I stayed with him the whole night. I couldn't bear to leave him. I don't know if he had planned to bring me in last night, considering his family were all away. He was the only one of his siblings that didn't go to visit their aunt over in Connecticut. But I don't think it was planned. I believe what happened last night progressed naturally. I wasn't planning on telling him I loved him. I knew I felt it, but I certainly didn't walk into that building expecting to tell him that evening. I didn't expect our first real, public kiss to happen that night. And I don't think he was expecting that morning as he was getting dressed, that he would end the night inviting me inside for our first time. I think the cards were just dealt in our favor that night. But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was perfect.
I don't think of Anthony as my first time anymore. It's all relative anyway. And what I did with Anthony isn't comparable to what Connor and I did. What happened with Anthony wasn't sex, it wasn't real. I didn't look at him, I didn't get undressed, it was purely out of spite. I left the minute we were finished. It was just getting off, it wasn't real. I don't want to count it. Because these two were not the same at all, it'd be a disservice to call what I did with Anthony, sex. What happened last night with Connor was. That was my real first time. And it was wonderful.
I didn't feel an ounce of shame. In fact, it was almost freeing. I let myself out of the imprisonment of how I see my masculinity. I let him take the lead, show me what to do, even though I took the.. dominant role in it. He helped me through, he took care of me. Afterward, he held me in his arms until my heart slowed again. When you expose yourself to someone like that, you let down your walls. You can allow yourself to be taken care of, to be seen as less than a perfect figure of self-reliance.
And I don't think I'll ever go back. I'm freed, in a sense. I don't feel the need to be forced into the roles I thought I had to fill. This was my real first time.
He told me things about himself he's never told anyone before. Things nobody knows. We connected on a deeper basis than ever before.
I woke up the next morning, still in his hoodie. He slept still, his hair pushed back and messy. The freckles beside his eyes twitched while he dreamt, his warm-blonde lashes fluttering. He's gorgeous. He's incredibly beautiful.. his skin is pale and untouched by imperfections. He smelled of sex and faded cologne. I woke him with a slow kiss on the cheek, warm and soft against my lips.
"Connor.." I whispered, my fingertips tracing over his cheek
His eyes flickered open, looking around as he gained his bearings. He stretched and gave me a sleepy smile, reaching out to push the hair from my forehead.
"Good morning... I've never gotten to say that to you before.." I grinned
"Good morning, you sweet little thing.. are you feeling alright this morning?"
"I feel great.. honestly, I feel wonderful."
"M'glad.. I was worried you might not be doing great.."
"Honestly, I could go again if I wanted to.. and I do kind of want to."
"No, you need your meds, Sweetheart.. what time is it?"
"I don't even know what day it is..... oh, shit."
"What?"
"It's Monday."
"What!?"
"It's Monday.. we're late."
"Shit!" He shot up in a panic
"Baby, just calm down.. you can miss a day of school, it's okay.. you're already late, it's the same tarnish on the record as if you ditched.. come on, handsome boy.. just relax" I kissed him on the tip of his ear
He hummed a bit, chuckling
"Oh.. you're going to use this against me, huh?" He leaned into my touch
"Maybe"
"Well... It's working.."
"Yeah?" I smirked against his neck
"Yeah... no, Kevin, you need to get your meds.." he stopped me
"I don't want to go home.." I pouted
"I'll stay with you.. we can lay in bed like this all day once your get your meds in you.. kay?"
"Okay.. fine."
"Attaboy... you'll need to put your own clothes on, though, we don't need your parents knowing what happened"
"God, no. They'd never let me leave the house again"
"Get dressed.. I'll do the same."
Honestly, I've become even less confident in my parents. I think I may have given them a little too much credit. They've been talking about the neighbor's nephew a lot. He's out of the closet, and my parents won't stop talking about it. It's not the best things they're saying, either.
