XXX. sober
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[Zayn's POV]
After finding out Thalia was in Paris, I decided to take some time off work to go find her. Naturally.
At 1am sometime in early December, I phoned Louis and then Danny. "Zayn, what the fuck?" Louis groaned down the phone.
"Sorry Lou, I just need your help." I asked desperately.
Louis groaned again. "If you're phoning for girl advice you can fuck right off."
Biting my lip, I sighed. "Look, I'm coming over. Right now." And ended the call.
Don't get me wrong, I loved Louis, and I knew he needed his sleep, but the sooner Thalia forgave me, the sooner he could get back to sleep.
-
I ended up inviting all five of my best mates over: Danny, Louis, Liam, Harry, and Niall. I arranged for us all to fly to Charles de Gaulle airport the following day, so they really couldn't say no.
"It'll be fun," I assured them as we all bit into large slices of pizza, my best bet as persuading them to take a roadtrip with me. Look, I loved Thalia, and I hated being alone. If I was going to get to her house, isolated in some part of Paris which I did not know, only to be rejected, then I at least needed my best mates with me to support me.
God, I was sweating just thinking about it. What if Thalia never forgave me? I mean, she was renowned for her moodswings. If she were to reject me, on the steps of her own front door, then I think my heart would just shatter...everywhere...very messy: I would cease to exist.
"So, whereabouts is her house, then?" Niall said between mouthfuls of pizza.
Scratching my neck, I bit my lip. "You see...uh...I don't know."
Louis slapped me on the back of my head and I noticed Liam shaking his head in disappointment. "You don't know? Zayn, man, how do you expect to find her in Paris? You can't even find your other sock!" Louis pointed to my feet.
He was right. The boys had arrived at mine so early that I'd simply rolled out of bed, one sock lost somewhere in between my blankets. He was so right.
"Siri might know," I offered hesitantly.
Harry laughed. I don't know why because Louis looked like he was about to rip my head off my shoulders.
Everyone turned to Harry and he stopped laughing. "It's just...funny." He explained.
I rolled my eyes and decided that my best bet would be to phone Dana.
-
"Why would I give you her address, Zayn?" Was one of the nicer things Dana said when I told her my plan.
"The reason she escaped to France was to get away from you, Zayn. Let her have this."
I sighed. "But I don't want her to forget me."
After a few moments of deliberation, Dana seemed to thaw a little. She exhaled and then said; "If I give you her address, you've got to do something for me in return, since my neck is on the line for doing this..."
"Anything. Absolutely anything."
"I've got a party thing at uni in a week's time. Perhaps you could buy me the dress."
"Dana, I-"
"Uh-huh." Dana interrupted. "Maybe you didn't get the message. Buy me that dress, and I'll get you to Thalia. Please." Dana almost sounded sincere, but I could still sense her obvious disdain for me.
Sighing, "Fine. Just tell me where she is."
-
Before I could even think about Thalia, Dana had persuaded me to buy her dress and matching shoes. How in God's name Thalia was friends with someone like her was beyond me.
As the buildings in Paris grew in size and the plane landed, tension knotted in my stomach. I had the address, I had my mates, and I had a suitcase with enough clothes to last me a fortnight, but I was still nervous. Thalia could dispel me at any moment: she could go apeshit on me, which I knew she was definitely capable of.
The thing about her was she was really strong. Her strength was like a silent confidence which she wore always. She wasn't to be messed about, and she wasn't to be doubted. I loved her for that: I loved her for everything.
Seeing as One Direction were apparently quite popular, we couldn't arrive at Thalia's house without a whole host of bodyguards. We were driven through the city to a neighbourhood, where all the houses were small and quaint.
Each of them seemed to be named after a battle I found out, as Danny had googled them: Wagram, Crécy, Amstetten, Bailén...and as we passed all these houses, I saw one house in particular, and instantly knew it was Thalia's. It had to be.
