My phone had been lighting up for a while now, at uneven intervals. Luis was entranced by it, sitting upright in his crib, his lips forming a circle, gurgling something every time a flash filled the tiny room. I looked at him, wondering if he was the only Guevara I could still trust.
Another message. That must've been the eleventh one by now. Luis produced a happy squeal, some drool slobbering down his chin. His eyes inspected me expectantly. Come on, tía, they said, pick up your phone, it's fun!
Fine. But only to turn it off. With a heavy arm, I moved to grab the thing from the chair next to my bed. Maybe I should throw it out the window, be done with it for good — the window was there, though, and I was here, too lazy, too exhausted to get up. My stomach turned upside down when I opened my cover.
Twenty-five messages.
From Sam.
Sam: Yo June. Where are you?
Come on, man.
Why did you leave
I don't get it
I thought things were going great
At that moment, there was urgent knocking on the apartment door. Valentina called out something, and I heard her trudge towards it, opening up the safety latch. There were voices, hers and another — it sounded like...
It sounded like...
But it couldn't be, right?
It couldn't, he wasn't here, he was there, with her, Charlotte 2.0 the improved version, so how, how could he be here?
My eyes were trained on the door, my breath stuck in my throat. The phone on the floor lit up again, another message from Sam, though all I could see from here was that it was ten pm, two hours after I'd returned. Two hours. Could it really be?
Footsteps. A turning doorknob. Valentina's head, sticking into the room, hitting the light switch and erasing the dark. Luis cried out in delight, rocking on his legs, and she smiled at him. Then, she turned to me. "He's here," she said, and my broken heart all of a sudden wasn't that broken anymore. "Says he loves you. Do I let him in?"
Something fluttered inside of me, something small and soft, and without realizing it, I nodded, slowly, the fluttering growing stronger.
Her head disappeared.
I tried to control my breathing, still not understanding what was happening, what was going on...
And then, the door opened in full, banging into Luis' crib, and there he was.
Nathan.
Still in the jeans and nice shirt he'd been wearing this morning, his jacket draped over his shoulder, only now there were sweat stains in the fabric near his armpits, his hair flat at the back, standing up on top.
He looked at Luis, who was gazing up at him like he'd never seen a more fascinating sight. "Sorry," Nathan said to him, and it was his voice, and it was him, and he was here.
He was here.
Why?
He stepped further in the room, now turning his attention to me, almost filling up all of the space, and closed the door. His eyes stared into mine, unbearably alive, and my body tensed, not knowing how to handle this unexpected visit. The silence sizzled, even Luis kept still, watching in complete awe, and I didn't get what this was.
"June," Nathan said then, and there was something in his tone that shook me, something determined, "I hope you don't mind, but I thought this was a good time to be selfish." He was breathing fast, like he'd run a few miles, and his hands were shaking, only lightly, yet enough for me see.
My head was spinning, making it difficult to draw in air. I grabbed my legs, in a nonsensical attempt to steady myself, squeezing the fabric of my sweatpants tight. "What... what are you doing here?"
"What I should've done two years ago." He said it without any trace of hesitation, like he'd practiced the answer out loud before. His hand moved to his hair, wanting to run through it, though he stopped himself at the last moment. A quick look at Luis, as if he was asking what to do next, and he cleared his throat. "I'm not going to be a coward again. I just... I don't want to lose you again. Not without trying."
No, no... How? This morning, I'd seen him, I'd seen the box, seen gorgeous Charlotte... I didn't get it, didn't get any of it. "But the ring," I said, my lips trembling, "the ring. You were looking at it, and then that guy said—"
He shook his head repeatedly, pressing a fist to his mouth. A sharp intake of breath, and he went to his knees, sitting before me on the cold floor, ocean blue radiating something white-hot. "You really believed that?" he asked, the words small and cracked. "You really believed I would tell you I love you and then just ask someone else to marry me?" When I didn't respond, he shook his head again, moving a little closer, almost, almost touching me. "Junie, that ring was never meant for Charlotte. I told you, I haven't even seen her in two years. I don't want to be with her. She doesn't want to be with me. In fact, she's engaged. And not to me."
"She's... she's engaged?" It was foolish, so, so foolish, but hearing him say that, say that she had moved on, that she hadn't set her sights on him, cleared up one of the knots in my stomach, and straight away, everything was lighter.
He nodded earnestly. "Yes. She met this man in Australia, and she's planning on immigrating. And that guy..." His jaw tightened, eyes darkening for a second. "Do you remember I told you about Edward, her asshole cousin? Well, that was him. He likes causing chaos. It's what he does best. He probably wasn't all that keen on the idea of Charlotte living in Australia and thought her parents would put a stop to it if they knew."
His explanation left me stunned, frozen on the bed in that tiny room. How on earth could I've come to that conclusion so fast, convinced that he'd let me down, convinced that he'd lied? If I'd just stayed long enough for him to see me, he could've said all of this, spared me all this pain — he wouldn't have had to get on a plane and follow me all the way to New York.