I didn't think I would ever want to come out to my parents. But it gets harder to keep in. What at one point felt like only an undisclosed fun fact, begins to feel like a weight, dragging you down. Your entire life begins to feel like a filthy lie. But the closer I get to having to spit out this secret, the less reliable they become. I'm scared. I have to admit it, I'm very scared. I wish I was still someone who could keep it a secret from their parents, but it's getting more difficult. My sense tells me not to even fucking peek out of the closet door, but it kills me to keep in, it screams in my ear every time I try to even be in the same room as my parents. It was like a lit match, that you couldn't let go of. You have to let it burn you, because if you drop it, the whole house goes up in flames. And it burns, it burns like hell. At some point, you can't bear it anymore, you have to drop the match, your skin starts to blister and bubble, and no matter how hard you tried to keep holding onto it, you just can't do it anymore.
I'm just waiting for when I drop the match.
"Kevvy? You okay?" Connor interrupted
"Huh?"
"Are you okay?"
"Oh... yeah.. just zoned out there for a second" I assured him "and don't call me Kevvy"
"Sounds like we oughta hurry and get you your medicine." He patted me gently on the cheek, his face again so close to mine
"God, you're cute..." I sighed
"Annnnnd he's back" Connor chuckled
"You are!"
"I'm not cute, you're just horny"
"There's room for both!"
"Get dressed, you animal"
-
-
-
He drove me home in my car, letting me rest the whole way back. We were up very late, the exhaustion was finally starting to set in.
"...Connor? Am I the only one that knows what happened? To your arm those years back..?" I interrupted the silence
"Just you and my parents.. none of my siblings know.. we agreed not to scare them. They were all out on a sleepover except May, but she didn't hear me fall.. we told them what we told everyone else, I fell off my bike... please don't tell anyone. Please, especially not them..."
"I won't.. don't worry. I won't tell anyone.."
"They'd just lost one brother to suicide, we didn't want them to know they almost lost another."
"Are you ever going to tell them?"
"No.. I'm better now. I don't want them to picture me like that. Or worry about me."
"I understand that.."
"Yeah.. and it was a stupid, drunken decision, I wasn't in my right state of mind.."
"That makes sense... I wouldn't want my parents to know. If I'd failed, and I was better, I wouldn't want them worrying all the time.. and I wouldn't want my brother to know either.. if I had that option."
"..would your brother have liked me, do you think?"
"..I couldn't say. He was never a big fan of.. femininity in men. But he uh... he was a good guy. I think he would've kinda accepted you as a person, nevertheless of your femininities.. if he knew you were my boyfriend, that might've been a different story, but.. I don't know... would your brother have liked me?"
"He would've loved you.. you're very similar in some ways, you kind of remind me of him sometimes.. I think he would've loved you. I know he would've.. he'd be so glad that someone finally took one for the team and went out with me" He chuckled
"Yeah?"
"Yeah.. he would've treated you like part of the family. Like another little brother.. he was a real good guy... It's a real shame."
"It is a shame..."
"...anyways," he sniffled and changed the subject as he got teary-eyed "have you thought more about telling your parents? You uh.. mentioned it a while back.."
"Yeah... I don't know what the hell I want to do."
"Well, then don't do anything rash.. take your time and think it through. Make sure it's something you're really ready to do."
"...how long were you.. knowingly in the closet?"
"Since middle school.. I told you, it can take a while. Just don't rush yourself."
"I feel ready.. but not for an.. adverse reaction. I'm ready for a good one. But not a bad one."
"I don't think anyone's ever fully ready for a bad one.."
"That's probably true..."
He said a quick hello to my parents on the way up, bullshitting his way through an explanation of where I was. He was quick on his toes, he told them we were out last night at the school's basketball game, but I started not feeling well and we went back to his house to rest. I fell asleep on the couch before I could call them, and he'd completely forgotten. We'd stayed home today in case I started to feel ill again. And that he was staying with me for company. He's a good thinker, I'll give him that.
He took me upstairs to the house and helped me get all my meds in, as well as something to eat so I didn't feel sick.
"Come lay down with me" I reached my hand out for him
"Just let me lock the door first.. I don't think we really need anyone walking in us, kissing."
"You're right. Just hurry.. my meds make me feel like shit, I don't want to be alone"
"I'll be right there, Kevvy."
"You know I hate that name."
"I know, but it makes me smile.. Baby"
"Stop that" I groaned
"You liked it last night"
"Yeah, cause it was hot then. It made me feel all dumb and useless."
"You are dumb and useless"
"Yeah, I know, but it can be hot if you use it right"
"I was kidding... you know I never would've pegged you for someone that likes that.. you're so obsessed with being right and being in charge."