White and surprisingly large, it was the perfect place for her. Written in gold on the side of the house was a sign; a little old, but beautiful nonetheless. It said soleil d'or, which I was sure meant golden sun, in swirly writing. I wondered why its name was so different to the other houses, but then I was being tugged out of the car by the sleeve and Harry was fixing my hair.
It dawned on me that this was it...after weeks apart I was going to see her again, and I suddenly wished that le soleil d'or would set the world on fire, or something.
As I brushed off my jeans and attempted to smooth out the crinkles in my white shirt, I looked up and caught a glimpse of Thalia in the window.
She didn't see me, but that was because of the man beside her, smiling at her like I used to.
-
Apparently, all the boys, my bodyguards, and the neighbours had noticed Thalia and the mystery man, and were all silent.
Opening the car door, I muttered. "Let's go. I'm sorry for wasting your time, lads."
Louis and Liam pulled me back out the car. Louis slapped the back of my head in his usual fashion and told me, "Go."
I knew the boys would hate me if I didn't go: so I did.
Unsure of which door to go through, I found my way through the back garden, something which was overgrown with weeds and thorns that scratched my legs and neck.
As I was almost at her back door, I heard the familiar nuances of her voice as she laughed, and I was struck by the hold her voice alone had on me.
She was laughing and chasing a young boy around the garden whilst the guy from earlier laughed too. This Thalia was happy, full of energy...nothing like she had been with me. I realised that while I was upset, she was happier than ever.
And then there she was, right in front of me, and she looked like she'd been through hell with a smile.
Her eyes narrowed for a moment, fixed and focused, before she smiled at me. "Zayn!" Thalia wrapped her arms around me quickly before pulling out of the embrace, leaving me breathless. What?
"Thalia, are you...drunk?"
"Isn't it wonderful? Just what I needed."
"Thalia, you're drunk."
"No," she giggled. "You're sober."
"Thalia, there's a kid right there! You don't...drink."
She waved me off, "It's Paris, I'm free, I'm drunk. Zayn, I don't care." My mouth fell open. I didn't know what I was expecting, but this wasn't it. Thalia didn't drink.
My eyes flitted across to the man who made her smile. Probably fucked her too, my subconscious replied.
"You." I pointed at him and he walked towards me, his smile fading. He was a good few inches taller than me, but I still met his curious glare with an icy one.
"You and I need to talk." I said.
He laughed. "You're that bloke who made her move to a whole other country, aren't you? She's told me a lot about you."
I clenched my teeth and could feel my jaw tick. "I didn't make her do anything, mate. She broke up with me." Thalia stood behind him and I could see the lost look on her face. Although her eyes were blurry, her face was stony and she looked exhausted. My girl.
"Look, mate, nothing is going on between Thalia and I. I already have a son." He scratched his head. "I was hitchhiking and she was kind enough to let us stay."
My face fell, "You- you...that's yours?" I was lost.
"So why are you sleeping with her?" I asked, clueless. Fuck, this was embarrassing. Who even was this guy?
Thalia blushed. "Zayn, it's not like that."
"So what is it like, Thalia? Tell me, I'm dying to know."
She glared at me. "Don't you dare come to my house and think you have the right to-" Before she could finish her sentence, I grabbed her by the waist and drew her in, kissing her hard.
She began kissing back instantly, and suddenly all reason melted away. That was until she pulled back and her warmth faded, and was replaced instantly by pain. She'd kicked me in the nuts.
-
Despite probably being bruised somewhere unpleasant, I refused to leave. There was no way I was going to go back to the car without some sort of closure. I wanted her, bad. I wanted her to want me back, and I wanted to just live with her. She was the kind of someone you would breathe for if you had to: it was in that moment, when Thalia let me sit down in her fancy house with fancy red decor, offering me a bag of iced peas for my crotch, that I realised she was that someone.
Her roommates left us alone, and took her car out somewhere; something I didn't necessarily approve of but wasn't going to argue about when I was here with her, alone.
"Nice place you've got here," I commented. Thalia smiled and sipped her water cautiously.
"So...what brings you to France?" Thalia asked.
