Omg I was trying to get in the mood to write so I highlighted the whole last chapter and had Siri read it to me. It's so funny in her voice!!
Btw if you don't like sex, don't read this chapter :)
Ariana's POV:
It has been twenty minutes since Zayn and I had our encounter in the kitchen. It felt good to tell him that I'm ready for that again. I felt awkward for just saying it but now he knows I'm opening myself up to him about that more.
Ever since we went back to Bradford after my Grandpas funeral and then I left from there to finish my tour, I've been thinking a ton about it and I've tried to remember the feeling. But I can't. Which is why I am ready now. Of course it has to do with the love I have for Zayn too, but some of it is curiosity. Some of it is from lack.
Delaney woke up about 10 minutes ago. I felt her forehead and she is still a bit hot but not as bad as she was earlier. Ever since I felt her forehead, she's been cuddling up against me on the couch in the living room.
The TV is playing a re-run of Criminal Minds or something but it's been hard to really hear it because of Lexi, whom is on the phone with Harry. Every once in a while, Zayn and I make faces at each other because of it. He sits on the couch across from Delaney and I.
Delaney moves a little and I pull her closer to me. She looks at me and smiles a tiny bit before leaning her head against me. I hope she feels better soon. It breaks my heart when she's sick. She looked back at me, suddenly.
"Mommy, when is Toulouse coming home?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "I misses him."
Guilt grows in the chest immediately. Even a blind person could see that I've basically neglected my dog. I feel terrible about it. I've let him stay with my neighbor who is an old lady. She's as kind as can be which makes me feel comfortable with leaving him.
"Probably tomorrow, cutie." I said and she nodded and turned back around.
This TV show really isn't appropriate for her but Lexi is handling the remote and she is on the phone. I love her to death but it's been quite annoying that she's been running everything lately.
"Are you almost here?" She asked Harry with a peanut buttered carrot in her mouth. I almost gagged at the thought of the taste of that.
"Lexi." I said and she looked at me.
"One second Harry," She said and pulled her phone away from her ear. "What?"
I pointed to the TV. "Change the channel. Del shouldn't be watching this." I said. She rolled her eyes and threw the remote at me. "You know, you don't have to be such a bitch just because you're pregnant." I scolded her and then I used the remote to change the channel.
She's beginning to get on my nerves. You know how after you've spent a certain amount of time with that one friend and everything they do begins to annoy you? Because that's me right now. I've been with her ever since she got pregnant.
When I don't hear her talking to Harry anymore, I stop changing channels and look over at her. She stares at me with the phone still in her hand in the position she had it when she was talking to me.
She shuts the recliner and stands up. She gives me one last look before walking up the stairs. I know for a fact that she's crying and now I feel bad.
"Lex, I'm sorry!" I called up the stairs but I only hear a slam of the guest room door in response.
I look at Zayn and he raises his eyebrows. "You didn't have to call her a name."
I sighed. "I know. I am just frustrated." I lifted the remote and looked through channels again. Nothing interesting is on and it bothers me. Why the hell do they play terrible shows at any point?
"Delaney looks asleep." He said. I look at him and then to my side where she's cuddled up. She's definitely asleep. I hope she feels better in the morning.
"I'll go put her in bed." He offered and my stomach erupts in butterflies. If Delaney is in bed and Lexi is too, it's just us two. And after what I confessed earlier...
"Okay," I hope my voice didn't sound as nervous as I felt when it came out. He smiled, stood up, and walked over to us. I help him lift her and he gets her in his arms.
"Are you going to stay down here or go to our room?" He asked and I couldn't help but feel like he was implying sex. I don't think he was though.
"Uh, yeah. Should I lock the front door? But Harry is coming isn't he?" I asked, standing onto my feet.
"Lock it and I'll give him the garage code." He responded and I nodded. He turns and walks up the stairs.
My legs feel like jello as I scurried to the front door to lock it. I don't know why I'm so nervous and awkward. Why can't I be like one of those girls who is so nonchalant when it comes to sex?
