~~im sorry~~
Maybe, it really was his fault for expecting too much. Maybe, he shouldn't have become too assured that everything could fall back easily in its place.
He should've seen in coming.
Soobin should have known.
However, he didn't. He actually thought that he could still fix the thing between him and Yeonjun, but instead of filling the gap that appeared between the two of them, it continued to widen.
It widens and it widens far away for him to touch—too far away for him to save what remains.
He admits, it was painful to see the both of them drifting apart. And, as ironic as it sounds, he feels Yeonjun's absence more right now that he's back.
Soobin hates himself for thinking like this—heck, it isn't even in his nature to pay attention on mattes like this but here he is, pouring all of his attention and focus on this thing more than he's supposed to.
How can he even explain this? He's not really good in expressing how he feels considering that he has them hidden for years that he doesn't know where to start.
It's like—compared from before, he could feel the distance between him and Yeonjun more lately that he could almost swear he can measure it.
Sure, they're talking again and are having occasional playful banters but that's basically it. The last time he was able to actually hold the male was from that time he got back home—and that was two weeks ago.
Soobin refused to say this out loud but he misses how it feels like to have Yeonjun in his arms. To engulf his smaller figure in a warm embrace and have his head nuzzle his neck. He also misses having the brunette's hand intertwined with his and having him cling onto his arms just because Yeonjun wants to.
Being able to stare intently at him as he tells a story about his day, dealing with his childish complaints, starting unnecessary debates over irrelevant things, even having harmless arguments over house chores—Soobin misses all of that and a lot more.
And it stings so much to not be able to do that even though Yeonjun's right there. Close enough for him to see, but so far away for him to feel.
Weeks ago, at least, Soobin had a reason why they weren't able to do those things again because Yeonjun's away—but now?
He doesn't even know why he couldn't.
It's like—he feels as if he isn't allowed to? Like, there's something invisible that's keeping them apart and it's maddening because they couldn't be too close.
He can't be too close—although he desperately tried to be.
Yes, Soobin did try, a lot of times in fact, but it seems as if Yeonjun was dodging each of his attempts unconsciously.
He's always out, always has reasons why he'll be home late, always pre-occupied, always dazed, always in deep thought and always, always out of Soobin's reach.
Even if Yeonjun's actually at home, in front of him, it felt no different from when he was away because he'll always drift off to somewhere anyway and when Soobin tries to ask him what's wrong he'll just smile and brush it off, saying he's just tired.
It went on and on like that with Yeonjun avoiding questions, avoiding confrontations, avoiding touches and avoiding eye contacts which tears a part of Soobin inside because Yeonjun can't even look him in the eye.
And he doesn't know why.
Or maybe, just maybe, Soobin really does.
___
"Are you okay?" asked someone from behind him which caused Yeonjun to turn his head around. Upon meeting his secretary's gaze, Yeonjun brought his focus back at front, his expression remaining stoic.
Jaemin went to sit beside the silent male on the bench, the folders and documents he made Yeonjun sign were resting on his lap. They stayed quiet for a few moments, just letting the gentle breeze graze over their skin as their hair swayed along with it too. Yeonjun watched the leaves that fell on the ground fly and float around as the wind blew again and a part of him secretly envied what seems to be a simple action.
He wishes it is that easy to let his thoughts fly away. Maybe, if they can also be gone once the wind hit him, everything could finally be alright.
But it isn't. Life is not easy like that.
"How long are you going to keep this?"
The question made Yeonjun's brows to crease. "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean."
"No, I don't." Yeonjun shakes his head.
Jaemin then inhaled a deep breath and faced the other male with a concerned look.
"Is—is everything alright with you and Soobin?"
If it's still possible for Yeonjun's frown to deepen, then it just did.
"What?"
"Just—Jeno's been telling me about things he's noticing from Soobin and he's starting to get really worried. He thinks something happened between the two of you but when he tries to ask, Soobin will always shut him off." Jaemin trailed off and waited to see a reaction from the other. When he got none, he took it as a sign to continue.
