Regret:// sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair
I've felt this way before right? It's not another deja vu feeling you get knowing that what's occurring before your eyes couldn't truly have been before. Yes, definitely I've felt this way before. The ominous feeling of being caught in some awful circumstances that cuts your gut wide open. The hammer that slams into the nail reinforcing the truth that was already before your eyes but for some reason decided to ignore. It's actually days like these that make you realize your infamous stupidity. It maybe it wasn't stupidity.
I was sitting at the lake, mid afternoon something I hadn't done in a while. I was here with my usual company, pines and oaks, birds and wood peckers and only today the trout seemed to be in a rather good mood coming up every now and again to look at me. Or maybe the real reason was because I was throwing my lunch down at them.
I couldn't stay in the house any longer, after being cooped up for two days I felt a little sunlight was in order. I gave Andrew's garage a wide girth just in case my feet felt like taking a new direction, I haven't called or seen him and he hadn't attempted either. His girlfriend was here, slightly loud too and maybe just a little over irrational so I doubt he'd have time for conversation. My heart sank at the thought.
Even with knowing that there was someone special to him, it didn't prevent us from spending time with each other. Er....Maybe that came out wrong. I took a deep breath. I doubt I was going to like her very much, even though I didn't have to but I wasn't appreciative of her time or behavior. I wasn't half naked around andrew, I was fully clothed in his shirt and my pants. If she'd just give him the chance to explain, she'd known all that! Maybe leaving with notifying Andrew was disrespectful but since she started to question his fidelity I knew it was my time to leave.
Andrew was not exactly a complete gentleman but he was considerate at the very least, he's never flirted, not to my knowledge, not with me and though he doesn't exactly advertise their relationship I could He was rather respectful of it. Okay so I really pissed of at her actions and I deeply regret maybe causing it in the first place. If I hadn't fallen asleep, I would be gotten home that night and he wouldn't have had such a horrible morning. Especially since, he might have been longing to see her again.
Oh crap, what The hell am I upset when it's probably my fault! Shit!I
I glanced from the water as a vibration sounded against the boards. I bit the insides of my cheeks trying not to freak out and Peter's name down the face of my phone. Keep the conversation short, don't admit to anything. Right. This was peter.
"Peter"
I made my voice cheerful hoping I'd steer the conversation from the book.
"You sound better than the last time kendall"
"Yep" I said nodding for emphasis. "Soaking up some sun and you"
" Well truly I could be having a better morning but that's spilt coffee" I listen as he moved something around his desk"
"I'm not there Peter so you should be having a wonderful life until I get back"
He groaned and I started to laugh.
"Joked aside" he said getting serious. "This is week three kendall of four. I've already made a few appointments out of town for your book tour"
"Peter"
"And there's also one in Frankfurt that I'd like to confirm with you"
"Peter" I said again.
"Kendall, listen, I know you might want to settle for the mediocrity but I can't allow such nonsense anymore. Your fan base is picking up and while you might believe that you hadn't handle the sociality of it all I'm telling you, you can"
"Can't we just talk about this when I get back"
"No" he replied. "So tell me is there anyway we can have this book to the reviewers before next week?"
" Nope"
"Kendall"
"Peter. I'm tired okay. I'm sorry, I'm trying. It's still a working progress. I just....I just have a lot on my plate right now. I don't think I can handle touring"
"When last have you slept with someone? And I don't mean lying next to them I mean...."
" a month maybe " I said cutting him off after getting a visual. "Why?"
" Find someone"
"What? I'm not sexually deprived"
"Despite what people might say sex is good, it can serve as a good distraction or alleviate stress"
I rolled my eyes. "And where am I gonna find a guy for that now peter, my boyfriend left me almost a month now"
"I'm sure you've had your eyes on someone or they've had their eyes on you. It's summer kenzy. Don't waste it. One week" he said and hung up.
His call left an awful twist in my gut. Sure it was summer and I definitely remember what happens during summer. Everything that could ever go wrong. Broken relationships, wrecked lives, pregnancies and nightmares you live your entire life. That wasn't the summer I wanted to have and while the truth was yes, there was someone that I had taken a liking to, there was nothing to be had except friendship so this summer I was leaving empty handed.
*********************************
I retired editing for the evening and headed to Tino's for happy hour. I had more than become accustomed to having enjoy my own company. I haven't a clue where Philly was half the time either, which meant she was more than having a good time. The bar was scanty at seven but that wasn't too much of a surprise, he was just opening up for the night. When I say my confused butt down he handed me my lemon water. I smiled feeling rather special that he had memorized my drink, a lot more than what I could say from the cafe I worked. The music was slow and soft and then the revelry began shortly after.
Nothing was more noisy than a pack of drunk men and bikers to that effect. I turned my attention back to my drink when some sat beside me. The perfume was a tad high for an early night and without looking I knew it was a woman. It was surprising that people tried to get around in this town, it was so small, I was sure everyone should have known everyone; even with passbyers every now and again. I pursed my lips keeping my eyes on my drink feeling her gaze, I prayed she wasn't taking a liking to me because I wasn't in the frame of mind for any type of conversation, worst from a woman.
"Hey"
My body stiffened when I heard her speak but then I started to relax after processing the voice. I looked up. It was Heather and she was speaking to me. Ha!
"Hi" I replied giving me a fake smile then returning my attention back to my glass rolling my eyes.
"How's andrew? I saw him sometime ago?"
" Uh, I don't know hopefully the same you saw him the last time" I said after swirling the glass of ice and deciding I was gonna tune her out. I wasn't sure what she was up to but I wasn't planning on playing along. I signaled for tino to pour me another glass as our conversation went incognito.
"Hey kenzy"
Brian took a stool and sat beside me after nodding at Heather who smiled back.
"Hey brian" I replied then checked around for his little friend. "Where's Philly?"
He gave me a surprised expression then shrugged. "Don't know. Haven't seen her in a while" he motioned for a beer and sat waiting.
"What?"
" Yeah, I know we kinda give the impression always being together but we aren't. I don't know where she is"
I sat slightly distressed. She wasn't going out with me or Brian and she wasn't at the house so where could she be?
"So where's andrew? Isn't he coming? " asked heather.
Couldn't not ask about him could you?
"Oh yeah, he's with his girlfriend, Gale. When she's here no one sees him anymore"
Heather glanced over at me trying to extract some form of annoyance from my expression. I already knew about his girlfriend, but I wasn't that bothered about it for her to know. Sorry heather maybe another time.
"Well" I said standing up and leaving my bill. "I think this is it for me tonight, gotta go find my bestfriend"
"You want me to drop you off?" Asked Brian lying down his change as well .
"Sure, wasn't really looking forward to talking back anyway".