Hi guys! I know it's been forever since I updated so I thought I would bring back a chapter with a lot of emotion and a twist! Don't worry guys. You know me, every time you think the story is gonna go one way I always take another turn. Yes, I definitely read all your comments and took in consideration all of your thoughts and ideas so don't worry and I hope you guys enjoy! *Also there's no shame in going back to previous chapters and jogging your memory of what happened prior. I know it's been a hot minute lol
I stood there frozen in time. I didn't know what to say. He cleared his throat and awkwardly brushed himself off.
"Uh, you did great out there."
I felt my eyes start to tear up for some unknown reason. I didn't know if it was because he was finally wanting to speak to me and I wasn't pulling for somebody who didn't want to be around me, but whatever feeling it was. It felt good.
"Thank you."
I looked over at the couch and saw a bouquet of roses that was laying beside the place he sat. He glanced over at them and then nervously looked back up at me. He picked them up and started walking towards me, but then he stopped in the middle of the room.
"Uh.. these are for you."
I grabbed them and he nervously cleared his throat again and started rubbing the back of his neck.
"I wanted- I mean the guys and I... like us...umm collectively wanted to get you something."
I chuckled and looked up at him.
"I love them. Thank you."
"Yea, no problem."
We both stood there awkwardly for a second. I cleared my throat and then walked dover to the vanity and sat the flowers down. I looked down for a second and then I looked up in the mirror and we both saw each other in the reflection. We both paused and then I turned around and he quickly walked over and came over and grabbed my face and kissed me. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to my body. He dropped his hands and I grabbed his neck while he picked me up and put me on top of the vanity. He gripped my waist and pulled me closer every time we kissed. I let go and he kissed my neck.
"Zion.."
He moved back up and then grabbed my waist again. He kissed me one more time and then looked at me.
"I heard you out there."
I looked at him and didn't say anything.
"Zion, I-"
"Why do we always end up doing this?"
I looked down and took a deep breath as I played with the bottom of his shirt.
"Nessa, look at me."
I looked back up at him and sighed.
"It's what we do."
"Well, I don't want this to be what we do anymore. I don't wanna keep breaking up to realize why we want each other."
"I don't either."
He looked down at his shoes and sighed and placed his hands on the side of the vanity on the outsides of my legs.
"I don't ever want anyone besides you. Every time I see you I want you, but we both agreed that we either got it right or it's over."
"I know."
"It's the same cycle every time, and neither of us deserve that."
He looked back up at me.
"Despite how bad I want you."
I just looked at him and grabbed his face. He took my hands off and then backed up and walked out of the room. I sat there on the vanity counter and sighed. I looked down at the roses. I got off the counter and grabbed my stuff and walked out. I got in the Uber and rode to the boy's house. I looked outside the window on the way there and just thought about everything. What if it was never meant to be me and Z? What if this was it for us, and the repeated fights were just a sign that we just weren't suppose to be together. I was deep in thought and then realized we were at the house. I took a deep breath and then got out and walked inside. I saw all the boys friends and mine and Zara. It was actually a large group of people and there was music playing throughout the house. I walked up and gave Zara another hug.
"Oh, there's my superstar."
"Hey."
"So, how about that performance."
"Yea...about that Zara, look I-"
"I loved it."
"You did? You weren't mad?"
"You stayed true to what your heart was telling you as an artist. How could I be mad at that?"
"Thank, Zara."
"I might have to speak to some media outlets to dispute their confusion on the song choice, but your fans are loving it. Twitter is blowing up over it."
I looked over at Zara's phone.
"Wow, they really like my song."
"When you start singing for yourself instead of what you think is gonna please others then you really start making music."
I smiled, and then her phone started to ring. She looked down at it and back up at me.
"Oh my god!"
"What?"
"There were some record reps at the show to see you like I told you and I think they really like your performance so they might wanna sign you!"
"Shut up!"
"I'm gonna go outside and take this."
"Okay, hurry!"
She rushed out the door with her head pressed to her phone. Signing to an official record label had been one of my biggest dreams. I looked around for Kayla to see if she was around to share the good news with her. I brushed past some people while also saying my hello's and accepting thank you's. I ended up in the kitchen and turned around and bumped some girl.
"Oh, I'm so sorry-"
I paused and noticed it was Danni.
"Nessa, right?"
"Yea...Danni?"
"Yea, Danni. You're the girl who came and interrupted at the studio...and also who showed up at Cade's place."
"Yea-"
"Zion!"
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry, I just remembered that you're also the chick who messed with Z after me. That's where I recognized you before."
"Actually, you messed with him after me..."
"Then he came back afterwards...twice."
"Yea, well he ended up with me so."
"So then where is he?"
"Excuse me?"
"Well, if you guys ended up together then where is your man right now?"
I looked down at the ground and didn't say anything.
"Oh, there he is. Talking to that other girl..."
I looked back and saw Z talking to some random girl in the corner. He looked up at me and I looked away.
"I think he might be getting her number. You might want to go check up on that relationship instead of showing up at your ex-hook up's place every two days. I mean I'm just saying Zion wasn't obviously satisfied with you the first time....or the second time... so I would be worried if I were you. I mean unless you guys aren't together anymore. Cause Lord knows he seemed to find a way to come back to me whether you guys were together or not so."
I felt my face grow hot.
"Oh, and can't forget about Cade-"
"You need to check who the hell you're talking to."
"And you should really check who you should sleep with. Seems like your indecisiveness gets you into some shitty situations, doesn't it?"
