Dedicated to MouMaity <3. You're awesome & super sweet. Thanks a ton for all your support!
Edited on March 23rd, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . .1.4 . 1 - P A S S I N G - J U D G E M E N T S . . . |
Riddhima quietly entered my room. One look informed me she had something to ask that I may object. "What's up?"
"There's this New Year's party..." She got straight to the point and I could assume the rest. Kripa got word of this party and asked Riddhima to go along but she wouldn't go without me.
"Where?"
"Beach. Kripa says it won't be that crowded. Just our group and couple of other people. I'm guessing there'll also be those who'll come to watch the fireworks."
Yes, I imagine even if the party won't be crowded, the beach would eventually get crowded closer to midnight. I negotiate not wanting to hold my friends back from enjoying New Year's Eve on my account. "Just for a while?"
She instantly nodded, "Yes, whenever you want to come back, just say the word."
I agreed and asked, "When do we leave?"
"In an hour or so." She answered with uncertainty because she doesn't know how long Kripa will take to get ready. And, she usually takes her sweet time. "I'll get ready."
Once she left the room, I sat up on my bed.
I was going to do something I knew I was going to hate. Crowds meant too many people to walk around and there are always occurrences where people accidently brush past each other. As already established, I hate physical touch. I panic when someone merely invades my personal space - touching is out of the equation.
I flashed back to a week ago when I had my last panic attack. I'd woken up in my own bed with Riddhima next to me. She didn't say anything but I knew there was only one possibility.
Arnav.
He moved me to my bed and I didn't wake up. It unnerved me knowing he had touched me and I'd slept through it.
How?
I had worried how to face him but then I'd found out from Kripa that he'd gone home to spend the rest of the holidays with his sister. That eased my concerns but I knew he'd eventually return. The closer the day came, the more on edge I was.
I turned to one sure thing that could always calm me down.
I called Armaan and luckily, he answered instantly. "Hey doll! I was just about to call you."
"Why is that?"
He pointed out though I have a feeling I knew what he was going to say, "You haven't called in a week and I was worried. You call every other day. Something happened?"
Well... the one thing I can talk to him about without any holdbacks. "Kinda..."
"What? Are you okay? Are you fine? Why didn't you call me? You should have called me!"
His worry and anger was justified. I knew just how much he could get concerned for me. "I meant to... I just have a lot on my plate."
"What could be more important?"
I bit my lip pensively, "The fact that Arnav saw me like that? That he helped me? That he carried me back to my room when I fell asleep on the couch and I didn't even realize when or how? That he..."
He interrupted my listing, "Whoa there, doll. Slow down. One thing at a time. Don't go about giving me one shocking news after another."
"Sorry," I mumbled but not truly. I needed to get these thoughts out of my head before Arnav would return so I can go back to my shell without worrying what he would do or say or ask.
Getting his thoughts together, he proposed a question, "Okay, so what's bothering you? The fact that he helped or that he saw you like that?"
"Both?" I answer having no idea which troubled me more. "We have this unsaid dislike for each other. Why would be help me? And he saw me like that - at my weakest. I don't like anyone seeing me that vulnerable. You know that. He saw it and he said nothing about it."
"That's good, right? He isn't asking for any explanations. You can pretend it didn't happen."
"But it did happen! It's not good." I exclaimed, "It's eating me alive as to why he isn't. Any sane person would. They'd have questions. They'd be curious."
"Doll, just ignore it if he is too. He probably understands this is a touchy topic and doesn't want to make you uncomfortable by bringing it up."
He offered but I am not satisfied with this hypothesis. "Like he would care about that."
His voice was soft as he admonished, "Doll, you don't even know anything about him to be judging him."
That's the thing about people closest to you. They don't sugar coat things for you and they call you out on your bullshit. Am I judging Arnav too harshly? Probably. Still, I argue. "I know enough from what I see. He's a damn player. He flirts and uses girls. That's all. He breaks their hearts. He's a hypocrite."