O god.
He got on a plane and followed me all the way to New York.
He did that.
All the hundreds of shards, even the ones that were nothing more than grains of sand, came together again, finding their former places, together filling up the gaping hole in my chest. I gasped, forgetting how to breathe, how to think, how to move.
Then there was a hand on mine, sending sparks of fire jumping over my skin, even though he barely touched me, even though he was barely there. I looked down, into his eyes, asking me so much without any words, telling me so much, and it was so fantastical, and yet so palpable. "It's you, Junie," he whispered out of the blue, and oh, my heart could still beat, even after all it'd been through. "You're not my anything. You're my real thing."
Yes, beat it could, strong and fast and loud, saving the memory of him saying that for later. For later, when I'd be able to understand all this, to process it.
Now he did run his hands through his hair, glancing away for a moment. "And the ring... it was supposed to be proof." He took his jacket, feeling for something and pulling out the red box. The jacket fell to the floor, useless, and he held the box out so I could see it clearly. "Please," he said, "please let me prove it."
How could I refuse that pleading look? How could I ignore my stomach, behaving like I'd left it high up in the sky on the plane? Why would I?
He didn't even realize yet. I hardly needed more evidence than this. It was right in front of me, unmistakably beautiful.
I nodded though, forgotten how to speak.
With shaking fingers, he lifted the lid, and there, resting in a black cushion, was grandma Redstone's ring, with its familiar green stone.
My ring.
"See?" he said, and it almost sounded desperate, "I've been carrying it around ever since you left it on my pillow. It fell a few months ago, and the old box broke, so I had to buy a new one. But the ring, it's still the same." He took it out, carefully, placing it in his open hand — it was the ring, I'd recognize it anywhere, and my skin seemed to as well, tingling where it used to sit. "It's never been meant for Charlotte. It's meant for you. I gave it to you when you turned sixteen, and I could never give it to someone else. I just want it to be yours." Once again, I was stuck on the ocean blue, on the irresistible color, stirring all these feelings I'd thought were lost forever. "It's always been yours," he added, and then, quieter, like he didn't want anyone to hear except me: "I love you."
He was so close, almost as if there was no space between us at all, as if I could melt right into him, and I probably would if my heart was going to glow any warmer than this. This was no fantasy. This was no fairytale.
This was irrevocably real, and he was still my real thing, and after all, I was his too.
He did love me.
I probably should've said something, let him know it was okay, that I felt the same, and that I had enough proof to last a lifetime. Only I couldn't, I couldn't move an inch, still baffled by the realization that for the first time, I had everything I could possibly want, and more.
His hand closed around the box, and he shut his eyes tightly, like looking at it was physically hurting him. "You're worth it," he said, his voice breaking, "you're worth it. And please believe me, because I'm running out of ideas on how to say it."
I had an idea. I had millions of ideas. And I could share every single one of them, if he liked that, I didn't mind.
Slowly, hesitatingly, I reached out for his face, for once so in control I could graze his cheek, making him hold his breath. He opened his eyes, staring right into mine, and I flustered, ready to share my first idea. "Maybe... kiss me?"
For a few, long seconds, he didn't do anything, just was there, and then, then, there was one of those sweet smiles — there was no time to enjoy the sight of it because it faded quickly, and he was nearing me, and my heart was going to explode, and I was going to fall forward from the bed, right into him, and, and... his lips were on mine again, finally, after all that time. This time, there was no holding back, no hesitation, no getting used to it, only full love. One of us was trembling, or maybe we both were, only I didn't know where I ended and where he began, and it didn't matter anyway — it'd been too long, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like, being dropped from the sky like this, in one of those never-ending dives to the water. Nothing, nothing, could ever feel more right than this.
He broke it off, not backing away. I could feel his breath, the warmth of his skin, the tip of his nose touching mine. "Believe me now?"
"Mmm, maybe one more?"
The ring was put aside, on my pillow this time, and his hands found their way to my face, fingers sliding through my curls, pulling me down to his height — and he kissed me, again, first a shy one right next to my mouth, followed by one that was pure longing, one that sent a trail of weakness through my whole body, and I had to throw my arms around his neck, because I really was falling now — not only down the slope, also from the bed, right into him. There was no need to worry. I knew he would catch me. And he did, hands on my back, holding me tight, secure around my waist. He tumbled backward, not letting me go, and bumped into the crib.
I wouldn't have cared, would've happily gone on and on and on, if Luis hadn't started giggling, reminding me that he was still there as well.
The little guy stuck a finger through the bars and poked Nathan's head, laughing like he'd never seen something funnier in his whole life. Maybe he hadn't.
A giant grin crept up on me, and I looked down, seeing Nathan right below me, his lips parted, eyes alive with blue, staring at me like he didn't even notice a baby was prodding him for entertainment purposes. It must've been uncomfortable, me practically sitting on top of him, crushing him with all my weight, yet all he did was drag me closer, moving in for another kiss, sizzling with so much desire I would've been naked in a second — if there hadn't been a child watching.
