| Ten | In Private
I hate thinking "maybe I should show less love"or "Maybe I shouldn't care as much". Any normal person could see the relationship we had wasn't anywhere near that.
But I shouldn't have to think or feel that way.
My heart was made for loving hard and caring even harder.
Somehow I think this state of mind is my norm now. My generation has made it cool or "cute" to be depressed; how depressing.
To be whimsically immature and equally hard-headed, Cheers! To the generation of not giving a fuck. God help us all.
Wrapped in a tornado of lust and temptation, I submit to his spell.
Nevertheless, this is what he does to me. Dragging me in the men's restroom to say God knows what he couldn't have through text. I had gotten a pass with no effort though.
He was leaning on a restroom stall when I found him. My eyes scanning underneath them quickly to see if we were alone.
His head rose from his phone. Meeting his gaze with my own, a smirk formed across his face, "Damn," he licked his lips, "It take twenty minutes to walk down the hall?"
"Five actually, took me 15 to decide if I wanted to come" I found a suitable spot to stand, next to a sink and mirror, "wassup?"
He sighed, his head tilting side to side as he crossed his arms, "You mad at me, ain't you?"
I didn't answer him. My looks and stares told more than what words could at that moment. He groaned at my silence, reaching for my hand, he had a loose grip on one of my fingers. I felt him tug. Pulling me into him like a vice.
"You like playing with my mind, don't you?" I question, "Seems like you get a genuine kick out of frustrating the hell out of me." He seemed to almost freeze in motion. Something I couldn't expect coming from him. He sighed releasing me, putting his hands in his pockets.
"I'm still trying to figure out why you're so mad at me.." I could tell he weren't taking me serious. The smirk on his face giving him away.
"You're dodging..."
"I'm not trying to mess with your head fuckboy!" A laugh escaping him, "Why would I do that? It'd be pointless..." he continued.
Believing him would only lead to disappointment I feared and one thing I hated was being lied to.
"Wow.. that's crazy, you're starting to believe your own lies now."
He looked at me as if he were questioning my seriousness. "Why you keep coming at me like that?"
"I'm not coming at you like anything. I just wanna know what you want. You called me into the bathroom just for shits and giggles?"
He were silent for a moment. Contemplating his thoughts I could tell, "You just confuse me Chris.."
"Me. Confuse you?" I rolled my eyes. "How ironic..."
"So you don't believe me then?" He bounced back and forth off the stall door behind him impatiently.
"I never said I didn't. But since you're so confused about it, how about you let me know when you wanna figure it out Joel."
"That's why I wanted you in here..." he lifted off of the stall. His eyes scanning me over intensely. He had backed me up against the sink,"What if I wanted to figure it out now?" He asked rubbing his pelvis against mine, between the two of us I couldn't tell who were getting an erection faster.
"Joel..." I say quietly unable to move him, a moan just as silent as my words escaping from his contact as he licked and nibbled on my ear down to my neck.
"What?" He said in-between small kisses. His hands began a search and find on my body. "Don't tell me that moan didn't mean anything to you." He pulled away with a smirk on his face.
"Did it mean anything to you?" I questioned.
Before he could even answer, loud steps coming from the hallway echoed making their way to the bathroom. Seemed to do the trick in getting his hands from inspecting my body anymore.
He moved quickly to a urinal close by, motioning for me to get in one of the bathroom stalls.
I rolled my eyes. Dismissing even the thought of 'hiding', in a school restroom no less. His immediate action said all of what he couldn't himself. I turned around to face the sink behind me, pretending to wash my hands. Seems like that's all I'm good at these days; pretending things don't happen both in private and public.
The steps got louder as they entered the bathroom, revealing the owner. I thought it might be just a student I hadn't talk to. Unfortunately, that applies to most of my peers. Instead it was Derrick, strutting in to a song he seemed to be humming in his head.
"Oop." Escaped him as his glance strides between me and Joel. I roll my eyes and continue washing my hands.
Not sure if Joel ever met him, however catching a glimpse through the mirror, they shared a head nod before the boy entered a stall. I shook my wrist rapidly shaking the water off my hands and left quickly. I felt I had already over stayed my welcome. The amount of bacteria and germs living there was enough to disgust me, I would shit on myself before I actually relieved myself anywhere near the schools restroom.
On my way back down to my classroom, I took the time to text Von back before I forgot again. Too many things were occurring all at once. From Joel and Von, to homecoming and making my senior year at the very least somewhat enjoyable, to keeping my grades together and worrying about my future.
Von : wyd when you get out of school ? Wanna chill ? I read.
: Maybe lol I don't think I'll be up to it by the end of the day
Von: Damn, well if you change ya mind..
