Hey guys! So I really liked the way I did one of the previous chapters of using a music sound to kind of make the story more interactive and give you a feel of how Nessa is feeling that moment. So here's another song to listen to when you see (*) this in the story line. I hope you guys enjoy, and keep an open mind because there's always more to the story! Love you guys!! P.S. DON'T FORGET TO TURN THE SOUND UP ALL THE WAY TO GIVE THE FULL AFFECT (IT WORKS BEST IF YOU HAVE HEADPHONES)
I pulled him in closer until he pulled away.
"Nessa, what are you doing?"
I stepped back and regained myself and looked back at him.
"I- I"
I grabbed my phone and pushed past him and walked out. I shuffled through the crowd and bumped into Cade. I looked up at him and stopped in my tracks.
"Nessa, please just listen to me."
"I have nothing else to say to you. To either of you."
"Can we just go somewhere and talk?"
"Talk about what, Cade? There's nothing else to say. I finally said what no one has had the balls to say this entire time. I spoke for everyone. The conversation is over."
I tried to go past him, but he grabbed my arm. I looked back at him and paused. I saw in his eyes he wanted to says something. Everything, but couldn't get the right words out or at least any words out. I felt my eyes start to burn so I yanked my arm away and walked off. I pushed my way through the kitchen, and then grabbed the bottle of Sky Vodka and spun off the cap and took a large swig.
"Woah, look's like somebody has had a rough night."
I looked over to see a really attractive dude that I hadn't met before. He had large green eyes, tan skin, with a black graphic tee and ripped jeans on with some Air Force 1's.
(reference image for Kylo/inspiration picture)
I chuckled at his remark and took another swig of the bottle.
"Uh.. I'm Kylo."
I looked over at him and kept drinking.
"Maybe you slow down.."
(*) Start Clip
"Maybe you should mind your own business, Kyle."
"Uh.. it's Kylo."
"I don't care."
"Wow, the girl has one performance and she turns all diva."
I set the bottle down and turned towards him.
"How did you know I performed tonight?"
"I'm a friend of Mako. He said that an old friend of his had a show tonight and then there was a party afterwards to celebrate."
"Mhmmmm."
I picked up the bottle to take another big gulp. There was a quick pause in the conversation.
"......He also said you guys went to school together."
"Used to. Before I dropped out."
"Oh.. nice."
"Yup."
I turned around and picked up a red solo cup and poured the vodka half way and set the bottle down.
"You're performance was really dope tonight by the way."
"Thanks."
"Yea, no problem."
There was a pause in the conversation which didn't particularly bother me considering I wasn't looking to really converse with anyone at the moment.
"So, what inspired the song you-"
"Is there a reason you're talking to me?"
He paused and didn't say anything.
"I mean it's a pretty big party so I bet there are a bunch of other girls that would love to have a conversation with you."
"I mean I just figured a girl drowning her sorrows in a bottle of vodka should have someone to talk to instead of getting fully intoxicated by themselves like a loner."
I looked at him and noticed him having a sarcastic smirk on his face. He was kind of an asshole, but I also didn't mind it. I looked back at my cup and took another sip.
"Who says I'm drowning my sorrows?"
"Considering you look like you just found out your dog died and just got done fighting with, whom I assume is your boyfriend...well guessing by the conversation you two just had over there I'm gonna go with ex-boy friend now, I thought you could use the company."
"Oh, so you're watching me now."
"Nah, I just like to observe."
I chuckled.
"Yea, well he's definitely not my boyfriend."
I took another big gulp out of my cup.
"So then who is he then?"
I chuckled to myself and poured more vodka in my cup.
"Long story and not enough alcohol in the world."
I took another sip and I kept replaying what happened between me and Nick hoping he wouldn't find me in the crowd of people. As I took each sip I felt myself grow to care less and less about everything I did. I was tired of being the problem of everyone's lives. I was tired of having the weight of every bad decision I made on my shoulders. I felt myself grow numb and insensitive to the situations I created. I didn't care. For once, I didn't care. I didn't care to fix anything or help anyone. All I was focused on was the clear liquid in my cup that made the dude in front of me grow more attractive by the minute. I paused and just looked at him as he looked into my eyes. I felt my reasoning and logic slowly slip away. I then realized that my new found spirit of not giving a fuck wasn't subject to the alcoholic beverage in my hand, but to the fact that I had become so fed up with the situation in my life that I didn't care whether my decisions were bad or not. I didn't mind that I kissed Nick. I did it because I was in a state...still in a state of brokenness and numbness and vulnerability. I didn't mind that I wanted to pull this random stranger into a closet and make out with him no matter the consequences that would come afterwards. All these new feelings were foreign to me considering I had spent the last three years of my life trying to redo every screw up and rebuild every relationship I wrecked in my life. I had always thought about how my actions were gonna affect people or how I needed to fix everything and everyone and now for the first time in... forever I didn't....care. I kept looking at Kylo and then heard my voice being called in the distance. I looked over and saw Nick shuffling through people looking around for me. Luckily, he didn't spot me which caused me to quickly think of an idea.
