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My legs were pushing myself to the back, putting all the strength I had in me. There were no words to tell how painful it was; having my neck squeezed tight that felt like it was going to break. But that wasn't the only pain I had to experience. It was being unable to breathe was the worst. I never got myself into that kind of physical pain before as if my lungs and heart were about to burst, literally.
And I remembered having my vision blurred no matter how many times I blinked. It was almost like every system in my body was shutting down one by one in a spilt second when oxygen could no longer reach my brain at that point.
I just couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't inhale anything. The pressure around my neck was extremely high and there was nothing left in me that I could use to fight for my life.
Even if the death is planned, and that idea is already planted in our minds beforehand, our brains just automatically switch it and make us panic anyway. They force us to struggle, no matter how painful it already is, and adding more strength to hopes and beliefs that we could still be freed, be saved, is what making it even more torturing.
Even our brains are afraid of death, pushing us to defend ourselves with everything we have to stay alive.
So tell me, Chae, how important this life is?
Because I have found my answer to that, my baby, and it is nothing near as important as you. I could die over and over again, just for you.
It was pitch-black. Everything was just dark like I was placed a room with black painted walls. But it wasn't for long. I didn't even get the time to have another panic attack when lights just entered my eyes, making me shut them to the stinging pain that was close to opening eyes towards the sun.
I could hear my own voice as I groaned, feeling the soreness in my whole body. My hands and legs were aching but they were not as dominant as my excruciating neck pain. When my brain started to register more senses and my body was introduced to those hurtful effects, only then everything hit my mind in the form of memories.
I slowly remembered what happened to me and stuffs I had to do next.
Wincing, I tried to make my very first move and that made me realise I was actually lying on something. I obviously wasn't standing up, nor sitting on anything, but lying flat as I could feel my whole back pressed on the gravitational force.
I blinked, repetitively, seeing small lights at first and my vision became clearer when I was getting the bravery back to open my eyelids bigger in the process. If it was all black earlier, it was a lot different after since everything around me was illuminated by a red-orangey kind of colour.
Groaning, I forced myself to get up since I didn't want to stay down anymore. Thoughts came into my mind that my plan worked. Even with the heavy headache I was experiencing that made me a little bit confused, I just knew that it worked.
I had crossed over to a different dimension.
My eyes wandered around, telling me that I recognised the building I was in. It was definitely the church that Chae and I used to go every Sunday morning back in Paddington. It was the same church I went in, alone after Chae died and I got mad at her God.
The truth was, I expected an infinity ocean of volcanic burning lava kind of view right in front of me when I imagined how hell looked like. But I couldn't say I was disappointed either because the heat had begun to intimidate my skin and dry up my throat into the cruelest thirst I had ever tasted. It was so hot in there as if I was thrown into an extremely high pressured steam room. That was how I acknowledged myself to be in a place I wished to go; the hell.
The church looked so old like it would collapse any time soon. The chairs and other furnitures were all burned up, coated with charcoal looking texture. As my eyes continued to roam around, I finally noticed that I was sitting on the altar with the big cross behind, and something that looked like a well in front of it.
The well was definitely not there in the church at my place. It wasn't there in Paddington. And it was the first thing that caught my attention since I reached hell. So I got up on my two feet, eyes looking through the window and witnessing everything that was outside of the church.
Everything was burning, everything except the church. The buildings, the abandoned cars, the people who walked along the street, all had fire on them. Even the people weren't looking like humans anymore. They were all black without skin; only flesh and bones like they had been burned again and again for countless of time.
That kind of view made me check myself up, hands touching my body and I looked nothing like them. I still had my long jacket on, fully dressed just like how I came into Nick's apartment before. Maybe it was because I wasn't from hell at the first place. I was just a soul from the other universe out there that succeeded to cross over.
I really wanted to pay more attention to the details of it so I could tell my Nick Baxter about how hell looked like. I just couldn't wait to tell him that I was there, in hell, and I might ran my finger on the black, burned wall to write 'Lisa Isaac was here'.
But since I got an important business to handle, I had to give one hundred percent commitment to my original plan. There was no time to goof around no matter how much I wanted to. So I took baby steps, being careful with the platform I was on and worrying if it would break because of my body weight.
I walked towards the well as my head pushed forward to see what was in there. I genuinely thought it was empty, considering how hot the place was but I could see water, reflecting my own look on its surface.
There's water in hell? In a church?
"Lisa?"
I nearly shouted when a voice echoed in the building, giving me a huge surprise since I didn't expect anyone especially someone who I knew shouldn't be there with me at the first place.
It was because I recognised that voice. It belonged to the love of my soul, Chae Richards.
Turning towards the church door, I saw Chae standing by it with confusion and shock plastered all over her face. I could tell it was her because her condition was like me; not burning and fully clothed. Her facial features were recognisable as if nothing was done to her; no punishment, no torture, no misery even though she was clearly in hell.
At the back of my numb mind, she was supposed to look like those walking people out there if hell was her resting place, if that would make any sense?
But I guessed it was just my brain that was playing tricks on me. I was imagining her, perhaps, since Chae was the last thing I thought of before Nick strangled me with his arms. She was just my imagination and nothing more.
"What are you doing here?!" She let a question out while she continued to walk into the church.
I couldn't even open my mouth, eyes staring at Chae who got closer time by time with no fear or hesitation.
"Lisa, is that really you?" Her voice trembled, sounding like she was at edge of crying at any given second.
And it broke my heart like shattering glass slammed on the church floor.
"Y-yes" I stuttered, hand touching the well and I sat on it as I could feel my legs were still weak.
"Lisa?" She called me again, stepping on the altar. "Come here..." She stretched her hand forward, asking for me to take it. "Don't sit there, it's dangerous"
"Stay where you are, Chae" I pressed my voice and she listened to me when she was just few steps away from where I was sitting. "I need a moment"
"Lisa, it's me-"
"I know it's you" I cut her speech off, feeling the tears spilling out from my waterlines but they dried up even before they could reach my skin. That was how hot that place was. "I'm just- confused"
"It's okay," She gave me a faint smile. "It is confusing at first. I was just like you when I arrived"
"What are you doing here then, baby?" I frowned, thinking of the possibilities if that place was actually the future. I began to think if hell was a fast forward clock, considering the soul travelling process had always been anti-clockwise. I was thinking if it was no longer the past that I could tell what would happen based on my memories.
I started to assume if that was the future for Chae and I; held in hell for the sins we had committed.
"This is my home, Lisa" She answered as her eyes moved, probably looking at my chest and she brought them up to meet mine again. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to make things right, Chae" My voice cracked at the end when a sob intimidated my throat.
"Nobody can, Lisa" She took another step forward, stopping right in front me after she said the same thing she used to say when I confronted her about me selling my own soul. "It's over"
"It's not yet, baby" I tried to convince her. "I can still do this"
"Lisa-"
"Why don't you trust me?" My breath became heavier. "I'm doing this for us, Chae. You could have at least supported me"
"You have done enough, Lisa" She pleaded. "Enough is enough, just stop everything"
I brought my head down, pressing my palms on the well as I sniffled.
"Alright," I said. "I think you are right about that" Sighing, I looked up to connect our eyes again. "I will stop"
Chae smiled as she lifted her hands, looking like she was about to pull me into a hug by my shoulders, but we were startled by the sudden lights that flashed in between us. I knew best what kind of lights they were and where they came from; the glass wall.
She made one step back, probably getting scared by what she just saw. The surprise and doubts in her watery eyes were too obvious as if she almost couldn't believe it, but she just had to.
"That's alright, baby..." It was me who gave my hand to her. "Come here, let me hug you instead"
"It wouldn't work"
"How do you know that?"
"My cross," She said. "It's because you are wearing my cross"
I nodded, noticing her empty chest ever since she walked the aisle to come to me. And I touched the cross that was resting on my skin, feeling it with my fingers.
"Give it back to me, Lisa" She asked.
So I brought my head down, pushing both of my hands to the back of my neck and trying to unclip the necklace.
"Let me put it on you" I felt the water tickling in my eyes as I spoke.
The soreness that ran along each and every muscle in my flesh reminded me of how vulnerable I was as a human. It told me about how weak, breakable, and powerless one could be, without God's grace, without His mercy, without His love. It was just like what I used to hear on Sunday morning, sitting on one of the pews with Chae's fingers in between mine.
But it also whispered to me how determined, prestigious, and strong human capable of being just for love. Love.
Love is Chae.
"Come here," I pressed my teeth down as the sob weighed my chest even more.
She was hesitated at first, looking like she was worried about the glass wall; it would appear again if she was touched by me. But I knew she would try anyway since I got something that she needed; the cross. She had to get her necklace back.
I was right when Chae took a step forward, eyes looking at the thin, silver chain I held strong in my grip.
"Turn around, Chae..." I instructed, forcing a smile on my face when the stinging pain in my nose had gone worse.
"Lisa, you can just give it to me" She said softly, signaling me with her hand that I should place the necklace on her palm instead.