I'm definitely not that person. I'm nervous as hell. Are we going to have sex tonight? Is that what's going to happen? Will it hurt?
God, I'm going insane.
I lock the door quickly and walk to the TV and shut it off. Then I turn off all the lights and run up the stairs because I didn't want the monsters that hid in the dark to get me.
It's a superstition I've had since I was little. When I would be the last one awake and had to turn everything off, I would do it quickly and run up the stairs for my life.
Zayn is still in Delaney's room (probably getting her dressed in Pjs) so I walk into Lexi's quickly. She looks at me when I enter and her eyes don't seem like she's cried much.
"Lexi." I said, panicked. She is no longer on the phone, I think.
"What? Why do you look so distressed?" She asked, leaning back against the headboard of the bed.
"I feel like I'm going to vomit." I said, siting at the edge of her bed. I lowered my voice. "I think Zayn and I are having sex tonight."
She suddenly sits up straight, like she's more interested. "Really?" I nodded, running my fingers through my hair and then I pulled. "Why do you look terrified? You've done it before."
"I know, Lex." I whispered, fearful that Zayn could hear from outside the door. "But it's been so long."
She smiled. "You'll be okay. Don't be too awkward of anything. Just go with the flow."
I nodded and bit the inside of my lip. "Okay. My heart is beating so fast."
"It's okay, Ariana." She laughed. "I just can't believe you came and told me this."
I felt my cheeks burn. "I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do."
"It's okay." She laughed. "I'll make sure Harry comes in quietly and that he doesn't disturb you guys."
I laughed awkwardly. "Thanks."
"No problem. Now go! Go get it on, girl." She pointed to the door and chuckled. I nodded and smiled a little before walking out the door.
"It feels amazing!" I heard her yell and I rolled my eyes.
"I hate you!" I yelled back and then walked into my room. Zayn isn't in here yet so I walk to the bathroom and shut the door. I'm so grateful that I'm not on my period right now.
I look in the mirror and can see the pink on my cheeks. I'm burning up from being so nervous. Deciding that I'm better off being a bit cool, I turn on the sink and place my hands under the running cold water. Then I wipe it on my face, cooling myself off.
Subconsciously, I feel my legs and make sure I've shaved them. When I feel the smoothness, I give myself a high five inside my head. My eye catches sight of deodorant on the back of the toilet. I grab it and apply some to my under arms in case I start to smell bad.
"Ariana?" I heard a knock at the door and my entire body freezes and I swear my heart stopped for a second.
"Y-yes?" I answered, standing completely still.
"You all right?" He asked.
"Yeah it's all good. I'll be out in a minute." I replied, hoping he didn't notice the uneasy sound in my voice.
He didn't respond after that so I quickly finished what I was doing. I take one last look in the mirror before I stared at the door knob.
Come on, Ariana, get your shit together.
I placed a hand on the knob and twisted it, detaching the door from the latch. I walk out and instantly see Zayn sitting on the bed with his feet touching the floor.
"Hey." He said, smiling and standing onto his feet. I walked over to him and he instantly wrapped his arms around my waist.
I wrap mine around his upper body and try to slow down my heart rate. I'm going to legit have a heart attack.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked, pulling his head back to look at me. I looked away.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, you're shaking like a hairless dog, you won't look me in the eyes, and I can feel your heart beating a mile a minute against me." He responded.
"What's up?"
Not knowing what to say, I place my head on his chest. I feel and hear his chuckle. He places a hand on my back and gently rubs it.
"Zayn," I whined a little bit. I feel like I should tell him how I feel about this.
"What babe?"
I confessed, "I'm so scared. I'm scared of having sex again."
He pulled me away from his chest and his eyes find mine and I don't look away. He looks at me with concern. The way his eyebrows scrunch together and his lips unconsciously form a pout tells me that he truly is concerned.
"I told you, I'd be careful and make sure I didn't hurt you very much." He said softly. I believed him but he doesn't understand that it's not his fault if he hurts me.
