Jackson wasn't allowed to join the dance practices or the studio rehearsals yet. Since he had been discharged from the hospital, the company gave him three weeks off, followings his doctors instructions. His parents went back to Hong Kong, but promised J.Y.P.E that if something happened to their son again, they would be facing a lawsuit. The 6 members of the group knew that if Jackson was left alone in an apartment he wouldn't allow himself to rest, since he was practically a workaholic, so, it was decided that he should stay at a member's apartment for the time being. Surprisingly, Jinyoung and JB were the first to volunteer to take him in. The younger members complained, Mark pretended he had nothing to do with it and Youngjae just thought it would be sensible to keep their distance from now on. Rock, paper, scissors wasn't ideal, so the final decision was made by the Chinese. They turned to him and let him pick which apartment he would feel more comfortable to stay. And he picked Jinyoung's, Got7's Mom.
Mark froze on the spot when he saw the singer put his arm around Jackson victoriously, replying the famous slogan of the JackJin ship, 'Wang Gae, Park Gae.' The Chinese's yell of excitement almost shattered his eardrums. The American didn't think it was wise of his boyfriend to do that. Even if the rapper seemed to understand that he was with Jinyoung now, Mark still thought it was odd of him to act so indifferent. It was definitely not a good idea to let his current boyfriend spend time alone with his ex, so, he himself decided to spend more time at the singer's apartment, just to make sure everything was in order. He wondered what was going through Jackson's mind and he couldn't help but suspect of a possible hidden agenda.
It was a rainy afternoon when Mark decided to stop by his boyfriend's home. He didn't need to warn Jinyoung he was coming. They had already exchanged copies of each other's apartment keys and the American knew he was welcomed there anytime. He still remembered how his heart did a double somersault when the singer put they key on his hand and informed him, 'what's mine is yours'. Their relationship evolved that fast and he wasn't about to complain about it. Years were wasted before, now they wouldn't miss a chance to express their love for each other.
Without ceremony, he opened the door of Jinyoung's apartment and was met with an unexpected view. Jinyoung and Jackson's faces were too close as both leaned in for a kiss.
"What the hell is going on here?!" Mark shouted, unable to keep himself in check. The other two immediately stepped away from each other startled with his presence.
"Fuck this shit, Mark! We were about to get this scene right!" Jackson complained annoyed as he went to lie down on the sofa and turned on the TV. Jinyoung's eyes formed an adorable crescent-moon shape as he smiled at his hyung's childish behavior. That made the American even more irritated.
"Aren't you going to answer me?" he eyed Jinyoung with impatience. The singer chuckled, but soon he regretted it as he noticed how his lover seemed to be royally pissed. Mark threw his key on the floor and crossed his arms around himself, waiting for an explanation. That gesture was incredibly savage and the singer somehow, enjoyed the view. A mad Mark was an alluring Mark.
"Hey, babe, as much as I love to see you all heated like that, I'll have to ask you to please take a deep breath and listen to me." Jinyoung said quite collected. Jackson giggled, shaking his head as he watched the drama develop.
"That's the LA gangster for you, he's even hotter when he's angry. Damn, I miss that." The Chinese commented as Jinyoung frowned at him reprovingly.
"Is this some kind of joke to you? That's why you practically moved in with him?! So you could get your hands on him?" Mark walked menacingly towards the couch Jackson was sitting, but Jinyoung was faster and held his arm.
"He was helping me rehearse for a kiss scene on He is Psychometric. That's all, I swear. We were doing nothing wrong. I kept getting shy at the studio, so Sseunnah offered to give me a hand with it. Please, don't misunderstand the whole thing. I love you and that will never change!" the edge on Jin's voice almost melted Mark's heart. It didn't take long for him to remember who he was dating. He wasn't with Jackson anymore and Jinyoung wasn't the cheating type. He suddenly felt bad for throwing a hissy fit over nothing. So he picked up his key from the floor and threw his arms around his boyfriend.
"I love you too, I'm sorry!" Mark said softly as he kissed Jinyoung's ears. His dongsaeng blushed as he felt the hot breath of his lover on his neck.
"Boring!" the Chinese complained as he returned his focus to the TV.