Armaan continued to probe, challenging my thinking. "And? He could have his reasons. I used to be just like him. Still, you love me - and don't say it is only because I'm your brother and you're required to be on my side."
I rolled my eyes, "It's different. You were a harmless player. You didn't go around sleeping with all the random girls."
"And you're so sure he does?"
I snapped at him in slight irritancy, not needing to think about Arnav and girls. I could least care about that for the bottom point remained the same. "Armaan, he is not like you okay? I know you only dated these girls to make Ridzzi jealous and..."
Before I could finish, he shuts down my idea. "Not true, doll. When I dated those girls, Basket had nothing to do with it."
"Don't even bother, Amy." I call him by the nickname I gave him as a kid. "I know you like her, remember? There's no point in lying about it."
He let out a sigh, "True, now. Back then, I didn't know that but anyway, see, I had reasons. He probably does too."
"Yeah, that he has no heart. It's all just a game to him, bhai. And when a person like that helps without questioning, taunting me about it later and making my life a hell, it raises questions. It makes me wonder why."
He gave up on changing my mind figuring out I wasn't going to change my opinion about Arnav. "Let me guess, you've been avoiding him since?"
"No," I lied. Well, it wasn't really a lie. He hadn't been around that I would have the need to avoid. "I plan on it." I added knowing he would challenge me on it.
He laughed in response.
I changed the topic, "Anyway, distract me. How's everyone there? Is dad any less stressed?"
"No... it's only getting worse. He won't say it but I can see. I wish he would just tell me. I can't help much right now as I don't know the business but I can try. I just can't wait till I finish up college."
"He can't tell you, Armaan."
He got defensive, "Why? Because I'm adopted and not his real son?"
I scolded him, "Shut it! You know that's not true. He's a father. He would say it's his job to take care of us. He wouldn't burden us with that. It's just how fathers are."
He sighed plucking out his anger. "You're right... but still. If I knew anything about business already, I'd be helping him."
I do my best to comfort him, "I know you would, Armaan. He knows it too. Don't beat yourself up over it. Things will get better in time."
The later words...the assurance... they were words I desperately needed someone to say it to me and yet, here I was saying the same to someone else. Then again, he needs someone to tell that to him too so I guess it's the least I can do.
We talk some more as I don't have to really get ready. I don't care about that. I'll just comb my hair up and put on shoes. Our talk is pointless but it takes me back to our earlier days that made me feel as if I was back home.
It made me feel that I was in the safest place in the world next to someone with whom I could count on to always be safe.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1. 4 . 2 - N E W - Y E A R - R E S O L U T I O N S . . . |
As we walked down to the bridge, I froze momentarily catching Arnav's silhouette. I whispered to Riddhima, "You didn't tell me he was back."
She was confused till she followed my gaze. "Oh, him. I didn't know. Kripa didn't mention it. I guess he came back early."
I muttered as we continue walking, "Not just her but her whole family drives me crazy."
She laughed hooking her arm with mine, 'Other than the two of them, you don't even know anyone else in the family."
I squinted pointing out, "So? Two is enough! I can barely handle that."
"Sure, if you say so. Now let it go. It's not like you talk to him anyways. Really... I miss the old you. Remember how excited you used to be for New Years? We'd keep resolutions even though you could never follow through. You'd spend days before New Year making up the entire list."
That memory seems so long ago and a person I could no longer connect with. But Riddhima sounded so excited talking about it, I didn't want to ruin it for her. I tried to smile but failed since she noticed and her smile faltered as she stopped talking.
"Things change," I said half-heartedly the same time she muttered it.
We were used to saying things simultaneously. It didn't bother us and neither was it weird or creepy. We have, after all, known each other since we were four years old. More than a decade of being best friends and growing up together can do that to you. Honestly, I am lucky that my best friend from school days is still my best friend.
Not all friendships survive. - but I am fairly certain we'll remain best friends our entire life.
