I threw my phone on the island counter, which was where it was originally placed throughout the entire dinner that I just had. My legs waited for nothing as they pulled me back to the sink, giving not even half of my attention back to the dishes. But the device screamed again as if I ignored it when it first rang. I didn't and never did. Answering it earlier what was put my mind into this jungle of thoughts and worries.
Sighing, I stopped my hands from washing the remaining cutlery in the sink as I remembered about a place I really wanted to be in; my hometown. If I could wish for it at that time, I definitely would. It was because doing dishes in a house I grew up in had always been calming no matter how tiring it was, thanks to the beautiful view of the hills that could be seen from the window. This apartment on the other hand could only offer a wall that was mounted with marble backsplash above the sink, and you had no choice but to look at it as the only scenery available. Boring.
So I spun around one more time, hand grabbing the phone while it was still ringing. But a voice that came from the living area announced its strictness, making me doubt my decision at that time.
"Put it down"
I brought my gaze to its owner and our eyes were connected straight away, telling me that I was actually being watched without realising. Because as far as I noticed, those eyes were fixed on the TV earlier when I answered the first call.
"Put the phone down, Chae"
I was debating with the urge to either oblige or object the voice.
"Lisa, it's-"
"Your dad again" She interrupted my sentence since she already knew who just tried to reach me. "He just called you 10 seconds ago"
"He probably forgot to tell me something"
"Yes, he forgot to ask you for some money"
I ran my eyes away, feeling the threat to cry and get mad at the same time. I didn't like it when she talked that way, especially about my father. I never liked it and she was aware of that. But as far as our relationship went, she would never care if I was hurt by her words. The Lisa I loved was never a partner who would tell me lies and comforting words just to make myself feel better. She was never that kind of a human. That was because she only told me the truth, even if I would get hurt by it.
So I grabbed my phone again, trying to make a call that I didn't answer earlier.
"See?" Lisa spoke with a different tone of voice this time; rougher. "This is your problem!"
"I just want to make sure he's alright"
"How can he be alright? He's running out of money!"
Listening to the beep through the phone, I still wanted to defend my action no matter how much I knew that Lisa was right all along. "I'll help him then. That's all I can do"
"Great, and I'll have to help you when you don't have money at the end of the month"
"What is that supposed to mean?" I put the phone away when my call wasn't answered and I didn't even bother to redial. It was because I found something else that worth more of my attention. "I never asked for your money-"
"Should I let you starve then?" Her voice was round and full, just like how her eyes looked like. "I know what you think of me, Chae. I'm the bad one, I have a cold heart, but at least I'm not that cruel to ask money from someone I love until she doesn't have any left even to buy some bread!"
I was shut to that, realising how mad she had been when I fought her for what I thought was right to do. And the fact that she indirectly stating her feelings towards me, which was very rare for her to, made me feel the relief I needed from this heating argument.
Then I decided not to flame her anger anymore, looking down at the counter where my hands rested. There was no use of fighting another wolf in the room as I already realised long time ago that I was just a sheep. Just by thinking of how weak I could be, made me feel sorry for myself. I was never strong to fight my dad even though he did bad things to me. I was never willed enough to listen to Lisa even though she did right things just to protect me. I knew that everything she said about me was true; I was the real problem. I was the one who let myself to be treated that way. But I just didn't want to accept it. I still believed that people could change even if they showed no signs for it.
My father could change.
I was lost in my own indecisions, not realising that Lisa had made her way towards me. I only found out when her arms were secured around my waist, almost startling me with that soft touch. It was because I wasn't used to her being soft. She wasn't that kind of a person to even begin with.
She breathed against my left ear, probably thinking of what to say to me since I was quiet after getting nagged earlier.
"Are you mad?" She asked.
"No"
"Upset?"
"Yeah"
She groaned, sounding like she was frustrated by my response, which I thought there was nothing wrong with it. I had my own emotions too. I was definitely allowed to show them.
"I don't know what else to say to you, Chae. You always misunderstand my intention anyway"
"Maybe you can change the way you talk. That will help a lot"
Lisa let go of me straight away and I knew I just made her angry again.
"This is just the way I am. If you don't like it, why are we even together?"
Turning around to face her, I continued the conversation based on what she just talked about.
"Speaking of that," I breathed out, crossing my arms. "I think we should tell my dad about us"
She chuckled. "We? What do you mean by we?"
"He's still insisting about that priest's son"
"And?" Lisa responded with eyebrows raised as if she had no idea about what I was talking about, which making me annoyed a little.
