| meliorism |
chapter seventeen
❝ let the right one in ❞
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Rhena's head was pounding. It felt like someone had hit her over and over again, leaving the echo resonate in each corner. She tried to ignore it, or at least not pay attention to it, but each time she did that, she was hit by a more aggressive and harsher pulsing.
As if the pain was not enough, she had been getting snapshots of memories. Some were of her childhood, others more recent. But the thing was that she didn't remember living them. It was like she was watching a movie of her life go though her own eyes in someone else's position.
Rhena's eyes were fixated on the meds that were laying in her bed, taunting her. Although she had to take only one because it was a new prescription, she decided to take two, maybe that could help her.
She released a shaky breath and took them. Without thinking again, she swallowed them and got water quickly. Her gut was telling her to throw them back out, but she knew that it was for the best.
There was a knock on her door that made her freeze, for some reason, her mind immediately thought of danger. But she was in her home, she was safe. Everything was okay.
"Come in" she called out steadily. She thought her voice had not been loud enough, but the door opened, reveling Jax.
He entered the room like it was a foreign place, and perhaps it was. He never went into her room and she was just the same.
"Hey" he greeted quietly, pursing his lips. She noticed that he was holding a small purple bag, but decided it to focus on that and look at him instead.
"Hey" she quietly, and once he approached her bed, he looked at her, silently asking for permission to sit down. She nodded once and looked done, feeling the weight make the bed shift.
"I uhm" he cleared his throat, rubbing his neck as he tried to let out the right words. Neither looked at each other "I know I'm not the best one to go to...I'm not as clever in situations like Cade or as open as Asher but, I just wanted to tell you that if ever need to talk or something, I'm here"
Rhena pursed her lips tight, nodding slowly. It meant a lot to her that he was saying that, because it took a lot of courage to do it. It was brave to reach out for help as well as give it.
"I'm not good at consoling either" he chuckled humorously, taking out the content of the bag "but I got you a little something"
Jax took out a piece of plastic container, and she couldn't help but smile at seeing the piece of cheese cake with strawberry slices on top. He put it in front of her, leaving it next to her bag.
"I don't know how you feel, I probably never will, and I don't want you to think I feel pity, but I am sorry that you feel the way you do" he looked up, and their two green eyes connected, he smiled lightly, patting her leg "I wish I could do something to make you feel better"
"It's okay" she whispered, smiling lightly "you are doing it, even if you don't realize"
"You are my little sister, Rhena, we're family and I will always love you no matter what, what you are or what you want to be, I will be there for you" Jax smiled wider and she nodded, putting the dessert aside, she hugged him tight, exhaling a shaky breath.
"I love you too, Jaxon" she murmured against his jacket, and the two separated, smiling lightly at each other. She couldn't help but see her father's face in him, but she threw away the thought, not wanting to remember him.
"When you're ready, I'll be downstairs, I'll drive you to your class" Jax stood up from the bed, once she nodded, he left the room, leaving alone with her thoughts once again.
Rhena glanced a the phone next to her when a notification of a message came up. Elena. She repressed the urge to roll her eyes and bit her tongue inside, trying to focus on something else.
She had been ignoring the brunette for the day, not wanting to talk to her just yet. She was angry and felt like Elena was using her somehow, but it wasn't a strange feeling and certainly will never be when it came to that town.
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Rhena's hand was twitching, her nails hitting the end of her notebook silently while she listened to the professor. The rain was pouring outside, but that didn't stop the majority of the class to come. It was filled with two side intentions. The ones who were there to learn and the ones who were there for a little distraction.
She tried not to notice the lust in the eyes of the people around her, but she couldn't help it, she was quiet and observant. The people weren't so subtle about it ether. It was like the second they stepped into the building, they were other people. Little town and big secrets, equaled bigger liars.
Inhaling deeply, she felt her fingers moving in a gracious way, always like a coping mechanism. The familiarity of it made her feel better, and although she was having a war inside her head most of the time, she played it cool. Nothing was happening as far as the world couldn't see. This was a toxic trait, it was something she needed to work on, but she had time, and like everything else, she could fix it, step by step, little by little.
Rhena wrote down as many notes as she could, although she liked to write, she was more excited to put the knowledge in practice. She was happy that whatever she was feeling didn't took away one of the few things that kept her sane.
From the corner of her eye, she saw movement and felt the burning gaze of someone's eyes lingering in her body. She felt sick, as she came to the realization of who was looking at her.
She tried her best to ignore it, but it was a feeling you couldn't shake. It made her stomach turn and revolve. A feeling of uncomfortableness so strong that almost made her shake.
The voices around her were loud and clear in her ears, making her head hurt a little more. She gulped the swallowed the pain, she couldn't hide forever in room, if things were going to be better, she needed to start somewhere. That's why when the practice part of the lesson came, she was one of the first ones to grab the materials instead of waiting in the corner.
Ignoring all the glister of judgness in her direction, she took the materials in both of her pale shaky hands and walked towards a table. Luckily for her, she could work alone, due to the teacher noticing her anxiety in group projects. She could work in her own space and pace, nothing was better than that.
However, just because she was allowed to work on her own, that didn't mean others weren't allow to approach. That's why when she heard people coming her way, she became rigid.
A group of people positioned themselves in seats around her, some giving her a look, other not paying attention to her. She prayed not to have the attention of that man upon her, but like always, luck was not on her side.
The man, Daniel, always gave her a strange aura. It was like she could sense something was off about it, from the start, she knew she had to be away from him. Perhaps it was the tedious smiles he send her, the urgency to be too nice to her, the way he always tried to touch her shoulder or back. Or perhaps it was the way he looked at her.
What it was more repulsive was the fact that no one had ever said anything.
Rhena always tried to keep her distance, but never said anything about how the man's actions made her feel. She felt ashamed and embarrassed, and didn't want anyone to look at her in a pitiful way, or to say that it was her fault or that she was misinterpreting things. It wasn't her fault, but why did she felt that way?
During the rest of the class, people converse and did the work, that was to examine blood the hospital had kindly provided them with a few samples donated by the people. She had always been intrigued by it. The color, the smell, the secrets behind it. There was so much information and history inside a single drop of blood, so much behind a single vessel. She was driven to learn and know about it.
She was so focused on her work that didn't notice the sudden presence next to her. It wasn't until she felt a hand on her mid back that she flinch and looked up, almost dropping the pen in her hand.
She was greeted by a tight smile, too wide for her liking. Something in the back on her head was going off, and all her senses were on alert. Immediately, she became stiff and her body was tensed. This was danger.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you" he smiled as his eyes tried to find hers, but her only responde was to scoot a little over, trying to get his hand off her.
"It's alright" she muttered, giving him a fake quick smile. Once his hand was away from her, she looked away, but he didn't moved, only causing her more anxiety.
"What have you found?" he asked, pointing at the notes scrabble in her notebook where she was documenting her findings. This was something he had been doing for a while, trying to be nice and ask her loads of questions, she evading every single one.
"Uhm, not much, I'm still working" she mumbled, looking down at her paper. She felt her heart pound rapidly against her ribcage, threatening to come out, along with the pumping blood on her ears go swim more definitely.
"Do you need help?" his tone was low, and without warning, he stood a little closer to her. She couldn't even gulp properly due to how uncomfortable she was.
"No" she whispered in a panicked way, pursing her lips as she tried not to breathe heavily "please go away"
"Don't be like that" he chuckled, but didn't obey her request, he got closer, like a predator closing in on its prey, fragile and scared due to them knowing their fate "let me help you"
"No" she shook her head and scoot over a little more, even though she was already on the edge.
"If you let me help, we can—"
"No!" Rhena spoke loudly, almost jumping from her seat. Her breath got hitched, noticing what she had done.
The whole room fell in a dead silence, their eyes falling on the situation. But still, no one said anything. She wanted to get out or the room, she wanted to cry.
"A guy can't come and ask for a pen anymore!" Daniel joked, making the rest of the class laugh. He dismissed the situation like he was not trying to get near her enough to touch her.
