Chapter Twenty-Five
"You can go now, class. I will see you this afternoon." Mr Hughes said just after the bell rang.
I wasn't hanging around with Cole, I wasn't going to stoop that low. I'd been here just over six weeks now and I wasn't taking a step backwards.
As I'd planned, I watched the class walk out. I saw Matt and Holly walk out of the room so I took that as my cue to leave. I wasn't the last one completely (some girl had spilled her water) but I was towards the back of them so it was good. I'll do a few laps then turn up to lesson, the old cow makes us wait at the bottom of the stairs for her anyway so by the time I'm done and get in the queue, she'll just be waddling down them.
In fact, I might just go and have half a fag. My nerves were fraught. I don't think I've smoked as much as I have this past week than I ever have in my life. Whenever thought to that letter came up, my instinct was to just light one up.
I exited the room and turned left, as per the one-way system.
"Bailey?" The voice wasn't loud but I heard it over the bustle of students. The Maths corridor was by far the busiest during the day. It was narrower than the English or Humanities corridor so you really got packed in. You went from being able to walk in a line of four to two.
I debated ignoring the voice but something in me stopped me from doing so. I turned around and in the process, was shoved to the side by the stream of students. Pushing through them, I aimed for the alcove and faced Golden Boy once we had a bit of space.
"Matt."
He gave me an awkward look. "Are you okay? I saw you walk into school this morning and you completely ignored us. If it's about what happened at Kieron's-"
"It's not." I cut him off. I mean, it was, but the main reason was the letter.
"Then what is the matter?" He replied. "I want you to be my friend."
I shrugged, I couldn't let him know about the letter. He'll probably defend his friends and say it wasn't them then say it isn't a big deal or something.
"Okay, so it was. It was weird and I didn't want it to be. I just wanted to be friends too and was spooked." I lied. I didn't want to be friends with him, I wanted to be his girlfriend. I just didn't trust him at the same time so I knew that wouldn't work too.
Hi face fell. He wasn't very good at hiding his emotions. "We can be friends still. Please sit with us at break?"
I stopped myself from pulling a face at the prospect of having to sit with them but my choices were seriously limited. If James said something, I was screwed. But the only other option was Cole and that was somehow worse.
His face was so dejected as well. I somehow ended up feeling guilty for the actions of his friends. Hmm... "Okay." I just wasn't going to say anything.
"Really?" He replied surprised.
I studied his features, the dimples that you just wanted to poke, the light that appeared in his brown eyes, the smile that changed his whole demeanour. He was so easy to please, it was like he was a puppy or something. And just like a puppy, I didn't want to hurt him.
This whole thing was just so messed up though. I wanted to go out with him but I couldn't because I'd slept with his best mate. I was getting stalker-y letters which could have been sent by any of them and he didn't think I had slept with Cole. Hell, Cole could have told them my address! And I couldn't trust anyone.
"Yeah.. think I'd rather slit my wrists than sit with Cole again." I joked. Cole must have told them my address. If he did, then he'll know who sent the letter! Oh, maybe I can ask him in Maths? But then, he didn't look out of sorts this morning, like he didn't appear to be hiding something so maybe not? Maybe he had told them drunk and forgotten?
Hmm... to be honest, Cole had always been a shit liar too. Or at least, he had to his mother if that counted for anything. I hadn't spoken to him enough recently to gage what his lying skills were like now.
"Will you? I mean, if you want we can just sit together and chill? Maybe eat outside behind the Sports Hall wall so that the dinner ladies won't catch us?"
I studied his face, he appeared sincere but then alone, what were we gonna talk about? Knowing me, I'd end up confessing everything or something! Perhaps I do need to tell him something though? I scoffed and shook my head mentally, I wasn't ready to tell him yet. He's gonna hate me. It's easier to just forget and move on. James wouldn't risk it either and nobody else in the school as far as I'm aware knows about what happened. If anyone asks, we kissed for a dare, it wasn't rocket science.
"Yeah we can do if you want? We should be able to sneak out some food fine." I replied. "We can go straight from maths if you want?"
He nodded his head, the smile on his face somehow getting wider. "I guess its best that we start walking to lesson now, huh? Before we get in trouble."
I glanced around me and chuckled when I noticed that apart from a few stragglers, the hallway was empty. Luckily we had Biology, otherwise we'd have been risking trouble and I didn't need any more of that!
****
"Still okay to sit behind sports hall just us two?" I asked in a whisper to avoid Holly who was still at her desk clearing up her things as we hovered around the entrance of the door waiting. We were leaving our bags in here (well, Matt was because I left mine at home) because it was our form room too so I had no idea what she was actually doing.
His face fell ashen, "Errrr... I invited the rest of the guys." He admitted in a sheepish tone. "Is... Is that okay?"
I gulped but managed, just, to keep my cool. I took a few breaths too just so that I didn't boil over in rage. He had only a couple of lessons ago said that it would just be both of us. How had he managed to invite everyone? I didn't want everyone there!
"Yeah of course, more the merrier." I lied.
"Sorry Bails, I didn't mean to I just mentioned it to Holly and she kind of invited herself."
"What you sorry for? You've done nothing wrong!" I protested and then stopped. He HAD done something wrong, he promised a dinner for just us two, why am I letting him get away with it? Can I even back out now?
"I feel like I have." He said.
"Hey Bailey! We eating outside then?" Holly interrupted as she bounced towards us. Her brown hair wrapped up in a bun at top of her head, her brown eyes flashing with happiness like they always did. I swear she didn't have any other emotions but joyful. It was infectious, usually, but in this instance I was a little peeved and it didn't seem to be shifting.
"Seems so." I replied, "Wanna eat inside though? Looks like it is gonna rain and I have to go and finish my English homework in the library so I'll only have ten minutes."
"Oh, Matt just said that you guys were eating behind the sports hall."
"Yeah, but I completely forgot." I fake laughed. "We'll still be able to have a catch up from the holidays. What did you get up to at Keiron's?" I winked.
She blushed and shook her head. "I did nothing, I had a few drinks then went home."
I rolled my eyes and pushed her jokingly into the group in front. Quickly hiding behind Matt, I hid my face in his back. "Don't hide behind me!" He protested with a laugh.
"Please!" I begged.
"Nope!" And he moved away just in time for Holly to hip bump me into the wall with a light crash.
"Boo, you whore." I quoted to Hol with a laugh as we approached the dining room. We were first in today so we could just queue up. James and Nathan won't be far behind us.
I scanned the menu and grimaced. Everything in this place had either dry cheese, beans or onions in I swear. I got an allowance from the school because we didn't have any money at home to actually feed me at school and what money Henry does give me goes towards alcohol and fags. I got enough for a school lunch but not a break or anything, which was rubbish.
I didn't tell anyone either that I was too poor to afford my own lunches, I wouldn't dare. They all know I'm a little less privileged than they are but I don't let them know the extent. I think they know I don't live with my parents but it probably stops there. They know we have a car because Henry has picked me up on more than a few occasions and that can't mean we are that poor, surely?
"What are you getting?" Matt asked as he leant over my shoulder. His lips were literally a couple of inches to my right and I would give anything to be able to just turn my face towards them and plant my own on his and not have any repercussions.
I sighed, I just wanted to be with him with no complications, but I literally have so many secrets that I have to keep and I know I am not good enough for him so I don't even know where to begin. It is just so hard. I've never wanted something so much that I could never have.
This was probably karma for all the shit that I had done in the past. Fuck sake. Life is stupid.
"I don't know." I breathed. "Probably just the cheese and onion pie."
"Sounds good. I might get the same as you." He volunteered as I realised that I didn't even ask him the question back. Huh, I was angry at him anyway and I didn't trust them. I mean, I kind of trusted Matt but not the rest and I don't know why I trusted him. He was a good guy but Nathan and James were alright too. Why Matt? It couldn't just be his good looks could it?
Well... I mean it got me in trouble with Cole so maybe it was. I wasn't really known for judging the men I had slept with logically. It was more based upon what level of smashed I was.
"Lovely."
"Are you sure you're okay?" He whispered.
I turned to face him, "Yeah, I'm fine," I lied. I couldn't be arsed with the drama. We were at the top of the queue. "Where is Nathan and James?" I mean if they can't make dinner it would be great... not that I was staying around for long, I was gonna go and sit behind the sports hall after dinner. I know I said I was gonna do the homework but who were we kidding? I've just kept my book on the desk after I've left my lesson because I've nothing to carry it in. I'll just copy off someone else later for any homework given.
"Nathan text me saying that they had an emergency rugby meeting."
"I forgot they play that." I said relieved. That made this dinner a little better. I wanted to ask how long they would be but I didn't want Matt to be more suspicious than he already was. Matt didn't play because he wasn't 'in' to rugby but I suspect that it may be more to do with him probably being a little shit. I mean, I don't even know if he likes sport. I think I've heard him mention football before but that is it.
I moved towards the dinner lady and ordered my food, because I got the cheese and onion pie, I could only get a bottle of water as the milkshake or juice was too much. This actually sucked, I hated water. I should have gone with the jacket potato with just butter so I could have had a proper drink.
This actually sucked.
I sat down as I waited for the other two, who probably got a dessert to go with their drinks. I sat around the corner, where we usually sat and just hoped the next ten minutes or so could go fast so that I could disappear and leave them alone. What if Nathan had written that note? Just think about it, what would it mean for him and Holly? What would Matt and James say? Would they care? Were they part of it? Do they know and are keeping it a secret? Fuck! This is torture!
"Sitting on your todd?" I didn't even bother looking up at Cole.
"No, Matt and Hol are just getting their dinner now." I replied.
"Knew you'd make friends. The guy kisses your arse so much."
"Sod off Cole, nothing has been sorted yet." I told him. "It's just the better-"
"-than sitting with me, I know, I know. Change the record." He finished my sentence which made me even more annoyed. "I just didn't want you to end up like Smelly Sam."
"He's a good guy Cole, leave him alone." I snapped. "Now go and sit with your mates, I'll see you later in form."
"Nah, I'm leaving in a minute, just grabbing some dinner."
This peaked my attention. "Why?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" He countered, an eyebrow raised.
"Errr, yeah I would. If you're leaving this shit hole then I want to." It would be so much better than having to avoid Matt and have small talk with him. It was difficult and today had been hard.
"Well I'm leaving to meet this girl so I don't want you around." He said.
"Like I care about that, just help me leave and I'll let you do whatever you want."
"Okay, well we'll go after form so we can get a mark on the register."
"Perfect."