Dedicated to Shils28 . Thanks dear for all the votes & comments on tapas! <3
Edited on April 2nd, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1.7.1 - N O T - B R O K E N . . . |
Arnav was right.
This was a thought I roughly had two weeks ago. The crazy, ridiculous, absurd, impossible thought.
And here he was... saying the exact things as if he could read my mind. Logic told me to accept his help and my heart told me I would come to regret it. How was I to bring myself to trust him? I needed a guy I could get along with. Be friends. Him? I just could not imagine it.
I needed... Before I could even finish the thought in my head, I surprised myself by asking, "How can you help?"
His perplexed face turned into a smile. "A step after another. Leave that all to me. All you need to do is focus on doing what I ask you to. Some things might seem absurd but they will help."
I scoffed, "Nothing can be more absurd than me actually accepting your help."
His smirk grew as if in agreement. I ignored how charming it made him out to seem as I asked, "So... what kind of things are we talking about here? I will not have any talking sessions. Don't dare pull any of that therapy shit on me."
He assured, "No, none of that. I'm not much of a talker myself. Wouldn't force you to do something I wouldn't do myself. Besides, I already told you. I won't ask you any questions ever."
I found myself nodding in response but I was careful. He was being too nice about this. "What's the catch?" There has to be one, for a guy like him to offer a girl like me his help. Guys like him don't turn to look at girls like me for a second time.
"That's for another time. For now, we start by being friends." He brushed it off intentionally.
I crossed my arms and interrogate, "I'm supposed to believe your intentions are pure? Just like that? Take your word for it?"
He took a step towards me and my muscles tensed even though he wasn't in my personal bubble. "Yeah, sweet pea. The first step towards trusting me. Now, come on, you're either in this completely or you're not. And if you are, you stop asking questions and stop questioning my methods or my intentions. What do you say?"
I consider it for a second then decide to ditch all my concerns and act impulsively. Here, I have a chance and trust... isn't it a leap of faith anyway? We'll find out soon enough what kind of a guy he is... if I can trust his word or not. If I can trust him or not. If I can't... well, I won't be any worse off than I already am. I don't think that is even possible. Hence, where is the harm in trying?
I did use to believe once... trying is everything even if one doesn't succeed for atleast they can have the satisfaction of knowing they gave their best.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
I nodded, more confidently though I put forth a condition, "But, I will back out any time it gets too much?"
He shook his head, "No, can't do. I already said, you are either in this completely or you are not. Decide now."
I do not like ultimatums and thus it gets the worst of me. "Why does it matter so much to you? You want to help. I am letting you. But, I decide when it ends. I know I am broken but I am not a broken thing which should fascinate you enough for you to want to fix it!"
This might be the first time I see a flash of anger in his eyes. His dangerous step towards me instantly chills my bones, scaring me. I scurried back a couple of steps. As if realizing, he took that step back and ran a frustrated hand through his hair before speaking in a much more composed tone.
"Sweetpea, you are not a broken thing that I want to fix. I don't believe that at all and you shouldn't see yourself that way either. I have already told you many times today. I. Just. Want. To. Help. Why... is it so hard for you to believe that?"
He really sounded like he wanted me to believe him, expected me to, but it was so much easier said than done.
I answered honestly, "Because, people like you do not help people like me out of the goodness of their heart."
He looked confused at first, as if wanting to question what I even meant by saying that. But he was quick to shed that confusion and answer back, "Then just believe I don't have a heart if it'll be easier for you to accept it. Make up whatever image you want to, I least care. You are Kripa's friend. You matter to her and she matters to me. Thus, you matter to me. Now will you stop doubting me? It won't work with me or anyone else if you won't stop looking for the worst in people."
In a daze, I nodded. It might be the most I have heard him speak and the way he says it... looking right into my eyes, it forces me to nod. People don't usually lie looking people straight in the eye. For now, I believed him. I was willing to do that because I could not think of any other reason why he would want to help.
As it was, I had accepted it. Kripa was the medium between us and we weren't going to rid ourselves of each other any time soon. We would always see each other. There would be many such days... years even until we graduate. Might as well try and make the most of the time.
He nodded back, "We'll start tomorrow. Get all the peaceful sleep you can tonight."
My brows narrowed in confusion, "What do you mean?" He raised a brow and I murmured, "Right, no questions."
That was the deal. He wouldn't ask me any questions of my past. I wouldn't ask him any questions over his plan on how to help me.
He informed, "I'll walk you to your apartment."
It wasn't an offer and nothing I said would make him do otherwise. Thus, I did not even bother to start an argument here.
