Pagkatapos ng ilang meetings ay dumiretso na muna ako sa opisina ni Ram. Dark colors swam in its elements and spaces as the rugged modernism further extended in his wooden sleek shelves and spacious desk. Unang beses ko pa lamang rito ay napuri ko kaagad ang arkitekto.
Ang agaw-pansin ay ang bahaging pinakatanaw ang kalakhan ng buong siyudad. Everyone seemed too busy from the view up here. Hindi tumitigil, at hindi namamahinga. I figured, there's not much difference from down there to up here.
I tried to decipher my thoughts while standing just on this spot. Kung ako ba ang may-ari ng isang napakalaking imperyo, paano ba ang gagawin ko? At, kung ayaw na sa akin ng babaeng mahal na mahal ko, paano rin ba ang gagawin ko? How does a man who has everything thinks?
Parte ba ako ng mga naiisip niya tuwing nakatayo siya rito?
This must be the spot where Ram stood for how many times and how many reasons. Be it a big problem in the company or just a little inconvenience. Kung naiisip niya ba ako habang nakatayo rito't abala ang mga sasakyan sa ibaba, o kapag naman malalim na ang gabi at halos wala nang mga tao?
Does he think of me in the middle of signing something? Does he think of me still during his meetings?
What could be the average time a person can think of another in twenty-four hours?
Bahagya na lamang akong napatawa habang nakatayo paring nag-iisip. Napailing na lamang ako. Wala pa man din si Ram dahil may didinggin pang ilang meetings. This was his main office, afterall.
Ang mga ilang view na dati ay sa screen ko lamang nakikita ay nahahawakan ko na ngayon. He probably spends his time here more than his real home. Dito rin ang madalas na view niya habang ka-videocall ko sa gabi tuwing weekends.
My fingertips glided on top of the black leather sofa as I walked towards the little pendulum sitting on top of his wide wooden desk. It was the only decor there, and it seemed to me, in his whole office.
Umupo ako sa kaniyang swivel chair habang tinitingnan ang kaniyang lamesa. Not so much stuff. Only a bunch of pen, laptop, and organizer. But it also seemed to me, there's another decor aside from the pendulum.
"You look kinda weird here, don't you?" Maingat kong itinaas ang katamtamang size na picture frame.
It looked weird sitting on the corner of his desk. Alone. In my honest opinion, she could do better in this photo. She looked kinda ugly.
"Do I look that ugly?" Ngumuso ako habang nakasandal at bahagyang umiikot-ikot.
"Baka kung sa ibang anggulo kinuha ay baka maayos pa. Bakit ba kasi ikaw ang narito?"
"I looked so young here. Full of muta but also full of hope."
For some reasons, I could not get mad or even annoyed. Gaano man kapangit ang tingin ko sa sarili kong ito ay nakangiti lamang ako habang nagpapaikot-ikot sa upuan. Ram must think of me, once or twice a day because of this.
Napatigil ako sa ginagawa nang bumukas ang mga pinto. Pumasok na si Ram kasunod ang kaniyang sekretarya. Pareho ay may dalang mga pagkain.
"Thank you, Mariah," aniya sa sekretarya bago ito umalis.
I waved at his trembling little secretary when she looked at me. Napanguso na lamang ako nang makaalis ito at naiwan kaming dalawa ni Ram.
He was still busy fixing the table for us while I sat on chair. It was an amusing sight. Ram, the very owner of this entire building and many more, was preparing food for me.
Pumangalumbaba na lamang ako habang pinagmamasdan siya. His hands moved in precision and grace while his body language was illegally dominating. He was still on his suit, and my, my...his dark hair was slicked back to perfection, making his jaw more prominent and his brows more defined.
Nang dumating ang oras ng kaniyang pagtatapos ay hinarap na ako. I almost wanted to sulk.
"Sorry to keep you waiting. I brought chocolates for you," aniya at lumapit na sa akin.
Tumingala ako nang makalapit na ito sa aking pwesto. Kahit pa unti-unti na siyang yumuko para maabot ako ay nakatingala pa rin ako. I almost wanted to bury my head in his chest upon smelling his clean spicy cologne.
"What have you been up to, hmm?" His head tilted a bit as he tried to give me a kiss.
"Nothing," ngisi ko habang iniiwas ang pisngi.
"That doesn't sound like nothing. What did you do?" Nang makahabol ang kaniyang mga labi ay napanguso na lamang ako.
"Bring me that chocolate, and then maybe I can tell you." Tinuro ko ang lamesang kaniyang inayos kanina.
Tinaasan ako ito ng kilay ngunit ngumisi na lamang at umiling.
I remembered the times that I was the one who did this for him, and for other people back then. An idea came to mind. Maybe, after being so busy and all.
I watched him retreat and bring me the pyramid of chocolates. Tuwang-tuwa ako nang ilapag niya iyon sa harapan ko. Ginto at brown ang kulay ng mabangong tsokolate. Gusto ko man sigurong ubusin lahat iyon ay baka sumakit ang tiyan ko.
"Now, what is it? Hmm, spoiled brat?" he said as he watched me trying to open a piece.
Nakatayo pa rin si Ram habang ako ay nakaupo at kumakain. Nang maisubo ko na ang buo ay ngumiti ako sa kaniya. I stood up to get water to flush it out but when I got back, he was the one sitting. Madaya!
"What is it, Chrissy?" Mischief gleamed in his eyes that I was suddenly reminded that this was his territory.
Imbes na pansinin ito ay kumuha nanaman ako ng isa pang bubuksan na tsokolate. Habang pinipilit iyong buksan ay umupo ako sa kaniyang mga hita. Ram froze a bit, then relaxed later on. Nang makagatan ang isang piraso ay pinakain ko sa kaniya ang kalahati.
I was going to get another one but his large calloused hands stopped me.
"Dapat pala ay hindi na muna kita kinuhanan. Uubusin mo yata lahat iyan bago mo ako kausapin," he chuckled on my ear a bit.
Hinarap ko ito at dinantay ang isang kamay sa kaniyang balikat. His face was soon zooming in, giving me yet another sweet, sweet kiss. I tasted the chocolates on my mouth and on his.
"That tasted even better. Let's do it again," ngisi ko sa kaniya sabay kuha nanaman ng isa pang piraso ngunit malakas na ang kaniyang tawa nang bawalin ako.
"But its yummier that way! Just another one and we'll stop!"
"Chrissy..." his tone held a light warning but just to be sure, I moved my hips a bit. His hands were fast to stop me.
Napanguso ako ngunit sa likod ng utak ko ay punong-puno na ako ng mga kababalaghan. How about if I'm already married? Oh my goodness, I won't last a day.
I tried to move again but he pinned me to him until I was squirming.
"Fine! Ayaw mo rin naman akong pakainin, at ayaw mo rin akong pagalawin. Alam mo ba kung anong ginawa ko kanina?"
"Yes, please." Halos bumulong ito.
Inabot ko ang aking picture frame sa gilid at buong-pusong pinakita sa kaniya. I felt him nod, his hands loosening its hold. The other rested on my waist while the other on my thigh.
"So, you found my little treasure. I still can't believe I afforded that kind after years and years of searching."
"Your treasure kinda looks weird here. And kinda ugly too. Maganda ba ito?"
"Maganda," he deeply breathed.
I giggled at his response to my fishing of a compliment.
"Hmm. Mukhang pangit, e. Mukhang hindi rin marunong magluto."
"She's very beautiful, and I'm sure she can cook a dish or two. The other dishes, ako na ang mamomroblema. And if she wants to learn, then she will." Mas humigpit pa ang kaniyang yakap sa akin.
Yabang!
"Hmm. Is this the only picture here? Or are there other 'treasures' here that I have yet to find?"