"I know." I started to cry and this made him look at me with more sorrow. "I'm pathetic, I know. I'm just scared, okay? I don't want the pain."
He rubbed my arms comfortingly. "You're not pathetic. I will do everything I can to make it as painless as I can. I promise."
I swallowed. "I know. You're gentle and I know you'll do your best. I just don't want to hurt. I'm afraid of pain."
He kissed my lips briefly. "I will try to distract you. Remember how much better it got after the pain?" I sniffled and nodded. "Just think of that. It will help you feel better about it." I nodded again and took a deep breath.
"I feel like a baby." I pouted as I looked up at him.
"You're not a baby." He said softly. "But you're my baby and I'm going to make you feel good, okay?"
My stomach does flips. "Okay."
He takes this opportunity to press his lips on mine. It came with a little force, which I didn't mind. I kissed him back and let myself relax. His lips taste like mint and they feel so soft against mine. His face is smooth from just being shaved. I love it when he shaves. It reminds me of us when we were younger.
Zayn backs me up against the bed and I can feel the coolness of the wood bed frame against my ankles and behind my knee caps. I sit down and he doesn't break the kiss. He helps scoot me up to the middle of the bed and he hovers over me.
I feel his hands beside my head and his knees between my legs. He kisses me with force yet it's soft and gentle at the same time. He moves his lips from mine and places them on my jawline. I suck in a deep breath from the electrifying feeling I'm getting from his lips.
Zayn's lips move down my jaw and onto my neck. I can hear his breathing get faster and it mimics mine. His teeth softly run across the skin on my neck, sending shivers down my whole body.
One of his hands moves from beside my head and onto my stomach. He supports himself over me with only one hand now but he makes it seem like nothing. At least I think so. My eyes are shut.
Zayn uses one hand to grasp on the hem of my shirt. He still kisses my neck in the process which leads me to believe that he's very multitasked.
I place my hands at the hem of my shirt and I help him. We pull it up my body and he disconnects his lips from my neck so I can pull the shirt over my head. When I look at him, he smiles sweetly and tosses my shirt on the floor.
His eyes look away from mine and down at my chest. I feel a bit self conscious but I'm not ashamed of my body at all. He sits on my legs and takes his shirt off and I can't help but stare at his stomach.
"You're so beautiful." He murmured, leaning back on me. He kisses me with full power for a few seconds before sitting back up on my legs. I watch in anticipation as he unbuttons my jeans and unzips the zipper. "You still trust me, right?"
He looked me in the eyes and I nodded immediately. He smiles the slightest bit and leans up. He pulls my pants down my legs and tosses them on the floor, leaving me in only my underwear and bra, under him.
"I'm going to make you feel amazing." He said lowly and it only turns me on. I watch him as he eyes my body and I can't help but want him to touch me. "It will make you forget about the pain."
I nodded again. He leaned over me and kissed me again. One of his hands stunned me when it was placed on my covered chest. It's weird how such a little gesture can feel this overwhelming.
"You're sure you're ready for this again?" He mumbled against my lips. He pecked my lips again. "Because we can stop. I can wait. I'd prefer not to but I respect you."
I smiled against his lips. "I'm ready." I took a deep breath. "I can do this."
"I love you so stinkin' much." He kissed me again, keeping his one hand on my chest. He massages my breast and kisses down my jaw again.
Not knowing what to do with my hands, I just place them on his bare stomach. He is so toned and I don't know how because he eats so much crap all the time.
I run my hands down his stomach and he lets out a throaty moan. I try not to smile against his lips but my lips fail my request and go against me. He chuckled a bit and kissed me more.
I make my hands down to his belt buckle and I help him out a bit by disconnecting both sides of the belt from each other, loosening his jeans. After that, I unbutton and unzip his pants.
Zayn pulls away helps himself out of his jeans completely. I look down at his boxers and I can see a bulge in the front of them. By the looks, he's really turned on and I can't help but become excited myself.