Rhena's face fell, now she was the villain in the story. She looked up and saw all the looks of disapproval given to her, and she slowly sat down and looked at her notebook.
Soon, the room began to fill with noises and voices again, but she did not listen. Her heart was pounding, and it hurt so much that she was barely able to sit there stable.
She tried to take small breaths and calm herself, but it wasn't working. She tried to maintain her confidence and act like everything was alright, but someone could take so much.
In a fast move, she began to gather all her stuff. Before anyone could blink, she was already marching towards the door, bag hanging on her shoulder and jacket on hand.
"Rhena!" the voice of her professor was behind her, but she didn't look back, not at him, not at anyone.
She walked the corridors in a quick pase, and once she arrived at the restroom, she almost lunged at the door. She checked the stalls, making sure they were empty, and when she got to the last one, and fell down.
Using her jacket as a carpet, she sat in the floor and put her knees up to her chest. She rested her head on top of them and closed her eyes, releasing shaky breath.
She felt drain. Her body was giving her shocks of pain, it was what she imagined going through tortured was like, pain coming from all ways. It wasn't her pain, but it was with her somehow.
The lights of the room began to feel a little more brighter, hurting her eyes and skin. She release a deep sigh and covered her ears when the zooming noise came back, but still not opening her eyes.
All she ever wanted to do was to live a peaceful life, not in a world where she was constantly hurting. This was another stone thrown at her walls, and soon, her whole house was going to shatter, revealing and leaving her raw and unprotected.
That was all it had to take for her to realize that there was more than that town, more to that life, more to her. Just a little push, and she could be off the edge, where the air was lighter and easy to breath.
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Rhena was panicking. Something was telling her to go out and do something, an overwhelming feeling of action. She didn't understand where that was coming from, if there was danger, why was she going to do against it?
She sighed and continued to try and read her book. But she got distracted easily, causing her to go back and read the same paragraph over and over again.
Before she could try and find another activity for her entrainment, her phone rang.
Lately, she didn't receive any message, let alone calls. For a moment she thought it was Elena and was about to turn off her phone, but once she saw Caroline's name plastered in the screen, she furrowed her eyebrows.
Rhena took her phone in hand and accepted the call, confused "Caroline?"
"Rhena" the blonde's voice was agitated, and she instantly knew something was wrong "i'm so sorry"
"Sorry?" she asked, frowning, her eyes looked around the room as she wonder what was she apologizing for "for what? What happened? It's everything okay?"
"You don't...oh my god" she said in a realization once she knew that Rhena didn't know what had happened or what she had discovered "Rhena...it's Vicki"
Perhaps she could had been happy or at least a little content to hear about the older girl, it had been a while since she had left town. She wanted to talk to her and laugh at her bad jokes, she had always made her feel older and confident. But as soon as that sparkle came, it left. If Vicki was back, she would have called her or come to see her. Why would Caroline call?
Rhena came to the realization that something bad had happened, and her questions were soon answered when the door to her room opened. She looked up and Cade in distressed, trying to mask it with a serious look on his face. Rhena knew that face.
The same face her father had the day he told her that her mother was not coming back. The same face her brother had when he said their father was not going to answer the phone for a while. The same face her aunt had when she said that bad things were going to happen, and she had to endure it. She knew that face, it meant trouble, bad news.
She knew it too well.
Rhena tried to suppress the tears coming down her face, she tried to have a strong face and look put together, but not hard enough. As she entered the house, she tried to wipe away her tears, but to no avail.
The first people she saw were the Gilbert siblings and Tyler, and without hesitation, she hugged them. It was strange it their eyes, she had been distant and vague around everyone, but there she was, comforting them like she had not lost someone too. It was like the Rhena they all knew was back for the night.
She hugged and kissed on the cheek at the three, and soon moved to the living room, where Kelly and Jenna were. The girl hugged the woman lightly, and smiled at Jenna, no words needed to be exchanged.
