I'm done:// phrase or term meaning to go Hell for all I care
Peter and Sarah left me at the train station and I walked in the opposite direction heading home. The ride the deafening silence becoming my pillow to my confused mind. My thoughts drifted hoping to find some security, some ground to stand on. My body went into passive aggressive behavior, blocking out everything around me, my antisocial behavior kicking into overdrive; rocking from thinking I could do this, maybe I should do this to thinking I can't handle this anymore.
My body rocked from side to side, almost stumbling as emotions of pain, doubt, regret crashed into different sides of my body. I wanted to be happy, but happiness didn't want me. I've tried yet always manages to fail and yet here I was at another cross road, confused, alone, disheartened. Conflicted my hands moved slowly to my door, eyes glazed over with fear and worry.
My world falling completely black and white again.
I didn't notice the balloons or streamers hanging from the walls, nor the welcome home sign that hung in the hallway leading to my room. It wasn't until I heard a male voice that my body seemed to roar to life again.
"Maverick!" I said my voice coming out frantic mixed with anger. " what the hell are you doing here? " I eyed him up and down. "How'd you even get in?"
" Hey kenzy " he said smiling ignoring the obvious fright on my face. "I had a key so.."
What! What key? My key? He had my key all along?
"A key? So you could've come here, all along? "
"Well, yeah but I didn't" he said moving towards me.
I stepped back, my feet wobbling beneath me as I desperately clammered for air.
"Are you okay?" He asked looking confused, I blinked a million times.
Why was he here?
What did he want from me?
He needs to leave now! Right now!
" No" I said shaking my head, my hair stinging against my perspirated face. "No I'm not"
He moved forward again and I held up my hand meeting the sofa. I was trapped, trapped with him and I was so scared. I didn't want him here, not here. Everything collided within me, sending memories I'd hoped to suppress back to my memory. Jessie, our time together, my pain right here on the floor.
Every memory wipped against my body leaving only open lascerations, wide deep and bleeding. Every memory leaving me weaker than the first. I felt tears dying in my eyes as my chest tightened.
I needed to breath, god, I needed to breathe.
"Kendall"
"You need to leave"
"Why? You're here now, I'm here" he said moving towards me even though I held out my hand to keep him at bag. "That's what we wanted. Time together"
"Please don't, just leave please"
"I took the time to see you, to wish you home. Why are you keeping me at bay" he said stopping to let my hand rest across his chest. I clawed at my throat, my feet threatening to pool beneath me, my shoulders falling tense and aching. "You told me I'd just be you. I want to be here, I'm here kenzy. Don't push me away"
"I don't want...." My voice trailed off, my breaths falling weaker, shallow, rapid. " I don't want you here"
"Is this a joke?"
" No" I said swallowing past another lump forming in my throat.
I thought things would be different when I finally saw him again, that we'd laugh, maybe, talk. That I'd be fine. But seeing him here, knowing he could be been here at anytime. I couldn't. I needed time to deal with this!
"I know you babe. You always say things you don't mean, leaving me to finger it out" his hands brushed delicately across my cheeks and into my hair. For a moment I lost my head giving into the affection before pushing his hands away as if they were laced with poison.
"You don't know me. If you did you know I don't like surprises, people turning up uninvited and touching me" I eyes his huffing. "Now please leave in not in the mood for company".
" But I'm not people" he responded softly.
"You are people. You're just like everyone else. And as you can clearly see their not here"
"Kendall, we've been through this before, we've talked over the phone" he said looking cunfused holding onto my hands tightly. "Is something wrong?"
"I told you not to expect anything" I said pulling my hand away from him straightening. "What'd you expect that we'll start from where we left off?"
"Yes, preferably"
"Are you out of your mind? " I screamed. "Where the hell do you want to start from?
Blaming me for Jesse's death, leaving me in turmoil for a few days" I paced needing to get further away from him. "Or, of course, the part where I wasn't good enough?"
" I apologized for that. I know you kendall, I know I hurt you. I also know you love me and I love you too "
"You don't love me"
"Come now, you're being petty"
I gritted my teeth. Petty! I'm petty! I'M PETTY!
I let out a frustrated groan!
"You don't love me maverick. You took advantage of the fact that I would be the best person for jesse, you tolerated the fact that I was there and you could f*** me when you wanted to without having to give back anything in return" I laughed, who knew I'd be using Andrew's words. "And you only want be back because you know I care about you. You left because since Jesse was gone you didn't need me anymore. So don't you dare talk to me about me petty!"
He stood stoic, I was almost sure I saw a smirk. I faltered abit, everything was true? I was hurting over an asshole! hurting, thinking about giving him a second chance, felt hurt, defended him when everyone else saw the devil with him. Tears streamed unbridled down my cheeks, how the hell did I end up loving him? How could some one be this disgusting and heartless. He let out a sigh gazing in my direction and shaking his head.
"I honestly wanted this to work out"
"Get out!"
"Kendall"
"Get the hell out or I'm calling the police!" I barked at him. " and leave my keys. I hate you "
"Right" he glanced around the apartment before dropping the keys. "So much for keeping up appearances" his eyes grazed over my body indiscriminately , violating me, my skin crawling from disgust.
How the hell did I sleep with him?
He walked slowly to the door laughing, while I wanted to just cease to exist. Escape hell for once. When he made it to the door, he glanced back at me. His true self glistening in his eyes, the same eyes I once loved, adored, the same person I made love to-made. Past tense. That person was gone. As tears pooled down my cheeks, my heart slowed, my breathing, my senses, my thoughts everything turning vapour. My hand made it way to my mouth sticking the s teams that echoed within my head.
"Oh and that guy you were with" he said pausing at the door. "He wants to f*** You too. One one really wants you kendal. You're just too weak and naive"
A high pitched wail bellowed from my clouds followed by, uncontrolled anger, greif, resentment and slowly I crawled to my room falling to the floor. I screaned, cried, hollwered, pounded the floor, just continued pounding, needing just to die, disappear, something anything. Just something to take the pain away.
Why couldn't I just have a normal life? Why couldn't I just have a normal relationship? Why the hell did I have to end up with Lucifer! Wasn't I good enough? didn't I deserve to be happy too?
My pulse hammering in my ear drum, in sync with a carnival of thoughts while my heart tore, wripped, stabbed at the plate of my chest. I couldn't tell when I stopped screaming, or crying, or breathing, everything just became numb then it faded to black.
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Author's notes: welcome back guys to our regularly scheduled program😍
Disclaimer: I am not a supporter of emotional abuse. I honestly believe we all deserve a chance at love and a great life. It's not okay to let other people control your happiness.
Quote from a great book:
"Not because you smile doesn't mean the cage doesn't exist, it just means you've lowered your standards to how far you can fly"
- The gravity of us.