"Kylo, do you wanna dance?"
"Do I wanna dance?-"
"Yes, do you wanna dance."
I felt my tone grow impatient while worrying if Nick was gonna find me.
"Uh, yea sure.-"
"Alright, good."
I grabbed his hand and walked quickly to the living room. I pulled him and then flipped his arm to around my waist. We swayed back and forth as All My Friends played by TINASHE and Chance the Rapper. I felt as if time slowed down and I was just in that moment. I didn't give a single fuck about anything that happened before or what was gonna happened afterwards. I was just enjoying the moment of the fact I was grinding on a hot dude I had met 20 minutes before. It felt like a scene in a movie as the LED lights flashed around and everyone was dancing around. I turned around and wrapped my arms around his neck and looked at him. We both smiled as he helped keep me up after the vodka started to hit me. I was so drunk, but I didn't care. I was enjoying myself in the moment for once and didn't give a shit about anyone else except what I was wanted. That was probably the most selfish thing I had felt in my life, but I needed it. I needed to be selfish. For once, for my mental state I needed to be selfish with my happiness. We danced around for what felt like days. We both laughed at each other and I couldn't stop smiling. I didn't know this dude's last name and he was making me happier than I had been in almost a year. I looked at him and then pulled him in and kissed him. I pulled him closer and closer. I don't know if it was a the alcohol, the fact I was on my new "I'm back on my bullshit. Don't fuck with my energy." high, or he was just a really good kisser but it felt so good. Everything about this moment felt so good. I pulled away and smiled at him. I pulled his arm and we both walked into the guest bedroom. I shut the door behind me and pushed him on the bed. I climbed on and straddled him as I took off my shirt. I threw it on the floor and kissed him. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I kept going and he took off his shirt and he rolled over and got on top of me. He kissed me down my neck and then I pulled him back up. I grabbed his belt buckle and tried to pull undo it. I felt him grab my hands and pull away.
"Alright."
He pushed himself off and stood off the bed. I propped myself on my elbow and looked at him.
"What's the issue?"
"No issue. I'm just not about to have sex with you right now."
I got up off the bed and stood in front of him.
"Uhm.. why not?"
"I don't even know your name."
"It's Nessa. Now c'mon."
I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck and leaned in only for him to pull them off.
"You're wasted."
He picked up his shirt and put it back on.
"I give you permission to have sex with me. That better?"
"Look I don't know what you're going through, but I promise you this is not gonna make it better.
"You're right it won't make it better, but I also don't care it if gets better."
He looked at me and then picked up my shirt and handed it to me, and then grabbed my phone.
"What are you-"
He typed something and then handed it back to me.
"Call me when you're sober, and maybe we can do something."
We both walked to the door and the paused and whispered into my ear.
"Trust me, you're gonna want to remember the hookup anyways."
He kissed me again and smiled and walked out the door. I closed the door and turned around and tried to walk correctly to the bathroom. I leaned over the sink and took a deep breath. I put some water on my neck and then walked back into the room. I grabbed my phone off the bed and then heard the door open so I turned around.
"You changed you're mind?-"
I froze as I saw Nick stand in front of the door. I paused and then started walking toward the door. He grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"Nessa."
I yanked my arm back and stepped backwards.
"What?"
"What the hell do you mean what? What the hell was that?"
"I told you to let me go."
"Oh so now if I don't listen to your orders you kiss me?! You don't just do that, Nessa! Z is like my brother."
"I'm not talking about this."
"Bro, are you kidding me!"
"No, I'm not. I'm not talking about this. Now move."
I tried to once again get past him but he moved me back with his arm.
"What is going on with you, Nessa? You broke down and my arms and then kissed me like 30 minutes ago and now you have a random dude coming out of this room fixing his shirt and pants like ya'll messed around here! You just had one of the best nights of your career and then you come here and try to fuck everything up in your life."
"That's what I'm good at isn't it?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm great at fucking up good things in my life aren't I? That's what I do. So what does it matter anymore? Am I gonna lose Z because of it? Is it gonna screw up stuff between me and Cade? Oh wait, it can't because I already did! So what's one more fuck up right? It's what people expect me to do at this point so might as well prove them right."