By the time I got done reading his response I were already near the classroom. I walked in and took my seat close to Shae again.
"Damn shitty, are you okay? You need some juice or pepto? " She asked.
I rolled my eyes smiling, "Neither."
Shae side eyed me like always, "I find it so funny how you only go to the bathroom when that phone ringing ?"
"And I find it funny how you always find your way into my business, now hand me ya' paper Ceilie."
A worksheet had been passed out while I was gone so I decided to get that done as quickly as possible. Making sure to look at Shae's paper a few times just to finish earlier.
My classes were always somewhat easy to me. I was told I could've been in more advanced classes had they actually had room for me. Easier day I guess.
10 minutes remained in class after awhile of lecturing and more bookwork. A few knocks and the door jiggling open caught a few students attention including my own. Derrick again. Holding a note in his hand as he scanned the room quickly and waved to a friend he knew across the room. Probably doing Office Assistant work. Only the lucky ones got to do that instead of going to an actual class.
"What do you need Mr. Willard?"
"I need Christian Toe-mas to come to the office" he said reading a note smiling brightly, knowing full well that wasn't my name.
The teacher waved for me to go, "It's Thomas." I said matter-of-factly as I got up out of my desk.
I got in the hallway with Derrick only a few steps in front of me. He walked with a certain attitude in his step. It went passed flamboyance and more towards arrogance if you asked me.
"You could've cut that tension with a knife in the bathroom huh?" He asked. A sudden vision of me stomping him out crossed my thoughts. I refrain. Not giving him the reaction he's looking for is his best bet.
"Don't know what you're talking about.."
"Don't mind me, I just be noticing how y'all look at each other is all." He continued marching ahead of me.
"...You got one more time-"
"Here he is Ms. Bland!" He opened the office door with a quickness, smiling the same smile he had when coming to get me from my class.
"Christian! Nice to see you." Ms. Bland spoke as I entered and Derrick took his seat next to her.
"Hi Ms. Bland," I made sure my eyes met Derricks before giving her my full attention. "You need me?" Somehow Ms. Bland was that one person in the school of authority that seemed cool and made us feel comfortable. Could talk to her as if she were a friend honestly.
"Yep, your Mom left a note for you." She rolled back in her chair towards a file cabinet with a yellow note sticker hanging on it. "She said to call her when you get a chance too." She grabbed the note and handed it to me.
𝙽𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚑𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎, 𝚖𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚗𝚎𝚍𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚘 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛
She couldn't text me this?
"You coming to the homecoming game Christian?" Ms. Bland asked politely, I was going to answer but a J sounding word escaped Derricks lips as he snickered away to some file cabinets in the back.
If my stare contained venom he'd be dead by now, "I don't know, haven't paid for the game or the dance yet. Not too many people here I care enough to be around anyway.." I spoke with a tone daring Derrick to challenge me on this. He chose wisely at saying nothing at all.
"Well if you need any help let me know by tomorrow, I could see what I can do. You know it's tomorrow right?"
"Yea, and thanks, I'll let you know."
Tomorrow?? Maybe the morning announcements actually say something. Now that I know how soon it is makes me want to go almost.
I exited the room before I lost another brain cell trying to pick apart Derrick's silly shit.
I pulled out the note and read it again. Looks like I'll have to cancel Von's invitation. He'll probably think I'm flaking on him.
I decided to text him while I were on my way back. Within minutes I get a "🤕" back. Today just seems to get messier by the moment. Everybody got some extra feelings, that I'm just not feeling. In private your one person, yet when I see you, your different.
I don't like that.
A few classes went by before I could call my mom. They kept me busier than usual. When I did she wasn't happy. Apparently I called when she was in one of her morning meeting routines. She let me have it outside the doors of her livelihood. But after all was said, all that came to my mind and eventually to her...
"..But you told me to call you. Also you could've just texted me."
"Okay and my phone fell in the toilet here at work so don't get popped! Mind your business, I sent them the note for a reason. I'm on my work phone right now. Anyway I need you to watch your brother tonight. Ya' granny cancelled and I don't got nobody else that will. I might need you tomorrow too."
"Tomorrow's the homecoming game."
"And? You ain't said nothing bout no game."
"I really just found out to be honest. I don't really pay attention to morning announcements, I always miss something."
"We'll see, but today you definitely need to be there to get him off the bus."
"I got it."
School was over and I did what Mama told me. Go home and get my brother off the bus stop. Von had been texting me back and forth over whether or not I was trying to avoid him.
Von: "You won't be satisfied til I pop up on you huh?"
: 🙄 I'd rather you not
This is wild that he all of sudden wants to see me so bad.
Not long after that, three unexpected rhythmic knocks came from the door .