"Yeah, well, I like to push you around. I like it when the boy I push around pushes back every now and again.."
"Noted." He got into my bed next to me, turning on the tv with the small remote on the nightstand
He flipped through the channels until he landed on a black and white film
"Is this okay?" He asked
"I don't give a shit, I want to make out until the side effects pass.."
"Okay. Just let me see the tv when Montgomery Clift comes on, he's ridiculously hot"
"You're going to stop making out with the man who gave it up for you last night so you can look at Montgomery Clift on the television?"
"...yes."
"You're an idiot"
"...yes."
"Kiss me"
"..yessir" he giggled, rolling to his side to reach me
I could've stayed like that forever. He's good, he's really good. And he's handsome. You can even feel it, his features when you touch him, they're defined, but they're still soft. I love him. I love the way he looks, I love the way he speaks, I love the way he smiles. The way he laughs, the way he treats me like I'm so special to him. The way he hums little songs to himself and how he holds my hand. I love the way he lights up talking about the things he likes, and how he does really bad impressions and makes up those ridiculous tap routines.
All the things that annoyed me about him once, I adore now. They were things I was insecure about within myself. Coming across that way or being perceived that way. But once I got over that insecurity, I learned to love those things about him. He's so cute and the things he does that make me absolutely roll my eyes are cute, too. He's wonderful. He's ridiculous, but he's wonderful.
"Mmn- Kev, I hear your mom" he pulled away from the kiss, running to unlock the door.
I sat myself up and grabbed my phone off the table, and he moved himself to the end of my bed after he'd unlocked the door, trying to look like he was just watching the tv
"Boys! I wanted to check if you were hungry! Did you get enough to eat last night?"
"I'm alright.. Connor?"
"No, I'm not very hungry, thank you." He smiled politely
"Did you boys eat breakfast?"
"I had a banana."
"That's not enough. I'm going to bring you boys food"
"No, Mami, I'm really not-" i tried to interject, but by them she had already left to get me food "okay.." I sighed
"She means well.. it's sweet." Connor assured me
"Yeah, I just.. I just wanted some privacy with you"
"Well we can have our privacy while we eat that delicious food.. I lied, I'm very hungry"
"Why did you say you weren't, then?"
"I can't tell other people's parents I'm hungry. I just can't."
"..Okay, freak."
"I'm starving."
"Well, I assure you, even when you tell her you're not hungry, she brings a four-course meal."
"That's cute.. I really like your mother. And your father, they're both very welcoming - very amiable"
"...I don't know what the fuck that means"
"It means they're friendly."
"They are.. They're very kind people. They're just.. conservative.."
"Maybe one day you'll be able to change their minds.. they're sweet, really they are.. maybe they'll grow"
"Maybe.. I hope so..."
"There's always hope."
My mother returned quickly, several empanadas on a plate, some beef, some bean, and an array of dipping sauces
"Holy smokes.." Connor muttered under his breath
"..thank you, Mami.."
"Eat all of it. You're both very too skinny."
"I'm not sure it's possible to eat this much, but we'll try." I nodded, overlooking the 'very too skinny'
"Good.. Connor, how are you?"
"Oh, I'm wonderful, Mrs. Price, thank you.."
"What have you been doing?"
"Just a lot of schoolwork.. hanging out with this kid" he chuckled
"Do you have a girlfriend yet?"
"...No, ma'am, I don't."
"Why not, you're so cute!"
"Thank you.. uh, I don't know, I just don't have one. I think I get too nervous when I talk to girls."
"Someday, women will appreciate that. You know when to stop talking... Kevvy hasn't got one either, it doesn't make sense, he's so handsome! Isn't he?"
"..Yes, yes he's very handsome.. I think he gets even more nervous around girls than I do.." he chuckled anxiously, rubbing the palm of his hand
"You're both good boys, you'll find someone. High schoolers don't usually want good boys, but they'll love you in the future."
"...thank you, Mami"
"I'm embarrassing him." She raised an eyebrow at Connor
"Yes, you are.." I agreed
"Ok, iré.. eat up."
"Will do, Mrs. Price!" Connor smiled
She closed the door on the way out, and I quickly got up and locked it again
"I'm sorry about her.."
