Akaashi hanahaki au
————
'It hurts', the only thought filling your head as you stared off at your friend, Niyou, as she went on rambling to your deskmate.
Why would a random conversation between your classmates hurt you so much? It was odd, you always thought to yourself. You never believed in the ideals or the very thought of love but just staring off at their idle talk makes your chest hurt and your mind burned with jealously.
It took your stubborn self a solid month to accept the fact that you liked him, your desk mate, Akaashi. You were in denial to say the least, you didn't want these feelings bubbling up inside you, it hurts. Everytime he looked at you, the little smiles he'd give you, his gorgeous greenish eyes that you couldn't seem to look away from, it felt like heaven, you really really liked it, you liked him.
The many months the two of you had known each other was enough to make your heart go wild and thank the gods you had met him but why? Why were you so stubborn that you wouldn't, couldnt come to terms with it. You liked him but you just couldn't bring yourself to accept it.
He was amazing, he truly was. You transferred to Fukurodani High School a few months into your second year, not having a single clue who anyone was, you heard it was a powerhouse school for the volleyball team but that was all. You didn't know anyone there and the only reason you transferred was because of your parents shift of work. You weren't too bummed about moving and transferring, if anything you accepted it like it was just any other small matter. Sure, you were sad you had to leave your long term friends but you would still keep in touch. After all, it wasn't like you were going to die or anything.
You were truly scared the first day there, everyone was a stranger and getting lost on your first day was really one of the worst things that could happen in your books. Standing near the school gates, you looked around the students there, the students you would be seeing for your next two years, most of them seemed happy, with friends around them, some couples walking about. It was truly a peaceful and happy sight. You forgot everything about the fact that you didn't know anyone there or your class. You were snapped out of your trance when a tall, rather buff looking student tapped your shoulder. The male had spiky white hair with black roots and next to him was a tall, black messy haired, really, really handsome guy.
"Hey hey heyyyy!!!! You're a new student right? Are you a second year?" He asked. You stared at the male then to his friend who was looking at him with much annoyance. Your eyes reverted back to the guy who had questioned you and answered, "y-yeah...".
His eyes sparkled and turned around to his messy haired friend, "aKAASHI, IS THIS THE STUDENT THAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?"
"I don't know, Bokuto-san. Why don't you ask her?" The messy haired boy replied.
You took note that the messy haired boy was called 'Akaashi' and he would probably be your classmate. The rather owlish dude was noted as 'Bokuto'.
You decided to interrupt by asking them where your class was, this resulted in Bokuto screaming out "SHE IS THE STUDENT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT" and a firm nod from Akaashi.
Your question was answered by Bokuto when he said "Akaashi will be your guide then, I'm heading to class now!" Firmly patting his friends back, he walked off to where you assume his class would be. He seemed rather suspicious to you yet you just couldn't point your finger at it.
It was from your first encounter with Akaashi that the two of your friendship started to blossom, slowly. Thanks to a certain third year. You soon began to make friends of your own, mostly acquaintances but it still counted.
Niyou was the one who stood out most in all the times you've spoke to people in your class. She seemed a lot like the Bokuto guy you've met once, loud, optimistic, out going. Something you couldn't relate to. But they said opposites attract and somehow you ended up becoming her closest friend.
While on the other hand, you and Akaashi were still friends, rather close ones if you could say so yourself. Often times, he would complain about how much of an annoyance Bokuto is and things like the volleyball team and such. You always listened intently whenever he spoke, his calm voice and demeanour, the very his eyebrows would scrunch whenever the topic of Bokutos everlasting antics and the way he would smile whenever your little comments seemed to enlighten him. You fell for him and you fell hard.
It wasn't that you didn't want to confess to him, it was because you knew that Niyou liked him too. She told you early on that she liked Akaashi and was rather jealous of how close the two of you were. She would often interrogate you if you ever had feelings for him to which you denied, you knew it would break her and you knew that you might ruin your once in a lifetime friendship with her, or confessing to Akaashi and then being rejected. You didn't want to ruin the perfect relationship you had with the both of them, you couldn't. You wouldn't know how to act if either one starts drifting from you.
You agreed to Niyou one day that you would try to stay off Akaashi for awhile so that she could try to get closer with him, she didn't know your little bubbling feelings for Akaashi, it would ruin your friendship so you never told a single soul.
