When pain is all there is.
There's so much to tell you, so much to talk about. Maybe you can tell me what I'm feeling, maybe you can help me out. Maybe you can change this. But I don't know how to talk to you. I have never talked to you about my heart but I still feel like I've talked to you about the things that I would never talk about.
_______________________________________
When he takes her name and she doesn't like it, not this time.
"Aaina.."
Kyun lete ho Mera naam is tarah jese tunhare liye Mera naam sab kuch hai. Nahin hai aisa, Mera naam hi baaqi reh gaya hai mere paas. Tum ne Mera dil, meri rooh, meri zaat, sab ko takleef pauhnchai hai, Mera naam is tarah mat lo. Mera naam barbaad mat karo. Mujhe nahin lagta ke mere paas kuch bhi baaqi hai is waqt, sivaaye mere naam ke. Wo tumhain nahin de sakti, Mera naam aise lo jese kisi sarak par jaane walay anjaan insaan ka naam ho, aise nahin jese tumhari zindagi main bus yehi naam hai jo zaroori hai. Mujh par Rehm karo, aur takleef mat do.
When he feels that her love isn't a weakness after all.
She bit her lip for a moment.
She had to tell him, she had to tell him that she loved him more than she had ever loved anyone but her love was not something meaningless. She would never co exist with another woman, she would never accept that there was another woman in his life.
"Zaydaan, aap se pyaar karti hoon, bauhat pyaar karti hoon. Lekin koi dusri aurat yahan aye aur main Co exist karun, esa sochiye ga bhi mat."
She said, words coming out of her mouth so smoothly, without any hesitation.
"Aaina."
He whispered, trying to make her understand. She gave another shake of her head.
"Aaina.."
He said again, a tear fell out of her eye.
"Don't call my name like it's yours to take. It's mine."
Zaydaan fell quite for a minute after that, not speaking as he registered her words.
Aaina was changing. She truly was changing.
When she's tired of his cruelty.
"Apna ghar chor diya, sadkey tumhare. Apni chahaton ko maar diya, sadkey tumhare, jis tarah treat kiya, qubool kiya, sadkey tumhare. Tum se kabhi nahi kaha ke mujhe pyaar karo, kabhi aisa kuch nahi maanga Jo tum na de sako, kabhi tumse koi sawaal nahi kiya, humaisha tumse pyaar se, izzat se baat ki. Aur aaj tum keh rahe ho ke tumhain ijazat bhi nahi chahiye, us se shadi karne ki?"
"Itne pathar dil kyun ho aap Zaydaan? Kyun aap ka dil sab ki parwah karta hai, magar meri nahi. Kyun aap mujhe har qadam par is tarah treat karte ho?"
"Aaj main aap se kehti hoon, aap mujhe talaq de do, mujhe chor do, aur phir Jo karna hai karo."
_______________________________________
When she's in pain and she's sorry.
Pain is reality. Pain is there. Pain is what changes people and pain is what makes them hate their existence. Pain is what transforms them. Whatever the pain might be, it really screws you up.
And the only way to get rid of it is to sort things out initially, no matter how hard it seems. Because once you ignore the initial part, you're doomed to feel more than you wanted to.
Zaydaan didn't know what to say, other than apologise.
"I'm sorry."
It shocked her, a genuine sorry out of him. The one with soft eyes and concerned face, she wasn't used to it.
She was used to saying sorry even when it wasn't her fault.
"Don't, don't say you're sorry."
Aaina sat down on the sofa, putting her hands on her face and taking a few deep breaths, Zaydaan patiently waited for her to say something, anything.
"Infact, I'm the one who should say it. I'm sorry." She said quietly.
He looked at her.
"I'm so sorry, Zaydaan. I'm sorry that I love you, I'm sorry that I thought I could make you love me. I'm sorry that I thought I could make a home in your heart."
Her voice shook and the tears she had managed to keep at bay, the ones she was so tired of, they came rushing back.
"I'm sorry that I'm pathetic and weak, I'm sorry that I'm not like her, I'm sorry that you married me, and I'm sorry that I've stayed after all the things you've said to me."
Zaydaan didn't say anything as his wife let out her frustration.
"I'm sorry I stayed when you said 'my dear wife, I'll still fuck you' like I was a street whore. I'm sorry that I stayed after you left me naked because you thought it was an appropriate punishment. I'm sorry that I didn't say anything every time you insulted me."
"And I'm sorry that I fell in love with you after all that happened, because deep down I knew that a part of you cared. But I guess I was wrong."
"So, I'm sorry Zaydaan. I'm so so sorry."
She apologised, but it felt like his entire life was the mistake here.
_______________________________________
When he finally tells her he loves her.
Your pain comes out in your words and it really hurts to hear them, is this my love for you? That feel hurt because you're hurt. I can see through you, I can see the grief, the sadness, the love. And I can see kindness, goodness and your bravery. You're more than you think. You have courage and you're kind. You really are a gift. I'm sorry it took me so long to realise your actual worth, my wife
This entire journey of my life, I have loved, I have lost, I have gained and I have made mistakes, I have wronged you and I don't know how I'll make it upto you.
But what I do know is the fact that you deserve to know how I feel about you, even when it's hard for me to say it to you.
Zaydaan took a deep breath and turned her around to face him, he laced his fingers with hers and stared at her.