Just as we reach the door, he spoke again. "Meet me at the café tomorrow at 2."
"I have a class till 2:30."
He rolled his eyes, "Sweetpea, waiting for thirty minutes isn't going to kill me when you made me wait three hours today. Or wait, are you chickening out already?"
I did not appreciate his tone or his challenge. Ofcourse, I don't know why I cared because in the past couple years, I had gotten better at not getting caught up. Or so I thought. I wasn't able to avoid a challenge as well as I thought. Just look at the New Year's resolution challenge Riddhima wrapped me up in.
I scoffed, "Huh, no!"
"Then be there." He took a step toward me and I again walked backwards.
"Fine." I snapped thinking he would move back. I grew wary when he took a second step towards me. Then, his hand went behind me to turn the door knob and my body instantly relaxed when I saw he was simply opening the door for me.
I do need to stop assuming the worst will happen at every action.
His voice was low, almost a whisper as he shifted back, "Good night, sweet pea."
Okay, that's it. I warned, "I am only going to show up tomorrow if you can learn to call me by my name. Khushi. It's a pretty name if you ask me and I happen to like the name my parents gave me."
Obviously, I ranted more than I intended to as I couldn't handle his endearing nickname. I couldn't even understand where he got 'sweet pea' from.
My lips snapped shut when he took a step in my direction again. Then, a rare smile appeared on his face that I didn't understand, "See you tomorrow."
I was hoping he'd say my name so I'd know he'd learnt his lesson and listened but instead, he turned and walked away. Letting out a sigh and dropping my shoulders in defeat, I enter the apartment. It was going to take a lot more than a rant to get him to stop calling me this weird name and speak my name instead.
Now... I had gotten myself into this. And I already knew, I wasn't going to come out of this unscathed. I had no idea of his plans or what the coming days would bring but it did bring anxiousness in the moment.
If I am to trust Arnav... it wasn't going to happen overnight. He was going to have to earn it and I was not sure how that would come to pass. Nothing I know about him helped. And this play of his, always doing the exact opposite of my wishes, wasn't helping his case. If he'd just show he respected it, stopped calling me this strange endearment, then maybe I would give him a chance.
Alas, the depth of my heart knew it was merely wishful thinking.
Today, the way he had waited three hours without a single whim... it did tell me one thing. He always got what he wanted. He made sure of it. So, if he was set on calling me sweetpea and defying me continuously... then was there anything really that I could do to change his mind?
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1.7.2 - I N T I M I D A T I O N - & - L O O K S . . . |
The next day, I was on edge the entire morning. Every time I caught a glimpse of Arnav in the distance, I would fidget about. My only thought was that any second now, he could walk over to me even though the back of my mind knew he'd set a time so whatever he had planned, it wouldn't happen till 2:30.
I couldn't focus on anything. During my lectures, I was mostly blanked out. I could not stop worrying about whatever Arnav was planning. Once the professor dismissed us, I had to force myself to walk out. If only I could stay in the lecture hall.
Entering the café, I spotted Arnav sitting by the corner table - same as yesterday. He seemed to be busy with something on his tablet. I imagine he's playing some game to pass time. I walked over, dropped my bag on the table and dumped myself on the chair.
"Get me a hot chocolate," I ordered, desperately needing a chilled drink t keep going if I am to survive this.
His eyes shifted from the tablet at the nuisance I had created disturbing his previous peace before I had given the order. There was a fake smile plastered on his face as he sarcastically answered, "Hello to you too."
Ignoring it, I reached for the wallet in my bag and produced my credit card. "My drink," I repeated pushing the card towards him.
If I am to suffer through this, least he can do is get me my drink.
He was silent for a second, eying me for seriousness before pointing out, "It's January."
I narrowed me eyes, failing to see his point, "So?"
"So?" He repeats as if I am a crazy lady. "Sweet pea, do you not see how hot it is outside? You should be having something cold."
I shrugged, "I already had a frappe in the morning. If I have a second, I won't be sleeping tonight."
He muttered something I did not catch as he stood up placing his tablet on the table. I waited for him to pick up my card but he didn't. Instead, he pushed it back in my direction and joined the forming line for not just my class but a lot of other classes had ended as well. The line was going to get pretty long and I had no intention of standing in that line where people would be accidently bumping into one another. The entire reason I had asked him to get it in the first place.
I was about to put my head down on the table and close my eyes for a second when my attention was grabbed by something on his tablet which he had left unlocked. It wasn't a game as I expected. It seemed to be a schedule on excel. In particular, it was my schedule.
