IT HAD BEEN three weeks since going back to Atlanta. Three weeks. Ella couldn't fathom the fact that they lost two people within that time frame, seemingly almost losing herself in the process after what happened in that house at Richmond yet she was still here with everyone else, keeping her secret clutched tightly to her chest with no means of telling anyone. The one exception being Glenn when she found the right moment, when they were safe and no one was going to kill her if the secret got out by an accident. If she told anyone else, they would kill her moments after. They would hold her down on the ground against her will and put that bullet in her head. So, she kept it hidden and she kept it a secret despite the heat getting to her every now and then.
She might've told everyone if she got a fever from it, but nothing even happened. She was fine. She was only petrified of what was going to happen to her, she didn't want to end up like the rest of their friends. Functioning yet dead with no conscience to keep her intact, decaying and feasting on the living. She had nightmares of turning into a walker every single night when she laid down and Glenn was always the one to comfort her, promising her with all his heart that she was going to be okay and that it was okay. It wasn't. She was walking with everyone in guilt. Guilt that she was still alive, but everyone was dead.
Whenever Ella looked at everyone here, she noticed that some of them had the same aura around them like she did as if they were keeping something a secret that shouldn't be a secret. They all held the look of guilt, the look of regret, the look of unhappiness. They all had it. Even the people they picked up along the way, none of them really every met Beth or Tyreese. They knew Ty better than they knew who Beth was. Yet she could see it on their faces that they were sad about both of their deaths whenever it was mentioned and referred to. Tyreese was much more relatable than Beth was. It didn't really make sense. But to Ella that made her feel worse.
How would they react if they told them about all the others who've died along the way to get to where they are now. Would they feel the same about Lori's death? Shane? Dale? Jim? Laura? Morales? Sophia? Hershel? Probably, she grimaced. To even think about mourning for a stranger made her feel weird. She didn't know who they were, what they were like, what they had done. She knew nothing about those people they lost themselves on the way to Washington.
Carol and Daryl left to find food and water more specifically to find food for Judith. To let a child be famished and to starve is like killing a puppy. It isn't right. It's wrong. With the way things are now though, it may as well be normal to let a child get to that point before they find food in a local grocery store. Ella wondered what Lori thought when she found out she was pregnant near that tree at the farmhouse. Did she feel remorse? Did she think about the life Judith was going to live when she peed on that sick? Ella frowned. Beth was so right about her being selfish except Lori never intended for it to happen. It wasn't her fault. Or Shane's.
It was only a matter of time. . .
"Why don't you take off that jacket?" Michonne snapped Ella out of her thoughts. She was staring heavily at Ella, all the sweat beading at her neck. "It's one-hundred degrees out here. You're going to be sick from the heat soon."
Ella thought of an excuse. "It's making me feel safe. No walker can bite through it while I'm asleep or running for my life from them." Ella replied, staring at Rick and Judith walking ahead of everyone else on the road. They were the most vulnerable right now, the same for Gerard, Yasmine and Harley. Usually, the ones in the front or the back are the ones to be taken out first in a big group like this.
"Seems like an excuse to keep something hidden." Michonne smirked, raising her eyebrows.
"What?" Ella looked at her.
Michonne put her hands in her pockets, walking a little funky and a little sideways. "Have you and Glenn. . ." she trailed off.
Ella knew exactly what she was getting at. "That's none of your business, but no, we haven't. We've only kissed." she informed.
Michonne slowly nodded. "Huh."
Ella looked at her like she was weird. "Yeah." she shook her head, glancing back and forth between her and her jacket but she kept on walking even after her and Sasha stopped following the group to talk about the walkers, or something like that.
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IT WAS TIME to take care of the small herd in Rick's words. They were getting annoying supposedly and they weren't going to stop following them until they were dead on the ground. The herd was only going to grow bigger if they allowed to keep on like this. At some point, the walkers would catch up and kill each and every single one of them for lollygagging around or for a slip up in other words. The ones who were at risk stood on the other side of the bridge from where the people who weren't really at risk. The ones who weren't stood in lines of five on adjoined sides, waiting for the walkers to get closer to push them off underneath the bridge.
In the line, each person took turns pushing a walker down beneath the bridge to keep it all even so not just one person was taking it all at once. It was very balancing and smart of Rick to think. Nothing was going to take a toll on someone if they worked like this with how everyone's physical and mental states were. Perfect representation of balance.
Ella grabbed a walker, her footing almost slipping with the few other walkers down there already as she threw them down the hill toward the water. She watched it tumble as she headed to the back of the line and Sasha walked to the front with only revenge on her mind.