When I pulled away, my breathing was heavy, and my legs tensed, realizing the way I was cradling him, and realizing what it would've led to if it'd been just the two of us, and realizing that it was going to happen, sooner rather than later, and that I was so so ready for it.
So ready to be with him.
So ready to have it all.
I smiled, and he smiled too, a little dazed, like he wasn't really registering what was happening. Without any nerves, I cupped his face, several fingers not listening, sticking out in another direction, but I knew he didn't care if it were ten fingers touching him or seven. I hadn't been wrong about him after all. I did know him. Things just got a little complicated, that was all. And now, now it wasn't complicated at all. Now, it was all simple and crystal clear. "I love you too," I said, and my stomach rolled over, the rest of me tensing — I'd said it out loud, to him, and he wasn't panicking or pushing me away.
No, instead, the sweetest smile entered his face, amplified by his eyes, participating as well, and I couldn't remember him ever looking more adorable than this, with his head against the bars of a crib, and a baby playing with his messy hair, and that smile, fuck, lighting me up from the inside.
He lifted his hand, gently brushing my curls behind my ear, then tracing my cheek, and it was like he was kissing me there. The smile faltered, replaced by a sort of peacefulness, and he breathed in deeply. "I'm sorry for all I put you through," he said, "I'm so sorry. But I promise you, I'll never leave you again. Unless you want me to, of course."
More promises. We'd both made them before, different versions of them, and broken them, even if it wasn't on purpose. This time, though, all of me knew, fiercely, thoroughly, that he was going to keep it. That this one was for real.
Nathan tilted his head, finally directing his attention to Luis. "Hey, little guy," he said, and I had to giggle, "can you stop that? I'm trying to have a serious conversation with your aunt."
Luis laughed and poked him again.
Both of us burst out laughing as well, and I let myself fall into him. He immediately closed his arms around me, firmly, just how I liked it. I loved feeling all of him tremble like that, loved the idea of having many more moments like these, making jokes and holding each other and knowing he'd always be there.
When the last chuckle faded away, I looked back up, wondering if it was even possible to love someone this much without your heart leaving your chest and floating away towards the sun. How wrong I'd been. How foolish of me not to believe him sooner. How foolish of me to lose faith in him. Though, after all that'd happened, I couldn't blame myself. "Nathan," I said, and I'd never known before I could sound this sweet, "I really want my ring back."
Instantly, he rose up, pulling me with him, then placing a soft kiss on my temple. Holding my hand, he dragged me back down on the bed, sitting down next to me so close I wondered if he was trying to occupy the same space as I did. With precise movements, he picked up the ring, then seized hold of my left wrist. A whirlwind blew through my stomach, and I almost couldn't believe this was really happening, that he was going to be mine from now on.
He held the ring before my index finger, but he didn't slide it on — he only stared, one second, two seconds, three seconds, four, and with every single one, a worry grew inside of me. What was he waiting for? I couldn't imagine he'd changed his mind, no. Was he thinking about his grandma, sad that she wasn't here to meet the girl who was worth it?
But no.
Suddenly, steadily, he moved the ring to another finger.
My ring finger.
Everything stopped, and I could only stare, the whirlwind growing in power. He barely dared to look at me, his hand trembling. He opened his mouth — closed it again — opened it. "Someday?" he said then. "When you... want to?"
I couldn't say anything.
This was too much. I must've misunderstood, there was no way he was asking me that, no way that so many dreams could come true in one day.
My throat was dry — I swallowed. It didn't help, not when my heart was beating the way it was, my other hand making a fist. I had to push it into the mattress, only to keep the other one, the more important one, from pulling away.
He took a deep breath, avoiding my gaze. "I mean, you're nineteen now. You had more than a year to think about it." A hesitant smile, almost like he was afraid I'd punch him in the face, even though all I wanted right now was kiss him, and kiss him some more, and still some more.
I laughed, and I felt it all the way into my stomach. "I really think we should stop making that joke."
He frowned, visibly wondering what that meant — I could see him trying to figure it out, the open book that he was. Even though it was entertaining to watch, I couldn't wait any longer: "Just put it on already!"
I didn't have to tell him twice. Before I could fully grasp what it meant, the ring was on my finger, the right one this time.
It was perfect.
Next to me, Luis squealed, clapping his hands like he actually understood what was going on. Nathan beamed at me, leaning in for another kiss, soft and full of promises we were both going to keep, because never had there been an easier task. Here, in his embrace, there was nothing like it, nothing better than this.
Well, one thing would make it even better...
There was no nervousness, no doubt, only blazing determination. "I think we missed a step, though," I said, and when I saw him scratching his hair, adorably confused, I added: "I want to go home."
He only smiled at that, bringing my hand between us and placing a kiss on my ring. "Then let's go home," he said.
And just like that, I knew that this time, everything would be alright, and suddenly, I didn't really care about happy endings.
This, this was a beginning, and I couldn't wait to live the rest of the story.