"You see, Jeno said Soobin went back with his old ways and behaviors the time you were away but isn't he supposed to be okay again because you're back? But, why does it sound like he's getting worse? I heard he's always snarling and snapping again—their new trainees and interns are actually scared of him—and he unusually zones out a lot too. What's going on?"
Yeonjun bit his lower lip, the worry taking over him but his mind's a little too clouded and unresponsive for it to work rationally. You can't blame him though, there have been a lot on his mind lately and he still hasn't rested aptly yet.
"I-I don't know... w-we're fine—we talk at home and we—"
He cut himself off because when was the last time he and Soobin had a proper conversation again? Fuck, he can't even remember when the last time he felt his hands on his was.
"But are you really fine?"
"What?"
Jaemin tried so hard to restrain himself from rolling his eyes at this guy who's being so dumb and dense. He swiftly sent a silent prayer for the gods above to give him extended patience.
"I mean, what if you're thinking you guys are fine but you actually aren't? Or what if, you really are fine but Soobin isn't? Have you even asked him about how he is or if there's something bothering him?" he raised a brow.
Yeonjun avoided his gaze and stayed quiet. Jaemin's eyes widened in disbelief and almost smack the male beside him. "You haven't!? Yeonjun, that's not how relationship works!"
Now it was Yeonjun's turn to stop himself from rolling his eyes.
Relationship, huh?
If only Jaemin knew how complicated it really is.
"—hold on," the pink haired interrupted his thoughts, a hand raised threateningly close in front of Yeonjun's face. "does he even know where you go to all the time?"
There's only a single word that could describe the feeling that crawled up Yeonjun's entire being, he felt like throwing up.
It's guilt.
He felt so damn guilty but is still trying to convince himself that there's nothing to be guilty about because he's not doing anything wrong.
"Yeonjun does he know you're frequently meeting up with your ex?" Jaemin has a displeased look in his eyes, refusing to believe his friend's actions.
However, when Yeonjun avoided his gaze and bit his lower lip again, Jaemin knew he isn't going to like what the older is about to say.
"D-Don't say it like tha—"
"Just fucking answer!"
The male looked down and didn't give him an answer and with that, Jaemin's face contorted into a grimace, frustration flowing rapidly through his veins. "Oh my god, Yeonjun! What the fuck!? Please don't tell me I've been helping you cheat all this time—"
"No!" Yeonjun said something at last, his voice rising due to the accusations, "I'm not cheating on him, okay? I could never do that."
"Then why are you keeping this a secret? Is it even true that he's sick? Or—or maybe that's just a story you both made so you could meet up with him again and ag—"
"Are you fucking serious?" Yeonjun glared at his friend as his hands curled into fists. His finger nails digging onto his palm from how hard he does it. "You think I can do that?"
Jaemin, who was shocked from the outburst, opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He played nervously with the folders he was holding while shifting his gaze away from Yeonjun.
After a minute or so, he speaks. "I-I j-just... don't get why... you're keeping this from him if you're not doing anything... wrong. That's—that's just a bit, you know, suspicious."
A sigh was then heard leaving Yeonjun's mouth, his left hand running though his hair in aggravation.
"Alright. Fine. It might look suspicious or whatever the hell it seems, but trust me, there's nothing to be worried about. I don't have any plans of getting back together with him—fuck it, Nana, I'm goddamn married for crying out loud. I'm with Soobin—I'll only ever be with Soobin—and I only meet with Hyunjin because he's in a really bad situation and he needs all the support he can get. Plus, it'll all be over soon, so there's no need to tell Soobin that. I-I don't want him thinking the wrong thing."
"Okay, but—don't you think... keeping this a secret from him will only give him a reason to think of it wrongly?" Jaemin asked reluctantly. He could see a lot of things that could go wrong because of this, so why is Yeonjun refusing to acknowledge that?
"He won't have to if he doesn't know."
