Maybe it was because the party was downright boring.
Maybe it was because he’s tired.
Maybe it was because he didn’t really want to attend in the first place.
Or, maybe it was because Yeonjun needed him that Soobin found himself rushing back home.
The very moment he got the phone call, Soobin did not have any second thoughts and just went back immediately without questioning Yeonjun why. The male asking him to come home was enough for him to take action and drive himself back, not even bothering to inform his family because they were busy with the guests anyway.
And so when Soobin finally reached home, the first thing he did was look for the brown haired male. It didn’t take him that much time in searching since Yeonjun’s already standing there in the hallways, waiting for him with an expression so lost Soobin doesn’t want to do anything else but engulf the older in a really tight embrace and protect him from the darkness of the world.
Slowly, Soobin approached Yeonjun who’s just staring at him with his dark brown irises, watching Soobin get near his unmoving figure. The second the taller is near him enough to pull him close, Yeonjun just let Soobin caged him between his arms, his head being pressed right on the male’s chest as he recognized the familiar warm feeling he gets every time he’s in Soobin’s comforting hold.
As he wrapped his arms around the younger male in return, Yeonjun wonders if Soobin feels the same way when they share a hug. Because to him, being in Soobin’s embrace offers comfort, contentment and assurance that he’ll be safe. He feels protected and secured, like nothing can ever harm him, like he’ll never be hurt, like he finally belongs somewhere, as long as he stays there, in Soobin’s arms.
It’s his safe place.
There’s no point in denying that anymore.
But it still bothers him and it stings in some way because, what if he’s the only one who feels like that? What if Soobin prefers to be elsewhere? He’s not sure and he doesn’t know and it’ll keep on worrying him if he stays unaware.
Should he take the risk and make everything clear?
With that surfacing in Yeonjun’s hazy mind, he shifted a little and turned his face up to look at Soobin.
“Soobin?”
The male looks down on him in curiosity and concern. “Hmm?” he hums in response.
“Can I ask you something?” Yeonjun felt shivers running down his body as those words left his mouth. His heart beating frantically that he could’ve sworn Soobin can feel it too.
The latter pulled him back close to him and kissed the top of his head, both his hands resting on Yeonjun’s waist, “Anything.”
However after the action, the smaller male found his words being caught in his throat. The courage he earned earlier dissipating into thin air as his tongue got tied and he couldn’t speak up. He gripped the fabric of Soobin’s shirt tighter as he tried to calm his nerves down, still pressed up against the male’s chest.
“What is it baby?” Soobin questioned as he sensed Yeonjun getting tensed up. In an attempt to console the male, Soobin rubs circular patterns on his back while whispering sweet nothings into his ear.
But ironically, it didn’t help in motivating Yeonjun to say what he originally wanted to.
He can’t.
He fucking can’t.
It frightens him so much he can’t let the words out because fuck, it’s happening again.
He feels the warm and fuzzy feeling creeps up on him again and it’s so overwhelming. It’s frightening because he knows that he feels happy when he’s with Soobin and he treasures every single second of it. It terrifies him because he got too attached already and he got in way too deep than he initially intended to.
And what dreads him the most is Soobin not feeling the same.
This feeling is just so beautiful and addictive and he knows it’s damaging and he should fucking let go but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.
He isn’t ready to lose this feeling yet.
He doesn’t want to lose it.
So he did everything in his power to stop his tears, muster up all his energy left and plaster on a fake smile before looking back up on Soobin.
“Never mind that. It’s nothing important Binnie~”
“Are you sure?” Soobin frowned, puzzled at how Yeonjun’s mood change so quickly.
“Yes! Now let’s go! I prepared cookies!” the smaller said, pulling away from the hug and dragging a baffled Soobin by his hands.
I can’t let go of this yet. Yeonjun thought to himself. It’s better for me to stay unsure than know that you don’t feel the same way.
___
“You made these?” questioned Soobin after he got hauled in the dining hall. He and Yeonjun sat by the table, his eyes scanning the treats set up on the tabletop. He was astounded, amusement building up in him as he gawked on his favorites sitting there, waiting to be devoured. Cream buns, cookies, cakes, muffins and a lot more others that Soobin was almost sure Yeonjun planned to give him a toothache by the end of the night.
He doesn’t mind.
After all, it was Yeonjun who prepared all these.
