"Chae Madeleine Richards!"
The morning could be harsh cold, creating a thin layer of fog on the window panes as how I imagined them to be, but even that had no intention to defeat the coldness of a voice I just heard.
It roamed like a lost animal, lurking under the dark sky without a noise except for the lonely screams of cicadas left behind. The screeching of owls might wake those tiny hair on your neck but even that was meant to be the beauty among brown poles. There was no beauty in that voice; only four times strength that knew no mercy by its nature, hungry for the taste of flesh.
As you were kept behind tons of bricks and wooden doors, your eyes remained shut and your mind drove away in the sleepiness you were opposed to embrace, trusting that you were safe. While those four bones already made their ways to you, staining your floor with the wetness that came in between sharp teeth that belonged to no man, you were no less of a clueless soul rested on a comfy mattress, having no idea about what was approaching in silence.
Until your eyelids were opened when you heard a slow, yet penetrating growl that sounded so near, you saw those angry red gums right in front of your eyes. Then you just knew it was the end for a human like you, like me, who had a wolf that lived under the same roof, waiting to rip a head off your body in no meal time.
Holding an internal scream that begged to be lashed out, I only managed to keep it under my throat. "Yes?"
"Open the goddamn door!"
That voice pounded against my chest again, coming with blows of fist that did the same thing to my bedroom door. Those noises that had been occupying my nights in a form of sanguine amusement, dragged my legs towards the only protection I owned from the waiting wolf.
I was pushed right after I pulled the knob, revealing a man who felt like winter; lasted for not only months but the whole year instead. Frigorific.
"What took you so long?!"
"I was sleeping-"
"Do you know what time is it?!"
Those screams were never enough to bring judgement to my face, so the wolf decided to use its claws.
I couldn't afford to buy the time even for myself when tears just invaded the little space in my eyes. Having my hair wrapped in between his fingers; pulled and abused by a man's strength that was forced on someone who wasn't able to hold it, brought cries in my voice that had no place in his heart. Shameless.
"What day is today, Chae?" He hissed, yanking my head closer to his face as my hands were trying to loosen the painful grip he put on me.
"S-Sunday"
"Louder!"
"It's Sunday" I repeated myself for him, eyes pushing out tears.
He chuckled a little and continued to express his disappointment.
"So you knew it's Sunday, huh?" He put unnecessary comment that was nothing more than just an obvious statement. "You should have been ready by now"
"I didn't mean it," I put more strength along my arms, pushing his hand away and hoping that he would let go of me. He didn't. "I missed the alarm-"
"That's how you are going to answer God?" He pressed his voice, hurting me a lot worse than before by making me feel like my hair was going to be ripped off from my scalp. "That's the reason you are going to give to Him?"
"I'm sorry, I'll get ready now"
"That's no longer necessary. It's better if you just stay at home"
He finally freed me from the pain he caused, pushing me away by the head.
"I won't take long-"
"Don't you humiliate me," He warned with gritted teeth, eyes poking into mine. "What will people say? Father Richards' daughter comes late to the church again?!"
I kept my head down even though his steps widening the space between us. Knowing what kind of man he was, he would love to hurt my feelings with his wrath even more than this, but he chose the church more than his home. He was already prepared to leave these walls of sorrow in a sheep's clothing, and not to abandon a friendly smile he put on his face for the villagers. The time around his wrist was running out so he had to rush, leaving me behind without a word.
So I opened my mouth one more time no matter how much I just wanted to leave and never came back again. I can't.
I loved him so much.
"My train will leave at 1 o'clock"
Not even the need to be early on Sunday could restrain him from stopping when he heard what I just said, planting seeds of hope in me that he still cared, even a little, he still cared for his daughter's tiny voice, perhaps. He spun around, eyes looking at me with a softer look than he had earlier, and I kept that in my heart forever as his loving gestures that I rarely received.
I waited for a few more seconds for him to say something, but he didn't. He probably couldn't grasp my intention of telling him that, so it was better if I drove him into my mind than putting him behind the wheel. He wouldn't make it.
"Would you send me to the station, dad?"
He smiled.
"You are not a kid anymore"
His words were indirect to my necessity, but a sentence from him was also an answer. He didn't have to say no to conclude. The way he spoke was enough to tell and break my heart...again.
"Also," He added as his fingers were fixing his collar. "You will come back next weekend, right?"
I could feel my knees shaking as soon as he asked me that. It felt like the winter cold had eaten my flesh, digging deep to the bones and its cruelty had weakened a woman's heart like mine.
"I- uhh," I stuttered for a reason to give, feeling the nervousness crawling under my skin. "I have to work, dad"
"Ask for a day off then" He suggested with his a calm voice as the sweet smile of his remained. "I already told you about this, didn't I?"
"Natalie can't cook alone on Saturday, dad. The customers-"
"So your friend is more important your own father?"
