Liam
My heart was pounding in my chest as I stood in the living room, waiting for the moment she would walk in.
I hadn't planned what I was going to say.
Every time I even thought about talking to her, I'd just break into sweats.
I haven't been this nervous for anything, in a really long time, but then again, I hadn't done anything this important in a long time either, something that wasn't about Bea.
I was ready to do this.
I was going to tell Rena that I love her.
Fuck. I'm not ready.
My bright idea was to lie.
I didn't want to, but it was needed because I think I'm the last person that Rena would want to see right now.
My reaction to her confession wasn't the best. I never said it back to her. Hell, I never even chased her. After a lot of scolding by my parents and hers, I'd realised how dumb of a thing that was to do.
I wanted to tell Bea first, to make sure that she was okay with what I was going to do.
Bea was fast asleep, hugging her little toy turtle closer to her, as the other one slept in his little glass kingdom.
I was just so excited to tell her that I was going to confess to Rena.
I felt bad to wake her up, but I wanted her to know. Immediately, when Bea's eyes opened, she jumped up and into my arms.
Before she broke a rib of mine, I sat Bea down and asked her if it was okay if I liked Rena. She seemed very happy about that and then when I asked her if it was okay that I loved Rena and wanted her to be mine, Bea looked ecstatic.
She wanted to go to Rena in that minute. I told her we just had to wait a little more, until I figured out how I would do this.
So, back to the lie I told...
In a moment of both bravery and stupidity, I called Sara and Danny for help.
After a lot of convincing, and I mean a lot, they finally agreed to hear me out and I spent about two hours, the day after Christmas, telling them that I really, really loved Rena and just wanted a chance to beg her for both forgiveness and for her love.
Danny looked like he wanted beat the shit out of me and I didn't blame him, but he also finally agreed that I deserved a chance. Especially if it meant no more hurt for Rena.
He was very clear on how he was only doing this for Rena, and only her.
So, after a lot of talking they said Rena wouldn't want to see me, but they could let me use their place for a little bit, so we could talk.
They basically encouraged me to lie and I did.
It was why I'm currently standing in the middle of their living room and scared shitless.
Rena thought she was coming over to hang out with Danny and Sara, and I wasn't going to tell her any different.
I needed her to hear me out. I need to tell her the truth.
I'm so fucking in love with her.
I could feel my hands beginning to feel all clammy again, and then I heard the door.
This is it.
Deep breaths, Liam. Just like Rena says.
The keys jingled in the lock for a second and then the door clicked open.
I held my breath, waiting for her to walk in, and when she finally did I felt like room instantly lit up. Because why wouldn't it?
"Children? I'm home!" She called out thinking she was talking to Danny and Sara and then dropped her bag down and took off her coat.
She walked further into the living room, completely oblivious to my presence. It took a second, but when her eyes landed on me, she took a step back.
She looked like a deer caught in headlights.
"Rena," I said and took a step forward, only for her to take one back, shaking her head at the sight of me.
"What are you doing here?" She asked me, looking around. Most likely she was searching for her friends, but they wanted to give us some privacy and made sure to stay out of their own home.
Not my best moment, making a pregnant woman leave her home, but she wanted for things to work out. I made a mental note to buy Sara something amazing.
I took a deep breath, and took another step forward, as Rena took another one back.
"I needed to see you," I told her.
She carried on shaking her head, looking around. "This isn't-...I can't," she said and then turned away from me and began to gather up her bag and coat.
"Please," I pleaded and she froze in her movements. "Just hear me out, just once. If at the end you decide it's too much for you, I'll leave. I'll stay away," I told her.
It was true. If after all that I have to say, she still doesn't want to be around me, I'll stay out of her way. I'll make sure she sees Bea, but as of me, I'll do whatever she wants. Even if it hurts me.
She then turned around and stood there.
Her eyes seemed like they were searching mine for something, but she didn't say anything. Instead, she dropped her coat and bag on the floor, right beside her feet and just stood frozen.
I took this as an acceptance of her staying and took a deep breath, before I started.
"I'm sorry," were my first words to her, words that she deserved to hear and I was so late in saying.
"I'm so sorry, I never realised your worth in my life. Your importance. Your love," I listed and I could see her hands faintly shaking. "I'm sorry I was an idiot to not see it and realise it before."