"Iyan pa lang. Pero baka lagyan ko pa. Maybe another picture of her to see how much of a grown woman she is now."
I looked back at the picture. Batang-bata, nasa pagitan ng paggising at pagtulog sa kama. I couldn't tell if I am aware of the camera at the moment. Pamilyar ang kulay ng mga silid sa corner at ang may kalakihang damit na aking suot.
"Or maybe when the time comes, we'll put a little version of her here."
"Or a little version of you?" malambing kong saad.
"Uh-huh. Maybe...four or five? How many do you want?"
Mas lalong lumalalim ang boses ni Ram ay mas lalo lamang itong nagiging taimtim at payapa. He found my fingers and intertwined it just on top of my tummy. Hindi ko maiwasan na aabot kami sa puntong pag-uusapan namin ito. I mean, hindi ko aakalaing siya pa ang unang makakapag-isip sa aming dalawa.
Maybe it was his voice full of promises that suddenly made the room spin. Uminit ang sulok ng mga mata ko kasabay nang pagtawa.
"One or two would be fine," I laughed again with my unshed tears.
I suddenly thought of a more serious matter at hand. I figured it was easier to put it this way.
"What if she chooses her career first? Papaano kung ayaw muna niyang magpakasal at magkaanak dahil gusto muna niyang tapusin ang pag-aaral?" I looked at my picture, my little hands still holding the picture frame.
Naramdaman ko ang kaniyang paghinga sa ibabaw ng aking ulo. Halos isandal ko na ang likod sa kaniyang taas-babang dibdib. I bit my lips in anticipation.
"I will support her at everything she does. Even if it means we'll marry in the next five years or so. But just as she knows..." Sa aming mga kamay ay hinawakan ni Ram ang aking singsing. I closed my eyes as he hugged me even tighter. "But just as she knows, our engagement will never be called off. I will wait patiently as she achieves her goals in life."
Nang hindi ko na kinaya ay hinarap ko na ito. Punong-puno nang mahabaging ekspresyon ang mga mata ni Ram. I held his neck while I rested my head on his chest.
"Papaano naman...kung...kung gusto na niyang magpakasal ngayong araw? Kahit wala pa ang halos lahat ng kailangan?" I smiled at the thought.
"That can be arranged too," he chuckled a bit.
"Seems like your treasure's got you wrapped in her little fingers..." Umahon ako at hinarap siyang muli.
"She's a spoiled baby girl, that's why."
"But you love her anyway?"
"I love her. And I will love her, in any way that I can, and will continue to do so until time stops me."
Wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang iikot ang mga kamay sa kaniyang leeg at yakapin siya ng mahigpit na mahigpit. He hugged me back even tighter and said his words again but directly to me, and not in third person.
"I love you. And I will love you, in any way that I can, and will continue to do so until time stops me, baby," he solemnly promised again.
Dumaan ang weekdays ko rito sa Maynila. Ilang preparations din ang inaatupag ko kasabay ng pag-aaral ko, all the while ensuring my father has all that he needs. Kapag maaga akong natatapos sa klase ay dumidiretso ako sa opisina ni Ram at kapag naman ginagabi ay siya ang sumusundo sa akin. Sometimes, we could have a fancy dinner at an Italian restaurant. But other times, it could be a movie night turned make out night turned sleepover at my place. Ram took so much place in my room that my pillows smells like him, and it was the best.
Ang gaan ng mga umaga ko at ang ginhawa ng mga gabi ko. Sobrang sarap pala mabuhay kapag masaya ka at walang problema. This life that I did not plan was what I have now and I would forever want to take care of it.
Naputol ang kapayapaang iyon isang umaga nang pauwi na sana akong Cebu.
"I thought you're gonna stay here-" Napahinto ako sa pintuan ng condo.