"No, that's fine, I like her.. the girlfriend talk was startling, though.. do you think she knows?"
"No, that's just how she is.. you covered both our asses with elegance, though, you're a talented liar."
"Thank you, I've been lying to myself for years, I've had lots of practice.. these are delicious, holy shit"
"She's a good cook.. it's what she does"
"Can your mom cater my funeral?"
"I'll see what I can do."
Connor stayed with me all day, up until the evening.we just laid there. We watched tv, we talked, we kissed, we kissed a lot. It was a good day.
I didn't think I'd be able to look someone in the eyes after doing that. Or during, for that matter. But I was fine. It was like nothing had happened, nothing had changed. Honestly, we were closer. We were more comfortable. I was more comfortable.
I don't know if I've conveyed this properly before, but being in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I want everyone to know. I want everyone to feel the love I feel. I want everyone to see the man I'm in love with. I'm proud of him. And he's all mine. That smile, that laugh, that figure - that's my boyfriend. That's my lover. I like the word lover, it's gentle. 'Boyfriend' can be a bit of a smack-in-the-face reminder to all that I'm a faggot, but to tell people he's my lover, it serves them the deeper sincerity of it on a plate. It's not just a trivial and immature fling - I love him -
God, I don't even recognize myself, talking like this. A few months ago, this would be the type of person I want to slap in the face. But he does shit to me. He makes me absolutely ecstatic, I'm not the man I was a few months ago. I've changed. He's changed me. Honestly, it's a relief not to be that person anymore. It's a relief to wake up in the morning and not be afraid of myself, not be afraid of who I might be. I've changed. I've changed drastically. But I'm happy. God, I'm so happy.
I've never felt this happiness before. I didn't think it was possible. Maybe I'm blinded by it, maybe I'm in the honeymoon phase, or just plain delirious, but if that's so, I don't want an ounce of rationality. I love him. And I love loving him.
It gets more difficult to keep it inside. You want to just yell it from the tops of buildings, you want to share it with everyone. And the match continues to burn brighter, it eats away the nerves. After a certain point, you have to drop it. And maybe it won't be as bad as you think. Maybe you'll drop the match on the head, the contact will put it out. Maybe it goes out on the way down. Maybe it burns a spot on the floor. Maybe it will ignite, and you'll have to smother the flame. But you can't just keep holding that match forever.
"Kevvy !! La cena está lista!"
"Sólo un momento, I'll be right down!"
"Hurry, before it gets cold!"
I took a deep breath and opened my door. I'm ready. I can do this.
"Oh, don't you look handsome! That's a nice jacket Honey, doesn't he look handsome?"
"Very handsome" my father agreed, not looking up from his paper
"Um... thank you.. Connor's father gave it to me"
"I like that Connor, he's a sweet young man." She handed me my plate
"Yeah, he is sweet..."
"Sit down, what are you standing for?"
"Oh.. sorry" I quickly sat down at the table.
"...Barbara's nephew was at church this Sunday.. he had a little rainbow tie clip."
Oh, god, here we go again
"Oh... good for him.." I picked nervously at my food
"I don't understand it.. he can do what he wants, that's his life. But he shouldn't bring that into a church, that's not the place for it"
"He's happy with who he is, is that such a bad thing?"
"He's old enough to know what the church says. And what God says."
"..what does God say? I mean- isn't there any room for interpretation? And... societally speaking, our understanding of scientific knowledge has advanced. A lot. We know what it is, that it's natural and decided for you before you're even born.. and whether you want to say their genetic makeup made them that way, or that God did, we know that it's not their choice.... I don't think God would punish somebody for something they can't control.. or if you believe God designed them, he wouldn't punish somebody for the way he made them."
"Kevin, I know people your age are.. obsessed with not offending people. But there is a line, there is right and wrong.. Bien y mal.. you don't praise people for sinning. You don't celebrate sin.. The Devil sees it, and he approves. Don't let yourself side with the Devil.. I know you're too young to understand"
"I'm.. not, I understand it all.."
"Then you should understand why we don't celebrate sin"
"What if it's not a sin? What if it's just.. people existing as themselves? It doesn't hurt anyone."