She moved to the hallway, where Caroline was already exiting. The two girls stopped and looked at each other, but Caroline did not make a comment towards her puffy and red eyes, neither did Rhena. The girls smiled lightly at each other and the blonde moved to allow her to enter the remaining of the corridor.
Taking a deep breath, Rhena entered the room of the deceased girl, where she knew Matt was there. The aura of the room felt heavy, and it was slowly reminding her to breathe, something it was getting hard to do.
Matt didn't have to look up to know who it was, the same coconut scent was always the same with her. She slowly approached and sat next to him, not saying anything. The tears were slowly coming down, warm and salty, adorning her pale, sickly face.
Rhena put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. Her eyes wondered around the room until she saw a section full of photographs.
There were not many, but in all of them it had Vicki, smiling brightly. She tried not to remember the day of that photo being taken, or all those times she was in that room, where Vicki showed her new music, explained to her things that her older brother and Jenna couldn't. Where she learned party tricks and let out ugly laughs. Another member of her family gone.
She was so focused on the picture that didn't noticed Matt moving. It wasn't until she felt him hugging her that she hugged back, tightly. As her shoulder was being wet due to the tears of the boy, she looked back at the photograph.
There she was, younger Rhena and Vicki, smiling at the camera the older girl had just a bought. The two were smiling so wide it made their cheeks hurt, and for a moment, she became numb.
If life could take the ones she loved away easily, who was she to stop her?
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Rhena looked curiously at the displayed of weapons in front of her. All different shapes and sizes, but all with the same sole purpose.
She couldn't chose one, how could she? They were meant to hurt, and she had already done enough of that.
"What am I supposed to do?" Rhena asked out loud, raising her eyebrow lightly "I told you I wanted nothing to do with this plan of yours"
The woman laughed lightly, while the boy paced around the room, not paying attention to them as he was engulfed in thought, and the other girl was pretending to read in a chair not far from them. Rhena didn't laugh with the woman, instead, she remained still.
"You are supposed to chose one, silly" the woman smiled, but it did not reach her eyes "I know you have practice with them but I want you to excel, you have to be better than the others, it's your destiny—"
This time, it was Rhena's time to laugh. This caught the attention of the other two teenagers in the room. They looked at the woman for a response, only to find already a distasteful look on her face. Their gazes returned to Rhena, already knowing what was going to happen.
"Juliet—"
"Rhena" she interrupted, looking up at the eyes of the woman who were the same color as hers "my name's Rhena"
"Rhena" Morgana smiled tightly, although it was fake, no one could tell, no one could ever tell "I need you to chose one"
"Why? So what happened last time can happen again? no, I will not—"
"Chose one!" The woman yelled and the walls trembled along with the three teenagers. Rhena's eyes widen and watched the woman in disbelief, taking a step back. Once she took note of what she did, she smiled again, looking calm "Rhena, you are part of this family, what happened was just a small slipped in your mechanism, nothing we can't fix"
"I don't want to be fixed" Rhena furrowed her eyebrows, looking at the woman with a feeling of distrust suddenly taking "why should I be fixed?"
Morgana closed her eyes and exhaled. Once she opened her eyes again, she turned around and looked at the other girl in the room. The brunette suddenly became aware of the attention she so much longed, and was standing up before she knew it. The woman looked at the boy, who looked down, already knowing his part.
The older woman turned back around to face Rhena, but before she could apologize for her tone or what she had said, she screamed in pain.
Looking down at her arms, she was being restrained by dark lashes that burned into her skin, leaving red and bloody marks. Suddenly, she felt the oxygen being reprimanded as a bubble of water was placed around her head. She immediately looked up and saw the blue and black glowing eyes of her closest friends with their hands raised at her, obeying the woman who was supposed to be her family.
"Start her over" the muffled voice of her aunt bargained in, and with a blurry, she saw her leaving the room. Another girl entered the room, raising her hands as she was commanded to start the process again.
"Wait!" Rhena tried to yell loud, but not loud enough "I'm sorry, I'll do it, but please, don't—"
As the black space clouded her vision, she closed her eyes. Soon, she was getting into a never ending process where she had to find herself, once again.
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