Rena shook her head and looked away from me and down at the floor.
"Please, don't-" she choked out, and I could tell she was having trouble keeping the pain out of her voice.
One more deep breath and I was ready.
"I'm in love with you, Serena Hastings." I admitted.
Her head snapped up to look at me and her eyes were rimmed with tears, the redness in them visible.
"You're lying," she stated and shook her head. "I'm not doing this, Liam," she told me and began to turn away.
"I'm begging you, Rena. Please?" I pleaded once more.
She didn't turn back, but she still didn't take a step away either.
"Just-...just give me a chance to be worthy of you," I begged her, feeling the ache in my heart.
"I've made some mistakes in my life and my biggest mistake will be not begging you to give me a chance to prove to you, how much I love you. I'll do whatever it takes. I can't lose you. I just can't," I told her.
I couldn't lose her. The thought of not seeing her, it caused anxiety within me and I just wanted to do everything to keep her with me. To keep her by my side. In my life, forever.
"Stop-" I heard Rena say, with her back still turned towards me, but I couldn't stop now.
"I'm selfish, Rena. In every sense of the word," I said. "You've given me everything, and yet still, I'm still shamelessly asking for more," I said.
"I want you, Rena. I want all of you. So much that it hurts," I told her.
This would be the last favour I ask from her.
I heard her take a sharp breath and I could see her hands clenched into fists by her side.
I smiled through my aching heart. "I love you, Rena," I confessed again because it felt so good to say the words. I felt a warmth in my chest when I said it and every heart string tugged in the best way possible.
"What I feel for you, it's not just something one friend feels for another, it's what someone in love, feels for another," I continued to smile, a fuzzy feeling was in embedded in me, ever since it dawned on me that I really loved her.
The timing wasn't right, but I let out a little chuckle. "I was stupid before and misunderstood all the signs, all the signals," I spoke, wiping away the few tears that escaped me.
"I thought it was wrong. I thought I would wreck whatever it was between us and that you could never feel what I feel. When I looked you, my heart would literally skip a beat but I was so terrified the moment I tell you this, any of this, you'd never want to be near me. I couldn't lose you, so I held back."
Serena then wrapped her arms around herself and all I wanted was to be the one hug her close. To hold her.
"Don't-" she said again, but I didn't listen.
"I-I thought I could bury the feelings, but I couldn't. Just being around you, I couldn't help but continue to fall for you. I knew I had to take a leap and just tell you, but I again thought maybe you were still hurting and it would be too soon."
"But then on your birthday, the road trip and then finally when we sat in the fort, I had to tell you. I wanted to tell you that night, but I thought maybe I couldn't make some elaborate gesture and confess. I promise, I wanted to tell you some other way. But it's still the truth.
"I love you," I told her, again.
I'll tell her as many times as it takes to make her believe or however many times she wants to hear it.
My words hung in the air and Rena said nothing, except take a few shaky breaths.
Just as I was going to say something, she spoke first.
"No," she said and I was left confused.
"No?" I asked.
She shook her head and then turned around to face me, showing me the sadness and hurt in her eyes and broken expression on her face.
"No," she repeated the word. "This-...this isn't real. You say you love me now, but only because I told you how much I have loved you. This is just pity, it's not-" she rambled.
I took a step forward, interrupting her rambling.
"It's not pity, Rena." I told her sternly. "If I pitied you, I wouldn't be here begging and fighting for just a chance to be with you."
I knew she wouldn't believe my words straight away but I couldn't let her believe something false either.
If anything, I was hoping she'd take pity on me. Have some kind of mercy and let me love her.
"You don't love me, Liam." She stated, as if it were a fact, but she was so far from the truth.
"I love you and only you, Rena." I told her again, looking her in the eyes, hoping she would at least see my honesty in them.
She turned her face away from me.
"I love the way your smile reaches your eyes and lights up the entire the room," I began to say. "I love how you always tug on your hair when you're stressed and then scrunch up your face in annoyance. I love how you look at red velvet cakes, like they are the true form of happiness, and then the way you pout when it's all gone. I love how protective you are of the ones you care about and how you can be so selfless for them. I love how one sip of hot chocolate causes a child-like grin on your lips. I love how much you love Bea, and how you're so perfect with her. The way you take a deep breath of your coffee mug. How much you cherish a good hot chocolate. I love your laugh - it's one of my favourite sounds ever."
Rena was sniffling at this point and still didn't look at me, only keeping her arms around her body as if it were a shield.
"There is an infinite amount of things I love about you, I could keep going until you have to tell me to breathe again," I told her.
Serena took a deep breath, and finally wiped away the tears from her and looked at me.
"I'm not her, Liam. I'm not Julie and I'll never be her. She was the love of your life, and I can't-...I can't betray her like that. You only think you love me, because she's not here anymore. I'm not going to be a second choice," she said softly.
I knew this was something she would think about.
Another step forward and I was closer to her.
"I don't want you to be her. I want you to be Rena. I want you. I love you," I told her.
"There is no one else. There's only you. I love you and only you. And I will only love you till the end of my time," I said.
It was stupid of me to be so oblivious when I was younger but had I realised it before, I think it would've crushed us all, since nothing could be done about it.
The idea of loving someone after Julie wasn't easy for me. It never occurred to me.
It took a second to come to terms with it, but I knew I was allowed to fall in love again. I was allowed to be okay and be happy.
"I can't have my heartbroken again, I can't take it," Rena spoke, her voice a whisper.
"You won't-" I shook my head at her.
I took a chance and stepped closer to Serena, now standing right in front of her. I moved my hands to gently cup her face gently and tilted it upwards, so she'd look towards me.
Her lips quivered and her eyes shone with tears.
"I promise you, I'll shatter my own heart before I let even a scratch form on yours. I'm so sorry I hurt you before, I'm so sorry. Please, don't leave me because I'm an idiot," I begged her, feeling a panic within me, because I still didn't know what she was thinking or feeling.
"You really are an idiot," she finally spoke, after a few intense seconds of silence.
I chuckled, taking in a few shaky breaths after holding my breath, waiting for her to say something.
Placing my forehead against hers, I smiled, whilst Rena just closed her eyes.
"A big idiot," I stated. "You keep me sane, you make me happy, you even remind me to breathe when I forget," I told her.
Hearing her tell me to breathe was all I needed for my heart to remember to continuing beating.
Rena moved away from me, taking a few steps back and it caused all the warmth to fade away from me.
She still held that sad look, like something was within in and she couldn't say it.
Cautiously, I took a few more steps forward towards Rena and just wrapped my arms around her securely.
"Please? Rena, I'm begging you for a chance to stay in your life," I told her, as she began to squirm in my arms, trying to pull away.
"You don't," she said, her hands were hitting my chest lightly, as she began to let out little whimpers.
"I love you," I told her again and I could feel her shake her head.
I pulled away from her abruptly, but only slightly, so she could look into my eyes.
She held onto my arms at the sudden action on my part.
"Listen to me, Rena. Listen to my words," I started saying slowly, so that my words were clear and loud.
"I'm in love with you. Every single breath, every heartbeat, my entire being is so madly in love with you. If you don't believe anything, believe me on this, I'm in love with you and only you," I told her.
She just looked at me, as if in a daze, then a tear dropped from her eyes, then another and another, until she eventually broke down crying, holding onto my arms for support.
The sound of her sobs broke my heart, and all I wanted to do was take away the pain, that no doubt I was causing her.
I could feel her legs beginning to give way, and so gently I began to lower us down to the floor, still holding onto Rena tightly.
This time I was going to catch her and I'm never letting her go.
Her fists clenched around my shirt , as she buried her face further into my chest.
I wasn't sure if she was hiding her tear-stricken face away from me. I didn't want that, never did I want her to hide away from me anymore, or hide her feelings.
Rena's breathing began to even and I could tell she was no longer crying, but she still held onto me tightly.
I wanted her to believe me when I told her I loved her. I wanted her to trust me.
I pulled away from Serena causing her to shift and then look up towards me.
We were both resting on our knees.
Feeling brave, I leaned forward, raising myself to kneel. I cradled Rena's face, who just looked at me with both shock and confusion.
"What are you doing?" She asked me, looking incredibly confused and shocked by my actions.
I smiled her. "If I pulled you close right now, would you stop me?" I asked.
Her eyes went wide and I knew she realised that I remembered.
How could I forget? That moment was everything to me and in my stupid, intoxicated haze, I had assumed I dreamt it.
I didn't realise that I have lived that moment and loved every second of it.
I remembered holding her close, her lips on mine, her hands in my hair, mine on her waist. Everything. I remembered everything.
"You-" a whisper came from her lips.
"I remember," I smiled. "Don't hurt me, but I thought I dreamt that we kissed."
Rena smacked my arm.
"I'm sorry," I winced. "Honestly, I thought that moment could only exist in a dream. I didn't think it actually happened."
"I thought you forgot it all," Rena whispered.
"Why did you tell me?" I asked her.
The way she ran out of my place the next morning made sense, she was hurt and couldn't be near me. But for weeks, I wracked my brain for what I must've done, only to realise it much later.
"I was scared," she replied, bowing her head down.
It was sad, but I understood what she meant.
I gently held her face and angled it upwards so she would look at me again, so I could see her eyes.
"Rena, look into my eyes and see for yourself if I'm lying when I tell you, I am so immensely and ineffably in love with you," I told her.
She looked at me, again like she was searching my eyes for the truth. I was confident that she'd find no other truth, but the one I confessed.
A moment later, Rena smiled but then enclosed her hands around my wrists, pulling them away from her face and in front of us.
"I know you're not lying," she said, softly. Her eyes were reddened, as were her nose and cheeks, but her smile still made her glow.
I couldn't help but smile too, as Rena said those words.
"But I can't do this," she then said, and my smile fell instantly.
"I-I don't understand?" I said, confused.
"I love you, Liam. You know I do. I've always loved you and I probably always will."
There probably haven't been more beautiful words. She loves me!
"But I want to think about me first this time. I want to be able to trust you," Rena added.
"I'm telling you the truth," I told her, still a little bewildered.
Her head tilted to the side a little, a small smile on her face, and moved one hand forward to place against my cheek.
"I believe you. I do. I believe your words. But I don't trust your feelings," she said.
My heart dropped.
Suddenly, I was glad we were already on the floor or my legs would've given out.
"I know that it sounds horrible and that it may make you hate me, but I can't let myself get hurt by you. I'm so scared this is all going to be too much for you and someday you're going to change your mind and I'll be the one crushed. I don't want hate you, Liam. I don't want-"
Her voice cracked and the tears began to well up again.
When she covered her face with her hands, I quickly hugged her, tucking her into my chest and gently stroking her hair.
"Hey. Stop. Don't cry, okay? Please?" I asked her.
Her cries slowly turned into sniffles and I smiled sadly, knowing that I had caused all of this.
"I understand. I haven't done enough or rather anything for you to trust me feelings, but just know that I really do love you Rena. I do. And I am willing to work for it," I told her.
There was a small part of me that felt that this may happen. However, I was damned as if that was going to stop me.
I knew that my feelings were true and if I needed to prove it, so be it.
Rena leaned away to look at me, a small frown on her face and her brows furrowed together.
I wiped away the remnants of tears and moved the stray hairs away from her face.
"Take as much time as you need. An eternity if you need it. When we're all old, grey and wrinkly, I'll still love you and if you say it's time, then I'll take your hand in mine and tell you how much I love you again and again."
When Rena shook her head and I cradled it gently, making her look at me and then I nodded. She didn't have to trust my feelings yet, but I needed her to trust me.
"You're sure about this?" She questioned. I could see the hesitation in her eyes.
"It took me ages to realise. I'm not going to hesitate anymore. I'm sure," I told her.
I kneeled and pulled Rena closer by her waist. The sudden action caused her hands to be placed on my chest and I smiled, keeping one hand on her waist, the other in her hair.
Her face was angled up towards me, just how I wanted it, I could see her eyes and all the emotion in them. I could see the effect my words had on her and how she truly felt.
"After spending your life in love with me, let me spend mine, trying to love you more, even if it takes forever?" I asked her.
The next few seconds, my heart stopped beating waiting for her answer, until she finally nodded and smiled, and just like that, it started beating.
I didn't waste any time, pulling her into a tight hug, resting my head in the crook of her neck. When her hands moved up and she hugged me back, clutching my shirt, I sighed in content.
"I love you," I told her.
Her hands gripped me tighter and I don't know how, but I could feel her smile.
***
Hope you enjoyed the read:)