Hope gleamed in her eyes as she suggested, "Lets' give it a try again. Not everything has to change. We should try."
"I don't know..." I wanted to forget my past life even existed. I kept trying to do that but it was simply not possible. It's not like I could cut ties with everyone I knew. I still had my parents, Armaan, and Riddhima that I love the most and this group of people? I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
She insisted, "Oh, let's just see how it goes. Please? Like old times. We'll make resolutions for each other and see who can keep it for the longest."
I sighed. What the hell. For her sake, sure. I already knew I would lose. I always did. I had no hope this time would be any different. Still, she knew exactly which buttons to push. I could never turn down a challenge even if I knew I would lose.
"Fine, what are my resolutions?"
This is how we always played it. we'd pick resolutions for the other. It wouldn't make sense for us to pick our own, would it? We would then surely pick the easy ones we'd know we would be able to keep. Wouldn't truly be a challenge then.
She held up her index finger, counting. "Make a new friend - a guy friend."
I shoot my head, "Not going to happen."
Another finger went up as she chose to ignore my comments, "Let that guy, or any other guy - I don't really care who - come close to you. And no, 'any other' does not include Armaan or Angad."
"Riddhima!" I wanted her to stop and listen but she was relentless and kept going.
Third finger, "Wear your old type of clothes atleast once a week." Add another, "Join sports again and stop tying your hair up all the time. Leave it open."
All fingers in one hand were up as she stated my five challenging resolutions as I stared at her. Deathly glare, in fact. Who was she? Did she not know me? Did she not know how what happened changed me? Why was she doing this? Was she not my best friend?
Maybe... maybe it's because she's my best friend that she's doing this.
I chose to ignore my conscious and announced, "No, no, and hell no. No way in eternity is any of those things going to happen!"
She smirked, challenging. "Losing already? Without even trying? You know, the punishment is even worse."
I growled, "It cannot get any worse than that."
"Oh, trust me. It can. Be grateful I didn't ask you to get a boyfriend."
My jaw dropped. This was the limit. The absolute worse.
"Oh yeah," She added after my expression, "You're lucky I love you and you're my best friend. Else, I would have kept that one on top of the list."
I squinted in accusation, "You planned this."
She grinned unashamed, "You know me so well."
First time in years, I feel a flare of my old self. "Fine, wait till I come up with yours then."
She gushed, confident for her upcoming win, "You should know Khushi. I am not afraid of anything."
I challenged crossing my arms over my chest, "Sure about that?" I knew a secret or two here and there. I didn't spend my whole life being her best friend for nothing after all.
What's a best friend who won't use your secrets against you?
If I sat back plotting like old times, I am sure I can come up with a couple of good ones to ensure her win would be just as difficult if not impossible like mines.
She didn't let her confidence falter as she started walking away to join the rest of the group and yelled over her shoulder, "You have till midnight."
I nodded politely at the group and then turned a deaf ear to their conversation.
This time, I wasn't being idle. This time, the wheels in my brain were turning. It felt good to be plotting. I hadn't felt this adrenaline in ages. I had to outsmart her. I had to. I knew I couldn't win the game... I just had to stall it enough to the point where she would lose first.
Now... how could I make it happen?
It was easier then to pull a prank on Armaan and her. It used to be habitual and almost second nature. Why was it so difficult now? I had let myself get rusty. I couldn't think of one good thing and my head was starting to hurt from all the thinking.
I refuse to believe, however, that I have lost my touch.
I pull away from the party and walk the shoreline. I figured it would be a good idea to get there first so I wouldn't have to walk through a crowd later on and also, I could have some peace there right now so that I could think clearly.
Finding a spot to sit, I pulled out my phone and started typing a list of things I knew about Riddhima that she feared, habits I found annoying about her or vices she found it impossible to let go of. Maybe that will help narrow it down to five challenging resolutions I could give. I knew her fears but I wouldn't use them all against her. I wasn't as cruel.
Still, I also knew what she couldn't live without.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .