Habang pauwi na sa Cebu ay iyon lamang ang nasa isip ko, ang pagtatalo namin ni Yllana. I couldn't say her own version of the truth didn't hurt me a bit, nor bothered me the least. But the hardest pill to swallow was the fact that she chose her truths on my expense.
Sa lahat ng mga nangyari ay hindi ko kayang magalit sa kaniya dahil kapatid ko siya at naniniwala akong naging bulag din siya sa mga nangyari. Kung maaari ay gusto kong ayusin ang lahat hindi lang sa aming dalawa pero sa mga pamilya na rin namin.
What happened earlier was beyond me. I never thought she could think so ill of me that I'd result to be what she accuses me of. Dahil hindi ko iyon nagawa sa kaniya, hindi ibig sabihin ay hindi niya rin gagawin sa akin.
Yllana held my childhood trauma against me. My loneliness as a child, all my pain and suffering, and even my depressing teenage years of running away from home. She believed so strongly that those were my reasons and, that it caused her family to rupture and her only love to slip away from her. I, her blood, the product of sin, was the root of all evil.
And what would you do if this creature still roams on the surface of the Earth?
Ang paniwalain ito sa kaniyang mga pagkatalo at pagkasira sa buhay, at hindi na ito makakatakbo pa sa problemang bata pa lamang ay tinatakbuhan na. She even scheduled a fucking therapy.
All my life I looked up to her. She helped me through so many times that all I wanted to give her was my respect as a sister, and as a woman.
Naaawa lamang ba siya sa akin noon kaya niya ako tinutulungan at kinakampihan? Or did she share her toys and dresses to me out of boredom? Awa at kahinaan ko na lamang ba?
Did she ever even thought of me as her sister, a human being that also feels and loves, and not just some sad story she can share to someone?
Buong araw akong nasasaktan dahil sa nangyari.
Pagkauwi sa bahay ay kakaibang pagod ang naramdaman ko. I could feel my eyelids drooping as I made my way towards the kitchen. Sinundan ako kaagad ni Nanang Thelma.
"Oh, Chrissy, ginabi ka! Nakauwi ka na pala. Nagkita na ba kayo ng Papa mo?" tanong niya habang umiinom akong tubig.
"Kadarating ko lang po, 'nang. Aakyat na po ako."
"O siya, sige. Ipapaakyat ko na lang ang hapunan mo. May gusto ka bang ipaluto?" She was out of earshot by the time I could even think of a response.
Tinungo ko muna ang kwarto ni Papa. Dahan-dahan ako sa pagbukas ng pinto dahil baka nagpapahinga na ito. Ginabi rin kasi ako ng uwi dahil hapon na noong nakaalis. Mamaya ko na lang tatanungin ang mga kasambahay kung nakainom na ba siyang gamot.
I slowly opened the wooden door just to see my father sleeping peacefully on his side of the bed. Patay na ang mga ilaw ngunit sapat na ang liwanag na nagmumula sa labas galing sa mga nagpapatrolya. Marahan ang paghinga, at bahagyang nakaawang ang bibig. He looked so calm as if the world itself lives in tranquility.
Papa, if your heartbreak still haunts me up to this day after years and years, how did you endure during that time?
Kung ako na anak mo ay sobra na ang hinagpis ngayon, paano ka pa noong mga oras na ang taong inaakalang mong kasangga mo sa lahat ay mas gusto nang ulit bumuo ng pamilya kasama ang iba?
I heard how you fought for me to live eventually even if you both did not want me at first. You were the one who pursued with the pregnancy while I fought too in the womb of my mother. That was my first fight, but technically, our first fight together. Amongst our fights against each other that followed soon.
I wish I could just rest. This world was too cruel to you and to me. And I am so terribly tired of everything.
Pagod na akong ipaglaban kung ano ang gusto ko dahil hindi ba? Kapag ang sa atin ay sa atin talaga, hindi na dapat natin ipaglalaban pa? Things will fall into our hands naturally without trying. And what must be ours will be ours without having to hurt someone. In the honor of our Father, what is for us will be given in peace and in sincerity.
I only wish to be in peace and in sincerity.
Sinarado ko na ang kwarto at tumungo na sa akin. Sa kapaguran ay nakatulog na ako kaagad at hindi nakakain.
The heartaches of yesterday woke me up this morning. Matagal ko nanamang alam na kahit itulog ang sakit ay hindi mawawala kinabukasan pero umaasa pa rin ako. I did my morning routines lazily and only climbed down when I felt hungry.
"Good morning, ma'am! Ma'am, alas dose na po," masiglang salubong ni Tigris.
Para bang hindi ko alam iyon at tuwang-tuwa pa siyang sabihin.
"Nakaluto na po ng tanghalian pero iintayin ka raw munang magising sabi ni Gov. Hindi na niya kayo pinagising kanina kasi late na raw kayong dumating kagabi."
Tumango-tango ako sa kaniya, kunwaring nakikinig, habang gumagala sa kitchen. Nagugutom na ako at mas lalo lang lumala dahil sa naamoy na ginisa.
"Nanang Thelma, gising na po si Ma'am Chrissy! Nanang!"
Halos tirisin ko si Tigris na namimilipit ang boses. Hindi maganda ang gising ko tapos ay nagugutom pa ako. Gusto ko sanang kumain na para makapag-relax na sa aking hammock.
"Gising ka na pala, Chrissy. Nasa garden ang Papa mo. Kausap iyong bisita mo," ngisi nang dumating na Nanang Thelma.
"Ako po? Bisita?"
"Opo! Ang gwapo, ma'am!" Halos magtitili nanaman si Tigris.
Napaawang ang aking bibig. Kaya naman pala kanina pa aligaga itong isang na 'to dahil may bisita. Akala mo naman ngayon lang nakakita ng tao.
"Oo, Chrissy. Naroon sila sa hardin. Kanina ka pa nila iniintay na magising," si Nanang Thelma.
Kanina pa naman ako gising. Ayaw ko lang bumangon. Napabuntong hininga na lamang ako at tumungong garden.
Palapit pa lang ay narinig ko na silang nag-uusap. Nakapalibot ang iilang body guards sa hardin at bahagyang inanunsyo ang aking pagdating. I thought it was Sean since he visited regularly when I'm home but it shocked me a bit when I saw Ram.
He was talking to my father casually like it was their of his golf matches. He looked pretty in our garden with his casual clothes, and that dangling Ray Bans on his collar.
"Good morning..." I greeted quietly, suspiciously eyeing Ram.
Ang mga matang nagmula sa seryosong pakikipag-usap ay unti-unting naging marahan, sabay ngiti sa akin.
"Hija, how was your sleep? Late ka na raw dumating kagabi," si Papa.
Nang uupo na ako sa tabi ni Ram ay pinandilatan niya ako kaagad. Napakamot na lang ako sa ulo nang umikot akong muli at tumabi naman sa kaniya. Muling bumalik ang kaniyang ngiti. I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah. Hinapon na kasi ako nakaalis. I...had to do something." Hindi ko halos matingnan si Ram.
"That's fine. Kaya hindi na rin kita pinagising dahil baka pagod ka."
Halos habulin ni Ram ang aking mga tingin.
"Thanks. Uminom na ba kayong mga gamot niyo?"
"Yes, hija. Well, naisip kong mag-stay na rin muna sa bahay. I was looking forward to having breakfast with you but I had breakfast with this one over here." Tinapik ni Papa ang balikat ni Ram.
Napanguso ako. I suddenly remembered the first time Ram and my father shared a meal together. It was very awkward. I thought Papa would walk out but he didn't. Hindi naman sumuko si Ram sa mga sumunod pa, at lahat yata ng interesanteng bagay para sa isang senior na ay alam niya.
"Uhhh. Okay. Magpapahanda lang po akong lunch dahil gutom na ako." Tumayo ako.
Nagkatinginan kami ni Ram pero pumihit kaagad ako paalis. I could feel my whole back burning because of his stares.
Kumain kami ng tanghalian dito sa garden. Mainam na rin at presko para masarap na sinigang. I kinda missed having these lunches with my father, plus Ram was here so I was kinda feeling better.
Nang matapos ang tanghalian ay nagpaalam na muna si Papa na may gagawin sa study niya. Naiwan kami ni Ram. Ang plano ko tuloy na mag-relax sa hammock ay kasama siya. Of course, he sat on chair a few meters from me now that almost all our bodyguards kept on wandering around.
Hindi naman iyon ganoon kadalas, ah. Ngayon lang. Napairap ako sa hangin. Si Papa talaga.
"You weren't answering my texts and calls last night. I was told you boarded the plane in the afternoon." He said after a while.
I readjusted his Ray Bans on my eyes. before sighing.
"What else did your bodyguards tell you? A bunch of snitch..." I muttered.
Hindi ko lang talaga nasagot dahil magulo ang isip ko. Medyo na-guilty ako ngayon. Dapat ay sumagot man lang ako or sinabi kong nakauwi na ako. Kung siya itong hindi nakapagsabi ay baka nagkagulo na.
"Ang sabi mo sa Papa mo kanina ay natagalan ka dahil may ginawa ka. And what did you do?"
Halos umirap ulit ako. Pakiramdam ko ay makikita niya iyon kahit na nakashades ako. Nanghuhuli lang iyan kaya ganyan magtanong. Waiting for me to slip!
"I don't need to tell you cuz they already did anyway. Why are you here?" I hated how my tone sounded too angry.
Ano ba ang ikinagagalit ko?
Ram sighed a few times and remained quiet. Matapos ang ilang saglit na pinalipas niya ang galit ko ay 'saka siya muling nagsalita.
"You were not replying to any of my texts and not answering my calls. Its already then midnight. Still no answer. I got worried. Am I not allowed to get worried?"
"No. But, you'll fly from there to here just because you're worried?"
"Paano kung ako naman ang hindi nag-rereply at sumasagot. Inaway mo na ako at baka nag-iiyak ka pa."
He sounded as if he was the one who did it better. Tinanggal ko ang shades at naupo para tingnan siya na para bang nahihibang na siya. He raised a brow at me in a challenge. Our staring down contest lasted a minute or so but I was the one who gave up first.
"Fine..." mahinang-mahina kong saad, nakabaling sa iba.
"Baby, say it louder..." He softly called.
"Fine," I repeated but only a bit louder.
"Again, please?" He called again but softer.
"Fine." Maayos kong sabi.
Satisfaction was written in his eyes. He reached for my hand and gave it a little squeeze then let it go. Muli akong nahiga para matingnan ang langit.
This was becoming a habit of ours recently. It was always not so successful like this one. Kung sino ang dapat na maamin sa sarili niyang mali iyon, at mag-apologize. He did mostly the adulting stuff like making sure the argument won't last that long, and my apologies mostly came out rude or silent. Like 'fine', or 'okay'. I guess, he's okay with the progress we're making.
"Now...back to it then. What did you do yesterday?"
Matagal akong nanahimik, nakatingin lang sa langit kahit masakit. Nang tuluyang masaktan ay pumikit na lamang ako.
"Nagkita kami ni Yllana." I started in a little voice. It was another long silence before I continued. "We went to a resto downtown and ordered. We just talked and we didn't even eat a damn thing."
I figured Ram was just waiting for me to continue and so I did. No more secrets and no more planning alone. Its us now.
"We said many things...to each other. Hurtful things. And...I got hurt. She did too, of course." I breathed out as I remembered all those things. "That's it."
Ram let me be for a few minutes before holding my hand again. I felt his lips there before he let it go again.
"Thank you for being honest with me. I'll be honest with you, too. I got scared after they told me you went with her just before your flight. I couldn't trust myself with that thought so I went here." His voice went deeper as he chuckled humorlessly. "Akala ko iiwan mo nanaman ako..."
I smiled the pain away as I showed him my hand where his ring sat. "We're already engaged."
"Pwede pa rin." His eyes wrinkled a bit when he tried to smile.
The pain came back again. I left him too many times in this lifetime that he couldn't even trust himself. That falls on me alone.
My little smiles turned into giggles for no reason. I heard him chuckle a bit too as if we're making fun of his dilemma. It got quiet for a while. Iyong mga pagaspas na lang ng dahon at huni ng ibon ang naririnig.
"I promise to stay by your side," sabi ko. He looked at me with so much intensity. "That even when we're halfway across the world, I will still be by your side."
"And what do you mean by that?"
"It means, I love you, at all times. Even when you are in another country, or feels like it because we just had a misunderstanding. It means I will still love you even if we stopped choosing each other and make mistakes." Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.
I will say this, and if I get to say this in another chance, I will.
Sobrang sarap magdeklara ng isang wagas na pagmamahal sa taong alam mong wagas din ang pagmamahal sa'yo. Its the greatest fucking feeling in the world.
"I already made a mistake and you chose to love me still..."
"Yes." I smiled sadly. "Huwag mo na lang uulitin, parang awa mo na. Huwag mo akong pagurin na magmahal dahil pagod na pagod na akong masaktan."
Only the love remains and if that fades too, then I don't know what will ever become of me.
Naalala ko noon, ilang araw bago kami tuluyang magkaayos ni Ram. Ilang beses niyang sinabi sa akin ang buong katotohanan. How his supposed marriage to my sister, Yllana Alejandre, got postponed and eventually cancelled. They did get engaged but it was before they even met.
The Alejandre Industries indeed got back in shape after Ram assumed chief executive. He bought it percent by percent and now the company name was in the dirt but technically, most of its projects and operations are now under the Donofrio Group of Companies.
He saved it, in a way, but mercilessly.
Marami kaming pinag-usapan noon. Mga katotohanan na pinagkait sa akin hanggang sa mamatay na ako sa sakit. I have yet to see the point of telling someone the truth after they've already been burned.
"Meryenda, sir?" Tigris appeared out of nowhere, smiling like an idiot.
Umuwi na rin si Ram pagkatapos naming mag-usap para hindi na masira pa ang oras namin ni Papa. Medyo naging maayos ang pakiramdam ko at ilang luto lamang ni Nanang Thelma noong weekend ay masigla na ulit ako.
Ilang araw din bago ako nakabalik sa Maynila dahil nawalan ng pasok ng ilang weekdays. Wala pa ring pasok pagbalik ko at nakaisip ako ng idea. Sobrang ganda ng idea ko habang tuwang-tuwang kumakain kasama si Ram.
"Mag-hello ka kay ninang mo. Marami nang utang sa'yo 'yan!" Mirna shrieked in joy as she handed me her chubby two year old son.
"Hi, baby! Ang cute naman nito, Mirna! Pero parang hindi naman nagmana sa'yo?" I laughed as I pointed to Japeth, her boyfriend. Sabi niya ay magpapakasal sila this year dahil nag-iipon pa.
"Malamang hindi ako ang kamukha niyan. Ako kaya ang naghirap at iyan lang ang nasarapan!" Kung hindi pa man sa amin ang lahat ng atensyon ay nakuha na lahat ni Mirna.
Japeth tried to put his hands on Baby Lance's ears. The poor baby. Habang karga ko at inuuto ang bata ay nginisihan ko si Ram sa tabi ko, kausap ang iba pang crew ng bistro. Parang noong dati lang kapag nagpapa-meeting siya, at noong dalaga pa lang kami ni Mirna.
Iyong mga dating crew niya at mga katrabaho ko ay tuwang-tuwa habang nakikipagkamustahan. Imagine their shock earlier when we surprise visited. Nalaman kong hindi lamang pala sila ang masaya dahil maging ako ay masayang-masaya sa pagbabalik namin.
"Naku, ser, miss na miss ko ho kayo! Umalis kayong puros mop ang hawak ko, ngayon nag-improve na syempre. Basahan naman. Waiter na ako, ser!" Ivan kept on raising his hand to Ram.
"Akala ho namin hindi na kayo babalik! Parang noong umalis si Chrissy ay umalis na rin kayo!"
"Na-miss ka rin namin, Chrissy! Ikaw ang pinakamaganda sa buong bistro!"
Mukhang si Ram nga lang ang namiss nitong crew, e. Humalakhak na lamang ako nang maalala kanina ang mga mukha nila noong pumasok ako kaagad sa lumang kitchen. Nag-group hug kami roon nang ilang mga dating crew pero syempre ay nalagas na rin ang iba.
Sa ngayon, ang namamahala ng bistro ay si Mirna at si Japeth. Hindi na bumalik ang dati naming amo nang tuluyan nang binili ni Ram ang buong bistro. Noong umalis ako ay ipinagkatiwala na lang ni Ram ang lahat kina Mirna.
"Naku, kahit noong umalis ka, bumabalik-balik iyang si Sir Ram. Baka raw kasi isang araw maisipan mong bumalik. Tawag nga ng tawag, e," bulong sa akin ni Mirna.
