It's been a week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 694,800. 801. 802. 803 seconds.
But it feels like a lifetime.
There's been a lot of crying and keeping busy. I only left the house to go to the shops. I did write a song though. That's my accomplishment.
I always found peace in sitting down and letting my fingers skim over the chords. Adding lyrics and creating a song. It's something that still astonishes me. A skill i'm lucky to have acquired. I have fond memories of my dad playing the guitar while I sang along with my mum.
So here I am at 3am sitting in my old room. The only source of light streaming in from the bathroom. I'm curled up on the window seat, one foot dangling out of the window. It's a peaceful night yet I can't sleep. I begin to play the chords that i've familiarised myself with over the last few days. I silently hum along. Then gradually give in to the urge to sing along.
"Da da da da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
To be with myself and center clarity, peace, serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Big girls don't cry
The path that I'm walking I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
I hope you know, I hope you know
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late and dark outside
I need to be with myself and center clarity, peace, serenity
La da da da da da"
I placed my guitar beside me and just looked at the stars. That song really applied to all of this and I guess it's the one good thing I can take out of this whole experience. I have a few memories but they're just too painful so i'll do what I do best and just block it out.
I'm leaving in a few hours. Starting over. I can just forget all of this........i'm just hoping it will be that simple.
A creek made my head snap towards the door. I silently walked towards my bed and picked up the baseball bat that I always had for protection. I slowly made my way downstairs, letting my eyesight adjust to the darkness before making a move.
Due to my lack of sight i'm fully dependant on my other senses. I feel weight shift to my right. I held my breath in order to see if I could feel or hear their breathing. I can. I'm 100% certain so with all my force I swing the bat to the right and come into contact with someone. I don't have a lot of time so I run to the switch and turn the light on. The body now becomes completely visible.
It's a man about 6"1 with blondish hair. I slowly approached him. Not making any sudden movement or loud noises. I thought he was unconscious but I heard him groan so I sped up. I used my foot to roll him over and firmly place my foot on his throat. Not applying pressure.....yet.
When he opened his eyes I was shocked.
"Holy Shit Lexi. Well at least I know you can handle yourself. Fuck that hurts. Nice swing."
I backed up and dropped the bat. No, no, no. How did he find me.
"Zach what the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?"
He slowly stood up before ignoring all my questions.
"Luke is a complete mess. Worse than he was 5 months ago and that was bad. All he's been doing is drinking and using his Alpha voice to command our warriors to fight him. He's not eating and the only time he sleeps is when he passes out. The entire pack is in chaos and we might get attacked."
He took a step forward.
"Don't you see the pack needs you. We need you. Luke needs you."
I just scoffed.
"Yeah he needs me. He needs me to be so powerful. He does not want me and to be quite honest I do not want to go back. I've learned by my mistakes. Zach he kissed a other girl in front of me last week. I can tolerate a lot of things but one thing I promised myself is that I would never stay with a cheater no matter what. I have broken so many personal rules with you all. And i'm finally facing all the consequences. I just can't do it. Plus i'm leaving in a few hours."
He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.
"Uh yeah about that"
I wanna see your peacock -cock -cock I wanna see
I dashed for my phones
"hello"
"hey Al sorry if I woke you up but there has been a change of plans. Instead of flying home and risking injuring yourself more you will be on placement there. A young man named Zachary will be there early in the morning to collect you."
My jaw dropped. I quietly thanked him and hung up. "I'm sorry but you can't leave."
As a Marine I can't deny an order and they know that. And i've been ordered to go with Zach.
This is why I don't tell people things. They found my weakness and used it to their advantage. If I hadn't have said anything. If I pushed them away maybe i'd be back with my family, Training.
Is this some sick joke?
"Please Lex Please. We need our Luna back. We need our friend back. We want you back."
I walked into my room and got him some pillows. He just smiled and settled on the couch. Might as well try to get a bit of sleep before I face them all.
They can have their friend back. They can have their Luna back until this is all sorted out. But I don't know if Luke will ever get his mate back.
This is only temporary. I'll be on my way as soon as I knock some sense into Luke. So we can all move on. I'll always be that broken human girl.
The real question ringing in the back of my mind.
"Am I still not good enough?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My hands are shaking. I've yet to determine whether that's due to my nerves or the weather. It's cold. It's dark. It's raining. It's definitely a curl up on the couch in your pyjamas day.
Zach and I woke up at 7 am. It takes about two hours to drive the "right way" back to the pack house. Zach has been trying to make conversation the entire way but I was too busy caught up in my own thoughts. I've made my decision. I'm going back to my comfort zone, my roots. I'm a Marine through and through. I'm only going back to train them and that's exactly what i'm going to do. No feelings, no special treatment. Strictly business.
I pulled into a diner. I need something to eat and now otherwise Zack and I won't be arriving together. The smell hit me like a ton of bricks. "Lexi you're drooling." I gave him a weak smile and he lit up like a christmas tree.
When the woman placed my plate in front of me I was ready to kiss her.
"So uh Lex"
"Look Zach I don't know why you're doing this. I don't know why all of this has happened but one thing I do know is that I have been ordered to train your pups and warriors. So that's exactly what i'm going to do. Things have changed. No more happy little families."
"But"
"No Zach No. As soon as i'm given the all clear i'm gone. Nothing and no one will stop me. I've been through enough. I'm only here for one reason and that is to train."
He winced and nodded his head in defeat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So i've been driving for about half an hour.
"Shot through the heart and you're to blame. Darling you give love a bad name."
Oh the iorny. Although Bon Jovi is damn good I really want to strangle him at the moment.
It just got really awkward. Zach decided to speak up as I turned down the radio trying to avoid the giant elephant suffocating us in the car.
"You don't know how much you mean to us do you?" I was quite shocked. That's not what I expected. I expected him to ask me about what happened.
"You mean because i'm 'Luna' and am needed to make the Alpha stronger. The fact that i'm meant to keep the peace and be a mother to all? If so then I don't see anything that another girl couldn't provide."
"You are so wrong. Sure as our Luna you're meant to be firm but kind. Show compassion for all and look after the pack. But you. You're different. None of us wanted the typical Luna. We're not that kind of pack. Take Luke for example. Most Alpha's want a quiet submissive mate who will do what they say but not Luke. He wanted a girl who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to fight for it. He wants you. When we found out that you were our Luna it all made sense. You Lexi. No one else. You hold so much power. From Your own strength, what you've been through and who you are not some stupid title. Look just please don't leave us."
I took a deep breath. They really are making sure nothing is left aren't they. I'm already broken but somehow keep cutting myself on the shards left behind.
"I won't leave.....Until i'm finished. I promise you that but it's all i'm going to promise. I never make a promise I can't keep. Unlike some people. But after that i'm gone."
I wonder if he caught my double meaning but i'm hoping that he'll just look over it.
I pulled into the drive. There's no turning back now. No where to run and hide. I'm going to do this with my head held high. I have nothing to be ashamed of.......
This is what they've done to me, this is what i've done to myself. From a fighter to ...... Well this. But that's all going to change.
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Author's Note :
The song is "Big Girls Don't Cry" - Fergie but i've taken bits out of it.
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