"No! No, no no" I was filled with panic just in a split second, worrying if I had offended him, which was never my intention to. "Dad..." I walked past the door frame, attempting to approach him. "That's not what I meant"
"I have given my word to Father Andrews," He stated firmly this time, which stopped my walk in instant. "And his son is expecting to meet you on Saturday"
I took my time to gather my courage that I thought I shouldn't have used against a man who had raised me, but I was left with no choice. Years of me serving as his daughter had taught me to be strong in softness, indulging myself in patience and compassion that were shown by someone I had been missing to call mum. That was how I remembered of being, and also how I would always be. Still, I couldn't lie about having the urge to do something for my own self. I couldn't deny the temptation to put myself first before anyone else. So I made up my mind not to ignore my voice anymore.
He needs to hear me. He has to.
"Dad?" I asked for his attention, which he had already fulfilled ever since he locked his stare at me. "I don't want to meet him"
He sighed, taking his eyes along the loud breath that escaped his lips.
"He will be ordained sooner or later, Chae" It was dad who moved his way, getting closer to where I was standing at that time. "Don't you like that?"
I closed my eyes when his hand was the last thing I saw and resumed to feel his skin on mine, stroking my face with his delicate fingers. It was hard to even breathe at that point, feeling like the air was stuck somewhere in my body with no proper release.
"You can get a husband like me," His voice travelled deeper just like his fingers had been, marking his existence along my neck and down to my chest. "I know you will like that"
Then his palm pushed me away just like how his voice always did, throwing a huge surprise for me to catch; almost stumbled over my own legs as my hand reached for the wall beside me.
"I don't want to meet him-" My speech was disturbed by a sob. "Please..."
"Seth is a good man!" He yelled as loud as he could, sending another thump of shock into my chest.
But I lifted my head, connecting our eyes again when the sadness that I had been enduring could no longer be comprehended.
"So were you, dad"
"You-" He stomped his feet towards me, raising his hand with a strength that I had felt before but he stopped before it could reach my face.
The ringing in his pocket was what saved me.
"See you on Saturday" He pressed his voice, standing still in front of me like a man who was ready to fight for what he wanted. "Would you do that for me, my child?"
I was about to speak again and he showed me his back to look at.
"Dad!"
Loneliness was what left for me to bring back to London when he ignored me like he did to that someone who was trying to reach him. That reminded me of my own phone, thinking that I had to make a call for myself.
My eyes looked for a contact name that was on the list of my recent calls. I was hesitated to swipe on the screen at first but again, I had no choice. I had to make the call before I lost my mind, risking myself in the frustration that drowned me to my own death. It was hard to wish you were dead, yet it was so tempting when you felt like you had no reason to live anyway.
"Hello?"
A voice that had the same coldness as my dad's greeted me after seconds of ringing. Even though it sounded similar to the one I had learned to accept in the past 2 years, I confessed that it never sent fear into my heart. I love that voice. And I will always be in love with it.
"Hello, hey..." I couldn't help to smile even with the pain that shook my entire jaw. "Am I disturbing you?"
"How many times should I tell you not to call me when I'm at work?"
Guilt rushed in while the sobs weighed me even more.
"Ohh, I'm sorry" I uttered, knowing that I just pushed someone's anger button with my action. "It's Sunday so I thought-"
"I have a case, Chae. It's not that I go to work for fun"
I tried to coax myself even though I knew the condition of that voice; annoyed.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know. You didn't give me any text since last night"
"So I need to inform you everything I do?"
"No, that's not what I said-"
"What is it, Chae? Make it quick"
Sighing, I sat myself on the bed as I figured for the right way to speak. But the sadness that grew in me seemed to have influence on my thinking. My mouth felt so heavy, blocking any effort I struggled to make when I needed to answer that question. And so I knew that I couldn't talk. I just felt like crying.
The voice on the line probably had became impatient, fighting with time that was running and me, who was delaying it by being speechless.
"Do you want to talk or?"
"I'm-"
"If you just want to cry, do that first" The voice told me. "I'll call you when I'm free"
"Okay," I took a deep breath, clearing my throat when my voice cracked. "I'll wait"
"Is it your dad again?"
"Y-yeah" I found the strength to speak up when I sensed concern in that sentence. "It's my dad, he-"
"Ahh come on, you're not a baby! Your dad isn't the problem. It's you who refuses to object him!"
"I don't know how to explain to you about him"
"And I don't want to know either, don't drain yourself on that part"
"He asked me to meet that guy-"
"You are an adult, Chae. He can't tell you what to do anymore. Grow up!"
"I told him I don't want to"
"So what's the problem here?" The voice questioned as my cries had became audible. "If that's what you said to him then I don't find any issue. You just wanted to call me"
"I'm sorry-"
"Hey, look. I have to go now. Come to my place when you reach London"
"Sure, but-"
"You have the keys with you, right?"
"Yes"
"Alright then, I'll see you later. Bye"
"Wait! Hello?!"
It was silence.
"Hello?" I still begged for that voice even though I knew it was already gone. "Bye, I love you" I whispered as sobs continued to pain me, still having the phone against my ear. "I love you, Lisa"