Every damn minute of seeing them together and how much Akaashi seemed to enjoy her presence made your heart churn and your chest hurt. It felt like thumb tacks pining every crevice of your chest, breathing would hurt sometimes, coughing felt like you were trying to push out needles.
Blood started appearing two weeks into your chest pains, you knew why, you didn't want to accept the fact though. You spoke lesser and lesser to your two friends, often times telling them you didn't feel well and that you were tired but in actuality you were hurting, so much. Every glance you send them seemed to make your eyes water and your face hot from jealousy. You felt angry, not to Niyou, not to Akaashi, but to yourself for feeling like that, for being so pathetic, for liking someone you knew you could never be with.
You were too afraid to tell anyone, you found it hilarious sometimes, it was so cliche of you to like your friends crush. It almost made you forget the fact that bloodied petals would appear every now and then. What would your parents think? You? Lovesick? It seemed impossible in their books, their obedient child who never once mentioned anything romantic. They didn't even notice those nights where you would lay on the side of your bed, trash can next you, choking on your own sobs as the pain in your chest seemed to grow, blood spewing out everyone once in awhile.
It took you another week to accept that you had it, the Hanahaki disease. You felt like dying, that was because you were, slowly and painfully for that matter. All you had to do was confess, it was so easy in your head but the thought of the mess that would happen afterward, you couldn't bare it. Surgery was also an option but how can you do it in secrecy? What would you do if you stopped feeling anything all together? You didn't want that, anything but that.
A stalk of rose appeared one morning, the pricks edging your throats as you pulled it out, it was an unpleasant sight to say the least. Tears welled up, you couldn't bare it, your end was near and no one knew. You took a good look at the bloodied rose after you coughed out the extra blood. It was beautiful in a messed up way, a rose with blood on it. A hilarious concept to be honest. You smiled at it, god the things love does to someone. After that, you threw it away, there wasn't a need for a beautiful rose for you, you didn't deserve it.
You decided you'd write a letter to your parents, your friends too, you supposed. You knew death was near, might as well write a farewell letter. It was short and simple, a little thank yous to everyone and how happy you were because of them, nothing too deep. An apology was next, telling them how sorry you were for not being able to bring yourself to tell them and how much of a hassle you made. Perhaps you were a coward, choosing death than facing your problems but it was too late.
It was any other day in school except the fact that Niyou was absent, she had texted you that she was sick and wouldn't be going to school the day before. A worried Akaashi asked you, of course he did. You smiled and told him she was nearly sick. The look of relief made your heart squeeze, it hurt to even look at him but you still mustered up a smile.
He then proceeds to talk about how Niyou was making him worry and how much he felt for her, he was honest with his feelings. He liked Niyou and he was going to confess to her one of these days, he told you that. You were happy for him, for her too. It felt wrong that you had such thoughts about Akaashi, so you forced yourself to never tell a soul about these unrequited feelings.
"(Y/n)-san, Im going to confess to her," Akaashi said with a soft smile playing on his lips, you grinned.
"You two are meant to be!" You mustered up, the words felt so wrong, it felt like venom. Each word felt opposing to you, you hated it. Your chest hurt, you started coughing, tears forcing themselves out of your eyes, rolling down your cheeks. It was so sudden, Akaashi was taken aback. You couldn't contain it anymore.
"(Y/n)-san, are you alright. (Y/n)-san!" By then you were unresponsive, lightheaded, numb from the pain.
You fell onto the floor as you continued your coughing fit, more and more blood coming out each cough you let out, you throat felt like they were being scratched by barb wires, you couldn't stand it. The pain stopped and a single red rose came out, you knew you wouldn't have any other roses anytime soon, it was over.
The now kneeling Akaashi that was next to you looked at you with bewilderment and concern, fear too. He was sorrowful, filled with regret and confusion. You looked up at him and gave him a small smile as he held onto your tear stained cheeks.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell anyone."
There was a moment of silence before you continued, by then Akaashi was sobbing, he'd finally put two and two together. You liked him, but he was so oblivious to it.
"Akaashi, I-" and you never got to finish what you always wanted to say.
—————
word count: 1,915 words
a/n: speed wrote this at midnight because i wanted to write a short lil one shot to get rid of my writers block and kinda hate the end result but whatever. i was just kinda sad.
18 November 2019