yeah," I admitted, "She's a dream walker. She can walk in dreams."
"How do you know?" Arrow asked curiously.
"She's entered my dreams before," I admitted, "She...she saw me being tormented in my own mind."
"And did she run?" Arrow asked.
"No...she...somehow she changed the dream," I admitted, "She soothed my pain."
"So then why are you being so guarded around her?" Arrow asked.
"You noticed?" I asked. I didn't think I was being that obvious about it.
"Please, Ryder," Arrow scoffed, "We all noticed. Clary's worried about you and so am I."
"What am I supposed to do, Arrow?" I asked, "I can't let her see any more of this. My darkness is mine and mine alone."
"One of the first things I had to learn when Clary came into my life was that my darkness wasn't just mine anymore," Arrow explained, "It was both mine and hers. And once I accepted that, I was able to heal."
"How did Clary react when she saw it all?" I asked curiously.
Arrow swallowed hard.
"She came close to breaking down, but she accepted me as I was and vowed to help me heal," he explained.
"And you think Avalon will be willing to help me?" I asked.
"Has she said anything about it?" Arrow asked.
"She told me that she would wait until I was ready, I just don't know if I am," I admitted.
"Ryder, you need to let her in," Arrow told me, "I know it's hard, but it's the only way you're going to heal. Have you been sleeping at all?"
"Hardly," I admitted.
"This isn't healthy," Arrow told me, "Please, for the sake of your well-being, let Avalon in."
"I'll try," I replied.
"That's all I ask," Arrow replied, "Now try and get some sleep. Maybe you could try meditating."
I nodded and Arrow left my room. I went out on to the balcony. The crisp cool air washed over me and calmed me. I sat down on a bench on the balcony in the lotus position and closed my eyes.
Inhale.
I thought about the voices and how they tormented me.
Exhale.
I let it go as the air left my lungs. I couldn't let it bother me right now. There was to much at stake.
Inhale.
Like Eris and Ares' wreaking havoc in the human world. But I was in no shape to stand up to them.
Exhale.
I wasn't strong enough to stand up to her and I knew that.
Inhale.
It was the curse. This blasted curse that Enyo had placed upon me and my brothers! It was hindering my powers, causing me torment, and making my life miserable.
Exhale.
Was I ready to heal? I wasn't sure.
Inhale.
Healing would mean exposing Avalon to my torment. The thought of her seeing all of that...no I couldn't think about that now. She wouldn't be able to handle it.
Exhale.
"You're having trouble sleeping again, aren't you?" a voice asked.
I slowly opened my eyes. I didn't even need to look at him to verify who it was. I already knew. There was only one person who had that low shadowy voice. Erebus. The God of Darkness. My Father.
"How did you know to come here?" I asked.
"Please, your Mother has always been able to sense your distress," Father told me, "I came to make sure you were alright."
"I'm fine," I assured him.
"I highly doubt that," he stated, "Tell me, Ryder, do you want to heal?"
"Of course," I replied.
"Do you love Avalon?" he asked.
"With all my heart," I replied.
"Then why do you have such little faith in her?" he asked, "Aphrodite and Hera did not select weak girls to become the soulmates of the Four Fates. Each and every member of the Fated Four is strong and powerful. They were meant to be bound to you and your brothers. Do you honestly thing that the embodiment of Love and Beauty would select a soulmate for you that wouldn't be able to handle your pain?"
"No," I sighed.
"Avalon isn't afraid of the darkness around you, Ryder," Father told me, "In fact your Mother tells me that she is ready to do whatever it takes to help you. She's a fierce little thing, that one."
"That she is," I agreed with a smile. I knew my Father didn't mean it as an insult. He was referring to the fact that Avalon was strong, fierce, and, in some instances even intimidating, despite her small stature. She was small, but mighty. Granted she wasn't that short. She was shorter than me, but she wasn't that short.
"Take care of her," Father told me, "From what I've heard from Hermes, her time on Olympus wasn't easy."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I'll let her explain when she's ready," Father replied.
I nodded. I understood. It was better for Avalon to tell me what she had gone through when she was ready, that way it would be on her own terms.
"Let her in, Ryder," Father told me, "What are you afraid of?"
"Overwhelming her," I admitted, "My pain is greater than that my brothers'."
"I doubt that," Father told me, "Your pain is immense, yes, but your brothers experienced the same amount of pain. But that's besides the point. Overwhelming her? What makes you think you will?"
"My mind is a dark place," I replied, "Avalon is full of light. She doesn't need to see any more of that."
"You make it seem like she already has seen some of it," Father stated.
"She's can walk in dreams, Father," I replied, "She saw me trapped in my torment and managed to influence my dream, changing it in the process."
"Changing it to what?" Father asked.
"The lake under the moonlight," I replied, "A place that's always seemed to calm me."
"I see," Father stated, "It seems that Aphrodite and Hera have selected the perfect match for you. It sounds like Avalon is an influencer, just like you."
"I love her," I admitted.
"I know," Father replied.
"How am I supposed to heal if I don't want to overwhelm her with this torment?" I asked.
"There is going to point where you won't have any other choice," Father told me, "You can let her in and allow her to heal you on your own terms or let your instincts decide for you. Either way, she is going to see just how much pain you go through on a daily basis. And I'm sure I'm not the first person to tell you this."
I scowled and looked away. He was right. Mother. Apollo. Aphrodite. Arrow. They had all told me to let Avalon in some way.
Father sighed.
"Listen to your instincts Ryder," he told me, "You love her, so let her in."
"I'm not ready," I whispered, "I'm not ready for her to see all of it."
"Maybe not yet, but one day you will be," Father assured me.
I nodded and with that my Father vanished into the darkness.
I went back inside my room and crawled back into bed. I stared at the ceiling and thought about what my Father had said. Did I want to heal? Absolutely. I knew that healing was the only way for me to get strong enough to face Eris. It would be good for me as well. I might finally be able to have a peaceful sleep. And yet...I knew that the only way to heal was to let Avalon see everything. My pain. My darkness. My torment. The beast that lurked within me. All of it. Was I ready for that? No. But I would be eventually. I had to be. It was the only way for me to be free from the curse.
But I loved Avalon. Could I really do that to her? I didn't want to, but I knew that my instincts would force me to eventually. Would she be able to handle it?
My Father was right. I really underestimated her. I would have to try and push my doubts aside. I wasn't ready to completely open up to her, but maybe I would be soon.
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