I look up at his face and he winks a me a little bit. He had caught me staring. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment.
He kissed my lips again and then leaned near my right ear and whispered, "I think getting you ready will help ease the pain."
I knew exactly what that meant and it only made me more anxious. I want his hands in the right places at this very moment. But he is taking his time and I can't help but feel he's doing that on purpose.
He leaves little kisses down my neck and stops right before my chest. Then he places his head right over mine with his hands on either side of my head again. He looks at me and I look at him.
"Are you comfortable?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. I nodded, not knowing how to speak at this moment. "Are you comfortable with me touching you...down there?"
My organs feel like they're running a marathon.
I nodded and he smiled a little bit. "Okay. I'll be gentle."
He is such a good guy. Here he is, asking if he can touch my area. Some other rat would probably just go for it without approval. I'm sure Zayn assumed I wanted that but he has the decency to make sure. I love that about him.
One of his hands runs down my stomach and the other supports himself over me. I feel his fingers touch the rim of the top of my underwear and my chest rises and falls extremely quickly.
"It's okay, calm down." He pecked my lips. "I'll make it feel good, baby. But first, let's get these off." I felt vulnerable under him when he's got my underwear completely off. I watch him toss them onto the floor.
There's no going back. And I don't want to go back. I want this. I want this so bad.
Zayn's hand runs down my area and I tense. My whole body freezes. Zayn notices and he kisses me immediately. I feel his fingers touch the little nub that was wanting attention the most.
I gasped into Zayn's mouth and he pulled back. Two of his fingers sit on my clitoris and he moves them in a circular motion, sending me into hysterics.
"Does that feel good?" He asked softly. He added pressure and I arched my back and let out a pleasured moan. "I'll take that as a yes. But now, this must go." He proceeded to take my bra off with one hand.
He keeps his fingers on my area and moves them around. I let out little moans and decided to help him take my bra off. When it's off and thrown on the ground, Zayn quickens the pace with his fingers.
"God," I unconsciously moaned. I kept arching my back but Zayn kept pushing me down, saying to keep still. How is that possible?
"Spread your legs more." He instructed and I did, giving him more room to have. He still leans over me, watching my every response to his fingers. "I'm going go add a finger, okay?"
I nodded and felt the pleasure leave my clitoris. I felt a little nudge at my entrance and then one of his fingers slide inside me. I let out a noise and try to decide if this is feeling good or not.
"Does it hurt?" He asked, looking me in the eyes.
"I don't know." I managed to respond. He moved the finger out and then back in. I squirmed.
"Does it feel good?" He asked, pumping a few times. Deciding that it does feel good, I nodded. "You're already so wet." I felt my cheeks burning again.
His finger moves in and out of me and moans leave my lips like no other. While a finger is inside of me, Zayn uses another to touch my clitoris again and I let out a dragged moan.
"Another finger?" He asked and I moaned in response. He chuckled and slowly added another. The feeling was so foreign. It hurt but it also felt insanely good.
"Zayn, God." I breathed, bucking my hips. He chuckles and pushes my body back down onto the bed. I pull his neck down and connect our lips, needing some sort of distraction from this intense feeling. I love it, but I want to kiss him too.
"Hold still," He said against my lips with a laugh. He kept moving his fingers in and out while kissing me. How does he expect me to stay still? That's like telling a shark to stop swimming.
I moaned into Zayn's mouth, so overwhelmed by the pleasure he is giving me. He chuckles again and pulls back and places his lips on my neck. He kisses down my neck and onto my chest.
Zayn didn't ask to put the next finger in, he just did it and it stunned me. I grimace when I feel only discomfort. Zayn notices and stops kissing my chest and looks at me.
"Does it hurt?" He asked and I nodded, honestly. He frowned a little bit. "I'll just try to open you up as much as I can and then we can move on."
It's no doubt that Zayn has a big length. That's what I'm kind of afraid of. The bigger, the more painful. But I know Zayn will do his best and that's worth the try.
