losing weight part 2
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(Short Note: This is the 100th chapter of the book and I'm very happy&proud. This is going to be very meaningful to me, not only because it's been so long but also because 'Losing Weight.', is not just a chapter. It's a real thing I had to fight over the years and I'm happy to say that I'm over it. Thank you for supporting me&enjoy! xx)
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Meredith, Age 15:
Meredith was in her room.
Her mum's friend was downstairs and the dog played in the garden.
She was laying on her bed, music playing in her ears and her pale eyes looking at the plain ceiling.
The barking, the chatting and footsteps were heard every second.
Everytime Finn barked, she blinked twice and focused on another spot in the ceiling.
Her feet were freezing and the window was open. Meredith was too lazy to grab a pair of socks or to shut the window, she'd freeze instead.
Yet every other part of her body was burning. Her chest, stomach and head. It was almost an unbearable feeling. Her hands cold as they had always been; a thing she got from her mother. Meredith was stubborn, if she was in pain she didn't want to be helped, she wanted to suffer; something she got from her father.
Meredith was suffering. Her hands craved the feeling of old paper and her eyes craved to read what she had written in them over the years.
Her feet touched the burning floor and her hands found the thing they craved for. Meredith's eyes finally reading the words that made her heart ache.
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17.05.12
'Dad said I'm fat. But it's okay. I'm not skinny, I know. Does it mean that he doesn't love me anymore? Am I worthless? :('
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20.05.12
'Daddy said sorry! Whohooo! :)'
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6.06.12
'I'm nine now! N I N E ! :) Mummy made me a cake and daddy said he's proud of me! I don't exactly know what for, but I'm happy! :)'
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3.03.13
'I'm tired. Being nine makes me tired. I don't want to be nine anymore. I cried today and I usually never cry. P.S. I tried a new diet, hope it works out. :/'
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21.09.16
'I hate being yelled at. Fuck off, dad. I love food.'
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14.02.17
"How to kill myself without breaking my mum's heart", is a bloody mood.'
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"Meredith, stop eating!", fuck off, I was born to eat.
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17.08.18
'Harry never told me how practical a razor is. Thanks Harry.'
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Meredith's chest burned as she read the words all over again.
It all burned and people didn't notice. Her grandmother, her aunt, her own parents. Nobody noticed the sadness in her eyes, the way her jeans became baggier and the circles under her eyes darker.
At a young age she felt pain. She felt different and unwanted.
"Meredith! Dinner is ready!", the girl didn't even notice that the sun now welcomed the moon in the sky.
Her feet brought her downstairs, in the dining room.
Harry was working late - to her luck - and Olivia was usually the one that came home early. Dinner was ready and Finn the dog was strangely asleep.
Her hands quickly tied her hair in a weak bun.
Meredith sat down on her chair and looked at the two empty chairs around the table.
One was Harry's and the other one was empty. She had hoped to have a sibling, so that her parents annoyed them instead of her.
She absentmindedly stared at the chair in front of her, until it moved and Harry sat down. She didn't even notice he arrived.
"Put yourself some pasta, darling.", her mother caressed her shoulder and offered her a smile.
Olivia's lips touched Harry's for a few seconds and then put some pasta in his plate.
As soon as her parents put some food in their plates, Meredith did the same. She used a small spoon for that task, convincing herself that would help her with the portion.
Her parents told each other about their apparent very eventful day.
Meredith's fork missed some pieces, convincing herself yet again that it was all going to help her.
Her eyes looking at the small amount of pasta she had on a plate and with a quick motion, she put it back in the pot.
Her parents stopped talking to give her a confused and surprised look.
"I'm not hungry. Thank you.", Meredith didn't look in his eyes to know that he was somehow making fun of her. She knew and Olivia somehow too.
Her feet carried her in the bathroom, silently throwing up everything she had eaten during the day.
The look she knew he gave her was enough for her stomach to reject the food.
Her hands washed her mouth and then her face followed. Her dull eyes looking at the person staring at the mirror. An exhausted girl. Exhausted of life and people.
Exhausted of living, yet too scared to take her life away.
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Meredith, Age 17:
Meredith admitted that she was kinda proud to have made it, yet she regretted not having killed herself before. The pain became worse and now it was unbearable. At the age of 17, she could compare the pain she had felt over the years.
Her skin burnt after every contact the metal made with it.
Her feet still freezing and her hands now frozen.
The green in her eyes became darker, something close to brown and the circles under them black.
Make up was not something she was good at applying, so she was a mess.
The people she grew up with had a partner - her school mates constantly telling her how great it was having a boyfriend - while she was alone looking at the stars and hoping to become a part of them. She wasn't sick, something she constantly had to repeat to her grandma.
'Yes, I ate.', bunch of lies.
When even was the last time she had a proper meal? Eating just to be kept alive, because that's how her parents wanted her. Alive. But the pain was unbearable. She couldn't wait to join the stars.
"Meredith! Gemma is coming over! Clean up your room!"
She picked up the socks from the floor and brought them in the bathroom.
The room was clean. Because it was empty.
Meredith heard Harry compliment Olivia on the dress. Olivia laughed and kissed him.
The bell rang and she knew that she had to present herself downstairs, so that's what she did. She walked downstairs and watched them all hug each other.
"Marilyn, you never looked so good.", Meredith heard them compliment Gemma's daughter.
"Stop doing that Harry. My daughter is uncomfortable.", her aunt said teasingly.
"Stop telling my favourite uncle to not compliment me, mum."
"Hello.", Meredith walked in right when Harry lovingly hugged her cousin.
Gemma's eyes looked at her body unnoticeably and then back in her eyes.
"Hi, darling.", she quickly welcomed her in a hug. Gemma's arms feeling her delicate bones. The feeling made her lightly shudder.
Her eyes moved to Olivia, who was looking at that particularity too.
Meredith slowly pushed her aunt away and shook her uncle's hand.
"How are you, Maddie?"
"I'm fine. Thanks.", she gave him the best smile she could manage and then slowly walked towards the kitchen to get a glass of water.
She washed her hands and slightly jumped at her aunt's voice.
"You know that if grandma saw you, she'd freak out.", Meredith went for a second glass of water.
"Because I gained weight?", Gemma looked away, shaking her head slowly.
"Just know that if you need someone to talk to... I'm here, darling. I love you.", her hand caressed her arm and then kissed her cheek, before walking away.
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Welcome to a new chapter! :)
This was different and next week there's going to be the continuation. I hope I didn't confuse you. :)
Alright, back to business.
What do you think about Harry's song? I think that the more I listen to it, I find an extra adjective for that. Free, powerful, sexy, confident and honest.
I thought that the song fit the chapter, since I've listened to it while writing this.
I love him so much. :')
Please leave a golden star and a comment! xx
I love you,
belle. xx
. . .
Published the 12th of October 2019.