Where in the hell did he get this?
I didn't care if I would be invading his privacy by taking his tablet for right now, my privacy was being breeched. As I turned the screen around to look through it further, it confirmed that it was indeed my schedule. He had it written from when I woke up in the morning to when I went to bed.
Yup, beyond creeped with the detailed informed.
I started searching for him in the line. His back was facing me as he was chatting to a girl standing next to him. I waited, not so patiently, for him to return.
When he placed the cup at the center of the table, I didn't care enough to reach for it as I demanded. "Where did you get this?"
He retrieved the tabled from my hand as he sat and turned it around to face his direction. "I see you took the liberty to through my tablet."
"Answer me!"
He said, "Calm down, sweet pea. I'm not a stalker or anything that you might have already thought of." I continued to wait for a real explanation. His shoulders dropped, "You have your schedule for classes on the fridge back in the apartment, if you remember, along with Kripa and Riddhima's. As for other things, I've spent enough nights in Kripa's room to know how early you wake up. Anyone would when you make all that noise with the cabinets in the kitchen when you can't even cook."
Though it was unimportant, I felt the need to defend the later comment, "I can cook!"
He laughed, "Right, I don't count putting a frozen waffle or a bread in toaster as cooking abilities, but nice try."
I scowled for he was making me feel bad about not knowing how to cook. As if he does! "And you say you aren't creepy." When I feel an argument coming up, I cut it off. "Why do you even have this?"
"I was just trying to figure out when we both have free time in our day."
"Because?" I prodded for an answer so he'd kill the mystery.
He replied as if it should be obvious, "So we can figure out when it'd be the best time to meet up and for me to help you."
"You still haven't told me how."
"I will get to it if you stopped interrupting with all these questions!"
It seemed as I am getting on his nerves. I will have to remember for later that asking questions irritates him.
I reached for my drink and wrap my fingers around it. Sigh. Such warmth. I carefully take a sip knowing it'd be hot and I have no interest in burning my tongue.
"Take this as if some test," He began explanation as I kept my mouth shut. "There will be different experiments, for a lack of better words, and all you have to do is keep an open mind and follow the instructions."
I raised my index finger silently asking him to pause so I could ask a question. He let out a sigh of disappointment before waving for me to go on. "Can I get an example?"
"No." One word, a blunt answer.
I gaped though he looked least concerned. "Mean." I commented and yet, he didn't care.
He said, "I'm not here to impress you, sweet pea. But, on a serious note, I say no because if I told you, the anticipation itself would work against you. It won't help you at all. Best for you to find out right before."
I suppose he made a good point. "Fair enough." I nodded towards the drink on realizing he must have paid for it himself, "Thanks for this, by the way."
I wasn't an ungrateful bitch, after all.
Coming on amicable terms, he nodded. "Your welcome." He glanced around the café as it had filled up considerably from when I had first walked in. "Look around and point out one guy that intimidates you."
I didn't take even a second to think. The answer was at the tip of my tongue. "You."
He turned to face me with a scolding glare, "Someone other than me."
I argued, "Why? You said name one and I did."
His lips turned up smugly as he pointed out with a calm head, "You do realize, the more you argue with me and not answer, the more time you have to spend with me."
I snapped my mouth shut then. Again, he had a point. It was best to get serious instead of dallying about. The less time I spend around him, the better for my sanity, yes? I glanced around and then nodded towards a group of people seated by the couches next to a microwave that was kept for students to use in case they wanted to heat up any food. "Him."
He followed my line of gaze and asked in a confused tone. "Not to be stereotypical but that nerd with those glasses and braces and his head buried in that thick textbook? He intimidates you?"
"Yes," I confirmed.
"Why?"
"Why not?" I countered. There wasn't a simple logic behind which guy intimidated me. the way he was sitting there looking all smart and intelligent in itself was intimidating. Don't they say, it's the quiet ones you got to watch out for? "Intimidation has nothing to do with looks." I tried explaining, "It has everything to do with actions and personality. And that guy? He knows what he's doing."
"I don't see it but okay," he was quick to not let it escalate in a debate of opposing perspectives as he asked another question, "Which guy doesn't intimidate you?"
After I looked around again, I point to a couple behind him.
Once again, there was surprise and confusion in his tone. "Ryder? The guy who has his hand around Christina, right?"
I assume he knows them, "If that's his name, yes." I'm not surprised he knows them. He knows a freaking ton of people.
"Okay, explain this to me. How does Ryder not intimidate you but the nerd does? I mean, have you looked at Ryder?"