"There's nothing to be sorry about. Wait, in fact there is, I'm about to leave for the filming set. Will you be here when I come back?" Jinyoung asked hopefully. Mark then eyed a distracted Jackson and the TV. He wondered how long that cooking show would keep him entertained. He wasn't in the mood for interaction. It would be the first time they'd be left alone after the talk they had at the hospital. The American hid his lingering fear of the situation, and nodded awkwardly at his partner. An oblivious Jinyoung smiled contently at him, said his good byes to his Chinese huyng and before he walked out the door, he kissed Mark, mouthing an inaudible 'see you later' to the older.
As soon as the singer was out, Mark heard the sound of the TV die down. And Jackson was right behind him. His heart skipped a beat when he faced the other. He tried to play it cool, but the Chinese read him as an open book.
"You don't have to be afraid of me, you know."
"I'm not." He lied as he walked past the rapper and went into the kitchen.
"Did you really think a JackJin action was going on? You know, a good and healthy relationship is all about trust." The Chinese reminded him as he leaned on the kitchen counter.
"And you know all about trust, don't you?" Mark remarked, as he put himself a glass of water without looking at the other.
"That's why we didn't work out. I didn't trust you enough and you trusted me too much. Things were quite unbalanced. What I am saying is that you had a pretty bad experience with me and it obviously marked you forever! Your ability to trust people is ruined. But you need to realize that you shouldn't have to worry about Jinyoung, he's not me, he'll never be." Jackson tried to sound reasonable, but his words had a different effect. Mark took a sip of his water and put the glass down on the sink with such strength that it almost shattered to pieces.
"Look at you Jackson Freakin' Wang, Got7's love advisor! Who the fuck do you think you are to talk to me like that! Don't you think I know you two are completely different? I trust him all right, I just don't trust him with you! You shouldn't even be here in the first place. Don't you dare to patronize me, you son of a bitch! You don't get to tell me how I should feel anymore!" the American himself didn't even know where that anger was coming from. He had promised himself to put the past behind him, but his emotions suddenly took the best of him as his hands trembled and his heart beat like a hammer. Maybe he was having a panic attack? He didn't know. He wanted to cry and break things at the same time. He wanted to stop hurting, he wanted to disappear. His eyes scared the Chinese, his hyung wasn't simply mad, he looked unhinged.
"Mark, please, calm down. I didn't mean it like that, seriously." Jackson worriedly walked to him, as the American looked like he was about to hyperventilate. When the older felt the the rapper's hand on his shoulder he pushed him away violently, went to the sink broke the glass in half and threateningly pointed its sharp side to his ex. The Chinese was even more taken aback.
"If you come any closer, I swear I'll stick you with this! I'll cut your throat open and finish what letter2u didn't! You should've died from that poison and so should I, if you had just let that car ran over me. We are supposed to be dead. Look at us, we are dead! Now, get out!" he screamed frantically, making exaggerated gestures with the piece of glass in his hand. Instead of cowering or running, Jackson took a step forward again more carefully. He was not leaving Mark alone in that state.
"Yien, listen to me. That's not necessary, put that down, baby. I don't want you to hurt yourself."
"How?! Like this?!" Mark cried as he brought the glass to his forearm and started making repeated cuts on it. Jackson immediately jumped on him exasperated, wrapping his arms around him from behind. The Chinese used his bare hands to take the glass away from the American, who fought energically, punching his chest. The rapper embraced him firmly just to keep his ex from reaching for the glass again. Jinyoung's kitchen was a bloody mess at that point. Jackson could feel Mark's blood wet his shirt, as he held the American to him, but he didn't care. The younger only loosed his hold on him when he felt the other relax in his arms. A sad symphony filled the air as soft sobs reached his ears.
"Don't cry, please. I'm sorry, honey, what has gotten into you? Please don't ever do that again." Jacks own eyes brimmed with tears. He had never seen Mark in that state and he hated to be the cause of it. He was so terrified of what had just developed before his eyes that he wasn't sure if it was real.
"Why did you do it to me, I loved you so much, for so long! I've never given you a reason, ever. Why did you have to hurt me like that, why, why Jack?" Mark repeated so many 'whys' that the Chinese lost count of it. And each time he heard it he felt his soul fracture. The American sounded so disconsolate and worn down, that it finally brought the younger back to reality. Those cuts needed to be looked at. They weren't deep, most of them scratches, but they still bled.
"Come with me, I know where Jin keeps his first aid kit. Let me bandage you up." Jackson quietly led him by the arm to the bathroom, and after asking him to sit down on the toilet lid, he started treating his wounds.
"Please don't tell him." Mark pleaded with a small voice and looked up at Jackson miserably.
"Any ideas of how you will explain these bandages to him?"
"I'll manage. Most of the time I wear long-sleeved shirts, anyway. He won't even notice." He answered simply.
"How about when you two are naked in bed?" Jackson inquired bluntly, as he raised his eyebrow over the American's answer. The older blushed furiously.
"You let me worry about that, okay?"
"We're telling Jinyoung, Mark." Jackson said firmly as he wondered how his dongsaeng would react. Jinyoung needed to be aware of the American's emotional state. He was his boyfriend now and he had to look over him.
"I'll do anything. Just don't tell him. Look, I can make worth your while." Mark insisted as he abruptly palmed the front of Jackson's pants. The bold gesture startled the Chinsese, who, dropped the first aid-kit from the sink, tearing Mark's unbandaged limb away from him.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked disconcerted.
"I can suck you off, if you keep quiet about it." Mark offered tiredly as the other gaped at him.
"Are you crazy! What makes you think I want that?" Jackson was really bothered by his behavior.
"You always wanted it before. But, perhaps, now you just want to bend me over this sink and ram your dick inside me, till I bleed." Mark sounded bitter, and distant.
"You're scaring the shit out of me, man. Stop saying these things, you're not like that!" The Chinese had finally finished bandaging his wounds. So, he kneeled before the American and tried to read his faraway expression. He honestly didn't know what to do with him. But it was clear Mark needed help.
"That's right, you always loved the meek, inoffensive, defenseless Mark better. Love me, Kayee." Mark changed his demeanor, and speaking quite gently, he slowly leaned in and gave the rapper a brief kiss just to see how he would react. Jackson continued immobile and didn't stop him. So, he took that as a cue to close the distance between them again and give him another kiss, this time deeper, and Jackson couldn't help but allow his tongue to invade his mouth. He couldn't believe what was happening, he never imagined his ex would come on to him like that. He surely missed the other's lips on him, he wished he could enjoy that longer, yet he couldn't. He pushed Mark away gently, shaking his head at him.
"Who's the frigid one, now?" the American commented as he got up and rubbed his hand against his mouth. He acted like Jackson had left a bad taste on his lips. The Chinese got up too, determined to beat some sense into his ex.
"Mark, you're traumatized, you need a psychologist. You should've never stopped seeing that doctor. You gotta face that what happened in that kitchen or right here in this bathroom is not normal. That's not you!" Jackson tried his best to convince him of the staggering truth. Mark didn't face him, but examined his face though the cabinet mirror.
"Anyone who gets raped by his frigging boyfriend ought to act differently!" the American retorted acidly. The Chinese sighed in frustration and shame. It was sad, but true.
"Yeah, that's why we're gonna seek professional help. Both of us, all right?! We do need to manage our anger. We're not mentally stable. I crossed a line when I did that to you and now you're self-harming! "
"I don't like doctors. And I certainly shouldn't be on meds again. I can't function with them." Mark didn't think anyone could help him achieve his peace of mind, but he really wanted to stop hurting at that point.
"I have some contacts, we'll find someone who is totally against medication. We'll keep this quiet, no one has to know that we're getting you help. I even promise you not to tell anything about what happened today to Jinyoung. But you have to stick to the plan. You've gotta attend the sessions." The Chinese knew that Jinyoung's was the key to get Mark to agree to it.
"Okay. But if you betray me this time, if you tell a single soul, we're done for good. I mean it, I'll fucking ruin your life, I'll fucking implode Got7 and I'll fucking kill myself." Mark's words sounded extreme and his tone was cold. He had to inflict fear on the rapper to make him honor that agreement. Jinyoung couldn't learn about this second emotional breakdown. If he did, everyone would know about the first one, and they would have him committed. Or worse, his parents would ship him to the U.S. permanently.