"Sasha." Rick cautioned. Ella turned and watched as Sasha held the walker in her arms, taking out her knife and digging it into its brain. She sighed. Rick took out his machete. "Make sure no one gets flanked."
Abraham sighed. "Plan just got dicked." he took out his knife.
Ella walked forward and sent her knife upward into a walker, pushing the walker toward where his friends were laying. She watched Sasha almost stab Michonne in the face, her heart leaping. Ella plunged her knife into an oncoming walker, pushing him down. It continued like that. Sasha cut Abraham, made Harley trip because she thought Sasha was going to kill her, and almost killed Michonne again while everyone else continued stabbing the walkers skulls over and over again until there was nothing left but the group and the walker corpses lying face down on the ground.
Ella stared at Sasha for she was completely tired from that ordeal. Sasha needed to get a grip on herself. She couldn't be putting everyone else's lives on the line here. It was pathetic. It was the Tyreese being wrecked over Karen all over again. Except there was no Ty, only his dumb sister being a wreck over him. Ella headed back to everyone else waiting for them, not wanting to hear her explain.
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"DAD, LOOK!" CARL smiled when they came over the horizon to see loads of cars just sitting there, almost waiting for the group to find them. Ella was happy they found something to get them off their feet, something that could keep them safe if they wanted to sleep in them tonight. She couldn't wait until she got warm underneath some blankets the former owners of these cars might've left before they died or abandoned their cars to run from the diseased people coming onto them. She felt bad she was taking away something that was once someone else's but they might've liked that they were helping people in need.
Daryl wasn't hesitant to say what was on his mind to get away from these people. He needed yet another break from all of the most insane people here with him, from the people they randomly picked up along the way, from the people who utterly annoyed the hell out of him. "I'm gonna head into the woods, circle back." he informed. He wasn't asking anyone.
Yasmin nodded. "Could I come with? I need to step away for a little." she whispered.
He reluctantly nodded. "Yeah, I'd prefer to be alone, so we can split off somewhere. . . if you'd like."
She nodded, before they both headed into the woods. Ella glanced at a red faced Gerard. He seemed pissed. Did they get into an quiet argument, one that no one heard? She wouldn't ask him about it in case it was a sensitive topic. She knew that if she just got done fighting with someone she wouldn't want someone to immediately ask if she was okay (she did that a lot to people and they did that to her, too, though). She ended up following him to a car parked further away from the rest of the cars.
It was a painfully ugly yellow Chevrolet Corvette, a pretty fast car. Her uncle had one similar to it and it was a lot prettier than this thing. It still even had its black rims still on. Probably the nicest thing on the car out of anything she could've picked out from the car. She didn't like the inside though. It had those ugly car seat covers all bunched up in one place on each of the seats. She frowned, only to remember that these people who once sat in here could've been fighting for their lives.
Gerard opened the car to find the car spotless, mind you there was blood on the passenger seat, but it was spotless other than that. Ella opened the back seat of the car and started looking around for anything of value to them these days. She moved a piece of ripped off fabric to the side, her hand shaking from how anxious she's been these past few weeks with how things have been, what she's gone through. She picked up a small box underneath the fabric, opening it up and seeing there was supposed to be a gun inside but it was gone. She picked up a long cylinder shaped object, looking inside the small hole at the end.
"That's a gun suppressor," Gerard took it from her hands, giving it a good look. "Surprised to see they left it behind. It would work wonders. Not a single breathing thing, dead or alive, would hear that firing. You would actually be able to use a gun without attracting attention instead of using your knife all the time." he explained to her, handing it back over. "If you want, we can put it on your gun." he shrugged.
She nodded. "Sure. Sounds good." she got out of the back seat with the suppressor, walking around to the trunk with Gerard. She handed him her gun and the suppressor.
He began his work on putting it on. "You know, its pretty easy to put this thing on, so I'm gonna pretend its the hardest thing ever just to talk to you."
Ella laughed, glancing away. She saw Glenn and Maggie standing next to a car, his knife squelching the undeads flesh. "What did you wanna talk about?" she asked him.
"How have you been? You've been quite pale since Richmond. I don't know if its just malnourishment, or. . . yeah." he slowly started twisting on the suppressor.