I stood there and looked over into the distance past her and saw Cade start to walk up to us with two cups in his hands. I looked back at Danni and saw a smirk come across her face as she looked back and saw Cade too. I looked back over at Z and saw him look at me. I looked back at Cade and then backed away and walked out of the kitchen.
"Nessa, wait!"-Both of them
I brushed past everyone and went upstairs and ran into Zion's room and shut the door behind me. I felt my chest close up as I tried to gasp for air between my sobs. I paced back and forth and continued to cry. I heard the door open and saw Cade come in and shut it behind me.
"Cade, get out."
"Nessa, please. I had no idea Danni was gonna say that stuff."
"You told her?! You just had to let her know how much I fucked up, didn't you! Let me guess you've been dying to tell somebody about how much I screwed you over, right!"
I paused as I heard the door open again and saw Z come in and shut it behind him.
"Nessa, I'm so-"-Cade
"I didn't even know they were gonna be here-"-Z
"Both of you stop!"
They both stood there and looked at me.
"You guys win alright! Ya'll win!"
"Nessa..."-Z
"I have wasted so much time trying to make up for all the shit I did. I tried to fix it for you. Then I tried to fix it for you. Then I tried to fix it for me, and none of it worked! It will always be held over my head! I fucked Cade after we broke up, alright! I dropped you as soon as Zion was available! I lied about who I slept with and that I was pregnant when I wasn't actually pregnant! Is that what you want to hear? You guys were right! I'm selfish. I love you guys selfishly and I don't want either one of you to have anybody else! I keep going back to Zion! I always go back to you because I love you! I love Cade because he's there for me! I can't let either one of you go. It's always an endless cycle and it's never gonna stop! Danni's right! I'm fucking selfish and indecisive and that's why all this fucked up shit happened! I want to keep both of you! So if neither of you are actually gonna stay in my life then let me go! I can't keep doing this with you, Z! I can't keep doing this with you, Cade! I have broken myself and pieced myself back together so many times for both of you! For what? I'm still broken! I'm still hurt! I still don't know what the hell to do, but I can't catch a fucking breaking because everywhere I look or anyone I talk to I get reminded of how much I screwed up! I'm sorry alright! I'm so sorry! I've don't everything I could, but nothing I do will ever be good enough! Actually, I won't ever be good enough! Because I'm the problem-"
"Nessa, don't say that.-"
"What? The truth?! You don't want me to say what everyone around me has thought for the past three years! I'm the issue! I'm the source of all the fucked up shit that I put you both through! But I can't keep reliving this same hell for my entire life! So just let me go!-"
"Nessa."
"No! Stop lying to me or making me think that if I solve some shit or if I get this part of my life right everything will be fixed! Stop making me think that there's something that I will be able to fix when there's not!"
"Nessa, please-"
"You can't fix me, Zion! Neither can Cade, so since I'm the issue let me go! Stop letting me believe that if I change myself then you both will love me again because you won't!"
"We-"
"Just let me go!"
I tried to catch my breath from almost hyperventilating. I just looked at both of them as they stood speechless. I wiped my tears and pushed past both of them and opened the door and walked out. I walked downstairs and felt an arm grab me.
"Nessa, you good?"
"Nick, just move."
"Nessa, what's wrong?"
"Nick, I said move!"
"Nah, fuck this. I'm not gonna do this back and forth shit."
He bent over and put me over his shoulder and walked me to his room.
"Nick!"
He shut the door and put me down.
"Nick, what the hell!"
"I'm not Z. I'm not about to go back and forth with you."
"Get out of my way."
"Tell me why you're upset."
"Will you just move!"
"I'll move when you tell my why you come downstairs bawling your eyes out."
"Nick, just stop!"
"Nessa, talk to me!"
"I'm the issue so will you just get the fuck out of my way!"
"I'm not doing this you."
"Do what, Nick? Are you not gonna argue back or tell me it's my fault or cuss me out!"
I got up and got in his face.
"Nessa."
"You're like the only person who hasn't let me have it over the million mistakes I made so I know you're dying to so let me hear it."
"Nessa, stop!"
"Then move!"
I tried to brush past him but he stopped me.
"Nick, just let me go!"
"Nessa."
I started to shove him and push on his chest.
"Why won't you let me go!"
"Nessa."
"Why won't anybody let me go! Just let me go!"
I started pushed harder. I started to become hysterical and feel the sobs start to grow stronger.
"Just let me go! Let me go!"
I started just beating on his chest trying to let out all the hurt and frustration and I just became so overwhelmed I couldn't form words.
"Le- me go!"
Nick grabbed my arms and pulled me into his chest as I sobbed onto him. I started to shake and he just pulled me closer.
"Why won't they just let me go."
I continued to cry and fell into Nick's arm harder and harder. It felt like hours or days before I could stop crying. It wasn't like before where I just collapsed in the tears that filled me. I just felt all the pain and frustration from all the mistakes, all the fights, and all the tears before. They just flooded my mind and my heart. It was so painful and felt like it would never stop. I felt vulnerable and broken as I stood there crying my heart into Nick. I just felt like I couldn't stop screwing up. It felt like every time I took a breath it was a mistake, and it felt like all the times I fucked up felt like it became who I was. It was an indescribably feeling of feeling like being a failure was part of your genetic makeup. It felt so familiar to me that I didn't care if I did it again. I took a deep breath and looked up at him. He looked at my eyes and for the first time I accepted myself for what I was. Broken. I kept repeated my endless cycle of mistakes over and over and I didn't care. They were gonna be held over me no matter what so might as well do something that felt good. I stared at him for a second and moved my hadn't around his neck and pulled him in and kissed him.