As Zayn continues to pump his fingers, I shut my eyes, trying to relax as much as I can. He goes slow with his fingers and then he increased his pace. I didn't know how to feel about this because it was a definite mixture of discomfort and pleasure.
I decided to move my hand down to my area and catch Zayn's hand. "I think I'm ready for you now." I didn't know how to say it without feeling awkward.
"You're sure?" He asked and then pecked my lips. I nodded, letting out a deep breath I didn't know that I was holding. "I will make the pain go away as soon as I can." Again, I nodded. I moved my hand off his and tried not to feel awkward by the wetness I felt on his fingers.
He moves his hand to the waistline of his boxers and pulls them down and then throws them on the floor. My eyes fall on his penis and my eyes involuntarily widen. He chuckled at me and pecked my lips again.
"Can you do me a favor now?" He asked me. I didn't respond because of how unsure I was about what he was implying. "Touch me." My chest rises and falls repeatedly. But I nodded, deciding that I should make him feel good too. "Just for a minute. I need help getting myself ready too, you know?"
He smiles cheekily at me and I can't help but smile back a little. He raises his eyebrows at me, asking without words if I'm going to start.
I move my hand down to his area and grasp it with my hand. Zayn lets out a loud breath and I look at his face.
"Just go up and down but don't squeeze very hard." He instructed, his eyes shut and his mouth opened. I squeezed his length and pumped my hand up and down. Zayn let out loud moans. "Oh God. Go faster."
I obeyed his instruction and quickened my pace. Zayn continues to moan and I study his facial expressions. He is so beautiful when he's turned on. His mouth is an oval shape and his eyes shut completely.
It's always been curious to me what it feels like to have a penis. It's one of my small kept-to-self secrets. Besides Lexi though, we both are curious.
I watch my hand on his penis for a second before looking back up at Zayn. His breathing is fast and he moans repeatedly. As I'm looking at him with awe, I see the Zayn I fell in love with so many years ago.
I watch with my imagination as his face goes back and forth between the ages that he's progressed. First, there's that little boy, then the thirteen year old Zayn, the sixteen, and then a large gab of photos I saw on Twitter, and then now.
Next I see when Zayn and I had our first kiss. When we were very young and were sitting on the swing set at one of our neighborhood parks. It was a strange kiss. A peck, really, but the intensity that I felt was unexplainable. A first kiss is the only first kiss you get and even though it was short, it was just as I imagined. Something I had waited for since I watched my first love movie with my mom.
"You're ready?" Zayn asked me and I hadn't realized I had stopped touching him. I nodded, looking up at him with pink cheeks. "You stopped so I just assumed that or that you wanted to stop."
I smiled. "I don't want to stop."
He smiled too. "Good." Then he pecked my lips. He moves so he's hovering over me again. His body is completely over mine. He presses his lips onto mine and we kiss for a few seconds. "I'll go slow."
I nodded again, trusting him as much as my body can. One of his hands moves down to his area and he directs his length to the area between my legs. When I feel the nudge me, I take a deep breath and let it out. He entered his length into me slowly.
I opened my mouth, letting out a noise caused by this foreign feeling. There is definite pain, for sure, but there's this tiny feeling of pleasure that keeps me motivated.
"You okay? Baby?" He asked, concern in his eyes. I hadn't realized I started crying until a tear streams down my cheek. I nodded, assuringly. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay." I said, honestly. "Just go slow, it's okay, Zayn."
He entered me deeper and I let out a yelp. I shut my eyes and let a few more tears fall out of my eyes. "I'm sorry, baby. I'll let you adjust, okay?"
I nodded and he kissed me. I distracted myself by kissing him harder and it worked. We kissed for who knows how long and he eventually entered his tongue into my mouth.
The large mass that I felt in my area felt so unreal. It is so painful but there's still this little ounce of pleasure that begs to differ. Deciding that I want that pleasure to stick out more, I pulled back from his lips.
"You can move." I said.