"I've been okay." she lied, placing her hands on the trunk. He gave her a look that said 'I know you're lying'. She sighed. "Look, can I tell you something? You-you can't tell anyone else. I wanted Glenn to be the first one to tell but I don't know how it would go. I don't even know how it's gonna go with you. If you're gonna hurt me-"
He was so baffled that he cut her off. "What? Why the hell would I-"m
She cut him off. "Just listen, please," she turned her back to everyone else, rolling up her sleeve. The wound didn't look fresh, it looked very old. It definitely wasn't recent. So when she showed him, he was confused because of how it looked. "I was bitten in Richmond when I found all that food that we ended up losing because we were trying to save Tyreese." she bit her lip.
He gasped, his fingers touching the old wound out of curiosity. "That was three weeks ago."
"I know. It doesn't make sense," she rolled her sleeve back down. "Every night since then I've been waiting to turn. I've been waiting to get sick so that I can say my goodbyes and shoot myself in the head so no one has to do it. I've been waiting for my turn. But it hasn't come," tears welled up in her eyes. "It's not fair because almost everyone has died from being bitten, yet here I am. I survived a bite and I don't even know exactly why. I. . ." she started crying, bringing her hand up to her eyes. "I'm sorry."
Gerard looked down at the gun. He hesitated a few times before he ended up bringing her in for a hug. He didn't know why either. It didn't make sense. He remembered watching his fiancée slowly die from the infection and the fever after she was bit. But he met this girl and she's still here standing and unfazed by it. "You're immune." he suddenly told her.
Ella pulled away with tears still dripping down her face. She didn't say anything because how would one respond to something like that?
"I know it sucks but you are immune whether you or anyone else likes it or not."
"But how could I tell everyone this after keeping it a secret for so long?"
"You just say fuck it and tell them at the right time. I'll there with you to defend you and to help you. So will Glenn. He might not know but I think looking at him might bring up your confidence to say it." he pointed at her. "I promise promise promise that no one will hurt you as long as I'm right there. If Rick gets too close to you with his gun, I will fucking shoot him in the heart and dare anyone to try what he tried." he whispered.
Ella began crying again except this time with a smile. "Thank you. Really. Thank you."
He nodded.
"Now, is everything okay with you and Yasmin over there?"
He let out a big sigh as the suppressor clicked on the gun. "Yeah. She's just having problems about the hospital in Atlanta still. I think everyone is though." he answered simply.
"That's true. I don't blame her. We still don't even know what actually happened. If they were ever abused. Harley won't say anything. Carol wasn't in there long enough to know." Ella watched him rub his finger to make sure it was actually on there.
"Yeah, but what can we do, go back?" he laughed. "No way."
Ella nodded in agreement. "Yep. No can do."
"Anyway. Here you go. Good as new."
Ella rolled her eyes. "You weren't even fixing it. You were modifying it."
Gerard backed away. "The brain says what it says."
She scoffed.
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THEY ATE DOG. That was disgusting. Everyone just sat there in silence and ate it after it accidentally stumbled upon them. Leave it to Daryl to say 'let's eat him' and give Glenn a stank look which was really racist. Ella took one bite of the dog and threw it up. She ended up taking a little walk with Glenn to refresh her brain of the images. She would never look at a dog the same way ever again without remembering she ate one of his fellow friends he never met before. When they got back after walking in silence, she noticed everyone had ate their share and even ate what she didn't. She wouldn't look at them the same anymore either.
They didn't take any of the cars. So after they were done eating, they started walking yet again with barely any water and food with them. They all stood in a circle as they waited for Daryl to come back from looking for water. Rick held a note in his hands that read 'from a friend'. When the leaves crunched, he knew it was Daryl. He turned and handed it to his long time friend. Daryl read the note and took off his crossbow. Tara sighed, "What else are we gonna do?" she asked.
"Not this," Rick replied nonchalantly. "We don't know who left it."
"If that's a trap, we already happen to be in it. But, I, for one, would like to think it is indeed from a friend." Eugene poked at the water jugs sitting on the road with his foot.
Michonne brushed her shoulder. "What if it isn't? They put something in it?" she asked out loud.
Everyone stared at the water jugs they were dying for. Eugene went in for it and took a water bottle.
"Eugene!"
"What are you doing, dude?"
Eugene unscrewed the cap. "Quality assurance."
Before he could even get a drop of water, Abraham knocked it from his hands with an angry look on his face. Everyone ended up staring at Abraham.
"We can't." Rick plainly spoke. He scratched his beard.
Ella felt a drop of water hit her face. She looked up to see how dark the clouds had gotten since Rick announced hours ago that it might rain soon. "Huh." she whispered to herself. That was when it started to heavily rain on them. She ended up smiling, holding her hand out to feel the touch of water. Something she hadn't felt on her bare skin since the prison. Even when they were purifying water weeks ago after Eugene broke the news, she didn't touch the water. This was a great thing though. Water.
Ella laughed and opened her mouth, the water falling right inside her mouth. She opened her eyes and some water fell directly in her eyes. For some reason it gave her relief as if she had something in her eyes which she more than likely did without even knowing it. Harley let out a happy scream and started twirling in the rain, taking her jacket off. Rosita and Tara laid on the wet road, laughing with each other.
Glenn took Ella's hand and forced her to crouch down with her. He smiled at her, flipping his wet hair back. He leaned in and granted her a sloppy kiss. She ended up laughing after the kiss, pulling him in for another. "Water, Glenn. Water." she laughed. He smiled at her, wiping water from his face. Ella looked up at Maggie and Sasha, they weren't amused in any way possible.
"Everyone get the bags. Anything you can find." Rick demanded of everyone. He walked over to Abraham and picked up a bag. "Come on." he yelled at Tara and Rosita, placing some water bottles on the ground to get some of that pure and good water. Ella pulled her water bottle from her jacket pocket and placed it next to all of the other water bottles. Loud claps of thunder got everyone to get up. "Let's keep moving!" Rick yelled.
Daryl turned to Rick. "There's a barn!"
"Where?"
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AFTER SEARCHING THROUGH the barn throughly for walkers and even some supplies, the group was either sleeping, almost asleep, or they were sitting with other people to talk. Ella sat by the fire with the majority of everyone else, Carl and Judith asleep on her lap. She played with his hair to keep her mind off the fact that if walkers were approaching they wouldn't know until it was banging against the door. She looked down at Carl. She wished she hadn't been so harsh on him after the farmhouse when he started to go through his phase of wanting to be an adult and grow out of his old self completely. He just wanted to be able to protect everyone else.
At least he had Judith to remind him he didn't need to be the way he used to be.
Rick glanced at them, a somber look on his face. She gave him a weak smile. "He's gonna be okay," Carol spoke up from where she sat. "He bounces back more than any of us do." she picked up a stick.
Rick nodded, drawing circles in the dirt. "I used to feel sorry for kids that have to grow up now. In this. But I think I got it wrong," he looked up from the ground. "Growing up is getting used to the world. This is easier for them."
Michonne drew her brows together. "This isn't the world. This isn't it."
Glenn looked at Ella, moving the wet stick in the fire around. He had a sad look on his face when their eyes locked. Ella pressed her lips together. "It might be," he and Rick shared a look. "It might."
"That's giving up." Michonne scoffed.
"It's reality."
Rick shook his head. "Until we see otherwise, this is what we have to live with."
Ella didn't exactly know what Rick was talking about. But she believed he meant that there wasn't no safe place and everyone was going to die, die protecting the children they bore. And until they found a permanent place, it was always going to only be about survival of the fittest. No one was going to see the end of the apocalypse come because not many believed there would be a good world after this. Ella knew she didn't. But she also knew she would like to have a life with Glenn and pretend that they weren't fighting to live.
Rick continued on. "When I was a kid. . . I asked my grandpa once if he ever killed any Germans in the war. He wouldn't answer. He said that was grown-up stuff, so. . . so I asked if the Germans ever tried to kill him. But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped into enemy territory. Every day he woke up and told himself, 'Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war'. And then after a few years of pretending he was dead. . . he made it out alive. That's the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do and then we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we'll be okay because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves. . . that we are the walking dead."
Daryl glanced around. "We ain't them." he stood up.
Rick looked at the hunter and tried to find his eyes. "We're not them, hey!" he forced Daryl to look at him. "We're not."
Daryl stared at Rick. "We ain't them."
I am, Ella thought. Ella rubbed her face, knowing that this was the right moment when they were all huddled up together next to the fire. She glanced at Gerard. He gave her a nod. She simply looked away from him. She was too scared to say anything about it. Everyone was still recovering. She had to wait a little longer and hop no one else would find out before she had the courage to say anything about it.
Only seconds later after the talk, they all heard the sounds of monsters banging at the door to get themselves inside the barn. She woke Carl up, shaking him as harshly as she could before the danger got inside. He looked at her in confusion. "Stay as far back from the door and any windows. They're here." she whispered to him. He only nodded, rolling off of Ella's lap and sitting upright with Judith, fear in his eyes. She ran over to the door and helped the group to keep the walkers back from getting inside.
Through it all, the pain of keeping them out, and the everlasting fear as they pushed on the door, she only shared eye contact with Glenn who ended up putting his hand on hers.