Yeonjun feels so awful saying that but it's for the better.
Right?
"You sounded really bad just now."
Jaemin gave Yeonjun a sympathetic look. The brunette ignored the unpleasant feeling in the bottom of his stomach.
"I know."
"I'm trying to understand your point but I warned you, Yeonjun. I still think that you should tell Soobin about this. Let him know."
The older male didn't respond to that but instead, he just watched as Jaemin got up and started walking away from his sight and left him there alone to dwell with his thoughts.
That stopped however, when he received a message which caused him to instantly stand up to take his leave.
___
To say that he's terrified would be an absolute understatement.
His grip on the steering wheel tightened even more, his knuckles turning white as he drives the car faster. Not giving a damn that he just violated the speed limit and had basically ran past two red lights.
He doesn't even care if some patrol cars are on his tail right now. They're the least of his concerns as of the moment.
Soobin's mind is racing as fast as he's being. The thoughts were hazy and they made him so sick he can't even breathe easily anymore.
Everything happened so fast and he wasn't given the chance to grasp the situation and it was already dragging him into a dark place. He couldn't even fight back because he was feeling too weak and he couldn't feel anything and he can't comprehend what's happening.
There was only one thing he was certain of, however.
He can't live his life without his brother.
Once he reached the hospital Seokjin was allegedly brought into, Soobin didn't waste any second and rushed up to the front desk.
"A patient named Kim Seokjin was brought here not too long ago. Where is he!?" he asked, rather frantically—making the hospital worker behind the desk startled.
"S-Sir, I'm sorry b-but we can't r-reveal such info—"
"I SAID WHERE THE FUCK IS HE!?" he yelled, scaring the girl further who he couldn't care less about.
He has to know where his brother is. He has to see him—has to know he's okay.
"I-I'm r-really sorry sir, but we can—"
"Fucking useless!" Soobin argued with the girl more, not noticing the other nurse already calling for security because of his behavior.
They went on for a minute or so, Soobin shouting in frustration and the girl visibly shaking in fright until a couple of guards showed up and tried to restrain a raging 6ft tall man.
"Let me go! Do you know who I am!? I will—"
"He's with me. You can let him go." A voice coming out of nowhere said, resulting for those guards to set Soobin free who sent them a nasty glare as he pulled his arms back.
He then looked up to see an alarmingly calm Namjoon which caused him to remember what he came there for. Ignoring everyone else around, Soobin ran up to follow Namjoon's retreating figure and grab him by the shoulders.
"Namjoon hyung," he started, turning the older man around to face him, "what happened? Where's hyung? Is he alright? Is—is he awake? Can I see him? Where is—"
Namjoon only stared at him with an unreadable expression. It bothered Soobin so much that he's acting that way despite of the incident. His husband was caught in a fucking accident, why is he behaving like it was nothing?
"Hyung?"
"He's under operation right now, Soobin."
"And you're here acting like nothing's happening?" the younger male speaks out his thoughts. His chest is aching in both anger and disappointment. "What the hell Namjoon hyung? My brother—your husband was involved in a car crash! Why are you so calm? Do you not care? Are you not even worried at all? Because it seems to me that you're not even in the slightest bit affected about the situati—"
Soobin was not able to finish his sentence when he felt hands grabbing his collar and pressing him against the wall. He was breathless and shocked to see Namjoon looking at him with undeniable pain and sorrow in his eyes.
What caused Soobin to be speechless though, were the tears continuously pouring down his brother-in-law's face.
"You don't know what I'm fucking going through," Namjoon stated in a dark and deep voice that it almost frightened Soobin. "You have no idea how my heart dropped the second I saw the news. You don't know what I felt when I saw him lying on that bed, bleeding and unconscious. Y-You don't fucking know how terrified I am right now and how much I wish I was the one in there instead of him. I feel like I'm being tear down to pieces, Soobin—but I have to be strong because I know Jin wouldn't want to see us breaking like this."
And slowly, Namjoon released Soobin from his hold and allowed himself to let the tears fall freely.
