i hate myself,
but i can't tell you that.
you'd tell me not to,
but you don't understand
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．
THE DISTANT SOUND OF MUMBLED VOICES WOKE ME UP.
"- sure she'll be okay?"
"Don't worry young man, she'll be just fine after some rest."
My eyes began to flutter open. Drowsiness filled every cell in my body with a splitting pain erupting in the right side of my head. I let out an agonized groan at the pounding feeling; placing a hand over it, as if that would help ease it. As my eyes fully opened, I flinched away at the harsh lights that were above me.
"You're awake!"
Unaware that there was someone beside me, I violently jolted at the sudden loud voice that came from my right. The fear that Tyler was beside me, sat on me like a pillow was covering my mouth and nose. Enough air would get in, allowing me to stay alive, but at the same time, it felt crippling. My heart raced faster and faster, and I could feel the colour slowly draining from my face; my saliva thickening to a rancid paste.
However, as soon as my brain registered the familiar, soothing voice, it was like a calming aura was placed over me. My heart slowed down, and my body seemed to uncurl and relax. I wasn't sure if it was the person or the voice that affected me in this way, but either way, I didn't mind.
"Hey Toby," I greeted and shot him a weak grin.
Toby's smiling face was close to mine, so close, I could see every individual freckle that smattered his nose. I stared at the familiar face for a few seconds, a frown appearing on my face when my heart seemed to skip a beat.
"Naomi Marie Ryder!" he suddenly exclaimed, making me cringe back at the use of my full name, "I swear one of these days you're going to give me a heart attack. How do you expect me to live until I'm ninety when you keep scaring me like this?"
Gone was his smile, replaced with a heavy frown, stress lines marring his skin. Concern and worry shone as bright as the night stars as he stared down at me with a hard intensity.
I furrowed my brows heavily as I tried to think back, "I'm sorry. . . but what happened again?"
And suddenly, like a wave crashing against the shore, everything came back to me. Tyler, his mother, the threat against my parents. . . Everything. For a short, bittersweet moment, I didn't remember. For a moment, I didn't have his face, his voice. . . following me everywhere. And that small moment was the most peace I had had, in weeks.
Toby shrugged his shoulders, clueless, "I'm not too sure myself. They found you passed out on the floor in one of the classrooms. . ." he trailed off, shooting me a hesitant look, "I was actually going to ask you that question."
"I-I. . ."
My voice came out in a small, quiet whisper, almost unintelligible. Toby's face grew concerned as I struggled to get a single word out. The immense pressure that was weighing down on m y chest was making it hard for me to even breathe properly.
"Is this about Tyler again?" he growled, as realization dawned on his face. He narrowed his eyes on me when my face grew red in shame, "Don't you dare lie to me, Naomi. Did you talk to him?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but nothing came out. It was almost like my mind was screaming at me, telling me what to say but I was simply unable to express it. My eyes were glossy with unshed tears as I gave a short nod of my head. While I hadn't yet opened up to Toby about what had happened, he knew something bad had happened. Over the past few days, he had been glued to my side, not letting anyone near me, making as many jokes as he possibly could and bringing in my favorite snacks.
I felt horrible for not being open with him - but I couldn't tell him. I was ashamed and embarrassed to. I didn't want him to look at me and tell me that it was all my fault and that he had warned me. I was the one who had gotten myself in this situation and I deserved to suffer in silence.
"I don't know what the hell happened between you two, but he has no right to talk to you anymore," Toby hissed as he blew air out of his nose in anger, "What did he do to you?"
I watched as his knuckles turned white; balling them into small fists. My eyes widened in concern when a vein began to protrude out of his neck, about to pop. His face grew redder with each passing second, so much so, that I was worried he wasn't even breathing.
"Toby -" I reached towards him, trying to comfort him but he turned away from me.
"No Naomi," he snapped, scraping the legs of the chair against the floor. "Enough is enough. He can't get away with this and you know what? I've had fucking enough of his shit."
"Wait, Toby, no, don't you dare –"
Toby didn't even wait for me to finish my sentence. Within a few short seconds, he was storming towards the door, nearly pulling it off its hinges as it slammed open. I ripped the covers that were over me, struggling to get out of the bed. Staggering on my feet, my hand snapping out to balance myself against the wall.
"Toby, wait!" I called out behind him pathetically.
I stumbled out of the room, trying to keep up with his long strides. He had a determined look on his face as he stalked down the empty hallway. My heart skipped a beat when he came to a halt outside one of the classrooms - Tyler's homeroom.
I opened my mouth, my eyes wide, "Toby, no -"
My sentence fell short as he violently jerked the door open, banging the handle off the wall. He stormed inside, ignoring my calls for him. A pained hiss left my lips as the splitting pain worsened in my head. I gripped the edge of the door, taking a deep breath.
"What the hell do you think you're doing!?"
My eyes shot over to the familiar sounding voice. The air left my lungs as I saw Toby had Tyler pinned against the wall, gripping the edge of his collar. A collective gasp was heard in the room as everyone stared with wide eyes at the two boys. Tyler's face was red in anger as he struggled to get Toby's arm off him.
His beady eyes slid over to mine, and I physically flinched at the visible hatred and warning that was blaring in them.
"Toby," I called out in a shaky voice, "Let go of him."
"No way," he spat, not even turning to look at me, "Who does he think he is? I don't know what happened, but it was enough to make you fucking pass out, and you want to be okay with that?"