My half-sister, Yllana Cassandra Alejandre, was at my doorstep one sunny morning. Her elegant composure was as immaculate as ever as it rose in dominance against her soft yet strong eyes. Hair in a clean updo, white peplum dress and a Marc Jacobs in hand, I knew she meant business. Nakita ko ulit sa kaniya ang dating Yllana.
Sa pag-aakalang siya si Beth ay diretso kong nabuksan ang pinto, at sa pag-aakalang kaya pang maayos ang mga lamat ay pumayag ako sa alok niyang kumain.
"How was Tito Nick? I heard what happened." Her first words to me once we're seated in a nearby resto.
"Still in recovery but he's doing fine."
"And you? How are you?" Ngumiti ito nang malumanay, the ever classy and confident smile of hers.
"I'm good. Thanks." Ngumiti na lamang akong tipid.
"That's good to hear."
Pareho kaming tahimik. Ilang sandali niya akong pinagmasdan, parang may hinahanap kung ano. Kapag nagtatama ang mga mata namin ay ngumingiti lamang siya. Dumating na rin ang mga orders ngunit hindi ko iyon magalaw at maging siya ay ganoon din.
Umayos akong upo.
"I've...also heard some things, Chrissy. I find it hard to believe on my part. And also, rumors are just rumors after all at the end of the day," panimula niya ulit. "Hindi ba?"
I had known her for so long. Maybe, its the blood running on both our bloodstreams that I get to understand her right at this moment. She was having difficulties in asking me these questions and even being with me today.
"You can tell me what it is so maybe I can tell if its just rumors or not." Tiningnan ko ang lamesa.
"You and Ram got engaged. Is that true, Chrissy?"
Slowly, I looked at her.
It was seeing something to religiously built crumble into pieces. I get to see that firsthand and just inches away. Buo man ang kaniyang boses ay sapat na ang mga mata para paratang nadudurog at nawawasak. But upon seeing it, I also figured it this too was the hardest on my part.
Halos buong buhay ko ay puros mga kapatid ko lamang ang mga nakakasama ko. My birthdays were always the highlight of my years because of them. Ang mga pangmatrikula ko noon, mga damit ko, at iba pang mga pangangailangan. My siblings provided me the love I needed when I was still a child and even now.
I was betraying someone that helped me throughout the years, and she's sitting right in front of me.
"Yes," isang salitang kay tagal kong sinabi at kay tagal niyang hinintay.
Immediately, her precious eyes shut themselves but it opened silent waterfalls. Tahimik, mabilis na mabilis, at tuloy-tuloy ang kaniyang mga luha. But despite the tears, she nodded and smiled.
"Asawa ko siya..." She reminded me but it sounded like it was for her.
I offered her some tissue. She politely nodded again and received some. Nang kumalma na ito ay mapula na ang ilong at ang mga pisngi. She looked like fallen angel.
"Asawa ko pa rin si Ram, Chrissy. Siya ang asawa ko," mariin niyang pag-uulit.
Umiling ako sa kaniya ngunit mas nakita ko lamang ang determinasyon sa kaniyang mga mata. Napalunok ako. Gusto ko mang magsalita ng mga kung ano ay pigil na pigil ako sa mga totoong nalalaman ko.
"You were invited to our reunion here. Alam kong alam mong asawa ko siya. Kahit noon pa. I know you're having problems emotionally that year dahil naglayas ka pero hindi iyon sapat na dahilan, Chrissy. Walang sapat na dahilan para makasira ka ng pamilya."
What?
"What are you talking about? Why are you putting that against me, ate? Hindi ko iyon nagawa dahil doon at lalong hindi ako naninira ng pamilya." Napaawang ang bibig ko nang umukit ang sakit.
"I know what you've been through, and its perfectly fine. I understand, okay? I'm here for you. Just like always," muling tumulo ang mga luha niya.
Halos manghina ako nang mapabaling sa iba ang tingin. Nang hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko sa ibabaw ng lamesa ay muli ko siyang tiningnan.