The younger hasn't noticed but tears were already falling out of his eyes too. This was his first time seeing Namjoon cry and the sight of it really pains him. The guy is like a real brother to him too, he's family and he felt guilty for ever thinking that Namjoon's fine with everything that happened.
The guy loves his brother so much. Of course, he's the one suffering the most.
"I-I j-just don't want to l-lose him." Soobin breathed out.
"We won't." Namjoon replied, wiping his face then forcing himself to smile at the younger. "He will be okay."
___
For the nth time, his phone call got transferred into voicemail again.
He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself before picking his phone up to dial the same number once more.
Soobin was sent home by Namjoon after staying in the hospital for hours, waiting for Seokjin's condition updates. At first, Soobin insisted on staying and waiting for his brother to be okay but Namjoon sternly told him that he needs rest first because he looked like he's going to be confined too if he doesn't.
It was only settled when Namjoon promised to contact him immediately when there's any news and agreed to let him come back tomorrow.
And that results in Soobin's situation right now, at home, in the kitchen, with a bottle of brandy in front of him and a glass in his hand as he waits for this certain someone to pick up his calls.
But he didn't.
Again.
Letting out a dark and humorless laugh, Soobin held the glass against his palm firmly. The fragile object appears to be in danger beneath his clutch.
He closed his eyes, breathing shallowly as he brought the half-filled glass close to his lips to take another sip in hopes of the alcohol drowning his emotions away. To help him forget—to help him feel numb so he won't feel anything and for him to get better again.
He finished the drink, loving the way it burns his throat with every gulp. Allowing the pain he felt inside to somehow turn itself into that kind of pain where it burns him—to burn him and for it to sting physically until he no longer feels them but they didn't.
They're still there, deep within, making a home inside his chest and he could still feel everything he wishes he doesn't.
And now, they're starting to take over.
Soobin slowly opened his eyes, his sight blurry as he blinks to try and steady it yet it stays the same.
Well at least, now, he could blame his eyes as to why he sees no one in sight.
Why there's no one to call out.
Why there's no one to hold on to.
Why there's no one with him.
Why he's alone. Again.
Like he always was.
Soobin watched as the glass broke and shattered the moment it made contact against the wall. The loud clattering sound it made rang through his ears underneath the dimmed light of the kitchen.
The male let his eyes travel across the destroyed pieces of glass lying there on the floor and felt an odd satisfaction upon seeing the visualization of how he felt.
Maybe, that's how his heart looks too, or maybe, it's more broken that that. Maybe, there's more pieces scattered around and maybe he doesn't want to make an effort to put them back together again because he fears it'll break once more. Or maybe, it was never whole, anyway.
A single tear then made its appearance on Soobin's face without him knowing. He's staring down on his phone, an image of the person he wanted to have beside him staring back at him with a wide smile but instead of feeling at ease, Soobin felt himself break even more so he threw the phone away and cry.
He felt mad and helpless because he told himself he wouldn't waste his tears anymore but here he is, letting himself succumb to weakness while he screams and knocks over the bottle resting on the kitchen island.
Soobin felt so defeated and the thought of being alone running through his head like a broken record made him feel so vulnerable and weak. It frustrates him, angers him enough to have not noticed he had already made a mess in that part of the kitchen and his knuckles are bleeding from repeatedly punching the table.
He let out a pained yell before punching the hard surface one last time and broke down. Slowly, Soobin felt himself sliding down on the ground, his back pressed against the island as he tucked his knees on his chest, wrapping his arms around it as he cried and whimpered.
The voices in his head were taunting him, screaming at him for acting so pathetic and mocking him for being alone. They shout at him so loud and blame him about the accident because he was supposed to be the one having that meeting but Jin took it in behalf of him. He couldn't even feel the wounds and cuts on his knuckles because he's too absorbed in the pain he feels inside.
He wants it to stop.