He didn't speak, he just moved himself out of me and then back in. He moaned and did it over and over again. For a while, I let himself get pleasure from me even though it was painful.
"Is it getting better?" He asked in between moans. He reopened his eyes, looking at me expectantly.
"Yeah, it's getting there. You can go faster." I said, wanting that feeling to become more intense. He pumps himself back out and in of me, quicker.
My breathing quickens just as much as his. I let out an uncontrolled moan, arching my back a bit. My eyes shut and I am flabbergasted by this incredible feeling between my legs.
Zayn doesn't ask how I am now, I'm sure he assumes correctly that the pain is gone. He surprises me by placing his fingers on my clitoris and moving it around.
"Shit, Ariana." He groaned as he went deeper into me. I moaned loudly, an intense feeling in my core, electrifying my entire body. I'm assuming that was my G-spot, something everyone who knows about sex talks about. I begin to remember this feeling from years ago.
The feeling is similar to when we did this over six years ago. But it's a complete other boat if you ask me. The feeling is more intense and breathtaking. He's obviously grown and he seems more prepared and ready this time.
I moaned, distracting myself from my thoughts for a moment. It scares me how good this feels. How can something so weird, feel so insanely amazing?
Zayn repeatedly hits my G-spot and I completely shake underneath him from this feeling. He doesn't mention it, he just looks at me and often tells me to open my eyes. Each time, I didn't realize I shut them.
"I'm so close." He croaked, sinking deep into me. I moaned his name and he moaned again, making me feel good about how he reacts to that. "I'm so fucking close."
It dawned on me that I'm super close too, feeling that pressure build up inside my stomach. I nodded and told him I'm close too.
There was so many times that Zayn tried to convince or tempt me into sex in the past year. The thought of me not feeling ready back then makes me almost laugh. What? I wasn't ready for sex? I was so lame. This is nothing to be afraid of.
"Zayn," I moaned, arching my back, feeling the sensation come closer to my high. My high is almost here and to be honest, I'm excited for it. Zayn's pace is fast and I know he is only seconds away from his too. I look at him in the eyes and he looks right back, his mouth gaped and sweat lining on his forehead.
He makes another face, completely shutting his eyes. A loud and throaty moan leaves his mouth and then I knew by the feeling inside of me, that he reached his high, sending his liquids inside of me.
This sent me over the edge and I reached mine too. My entire back arched and my stomach touched Zayn's in the process. The sensation was powerful, the feeling so indescribable.
"Shit." He cursed. "Fuck." I shut my eyes.
Zayn pumped himself in and out of me a few more times before slipping out and laying in the side of the bed next to me. I lay there for a few seconds before turning my head to look at him.
"I love you." I said softly. He looked at me.
"I love you so much more." He responded, his voice hoarse. "That was so good."
"I did good?" I asked. He scooted up next to me and pulled the covers over us. He looks me in the eyes and nods, smiling.
"Extraordinary." He kissed my cheek. "You were so tight." I blushed immediately.
I laid my head on his chest and he rested a hand on my back and gently rubbed, using his nails a bit too. We stayed silence for a while and all we could eat were each other's breathing. I listened as it went from out of breath, to calm again in the space of ten minutes.
"It was definitely worth the wait." He spoke, breaking the silence. "It was so much better than I remembered."
"It was." I agreed.
"I love you so much." He said for the millionth time tonight. I'm not complaining. I love when he reminds me all the time.
"I love you." I told him.
It was true. I loved Zayn Malik with all my heart. There was not one single piece of me that didn't love him and I don't think that would ever change.
Ever.
.
.
.
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A/N:
I don't feel confident about this chapter :/ I'm not good at writing sex and stuff. Sorry...
There is ONE chapter left!!!!!!! (Unless I'm spontaneous and I make it into two because yeah)!
Comment and vote, please!
BTW: I will not be posting the first chapter to the sequel until this book hits 100k. It's 10k away guys:)
Whether you so that before or after the book ends, that says put!
Thanks!!
Ttyl x
-Mackenzie xoxo