"I know you still craved the attention that your parents failed to give you in your childhood. Nalulungkot ka lang, Chrissy, kaya mo iyon nagagawa ang mga bagay na ito."
"Stop it. I am over that part of my life so stop it."
"No, Chrissy. You need someone to open your eyes to your madness. This is madness. Kahit pa ako ang makapagpaintindi sa'yo ay ayos lang sa akin kahit masakit. Basta maintindihan mo lang."
"Alin ang iintindihin ko? Aren't you hearing yourself?"
"That you're lonely. And you need attention. Kaya mo nagagawa ang lahat ng ito ay dahil gusto mo ulit na kuhanin ka ni Mama. Hindi ba iyon ang gusto mo noong mga bata pa tayo?"
"You flew all the way from the south just so you can tell me that? Huh? Naririnig mo ba ang mga sinasabi mo, Yllana?"
"Ginagawa ko lang ito para sa kapakanan mo. I even scheduled all your therapy sessions para mas lalong mapabuti ang lagay mo. We all care for you..." Humigpit ang hawak niya sa mga kamay namin at hinawakan ang aking pisngi.
I didn't even know I was crying. My tears fell in horror because of what she has to say. Therapy? Para sa akin?
"Now that you have your father, I'm sure you wanted our mother too. That's why you opted to find the perfect reason to fit in our family again. I was told by the psychiatrist that you will see. Nangyayari raw iyon talaga sa mga taong nahirapan noong mga pagkabata nila."
"I had a rough childhood and I won't ever deny that. But for you to use that against me? And you even told people about it without my consent! Without my real feelings because you only told them parts that you know!" Medyo tumaas ang aking boses.
"Anger and denial is also a part of it. Mahal na mahal kita kaya ko nagagawa ito. I don't want you to lose yourself in the process. Calm down, please."
"Paano akong kakalma kung sarili kong kapatid ay ganyan na ang tingin sa akin? You're manipulating everything to your benefit. Your truths will never be mine in any way. Can't you see the whole truth, Yllana? You are the one being in denial here."
My angry tears fell down and melted on my cheeks. Abot-abot ang tahip ng dibdib ko sa nararamdaman. Ang kapatid sa aking harapan ay ngumiti lamang nang mapait sa akin.
Yllana nodded her apologies to the other tables and even to the servers. She offered me a tissue and smiled again.
"Your engagement to my husband is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard but I chose to be the bigger person. I forgive you if you promise to help yourself too..." aniya habang pinupunasan ang mga luha ko.
Napangisi na lamang ako nang tabigin ang kaniyang kamay. Gulat itong napatigil ngunit naging seryoso ang mukha.
"He's not your husband, Yllana. That's the whole truth."
"Ram Donofrio is my husband for years. Infact, he's now handling our company and all our operations. He is the chief executive, and our companies are soon to merge. Tama na ang kahibangan mo, Chrissy. Please, for your sake. Don't be like your father and repeat history."
I bit my lips so hard I tasted blood. Pigil na pigil akong sumigaw sa boses niyang kalmado at kampante. I wanted to scream so bad to make her stop all these.
"Alam kong nahihirapan ka sa mga nangyayari. Wala kang mga magulang na nagmamahal sa'yo at wala kang matatakbuhan. Ginagawa ko lamang ito para sa pamilya ko, at pamilya kita, Chrissy. I love you so much and I don't blame you. But Ram is my family too, now. I'm doing these for my family."
"Don't call him that," umiling ako nang ilang beses.
"He is my husband, and I love him. We faced so many trials together and overcome then together, too. These are challenges along the way and I'm proud of it." She smiled gently at me.
Yllana then stood up and kissed my temples. I watched her take out her wallet and say her apologies again to the crew and most of the people. Panay pa rin ang bulungan at tingin ng mga tao kahit pa siya'y umalis na at iniwan akong nag-iisa.