Desperately wants and begs for it to stop but it goes on and on; enveloping him in a secure embrace which he wants to escape from but he can't move. He can't get away so he stopped and gave up.
Allowing the pain to comfort him.
Until—
"Binnie?"
A faint voice called out for him, but Soobin remained still, his face buried on his arms. Then he felt the presence nearing him as each second passed by.
"Oh my god,"
Yeonjun felt his breath got stuck on his throat the moment he reached the kitchen and turned the lights on. There are broken glasses and objects lying almost everywhere and a male crouched down in one corner he instantly recognized to be Soobin.
Yeonjun's blood ran cold.
"S-Soobin," he ran towards him without hesitation but stopped on his tracks when the latter brought his head up and stared right through him with blunt blank eyes.
They conveyed no emotions that Yeonjun almost didn't recognized them. His heart skipped a beat. "Bin—"
"So now you come back?" Soobin scoffed as he got up, his gaze not breaking contact.
The male stood firmly now, the aura he exudes so dark and intimidating that Yeonjun found himself rooted on the same spot. Still, he tried to gain all his courage up and dared to speak, "What happened? You can tell me what's wro—"
"I tried." Soobin plainly stated which cut him off. Yeonjun furrowed his brows in confusion and then glanced worriedly on Soobin's hands.
"Y-Your hands." He tried to take steps closer but the taller male shakes his head which halted his actions. Yeonjun threw him a baffled look as if asking why he's avoiding his touch.
"Soobin what's wrong? Why are yo—"
"Stop."
"I don't like seeing you like this, let me he—"
"Stop it."
"Binnie, I'm here for yo—"
"I said stop it!" Yeonjun flinched at the sudden raise of voice and he almost cowers in fear as he stares back up on this guy who looks so different from the Soobin he knows.
He wants to know what's going on. He wants to let Soobin know he's there. He wants to comfort him and help him with his problems but why is Soobin not letting him?
"Why don' you just leave me be and go back to him?"
The brunette felt the blood on his face drained out like he was splashed with cold water once those words left Soobin's mouth.
"W-What?" he shakily replied although he already had an idea on what this could be about.
A bitter smirk could be seen on the taller's face. "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."
"I-I can explain—"
"I don't want to hear it." Soobin replied staring fiercely back at Yeonjun.
He's not stupid.
He'd known for a while now. He knows where Yeonjun always disappears to and who he's meeting with. He listened and didn't question things each time the other came up with a made up reason even though he already knew the truth. He pretended he didn't, acted like he believed him although he was aware he was being repeatedly lied to.
He kept his mouth shut, patiently waiting for Yeonjun to tell him the truth because he believed that the male might have his reasons why he did that. He waited for that time to come.
But it didn't.
And it hurts because it seems like Yeonjun isn't planning on telling him.
"Soobin, please, listen to me first." Yeonjun pleaded. His eyes, glistening because he didn't expect this and the guilt is beginning to eat him up.
Silence took over after that. It was just them with their own struggle inside. Both males trying to be strong but their defenses are crashing beyond their controls.
It was agony.
Perhaps, it was the alcohol which caused Soobin to have the strength to interrupt the thick and heavy stillness that's effortlessly making it hard for them to breathe.
"You know, I don't understand you," he started, shaking his head with a grim look on his face. Yeonjun felt his heart beat increased in speed and his knees tremble. "You got upset when you saw me with someone and didn't let me clarify things to you and completely shut me off. But," Soobin closed his eyes shut, not wanting the tears to fall again, "you constantly meet up with someone who was a huge part of your life, maybe he still is, and lied to me about and I'm supposed to let it go?"
The other male shifted his gaze away because he knew what he did wasn't right and he's fucking ashamed of himself for being so selfish. He bit his lower lip hard that he could've sword he tasted blood and then he also felt something trailing down his cheeks and they wouldn't stop.
"Yeonjun I don't understand."