"You just named the two things that could instantly destroy me. Say no more. We have a deal. I'll set the time and day. You just have to be there. We both know what happens if you don't." Jackson was aware that he was dicing with death, but he wouldn't back down. He was going to get his ex fixed, and at the same time, benefit from some counseling too. But now he needed Mark to sleep. The kitchen had to be cleaned and the bathroom had to be spotless as always, before the owner of the apartment arrived. He wasn't about to leave Mark alone and do those shores. He didn't dare to bring him to the kitchen either. The bizarre images from earlier were still too fresh in his mind. So he decided to put him to bed in a way or another. That was the only way he could do what needed to be done without having to keep an eye on him at the same time.
"We need to clean everything before he returns. He can arrive at any moment." Mark whispered nervously as he ran a hand through his silky hair. He seemed to have read the other's mind. The Chinese chuckled at that. He quickly took a joint from his pocket, lit it up and offered it to Mark.
"Are you raving mad?! Smoking marijuana in Jinyoungie's toilet is practically a sin. Besides, you've recently had a throat problem." Mark looked scandalized, but a tiny bit amused. He knew that side of Jackson too well. He had always been wild, carefree and a rule breaker. Mark used to find that quite enticing. Nevertheless, they were in a different era now.
"It's not for me, it's for you. I'll take care of everything in this apartment, but you need to be yourself again when he arrives. And I cannot do that by myself. It will make you relax, don't worry, it's inoffensive." Jack suggested and Mark nodded eagerly, he really needed to take the edge off the unwavering pain he was feeling. He could use something to relieve the intensity of that moment with the Chinese.
Three hours passed and Jackson couldn't bring himself to disentangle himself from Mark. They were both lying on Jinyoung's bed. Mark had finally passed out from the cannabis and Jack just wanted to make sure he was really sleeping. He just laid beside him, pondering his next move as he watched the other breathe peacefully. He totally forgot about time. He couldn't help but run his hands through the American's hair, touch his closed eyes, the tip of his nose, his kissable lips, chin and cheeks. The rapper was mesmerized as he contemplated the amount of beauty before him. How he missed those kind of moments, when they just shared each other's company, without saying hurtful words or engaging in some sort of make-up sex. Breathing the same air used to be enough when their relationship started. He wondered when exactly things radically changed between them. Yet, whatever it was, he knew he was the one to blame. Things started going wrong even before Jinyoung's kiss, or Macao, though that was the last straw. He knew he would do anything for him, and if that wasn't love, someone was yet to coin a word for that kind of feeling.
The magical moment was interrupted when a terrified singer showed up at the room and quietly signaled the rapper to follow him out. The Chinese obeyed, yet he noticed how Jinyoung came back to the room and approached the American twice as if to check he was still breathing. The singer looked relieved, but still dragged the other out of the bedroom with him. Jackson had made up his mind. As soon as they closed the door, leaving Mark undisturbed, he knew he couldn't do that alone.
"What the hell happened in that kitchen? I leave you two alone for a couple of hours and you try to murder each other?!" Whose blood is that? Is Mark even alive in that room? Do I need to call the cops on you?" He sounded desperate, and furious at the same time. He eyed Jackson's shirt stained with blood and he almost fainted.
"Mark is self-harming. He cut himself with a piece of glass right in front of me. He needs help and he promised me to do something about it if I kept this between us." It just rolled out of his mouth. He could not bring himself to lie to Jinyoung. If he wanted Mark to heal, he just couldn't keep that from him.
The other sat on the sofa heavily, covering his face with both his hands. A wave of guilty washed over him. He knew he should've committed his member in the first place, months ago, when he took those pills. As a matter of fact, Jackson was a trigger last time, he had left for Hong Kong while Mark was still dealing with the red car incident. Now he's here in his apartment, and it happens again.
"What did you do? You must have done something!" Jinyoung spat, as he still had his hands over his face. He tried to control his voice in order to avoid waking Mark up.