"It hurts God. God sees that, and he weeps. I understand you are surrounded by this with your generation, you can't say anything, Not even the truth, but you know better. You know better than to be defending someone like that."
"...Someone like what?"
"A Maricón."
"Don't say that.."
"Kevvy, you don't have to give them respect. When you sin, you lose respect, they deserve that. There is evil inside of them. There is a demon, and they invited it in... ellos pecaron. Ellos son los pecadores. se hicieron esto a sí mismos y sufrirán por eso "
"No.." I interrupted
"Fueron en contra de dios. tienen que ser castigados por eso, tienen que obtener lo que les espera. es una desviación y no se puede tolerar!"
"Son solo personas! It's not a deviation, they're just people! They didn't ask for it! They can't change it, that's a proven fact! Why does everyone act like it's a disturbance, we know better! Factually, as a society, we know better than that!"
"Kevin, you don't know what you're talking about. These men oppose God. And they flaunt it. They're sinners. Perverted, demented sinners!
"I do know what I'm talking about!"
"You're not old enough to understand, it's a perversion! It's purposeful sexual deviance! We know what God says. They disobeyed him to fill their sick fantasies.. they're predators, Kevvy. You're too naive. They're out to hurt boys like you, they're out to make you one of them! They live in sin, and God will wreak havoc on their souls. They're dangerous, you don't understand it"
I felt like I could just break down there. I've made a terrible mistake and there's no way out of it.
"No, I do understand it!"
"No, you don't"
"Si entiendo! I do understand! I do!"
"No, you-"
"Mom, I'm gay!!" I shouted out quickly, like ripping off a band aid.
Both of them went silent.
"Excuse me?"
"I'm gay!" I shouted again "I'm gay! I'm a fag o-or Maricón or whatever the fuck you want to call it; I'm gay!"
"......Kevin, I think you should go to bed. I think you're overtired, you're not thinking clearly."
"I am thinking clearly! This is the most clearheaded I've been in my entire life!"
"Kevin, if you go to bed now, we are prepared to forget about this."
"I'm not going to bed, I'm trying to talk to you! I'm gay, get it through your head!"
"You're confused. And I think you'd better go to your room and think this through."
"I'm not confused"
"You are not gay"
"I am gay!"
"You are not gay, we didn't raise you to be like that"
"No, you didn't, I was always like this! How you raised me can't change it!"
"..Kevvy, we love you. So we're going to get you help, okay?"
"I don't need help!"
"Kevin, you have a sickness.. Father Whitehall can help you"
"I'm not sick, Mom! I've known this was here my entire life! I spent seventeen years in denial, I don't want to do it anymore, I know who I am!"
"Maybe you should go back to that place."
"..denial? Mami, that was a living hell! I'd wished I was dead! Wouldn't you rather have a son who's happy, and alive, than dead, after forcing myself to be something I'm not! I'm your only son left, don't you just want me to be happy!?"
"You cannot be happy in sin.. and I will not have a son who lives in sin.. Kevin Price, you'd better think long and hard about how you want to live, because I will not have a son who spits in the face of God like this. I will not have a son who says he's gay."
"Well you have one! I'm gay! Can't you understand that!? Your son is gay!"
"...Are you refusing to be helped"
"I don't need help"
"Are you refusing to be helped?" My mother repeated, louder
"...I guess I am."
"...Then I don't have a son"
My heart broke.
"...Mami, no.."
"You know better. You know what this will cost you, not just here.. you can live here, but we will not support you if you choose to live like this. You will be on your own for everything else."
"..I can't afford my medicine on my own."
"That's your decision."
"..I've been doing this for my entire life, I can't keep going like this.. please Mami, I'm still me.. I'm still your Kevvy" my voice cracked
Tears pricked my eyes, forcing me to allow them to fall.
"..You're not my boy. That's not the boy I raised. The boy I raised is welcome here, whoever this is, is not.. he's on his own"
"..You're going to let me die...?"
"This isn't my son.. you need to take some time to think about if this is what you really want to do... I want you to think long and hard about whether or not this is worth it to you.. if you agree to come back to us and get help, we will welcome you with open arms. But we will not welcome this."
"Mama, please.." I whimpered
"Go to bed. You have a lot to think about."
I could hardly keep myself from absolutely breaking down then and there.
The match did not burn out.