"If we tell him the truth, maybe he will stop with this matchmaking stuff"
"Are you out of your mind?" She laughed this time, probably finding my suggestion worth more than just a chuckle. "Why do you even think that will happen?"
"Why not?"
I argued harder because I sensed something was bothering her each time I alluded to telling our parents regarding our relationship since she never even took me to meet her mother. And so I brought that matter to her again just to see if she would react the same way she always did. I guessed I was right about that.
"Your father is a priest! We can't just tell him!"
"If that's the case, how much longer we need to hide? Forever?"
"Why do you love to exaggerate things?"
"Me? Exaggerating things?" I could feel the heat of anger in me again, knocking and saying hello to my patience. "Or it's you who never take our relationship seriously?"
"It's only been 9 months!" She yelled without warning, making me jump by the volume she projected. "For God's sake, give me a break!"
"So you are actually saying-" I paused, eyes locked at hers that were penetrating my soul with their own wrath. "9 months of us being together is still not enough?"
"Not enough for what?"
"To proceed to the next level?"
"Chae, listen..." Lisa ran her palm from her forehead to her chin, probably trying to calm herself from getting mad again. "This isn't easy for me, do you understand?"
"Why? Because I'm a woman?"
"Do you really want to go there?"
She replied my question with another question as if it sounded irrelevant to her, which made me feel even more upset than I already was.
"That's all I can think of, Lisa. You are still doubting"
"Stop," She gritted her teeth as her eyes were wild. "Don't you assume my feelings, you don't know me"
"Let me know then. We never discuss about our future plan together, that's why"
"What is it to discuss if I haven't thought about any future with you yet?!"
This time it wasn't just her yelling that pressed my tongue down, but her words stabbed my heart like a spear that was thrown with a devotion to kill. I used to think if I was being too pushy, asking and suggesting to her that we should meet each other's parents while she was busy handling homicide cases. I used to think if I was being selfish, wanting Lisa to declare me as someone who meant the world to her with a ring on my finger. I used to think if everything was too fast and I should give her more time and space to consider our relationship, but now I knew that I was wrong.
It wasn't just me who was at fault, but also another party in this love I was in that was just not as interested. Simple.
Feeling how runny my nose had became, I walked out from that small space as my hand reached for two paper tissues at the end of the kitchen island. Walking past her in the middle of conversation wasn't something I liked to do, considering how rude that action was for Lisa if someone just walked away and left her hanging. She would get angrier for sure, but I couldn't hold the sadness in my chest either. I had to leave or I would break down if I continued to listen to her this way.
"Where do you think you are going, Ms. Richards?! I'm not done with you!"
"I know you are not done yet, Lisa" I responded, grabbing my things and shoving them into my handbag as soon as I reached the coffee table in the middle of the living area. "You are also not done with your ex boyfriend"
"You are doing this on purpose, don't you?!"
"Doing what, Lisa?" I turned my head and looked at her over my shoulder, just enough for me to see her figure while my lips trembled to let words out.
"You just love to piss me off!"
"No Lisa, I just love you so much"
There was a few seconds of silence in the waiting of her to reply, which I didn't mind spending on. Because it wasn't always for us to have time together and talk about serious matters since Lisa's job was always hectic, and she often came home with an exhausted mind that I didn't want to burden.
"Then please," She paused as her voice turned down. "Please drop about Hopkins. He has nothing to do with our relationship"
I spun my body as soon as I got my handbag wrapped around my shoulder, and our eyes connected again. Only this time, my vision was blurry by the hanging tears.
"I know you love me, Lisa. You care for me in your own way, I can feel that" I took a moment to breathe and gather my strength to say the next words that I really hated to utter. But I had no choice. I needed to let them out for my own inner peace. "And you also still in love with Hopkins"
"You know what," She sighed loudly, both shoulders falling into disappointment that I wasn't sure if it hit her feelings for me, or her truth that I finally had the guts to spill in front of her face. "You are too much this time. I'm done with you"
"Of course you are done with me," I smiled with a pain that was so hard for me to ignore, feeling the tears that just ran down on my cheeks. "You are going to Glasgow with him in a few days, having a great time together"
"Bloody-" She restrained herself, voice going up to where it had been earlier. "Stop with your jealousy, would you?! This is a work stuff, not a personal trip!"
"And you volunteered while you still have lots of pending cases just for a seminar, why Lisa?" I kept my smile on because I knew I had pushed her button to the limit. "Because you want to go with him, right?"
"Get out" She commanded, probably not caring if I returned to Barking alone at 9 at night. "Leave before I do something to you that I'm going to regret"
So I listened to her.