"I want to put it on you"
I objected in a nice way, still putting persuasion and forbearance in that crucial moment. I knew better that I didn't have the time. I had to rush just in case I got pulled back by Nick even before I could carry on with my plan. But it was Chae. And I just wanted to do something for her.
It was me who returned the jewellery to her back then. It was me who put the necklace around her neck when she lied inside the casket, eyes closed and no longer moving, no longer breathing. It was me who placed the cross back on her chest, hoping that she would be in peace to have something that she really loved, buried with her.
So I wanted to do the same at that moment. I wished to put it on her, one last time.
"It's alright, Chae..." I smiled while my vision was getting poorer by the tears.
She gave up, turning her body to the direction she came from; the church arch. I could see how nervous she was at that time as her body was shivering. She probably had something in her mind and I didn't want to ask either. Even her fingers were curled in, and she released them back to close her fists again. Then I got up on my weak feet shortly after, taking a deep breath before I ran the necklace over her head until it fell on her skin.
"I think you forgot something, Chae" I spoke behind her as I crossed the chain instead of clipping it, twisting the disconnected necklace in my grip.
"W-what is it?"
"The word please"
My right arm caught her neck with a sudden, swift move of all the strength that ran in me, wrapping it tight as my left hand tugged the chain strong to choke her with it. And I pulled both of us with a force that made us fall into the well that was filled with clear, holy water.
It was cold. It was so cold as I heard hissing noise like something really hot just submerged into the water; my own skin.
That thing struggled in my arms, giving me a hard time to get to the surface. It was trying to drown me in order to save itself. But the strength that was fighting with me wasn't the only thing I needed to bear. There was pain too. I felt like the clock just stopped ticking since I began to grasp the pain all over my body, making me opened my eyes in the water and I saw what was happening to me.
My skin was peeling off, piece by piece and exposing my red flesh. My heart shattered as the extreme pain that resembled the fire burning kind of hotness starting to eat my meat from within even though I was underwater. It was happening right before my eyes and I guessed I knew what fate had held for me.
I died.
I was turning into one of those people who walked outside of the church as my time was up. I realised that Nick had failed to retrieve me back in the other universe he and my host were in and hell would be my home, forever.
I'm so sorry, Chae.
Then I released my right arm from the creature that had showed its true form; 3 heads that possessed horns each, but keeping the grip on the necklace around its neck as my legs kicking my body up.
I exhaled the heaviest breath I had ever held as soon as my face met the air while my neck was still underwater and fighting the creature down.
I may lose today, but I can't let you hold any of my kind anymore. I won't let you take even a soul into this place. I won't let you take my Chae, ever again.
Grunting, I pulled the necklace tighter as my eyes were staring at the big cross that stood above me.
"In the name of- God," I stuttered when the pain had gone to my cheeks that felt like my skin was sliced up. "Father, Son, and Holy Spirit" I swallowed my hurting throat. "You, Asmodeus-" Lights appeared from the water, penetrating my eyes and I heard it screamed when I pronounced its name. "No soul shall suffer under your name, Asmodeus, the Prince of Lust" The scream gone even louder, forcing me to squeeze my eyes when the lights almost blinded me. "With all the torment- pain," I pressed my words, feeling my shaky arm that was holding Chae's cross necklace with everything I got. "Lies, manipulation and deceit you have caused- to God's beloved creation," I paused when the struggle had became weaker under the water. "All shall return back to you. Everything, belongs to you"
I brought my head down, intending to look into the water but something that appeared to be like black ashes were floating, and they covered the entire surface of the water.
Sighing, I took my left hand up and saw the necklace in between my fingers that no longer had skin to wrap the flesh. There was no more scream. No more struggle. No more creature. No more demon that tried to deceive me with the image of someone I loved.
No more Asmodeus.
The sobs I had been holding in my chest barging out, making my lips trembled in agony. And I cried alone. I wept all by myself in the well, crying my heartbroken heart out for the inner voice of me that was saying; I couldn't return to Chae again.
I looked up, staring at the big cross one more time as I pressed the small one on my chest.
"Against You, You only, I have sinned" I sobbed. "Have mercy on me- oh God, forgive me. And done this evil in Your sight" The sadness in me multiplied, feeling how helpless I was under the cold water that couldn't heal my pain anymore. "Forgive me, My Lord, The Most Merciful" I whimpered with cries in the pain I wished no one would ever feel; burned, torn apart. "Take me back, God, please- take me back"
Curling my hand in, I felt the cross cutting into my flesh as I put all of my strength left along my trembling fingers.
Take me back, My Lord.
And my eyes were shut.
Psalm 51:1
Psalm 51:4
(NKJV)