Soobin is breathing hard by now, his head is starting to get dizzy but he wants to let it all out. He wants the heavy weight on his chest out
"I—" Yeonjun clenched his hands into fists, still looking away. "I h-have to be there for him, Soobin. He's—he's undergoing several operations for his illness and there's—"
"For fuck's sake! Ever since he returned all you ever think about is him! You're always with him, always meeting him, always there for him, always Hyunjin on your mind!"
"Soobin—" Yeonjun cried, wanting to defend himself but not finding the strength to.
"You couldn't even pick up one of my damned calls because you were too busy being with him, right? You missed him that much? Couldn't be away from him for just a second? While I'm here, breaking because I don't know what would happen to my brother? While I'm here, frightened because I can lose him any time?
While I'm here, slowly losing you?"
"I—I didn't know—"
"Of course you don't, you're with him!" the taller couldn't help but to raise his voice.
"H-He needs me—"
"And I don't?" Soobin's voice cracked, Yeonjun looked up at him, "What about me, Yeonjun? Did you even think of me? I need you too."
Soobin's crying again at this point too. Yeonjun's shaking and sobbing because what Soobin said hurts and he feels so stupid and he hates himself for being that way.
Hates himself for always ruining things.
"Why does it seem like... that now he's back—I'm suddenly nothing again? You're unfair, Yeonjun. You're fucking unfair."
For those who told Yeonjun that words couldn't hurt him, they lied. Words can. And they definitely would—especially when they came from someone you care about the most.
It's excruciating and painful, as if he was stomped on repeatedly and they returned to put salt into his open wounds.
There was silence, the clock ticks, the world spins and another part of their hearts break. And then Yeonjun heard footsteps nearing him so he glanced up to see Soobin in front of him with a forced smile on his lips while his tears fall freely.
And knowing that he is the cause? God, Yeonjun felt like dying.
"All my life, I was never anyone's first choice... until you came," a set of fresh tears fell from both their eyes, "I—I thought I'll finally know what it feels like but no—I'm pushed aside again. You still chose him over me."
Yeonjun wanted to protest, to say that it isn't true but he knows he already did something enough to make Soobin doubt him. So, he didn't. Although he wishes he could.
"I thought, it wouldn't hurt that bad anymore because I'm used to it. But, Yeon, this one—this one hurts the most."
Fuck, is this what dying while still breathing feels like? Yeonjun sobs harder and takes a hold of Soobin's sleeve but the latter didn't move, he just stares at Yeonjun with tears still falling down from his eyes.
"And now, I'm feeling really dumb because I want to get mad at you, yell at you, ask you why you lied to me, hate you for making me feel this way but I don't. As much as I tell myself I don't want to see you or get close to you I know those were lies, because all I want to do is have you in between my arms, wipe your tears away, kiss you and say 'it'll be alright'."
And so, Soobin raised his right hand and put them above Yeonjun's that's holding his left sleeve. However, instead of pulling him close or letting his hand linger there for a bit more, he removed Yeonjun's hand and backed away, resulting for the brunette to let out a whimper.
"Binnie—"
"I'm sorry." Soobin sent an apologetic look, he stopped himself from crying more.
No, don't say it.
"Yeonjun,"
No, stop.
"Let's not do this anymore,"
I know it's my fault but—
"Let's stop this."
Don't leave me.
And the next thing Yeonjun knew, Soobin's already turning his back on him.
"No," Yeonjun whispered, "No," he said louder, "You don't mean that." He shakes his head as he said those words but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than the other male.
"Soobin come back here."
He didn't.
Yeonjun attempted to take a step forward but a shard of glass prevented him from doing so. "If you take one more step away, you're ending this."
Soobin halted and Yeonjun almost felt relieved and thought that they could still save what's left but—
Soobin took another step forward.
And another.
And another.
And then another.
Until he's gone.
Yeonjun fell down on the hard ground together with his heart, feeling like all his energy left his body and his world crumbling down.
He wailed, tears after tears as the memory of Soobin walking away from him replayed itself again and again in his mind.
"Soobin, please, don't leave me."
~~
so yeah, this happened.