I rolled my eyes and answered in a bored tone, "Yes, Raizada. I just did and I just told you, looks have nothing to do with my intimidation logic. Ryder over there may have muscles and a pretty face but that also means nothing when he is happy where he is. The way he is talking to Christina makes it obvious he likes her and when a guy likes a girl and all is well, I don't have anything to worry about. As for the nerd... just because he seems that way doesn't mean he is not a guy and doesn't have urges."
I couldn't have said it in so many words but the lust I see in the eyes of a guy is what I find scarier than their puffed-up body and a handsome face. That lust would flash me back to the moment I was raped. That lust... that look in any guys eyes is one I might always fear, one I might never be able to escape.
"If I go by your logic, then you shouldn't be scared by me."
His words take me aback. I didn't mean for him to connect it to himself. Maybe, he does have a girl or other by his side and even if on the surface he looks happy with his life, I know there is more. That, I would not tell him and so, I wouldn't explain to him why I am scared of him - that look in his eyes I saw the very first time we met.
"That's different," I tried playing it cool, "And besides, the first person I named was you."
He questioned the former, ignoring the later. "How is that different?"
I replied in a clipped tone, "I don't think we are here to talk about you, Raizada. Now are you going to tell me why you asked who does and doesn't intimidate me or should I get going for today?"
He sighed as he pushed his chair back to stand up. I got the hint and followed. This better be interesting. I proceeded to get my bag thinking we were leaving the café when he instructed, "Leave your bag. We're not going anywhere."
I let it be and nodded for him to lead the way. Questions flashed warnings in my head when I noticed him walking towards where the guy in glasses and braces was sitting. What? Why? Why is he...?
I stopped at a distance from the table when the stranger looked up at us. Arnav asked, "Hey man, sorry to bother you. We're doing this thing for our psychology class and we were hoping you could answer some questions for us?"
I just stood there in a daze. How can he lie so easily? It just rolls off his tongue that anyone would so easily believe him, as if it is no big deal to deceive people. See, one of the many reasons I should not trust him.
"Uh, sure?" The boy nervously pushed his glasses up his nose. "What's it on?"
Arnav answered, "It's about relationships. May we sit?"
He nodded, "Yeah, ofcourse."
"I'm Arnav, by the way," he introduced us, "And this is Khushi."
Why does he feel like it's the first time he's said my name? It probably is. The way he calls me sweet pea all the time, I can't remember if he's ever called me Khushi. Then again, probably the only reason he did was because he was introducing me.
The two shook hands, "Harry." He forwarded his hand towards me too but I pretended to not see as I take a seat and pull the chair closer. He awkwardly pulled back and I realize I might have been rude. Arnav gave me a chiding look but I simply returned one of my own. I wasn't going to initiate any kind of contact that was going to send me in a frenzy.
It had taken a lot to simply follow dumbly behind Arnav and sit at the same table.
"So," Arnav began, "Since this is about relationships, have you been in one before?"
"Uh, yeah. I've had two girlfriends in the past." He answered and I noticed he was still a bit nervous. If he's nervous, then he can't be a bad person, right?
"So single now?"
"You can say that." When Arnav raised his brow, he was quick to give an explanation. "I mean there is this girl in my chem class that I like and you know, gearing up the courage to talk to her."
Arnav wished, "Ah, good luck man."
I glanced between the two as they got into a conversation that easily. What the heck? Then, I tell myself to not be so surprised. I used to be easy going and talk to strangers before too. I'd talk to anyone and everyone. The entire school knew me back home.
Arnav seemed to stop on remembering we were here for a reason. "Anyway, back to the, um, project. How long were your last relationships?"
"First one was in high school and that last about four months. The second was freshman year here and it was almost six months. Fiona then decided to switch colleges and long distance is hard, you know? We figured we'd end it on a good note than ruining what he had by fights and barely seeing each other. Sorry, was that too much information?"
Arnav politely shook his head, "All good. Last questions, what do you look for in a girl? As in, what's the first thing you notice?"
"Honestly, I'd be lying if I didn't say physical attraction. I think everyone, guy or girl, look for a person they find attractive in their own way and then approach them, but I think you can also count the way they dress, you know? You can tell a lot about a person by that. There's also the socializing aspect that you catch on right away, like if they are shy or outgoing."
Arnav nodded and seemed to be typing something on the tablet. I didn't look over his shoulder to read it because that would require leaning in close to him. He then looked up at Harry, "Alright, mate. Thanks for this. It's been a great help. See you around."
Harry smiled back, "Glad I could help."
As we walked away, I turned back once to see he had gone right back to studying.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .