A thought that has since burrowed itself into the depths of my brain, is most likely the thought that our sole purpose of being born, is to die. And while that's cute and all, I didn't have a death wish, until Jeremy literally walked into my life.
I'm not going to bore you with the over-exaggerated details of every ounce of my existence and the shit I've overcome to get to the point that I'm at, but rather, I'm just going to outright tell you that I, as a human being, generally want to be happy. I want to do something with my life; y'know, make it worthwhile. And while I have a thought that's lurking in the back of my head, screaming: 'That's impossible', I do my best to ignore it.
So, with that beginning aside, I may very well mention what's wrong with me. There's lots of things, but I'll just spill the main details; I'm insane. Literally. Like, dignosed with being somewhat crazy, insane. Almost threw myself into a mental hospital, insane.
I'm not going to tell you who I am, because I know the more you read, the more you'll probably understand who I am. I don't know why you'd care, but it's also kind of crucial, so whatever; read if you want.
This is just the beginning of how my shitty life is panning out so far.
* * *
"Yo, okay, spill," Jeremy said, plopping himself down on the garbage bench outside, somewhere on campus, that was, quite literally, almost going to crumble. "Who's this dammed girl who I might as well shoot?"
"No shooting." I nonchalantly replied, lighting two cigarettes: one for me, the other for him.
"Wha- That's not fair!"
"It is." I answered back to his clear begging as he took the lit cigar from my hand, nearly burning himself in the process, and putting it between his so obviously chapped lips. "You can't just shoot people."
"Clearly you haven't met me."
"Oh, that's nice."
I heard him groan obnoxiously loudly, crossing his legs: right over left, like it should be. I rolled the cigarette around between my finger, just taking a second to appriciate the power that I've grown accustommed to.
"Michael," Jeremy started once more, drawing my attention to him almost instantanously. "We're going to get in shit."
"You don't say. And, wait, when do you care, anyway? We get in trouble all of the time and you don't care then, you just get pissed and then embarrassed later. It's literally a cycle."
"I'm trying to be normal."
"Yeah, but you're not. Not even close, love."
He groaned again. "I'm. Trying."
"Try harder."
"Jesus fucking Christ, just- be supportive for a change, yeah?" He hissed- in a demanding manner, which I responded by sticking up my middle finger directly in his field of view, and pulling out my phone to scroll through some stupid social media, which I wasn't even sure why I had. I'm barely on it.
"When do your classes start?" Jeremy questioned, shoving my hand away closer to me.
"I dunno," I replied.
"Nice."
"Thank-you."
"Dude. Go get your schedule and figure that shit out, you're going to be confused as fuck if you don't."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." I deadpanned, double tapping some picture on my feed, which I found cute.
"Say, your personality's pretty dead today. Is this place bumming you out already, Jere?"
"No, I'm just really, really high."
"More LSD? Really? You're going to fail your fucking drug test- that stuff's not legal."
"Because you're not on it." He replied, sighing and leaning back against the building. "Ow. Remind me why we sit here, again?"
"No idea."
* * *
I laid down on the couch, facing the roof of my living room. Holding a lit cigarette, which was most definitely my fourth one this hour, and contemplating life again. My schedule's been like this for a while now. My dorm-mate's constantly bailing, which is fine, because more room for me. More room for me, the more alcohol I can injust without 'getting in trouble', which is just confiscation.
I went from being a severely energetic loser, to being a cold-ass, alcoholic, psychopath. And if not psychopath, sociopath. But there's no way I'm sane.
I know that much.
And even if I was, I wouldn't want to be.
If I hate the world, I don't want to be part of it.
Ever.