"I have done and have said a lot of things to him throughout these years, but not today. He just snapped." Jackson didn't want to get into details about their talk in the kitchen.
"Let me talk to him." Jinyoung finally got up with tears in his eyes. But Jackson held him back.
"He threatened me, Jin. His words were as sharp as that glass he used to cut his skin. He promised that if anyone finds out, he's gone, he'll off himself. You cannot let him know I revealed this to you. He's terrified of the possibility. I guess he thinks you would be disappointed on him or something. I just told you the truth so you could be my ally. I'm sure that we, as a team, can bring the Mark we know back. I'm willing to take him myself to the sessions. He doesn't' have a choice." The Chinese explained, but Jinyoung didn't want to listen.
"Why should you be the one doing that?! I'm his boyfriend, not you! I won't let you take him anywhere. You'll probably make things worse!" Jinyoung kicked the center table as he felt impotent and anguished. He understood Mark's unwillingness to ask him for help, he figured the other would feel ashamed to tell him he tried again, not long after assuring the younger that he wouldn't regret trusting him. Jackson's idea was smart and he even wondered why he didn't think of blackmailing Mark like that before. He could've done the same his hyung was doing now. But that was usually Jackson's method. He always got what he wanted, in a way or another. If he intended to bring the old Mark back, he would do it, no matter the cost. Perhaps, Mark would even thank him after that. And for all he knew, they could even get back together. When that idea crossed Jinyoung's mind, his heart almost stopped beating.
"You don't have a choice. Those are the terms. And if you really care about him, you'll keep your damn mouth shut and help me clean your kitchen before he wakes up." Jackson said impatiently as if he were disciplining a child.
"And what happens next? You cure him and then take him away from me? That's your plan?" the singer asked miserably, as the other finally understood why he was rejecting his idea so much. They eyed each other with uncertainty. Jinyoung could only think that Jackson would get to be the hero a second time while he still remained powerless.
"I have no ulterior motive for trying to help him. There's no chance of reconciliation between us. I assure you of that. Now stop staring at me this way and find me some cleaning utensils. Remember, this can only work if you play your role well." Jackson stated as he went to the kitchen. Jinyoung followed him, still not focused on cleaning. There was so much he didn't know about those two, but he wanted to understand what drove Mark away from the Chinese so abruptly. The singer wished he was close to Jackson as he used to be. He remembered then, of a time when the rapper would complain to the younger about all the ways Mark was making his life a living hell and a haven on earth at the same time. In the past, Jinyoung learned a lot about the shy and quiet American through his Chinese friend. But those days were long gone. He was with Mark now and he needed to be there for him no matter what.
"I know you must resent me. I never thought you'd look me in the face, let alone stay here in my apartment while I'm dating him. Yet, you chose to stay, and I don't know why. You never reproached me when I started to go out with him. Even though I've waited for you to throw in my face those last lines of my fucking monologue, 'I shall never come between you two again'. For fucks' sake, it's been more than a month, and you didn't even try to confront me! I know you're madly in love with the guy, okay, and you must think I'm a backstabber for being with him now. So, if you have something to say, go ahead. But please, don't leave me in the dark, man." The singer was confused and somehow, he sensed that some terrible secret was kept hidden by his 2 foreign members.
"That's what bothers you? That I actually think you might be good for him? Look, it's not like you made it happen! It just did. He doesn't love me anymore and he wants you by his side. I guess I don't have a say in that. A near death experience change your perspective on life, kid. I thought I was going to die from that poison and I remember that the last thing I asked God was to keep him safe. When I woke up in that hospital bed and thought I would never be able to speak a word again, I prayed he would at least remember all my 'I love yous'. However, when, he entered my room wearing your clothes, I just knew, I'd be happy with whoever he decided to be. I accepted you instantaneously. I'm not the same irrational and impulsive Wang Gae from before." Jackson wanted to tell him about letter2u, and how the American chose him the dongsaeng over him. He wanted to confess what he did to the older during the Jus2 FanMeeting in Macao. But he had to honor his promise to his ex-lover.
"That means you don't hate me?" Jinyoung asked quietly as he frowned at him.