“No,” the brown haired male sheepishly shakes his head, raised both his arms up and waved them to defend himself. “But I ordered them! I mean I won’t have time if I’d make them myself—“
Soobin’s low chuckles cut him off, “It’s fine. I’ll still like them either way.”
Just looking at Soobin smiling is enough for Yeonjun to be full, to be honest. Made him feel all the beautiful things.
And a tiny drop of uncertainty.
He shook the thought off, stood up and turned to Soobin. “I’ll make us something to drink, do you want hot chocolate or milk?”
“You.”
He got flustered, cheeks turning slightly into a shade of pink as he froze there on his spot. “W-what?”
With a frown on his clueless face, Soobin faced the stuttering male. “I mean, you decide. I’ll get whatever you want.”
“O-oh.” Yeonjun nodded to himself, still feeling a little shaken and a little dumb before he went to the kitchen to make the said drink.
Once Yeonjun was done, he returned back in the dining area with two mugs in hand, both filled with hot milk. As he was walking, he could see from a good distance that Soobin’s been engrossed with the treats, stuffing his mouth with the buns so cutely that it brought a small smile on Yeonjun’s face.
If given the chance, he could do this for the rest of his life.
Who would get tired on staring at such a masterpiece?
Totally not Yeonjun.
After a good minute of just standing there, he realized he must have looked like a creep so he continued walking again and approached the latter.
“Here you go.” He said as he put both mugs on the table.
Yeonjun was about to go and return to his seat when he got unexpectedly pulled back, causing him to lose his balance and land on Soobin’s lap. His eyes widened, heart racing for thinking that he would tumble over but seems like his company had planned something else.
He then felt arms snaking around his waist as he sat there, internally freaking out because what the fuck is Soobin doing nuzzling his face on his shoulder like that?
“W-what are y-you doing?” Yeonjun stammered as Soobin pulled him closer.
“Hmm? I’m not doing anything.”
The smaller of the two put both his hands over the other’s locked hands and tried to pull them apart for him to escape but Soobin only pressed them together tighter. “I can sit on the chair.”
“What chair?” Soobin asked trying to sound innocent but his actions proved otherwise when he not-so-subtly kicked the nearby chair over so it would fall.
Yeonjun gaped at him and glare. “Are you serious?”
“No, I’m Soobin.” The male replied, burying his face on Yeonjun’s neck once again.
Since it was too much for the brunette’s still clouded mind, he tried to free himself away from the raven haired’s grasp and attempted to stand up. “Let me go!”
“Sorry, try again.”
“I said let me—“
“Can’t hear you.”
“I’m not kiddi—“
“Oh this bread tastes good.”
“Soobin—“
“Who’s that?”
Yeonjun took a deep breath. He gave up and stopped struggling. “Fine, I’ll just squish you.”
Soobin smirked, turning his head to look at Yeonjun who’s all pouty and done with life that it made Soobin tempted to bite his cheeks because it appears to be puffier when he’s being sulky like that and the younger male just really wants to bite him.
“I’m gonna bite your cheek.”
The older male turned to him with a perplexed expression, wanting to make sure he heard what the other said right. “You’re what?”
“I’m biting you.” Soobbin replied as he brought his face close to Yeonjun in an attempt to nibble his cute lil cheekies but Yeonjun was fast enough to dodge his attacks.
“What is wrong with you—“
Soobin tried again.
“Binnie!”
“Just let me bite it once—“
“What? No!”
The taller ignored him and moved his face forward again, Yeonjun covered his cheeks, expression appalled.
“Stop!”
The raven haired male didn’t listen, instead he brought his hands up to remove Yeonjun’s hands away from his face while the other fought back.
“No! Baby, I said stop it!” Yeonjun mindlessly blurted out, still trying to cover his cheeks and swat Soobin’s hands away.
And then suddenly, Soobin halted his movements. Not because Yeonjun told him so, but because of what Yeonjun called him.
A grin then slowly made its way onto his lips, hands still wrapped around the other’s wrists as he speaks out. “What did you call me?”
Now realizing what he just did, Yeonjun felt his face heating up as he brought both their hands down together on his own lap. “B-binnie?”
“No, the other one.”
Wincing and biting his lower lip, Yeonjun decided to say fuck it and repeat it again. This time, he turned his head to glance at Soobin and see his reaction only to find him smiling at him.
“Baby?”
With his silly grin still on, Soobin pulled a move and booped their noses against each other, causing Yeonjun to close his eyes in surprise. “Yes baby?” he then said after the action was done.
Obviously, Yeonjun got flustered and panicked once again so he shifted his gaze down on the table and reached for whatever was near.
“Just shut up and eat your biscuit.”
He couldn’t deny the smile he’s wearing when he feed Soobin that biscuit though.
*
After concluding that they’ve had enough sweet treats for the night, the two went to the living room and decided to play some board games.
The first thing they played was chess and then realized that game requires logic and serious mind skills so not even five minutes later, they already discarded the game. And then they played monopoly, taking things a little too serious at the start and then both got bored because there was only two of them and it was much more fun playing with their friends so they abandoned that too.
Soobin suggested scrabble after that but quickly took it back because that game also requires thinking strategy. They were left with nothing for a while until Yeonjun spotted jenga boxes in the game room so he brought it to the living room and they started a friendly competition involving those rectangular blocks.
That was the longest game they played, maybe because there was a deal that the loser has to do the other’s house chores for three days and since the both of them are lazy asses, they did their best not to lose.
In the end, Soobin lost, resulting to a screeching and happy Yeonjun to mock him.
The raven haired guy was still convinced the other cheated though.
*
“Are you not done yet? My arms are tired.”
“It’s almost over, endure it for a little bit more.”
“I can’t, they’re gonna fall of—“
“Don’t move you’re ruining my sketch!” Yeonjun yelled the moment Soobin’s hand fall down from holding his chin.
He was posing for quite a while now so you can’t blame him if his arms are tired.
Actually, you can go ahead and blame him. It was his decision to make that pose anyway.
“Hurry up then!”
“I’m almost done!”
…
“Okay! Look!” Yeonjun finally said and showed his work to Soobin who’s so close to dying by the way. The smaller male zoomed over to Soobin with an expectant gaze as he excitedly showed him his sketch of the male.
And that’s it.
Soobin was certain he could endure hours and hours of uncomfortable poses if that means he’ll see the brunette smile like that afterwards.
*
When Yeonjun went to his room to get something, he was not expecting to see this kind of sight once he returned back to the living room.
“Why are you under the christmas tree?” he asked, frowning and concerned as he glanced at the male chilling right under the tree beside all the gift boxes, some christmas decorations surrounding him.
From what it looked like, you could say that he was doing something and then tripped right on the tree.
But nobody has to point that out.
“Because I’m a gift to this world?” Soobin answered, gazing up at Yeonjun and shrugging, trying to hide the embarrassment underneath.
Yeonjun could only roll his eyes as he helped the other up on his feet.
*
Hours later, the two found themselves lying down on a makeshift bed still on the living room dressed in their matching pajamas. After all the silly childish things they did, their energies sure went down by now.
They were curled up under this one fluffy blanket across the chimney, their eyes fixated on the calming crackling fire as they snuggled close to each other. Yeonjun got his head resting on Soobin’s left arm as he was pulled close to the male’s chest, Soobin’s fingers also playing with the older male’s hair along the process.
It was comfort what both males felt at that moment, the flames offering warmth at this cold dark weather as well as each other’s natural body heat. A thought then came into Soobin’s mind while the two of them were about to succumb in relaxation which cause the movement of his fingers to stop tangling their way into Yeonjun’s locks. Due to this, the smaller male look up at him and was about to complain when Soobin opened his mouth to speak.
“Yeonjun?”
“Hmm?” the brunette softly hummed in response, his hands found themselves tracing different patterns onto Soobin’s other arm that were wrapped around his waist.
“Why didn’t you finish your family’s christmas celebration?” The raven haired male asked, his gaze shifting from the fire to Yeonjun’s face who halted his actions and seemed to get lost in a trance for a moment.
“Yeonjun?”
“Oh, uhm,” Yeonjun snapped out of his daze and blinks rapidly to face Soobin. “I-it’s just—I was— I-I don’t know.” He shyly admitted, biting his lower lip and averted his eyes away.
Now that it was mentioned, he didn’t really know why he left. He just did.
The party was okay, he could tolerate it if he tried. He could actually interact and pay attention to everyone and enjoy himself but he didn’t.
It’s just that—his mind was elsewhere.
Taehyung did come, his favorite cousin arrived alongside Jimin and Jungkook but it felt to Yeonjun that something was still missing.
Like the thing he was searching for was not there.
Like he was still waiting for something.
Like he wanted to see this one particular thing in there—present next to him.
And maybe he knows what that something was.
Maybe that something was someone’s presence.
Specifically this man’s presence who was all curled up next to him.
Yes, as much as he fucking hates to admit it, he was bothered by the fact that Soobin was not there with him. It bothered him so much to the point that he left that stupid party so he could go home and hope that the said male would be there too.
There, he fucking admitted it.
Just not out loud.
“You left but you don’t know why?” Soobin weaved Yeonjun’s words for him and repeated it, brows knitting together as he examined the male’s face for any signs that could state otherwise.
“I just left.” Yeonjun nodded, his lips in a small pout. “Why did you leave yours then?”
“Because you asked me to come?”
“You could’ve declined and ignored me.”
“And why would I do that?”
“Because I don’t make any sense and you could’ve been having fun instead of being here with me.”
“Exactly.” Soobin breathed out, gaze staring right at Yeonjun’s eyes so earnestly that the brunette felt like it’s boring through his soul. Yet, he didn’t look away and stared back at Soobin as the next words leave the taller’s mouth. “I’d rather be with you than be with everyone else.”
And god, Yeonjun swore he could’ve melted right then and there if it wasn’t for the small voice inside his head that still doubted everything.
“Don’t say things you don’t mean,” he told the other guy, his index finger tracing a line from Soobin’s jaw towards his chin, all while maintaining eye contact. “It’ll cause a massive misunderstanding.”
Yeonjun’s finger then lingered there on the other’s face for a bit before it got captured and his hand was now held by Soobin firmly. “But I do. I mean it.”
Fuck.
Is he aware of his effects on Yeonjun?
Does Soobin know what he’s doing?
Because damn these feelings for driving Yeonjun nuts.
He can’t continue like this.
They shouldn’t even be doing this. This is—this whole thing is—it’s fucking confusing and stupid and it’s making him insane and he’s fucking done with it.
Yeonjun—he can’t continue seeing things unclear any longer.
Uncertainties be damned.
He can’t do this anymore.
Retracting his hand away from Soobin’s grasp, Yeonjun shifted his position and gazed seriously at Soobin. Their faces inches apart and his heart pounding so hard and he felt his hands freezing but it wasn’t because of the cold.
Gathering all of his courage up, Yeonjun ignored the unsettling feeling inside his stomach that screams for him to stop whatever he’s planning to do.
He needs his answers.
And he needs them right now.
“Soobin,” he called out lowly, “what are we doing?”
“What do you me—“
“I mean this—“ Yeonjun cut him off, his whispers rising a little because of frustration. “Between the two of us—what are we doing?”
Seems like Soobin finally understands where this conversation is heading when Yeonjun motioned to the both of them, “Baby—“
“No, don’t call me that,” the smaller male shakes his head, tears threatening to fall but he held them back. “Give me a damn answer, Soobin. What’s this? How long are we gonna stay this way? I’m fucking lost.”
Yeonjun then closed his eyes shut and took a deep breath before looking deeply at Soobin in the eye. “What even are we?” he managed to let out, his voice turning into a whisper at the end because his throat fucking hurts from stopping himself from breaking down.
“Let’s not talk about it this way. Please, I don’t want to ruin—“
“You don’t want to ruin what?”
“What we have, Yeonjun. I don’t want to ruin this.” Soobin answered, sounding as desperate. His mind racing in an unquantifiable speed as he tried to comprehend what to do or what to say but he couldn’t.
“So you can’t give me an answer because you don’t want to ruin what we have?” Yeonjun scoffed. He wants to laugh, wants to fucking snicker out loud because of how ridiculous that sounds like to him. He wants to slap himself for being so vulnerable and pathetic.
He wants to just—he doesn’t even know anymore.
“No—that’s not what I’m trying to say. Look, Yeonj—“
“Yeah, I get it. Let’s drop this conversation, I’m tired.” Yeonjun then shifted his position, turning away to have his back face Soobin.
The latter sighed, wanting to explain his side more but he knows Yeonjun wouldn’t listen and there’s a huge possibility he’ll just say things to make matters even worse so he just moved closer to the other male and tried to reach out.
However, Yeonjun flinched and avoided his touch.
It fucking stings.
“Don’t move closer, I’m warm.” Yeonjun reasoned out when they’ve literally lit up the fireplace because it’s freezing cold.
He was lying and Soobin knew why he did.
~
would you believe me if i say there's only one more chapter left?