"You take very soothing breaths when you sleep, like someone has you sleeping in a feather bed, and you smile in your sleep if I touch you, or hold you." He started off, smiling as if it was the most beautiful thing ever.
Zaydaan remembered the nights where he would be working, or be on call with some person on some issue and he would randomly look at her, and his eyes would force him to stop and stare.
And if he would caress her cheek or even put a hand on her head, she would smile in her sleep.
"And you mumble a lot at times, in your sleep." He continued, and Aaina listened, confused to the core with a warmth seeping in her heart.
"And you like being kissed near your neck, because everytime I kiss you, you lean a little up so I'd go there but I don't, so you sigh and don't say anything."
So he had noticed, he noticed her and what she liked and what she didn't like.
"And you look very beautiful when you wear violet, but you don't like the color too much so you hardly wear it."
Aaina stared at him like a crazy person, as he spoke more and more.
"You miss your mother, that's why you spend alot of time with mama, to fill that void and you love your sister to much that I catch you praying for her in your namaz."
How the hell did he know all these things? When had he observed all this?
"You pretend to be asleep when I'm leaving for office but I know that you recite ayat ul kursi and blow it on me the moment I leave."
Aaina didn't understand how he had caught her doing that, her head was always under the duvets and she would literally peek for a second and blow the verse on him before covering herself.
Zaydaan rubbed his fingers on her palm, she felt how cold he was.
"You get nervous before any big event so you pray two nafals the night before. You like when I tell you to hold my hand, it makes you feel safe."
A tear slipped out of her eye as she heard him speak.
How beautiful was it, to be noticed when you never thought you would get noticed like that?
"You get scared of the lightning sometimes and you don't want me to know so you pretend to be asleep and you hold me so I wouldn't know that you're scared. But I do."
Aaina let out a deep breath, staring at Zaydaan, gulping and overwhelmed by his mere words.
"Why are you, how do you, I mean," Zaydaan interrupted, cupping the side of her face and making her stop talking.
He spoke again.
"I don't express alot, but you make me want to express all that I have inside of me." He whispered.
Aaina didn't know how to feel, the only thing she felt right now was the fast pace of her heart beat and a weird warmth.
"You said that you're not worthy but truth is that your love has increased my worth. You've made my life better, you've brightened it with your light."
I'm here, I love you.
I'm going to tell you that I do. I don't know the extent of my love but I want to have children with you, I want to travel and conquer the world with you, I want to run a damn country with you, I want to sleep by your side every night, I want to wake upto you every morning, I want to feel you by my side when I'm in pain and I want you to be the one to heal it all.
And I want you to feel all that with me.
So that's the extent of my love.
But how do I tell it to you? How do I say it? I've been so strong, so firm, how do I cower down now?
Is expressing love really cowering down though? It's not. Is it?
"And I want you to know that,"
He started, Aaina looked at him in expectation.
Zaydaan put a hand on hers, the same one that she had put on his chest.
"Aaina, I'm sorry for all the hurt that I've caused you. But I hope that my love can heal all those wounds." He stated.
It's not easy, it's not easy to forgive you, I'll never forget the pain you have caused me. But if you say it, if you tell me that you do, I'll not say a word. I'll love you without any regret. So say it.
She looked at him, eyes hoping to hear it once and for all.
"And.."
Aaina let out a sad chuckle.
"Come on, it's not so hard. Is it? I'm not so bad, am I?"
Upon hearing her ask something in such an insecure way, Zaydaan clicked his tongue.
She had no idea how wrong she was
"You're not, you're so fucking good. I'm the bad guy in this love story." He admitted.
Aaina let out a smile.
"Love story?" She questioned.
He let out a chuckle.
"You really want me to say it, hmm?" Zaydaan enquired with a playful grin.
She rolled her eyes.
"I'll leave you if you don't." She warned.
"You technically can't." He teased.
Aaina shook her head.
She could never understand this man. This man truly had the audacity to poke fun at the one time when she wanted him to be serious.
She turned around, ready to leave.
"Wait, I'm kidding."
He held her wrist yet again, pulling her back towards him.
Lips on her forehead, words whispered like the wind.
"I love you,"
Her heart beat fast, lips parted in shock, eyes shed tears in pain and relief, she felt his lips near her cheeks, kissing away her salty tears.
"I love you." Another kiss on her cheek.
And finally, a peck on the lips, words spoken too slow, lips touching with each other.
"And I love you." He whispered, yet again.
For once, Aaina chose to simply feel the words and not say them back, she chose to absorb, to understand, to really, simply feel.
Aaj sirf ye mehsoos karna chahti hoon ke kesa lagta hai. Jab aap kisi se be intehaa muhabbat karo aur wo muhabbat aap ko wapis mile. Aaj sirf mehsoos karna hai mujhe, aur kuch nahin.
|I just want to feel today. How it truly feels to be loved back, I just want to feel|
And she smiled.
"Okay," She murmured.
"Okay,"
She said again, blowing out a sigh from her mouth.
"And one more thing." Zaydaan continued.
Aaina looked at him.
What more can you say? This is all I've wanted to hear and more. I'll faint if I hear anything else.
"Yeah,"
"Aaina Zaydaan, I'll take your name like it's mine to take, because you're mine and I'm yours."
He promised, staring into her eyes like she was the only one who truly mattered.
She truly was.
"From this day, till the end of our days." He promised.
And she hoped, she prayed that this was the start to her happy life.
Maybe tragedies happen, just so good things can too.
_______________________________________