I got closer to him and looked at him with a expressionless face.
"So unless you're trying to pick up where we left off then get the hell out of my way."
He just stood there and looked at me for a second. He had this look on his face like he couldn't even recognize who I was even though I was right there in front of me. He looked away for a second and then stepped out of the way of the door. I paused because I didn't expect him to give up. Out of all people Nick was the person to not let me fall down the dark hole that I once lived in before. He used to call Kayla after Z and I broke up the first time and make sure I was okay. I felt my heart sink to my feet. He just gave up like everyone else, and that shit hurt worse than anything else. I looked at him and felt the tears form in my eyes. I wanted to scream and punch him but I knew that this is what I asked for so I couldn't go back now. I saw in his eyes that he knew I wanted to say something and everything at the same time, but he just stood there looking me dead in my eyes. I glanced away as I tried to blink the tears away which was obviously unsuccessful. I looked back at him and opened the door and walked out. I stormed out and pushed myself through the house. I went outside to the backyard for a second to breathe and process everything that happened in a matter of two hours. I picked up my phone and ordered an Uber. I felt my head pound and my sense of balance deteriorate as every second went by. I needed to get the hell out of here. I walked back inside and walked to the front of the house and walked out to the driveway. I waited on the curb until my Uber pulled up. I got inside and closed the door. I sat there and tried to rethink everything that just happened but the vodka was making the recollection process almost impossible. I looked out the window and leaned my head against the door. I had so much running through my mind and I just wished everything would shut up. I closed my eyes and tried to calm everything down. I just wanted to scream and cry at the same time. It then dawned on me. I told the Uber driver to change locations and drop me off at the studio. He dropped me off at the front and I got out and walked inside. I looked on the roster for a free room. I vaguely tried to read one the best I could and then walked inside. I sat down on the couch and tried to decompress. I took my shoes off and grabbed a water from the fridge to somewhat sober up. I walked around and then heard my phone ring. I saw a call from Kayla and declined it. I tossed my phone on the couch and continued walking around. I heard my phone ring again and saw a call from Zara come in. I declined it and turned my ringer off. Before I tossed my phone back on the couch I saw a missed call from Zion, Cade, Nick, Brandon, and thirteen texts from Kayla. I stared at my phone for a second and then tossed it back on the couch. I looked around and then at the bottle of water. I felt my anger well up and my eyes start to burn from the tears forming in my eyes. Why the fuck did everything upset me? I was tired of crying. I was tired of fucking up. I was tired of not caring, but I was soooooo tired of caring too. I was tired of thinking. I felt my hands grow tighter around the plastic and then I chucked it across the room as I let out a scream. I fell to my knees and sobbed so much that my heart started to ache. I weeped so loud that I knew the janitors cleaning the other room had to hear me. I was broken. I was completely broken, and I was the one who broke myself. I was just a pile of confusion. I didn't even know what I was crying about because about four hours before I had vowed to myself to no longer give a fuck. I guess my body was just letting out all the toxic energy that I had kept to myself for so long. I was crying over the mistakes, the hurt, the words, the fights, the memories, the pain, the happiness, the failures, the successes. I was surprised after this night that I had any tears left in me. It felt like the last three years of my life were just reoccurring episodes of me sobbing the pain away and it felt like a channel with endless re-runs of the same show. I felt my self start to feel sick from how much I was crying. Then I realized it wasn't because of the crying. I quickly rushed over the the trashcan and let it all out which felt like an eternity by the way. I crawled back to the couch and propped myself up against it and put my legs up. I felt like I had reached rock bottom all in a matter of a four hour span. It was the lowest point that I had been. I felt every emotion and felt like my brain was complete mush. I had wrecked majority of the important relationships in my life before the sun had even come up. I just wanted to start all over. Just start all over. I glanced over and saw the notepad on the desk. I had written my best songs from heartbreak and frustration, and song writing was the only thing I hadn't completely fucked up so it was my last resort. I grabbed the notepad and pen and started writing. It was the first time I didn't have a beginning beat or a block of where to start. Despite my drunkenness I wrote like I hadn't ever before. I wrote for hours. I just kept writing until it felt like I had written out every feeling I ever felt. I wrote about the hardest, best, happiest, saddest, most exhausting three years of my life. I set the pen down and looked around to see yellow pages all around me. I looked at my phone and then sat down on the couch. I felt my eyes start to droop and I closed them and slouched down into the couch.