"Toby," I stressed, "You know that this won't do anything, and you'll end up being the one who is punished -"
"I don't care anymore, Naomi!" he shouted in distress, "I seriously don't give a shit anymore. I've had enough. Whatever he's done, I know he deserves this."
"Please?" I whispered pleadingly, peering up at him wide wide eyes, "For me?"
At my words, he faltered for a second, loosening his grip on Tyler. It was in that moment that Tyler saw his chance and raised a fist, pounding it into Toby's jaw. I staggered back as Toby stumbled towards me, clutching his jaw.
Tyler's face scrunched up as he took a threatening step forward. By looking at the faces of all the girls in the room, the once fairy-tale image they had of him was slowly beginning to diminish; like it had with me. Tyler fixed his shirt, a sneer on his face, "How dare you touch me with your filthy fucking hands?"
"Toby –"
My voice was drowned out, however. He didn't hear me, or maybe he chose to ignore me as he let loose a fist towards Tyler. I stumbled back as the two began throwing a series of punches at one another. While I had once thought that Tyler would be the stronger of the two, watching them as they circled around each other, I knew they were well-matched. Like predator against predator, it was almost impossible to say who had the edge over the other. If Tyler got a hit, Toby would retaliate twice as hard. I watched through worried eyes, unsure of what to do. Blood trickled down their faces, sweat shining on their foreheads.
"You disgusting son of a bitch," Toby panted heavily, lifting a hand to wipe his glistening forehead, "What the hell did you do?"
Tyler smirked; a cruel sneer on his lips, "Has Naomi even told you what happened?"
His words had Toby faltering; turning his head to shoot a glance at me, but I lowered my gaze to the ground, unable to find the strength to look at my best friend.
"What are you talking about?" he hissed, his eyes flashing in venomous anger.
Tyler bellowed a laugh, clutching his stomach at the confusion in Toby's voice. He took delight in knowing something he didn't - and he could almost taunt him with this secret.
"She didn't tell you what we did?" he prompted, pausing a second for dramatic effect, "Together?"
"Naomi?" Toby called out, his voice wobbling in the middle, "What's going on? What the hell is he talking about?"
Feeling the heat of the stares on me, I staggered back on me feet. My hand was resting against the wall; offering me the only form of support. Toby's eyes flickered between mine, searching for an answer I didn't want to give, whereas Tyler looked gleeful, watching the scene play out. Soundless, my mouth opened and closed, with no words coming out. Toby appeared almost desperate, needing an answer to everything.
"He -"
Yet, as soon as I went to speak I was cut off by the shrilling screech of a teacher.
"What on earth are you two doing?!"
Everyone's heads snapped over to a flustered looking Miss Karen. She slammed her hand on the door twice, an expecting look on her face.
"I demand an explanation!" she screeched, her voice raising with every sentence, "Someone better start talking!"
We all stood silently; the majority unsure of what was even happening. The three of us all looked between one another. While Tyler sent me a warning glare, Toby's eyes were warm and open, encouraging me to speak up.
But, I stood frozen.
The disappointment on his face as he realized I was going to remain silent, triggered something in me; an awful feeling, like I had just let someone down. I watched as his face fell, a dark shadow looming over him. The guilt I felt slowly began to rise, filling me up until I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was trapped, on one hand I wanted to speak up but the horrifying fear of the consequences was preventing me from speaking.
"No?" Miss Karen spoke again after a long moment of silence, "No one wants to speak? Well then, you can all come with me to the principal's office –"
"Miss, Toby came in and had Tyler up against the wall when Tyler punched him," one girl tattled noisily, "Honestly, Toby didn't do anything wrong, Tyler was the one who lost his control first."
A violent shiver ripped through my body at the deathly glare Tyler sent the poor girl, but instead of shriveling up in her seat like I would have done, she glared back at him, challenging him. I looked at her, surprised. She seemed to have the same look of disgust I did when she stared at him. Her gaze caught mine, seeming like she was trying to convey something with her eyes. She was petite, with blue dyed hair and a small piercing shining in her bottom lip. Something about her was catching my attention, aside from her bright colored hair and clothes.
Miss Karen faltered, a hesitant look crossing her face, "Well. Thank you for your input, Nicole. I appreciate it."
After a few seconds of silence, Nicole daringly raised a brow, "I thought you were bringing them down to the principal?"
Miss Karen, clearly flustered, faked a laugh, "Well Nicole, there's no need to involve her if we can just settle this here, right boys?"
She looked over at the boys, her eyes daring them to say otherwise. Tyler and Toby glanced at one another, the sheer hatred visible. The tension in the air was so thick, even a knife wouldn't have been able to slice through it.
"Right boys?" she stressed heavily, when no-one replied.
Tyler put on his usual charming face and smiled widely, "Of course, Miss. We both sincerely apologize for having caused you any trouble."
Toby and Nicole both scoffed under their breaths at his fake tone, while I tried to curl up into myself. If only the ground would open up and swallow me whole.
Miss Karen breathed a sigh of relief, "No, Tyler! Don't worry about it, you boys will be boys after all. I'm sure it's only a small fight."
"Exactly," Tyler agreed, his usual grin looking eerie to me now.
Tyler pushed past Toby, knocking into his shoulder lightly. I held my breath as he passed by me, feeling a shudder run through me at his closeness. He stopped for a second, muttering a few words, so lightly, even I struggled to hear them, but when I did. . . Dread filled every single cell inside of me.
"I warned you what would happen if you even thought about opening your mouth."
.・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・．