"I wouldn't be practicing that cheesy kiss scene with you for the millionth time if I did." He smirked at the Korean. The other blushed, and smiled a little.
The singer wanted to thank him, he had been avoiding that subject and he had been scared to death to bring it up. He was satisfied to hear what the Chinese had to say, he admired his firmness and was relieved to see how coolly he was handling that whole Markjin situation. He convinced himself that the rapper didn't have to know about Mark's first suicide attempt at that point, as long as his boyfriend got the help he needed now, there would be no other attempts in the future.
It was quiet when Mark woke up. The night sky filled his surroundings with darkness. Only the moonlight and the streetlights outside the window allowed him to recognize where he was. The soft pillow under his head brought him a comfort he didn't feel very often. He soon realized he was in Jinyoung's bed, he could smell his scent, feel his soft duvet against his body, he could even picture him there beside him.
"Dreaming about me?" The singer asked as he sat on a chair beside his bed. Mark quickly turned to him, suddenly startled as he sat on the bed. His eyes brightened.
"You're back!" the American gave his boyfriend a fondly smile as he went to wrap his arms around him. Jinyoung wasn't too receptive. His first instinct was to force his hyung to confess the events of that night. He wanted Mark to trust him completely, there should be no secrets between them. Anguished, he just held both Mark's arms firmly, trying to get a reaction from him. His lover tried to endure the pain, while Jinyoung pressed down the wounds underneath the black long sleeved the American borrowed from Jackson. Mark bit his lips as his smile slowly faded. The other pretended not to see that.
"I'm glad you waited. How was your day? Anything you'd like to tell me? Where's Jackson by the way?" Jinyoung played his role formidably, but Mark was not as skillful as him. Unable to endure the pain of Jinyoung's strong hands on his freshly wounded forearm, he took his limbs away from his lover quickly, before it started bleeding again. The singer could notice his uncomfortableness and hated to see the struggle in his eyes. Jinyoung thought of the rapper's words again, and what could happen if he did not stick to the plan. The fright he felt refrained him from confronting his boyfriend.
"I don't know, maybe he's out. The day was uneventful. I slept most of the time." He lied through his teeth. Jinyoung sighed, as he smiled cutely at him. But on the inside, all the time he felt like shouting at his boyfriend. He felt like he didn't deserve his dishonesty. Not him. He wondered if he could go on like that for too long.
"Good, now we have the whole place to ourselves. And we don't have to worry about making much noise." Jinyoung said suggestively as he jumped on bed beside him. He knew Jackson was out because he himself asked the Chinese to give him and Mark some privacy.
"Actually, I was thinking of going back home tonight. Tomorrow we have to finish off some details of the the album tracklist. Lots of work to be done." Mark lied again, determined to find an excuse not to have sex with his boyfriend that night. He couldn't allow his dongsaeng to see his bandaged cuts. He regretted what he did in the kitchen in front of Jackson, but it was too late, nothing could be done about that anymore. He felt bad for hiding things from the singer, but he wanted to spare Jinyoung the suffering of having to listen to the details of that ugly afternoon.
"All right then! We don't have to exert ourselves. I just wanted to sleep beside you tonight, we can even keep our clothes on, I promise you." Jinyoung soothingly informed the older, who immediately nodded at his request and laid beside him. The Korean kissed his forehead, smelled his hair, and laid his head on another pillow. Mark was happy with the gesture and gave him a brief peck on his lips, bringing their bodies closer. They stared at each other for hours as tiredness rendered them sound asleep. Before closing his eyes again, Mark wondered how lucky he was to have his JYP dose even while he slept. He thought of rejecting the therapy sessions, but he had to stop those panic attacks, for the sake of Jinyoung. It was about time to let healing begin. The singer didn't deserve a suicidal lover, he deserved the world, and the American dreamed of ways to make him happy.
As for Jinyoung, he just wished he could spend more nights in the presence of his boyfriend, and he wanted Mark to want that too. He wondered how many more nights they would have the chance to share in the future. It saddened him to think that maybe there wouldn't be too many. Would Mark give it all up and disappear from his sight? He wondered if his love wasn't enough to feed the American's will to live and if it wasn't, he hoped Jackson could save him again.