Ngumuso ako habang nililingon siyang nakikipagkatuwaan sa crew.
"Kayo pala talaga hanggang dulo, ano?" aniya sabay kurot sa tagiliran ko.
"Kayo din pala ni Japeth? Binigyan ka na kaagad ng souvenir para sure," sabi ko naman.
Napairap na lamang si Mirna sabay kurot sa buhat ko pa ring si Lance. "Pasalamat siya, medyo cute siya kaya naging ganito kagwapo ang anak namin. Paanong hindi ko kasi sasagutin kung umaga pa lang e kinukulit na ako?!"
"Nagrereklamo ka pa. Gusto mo rin naman," ako naman ang sumundot ng tagiliran niya.
"Kamusta si Sir Ram? Magaling ba? Naku, sabihin mong lahat, Chrissy!" Gigil na gigil niya ako kinurot sabay tawa. Tinakpan ko na lang ang mga tenga ng bata habang natatawa na rin.
Nilingon ko si Ram na kanina pa panay ang lingon sa akin. Humarap pa ako lalo para makita niya ang kargang bata na malapit na yatang makatulog sa dibdib ko. I mouthed some words and he shook his head. Natawa na lamang ako.
The bistro was closed early. Nagpahanda roon ng kaunting salu-salo. Sinulit ko na ang tingin habang nagkakasayahan at nagkakantahan. Ito ang naging unang daan ko para sa tyansa sa buhay at tatanawin pa rin kung saan man ako makakarating. Dito ko rin unang nakilala ang lalaking mamahalin ko ng buong pagkatao at buong buhay ko.
This place taught me patience, value of hard work, friendship and family, and the most things in life. It was what shaped me to be what I am now, and all the other life long lessons came from this tiny hole. I would love to take all my favorite people here.
"Chrissy! Ikaw naman dito! Kanina pa ako rito, e!" Halos ihagis ng cook namin noon at ngayon ang mic ng videoke sa akin.
Gumagabi na rin. Lasing na rin ang karamihan at nakapalibot na isang long table. Marami na ring case ang naubos. Mas umiingay na ang kwentuhan, mas tumataas ang score sa videoke.
"Sir! Kayo na lang!" kantyaw pa ng isa.
"Hindi na. Kayo na lang," ngisi ni Ram na bahagya na ring namumula.
Hinawakan ko ang hita nito nang umamba nanamang tatanggap ng pang-ilang bote ng beer. Nilingon niya akong nakangisi sabay iling nang ibaba ang bote. He then reclined on his chair to sniff my hair a bit.
"Want to go home?" his deep whispers.
"Your place or mine." I giggled, slightly flushed too. We had two options, anyway. My old apartment that probably had another boarder. Or his house where he keeps a care talker.
"Chrissy! Sir Ram! Ano yan, ha? Naku, kayo, hindi pa kayo kumakanta!" The mic was passed again but Ram was fast to stand up to declare our exit.
Sobrang saya ko noong araw na iyon. Kung pwede lamang ay huwag nang umalis. Kung bukas ay pwede na ulit bumalik. Ngunit kinailangan din naming bumalik sa Maynila dahil may pasok na ako at may trabaho na siya kinabukasan. Nagpalipas lamang kami ng gabi sa bahay niya bago tumulak.
"Babalik kayo, ha? Mamimiss ko ulit kayo, Sir Ram! Dalian niyo lang, ha?" mangiyak-ngiyak si Mirna habang hinahatid kami sa kotse.
Binalik ko sa kaniya ang anak niya sabay ngisi. "Si Sir Ram mo lang yata ang mamimiss mo, e. Paano naman ako?"
"Tse! 'Wag ka na. Bayaran mo muna 'yung utang mo sa inaanak mo!" Pinandilatan niya ako sabay yakap ng mahigpit.
"Mag-iingat po kayo sa biyahe, ser."
"Salamat po sa pagpunta!"
"Maraming salamat din. Kayo na munang bahala rito..."
"Makakaasa po kayo, ser! Madame!"
Kakaway-kaway ako sa buong crew habang papalayo na ang kotse. I kept smiling at Ram, begging him still to visit again the next week. Hindi pa man din nakakalayo ay may natanggap na kaming tawag. It wiped out the smile on my face, and my heart slowed down.