"You." I responded, suppressing a smile when I saw her gasp. "I didn't come on my own, though. I brought the boys and they've been sat outside for over an hour so could I let them come in?"
She nodded, eyes wide. "Of course. Um, do you...do you want something to drink?"
I sighed. "Do you have a beer?"
-
By the end of the night, the boys had left with our bodyguards to a hotel I'd booked, so it was just Thalia and I. Danny and Louis stayed, though, because they said they wanted to be there when she kicked me out. Her friend which got her drunk and made her smile so much the neighbours wanted to know had taken his son elsewhere. Good. I hoped they stayed there.
We sat outside on a bench, flowers growing in between the wooden slats. It looked like it would rain tonight.
After four beers, I was feeling dizzy and drunk like I was in love all over again. Inside, Danny and Louis were watching us. Danny had spoken to her earlier about Smith, and I felt bad for her. She must have been overwhelmed.
As Thalia and I sat, there was a sudden clap of thunder and lightning spider-webbed across the sky. She jumped, and then shook her head, laughing at herself.
"Hey," I whispered. This is just like when we first met, I wanted to say. "It's a storm. We can go inside if you want."
She shook her head, and shortly after it began to rain. Thalia stood up and I watched her go. She was full of contradictions.
From the living room window, I saw Louis and Danny mouth 'Follow her' to me.
"Lia," I whispered, taking her hand and spinning her around into my arms.
"Zayn," she completed. It looked like she wanted to say something else, but instead she hugged herself and stood with her face to the sky.
The rain was pounding down around us, saturating the grass like marais; marshland.
"I know I'm wrong." I said quietly. Thalia dragged her gaze away from the sky and stared at me. "You do?"
"I'm really sorry." I knew it was a lousy apology, but I'd run out of words. What was I supposed to say? Sorry I fucked my ex and lied to you?
Thalia turned away from me and looked up at the sky once again, rain coating her face and smearing her makeup. She heard me, but refused to acknowledge it. I sighed. I was now talking to her back as she stared somewhere I wasn't.
"I lied...to you. I know that you know, and I know that lying is dumb, but-" god, I was sweating already. I ran my hands through my dark hair with a sigh. "Yes, I loved her. I'm trying to fall out of love with her because she's no good for me, but neither are you."
Thalia played with her dark black hair. I could hear sniffling, and wanted to hold her, but didn't in fear of rejection.
"What I mean is, I am in love with you, Thalia. And...I am so unforgivably in love with you."
I was drunk, so whatever I dared to spill out now was going to be the truth about my love for her and how love was sometimes not enough. Sometimes temptation and greed and knowing you can have something that you've had before is more than love, and oh how love was a sticky thing to fall into.
"I fell in love with Perrie before I knew you because I was desperate to love someone and feel something a-and I sometimes fall back in love with her when I'm drunk, but when I'm sober, when I'm drunk, when I'm half-sober, it's you."
I heard her sigh and I closed my eyes fleetingly. "If you kick me out, I swear I will hate myself even more than I already do. I just wanted to say sorry."
"How?" Thalia asked. She turned around. "How do you plan to win me over this time, Zayn?" She continued, looking at me with her blazing eyes. "Money and money and books and, oh, more money? I am not some whore you can screw over time and time again." She closed her eyes. A vein protruded from her forehead; a telltale sign that I was a goner.
She was angry again. I mean, I had seen angry Thalia, but never had I seen this Thalia. What did I say?
"I'm a human, Zayn. I have feelings, and you throw me about and I'm so fucking sick of it." And, reluctantly, she pushed me away.
I tried to think.
I sat on the pavement. Rain gushed down around me; clothes stuck to me. And Thalia? She sat next to me.
We leaned against the fence of her garden in her fancy French house and I was hit with the realisation that this place was made for her. It was close to the city and safe, and it was secluded and quiet enough for her to think. It was away from the traffic of London and the hectic lifestyle she so needed to abandon.
By now, we were both soaked. I wrapped my arms around my knees and brought my knees to my chest.
I felt Thalia lean her pretty head against my bony shoulder, and she sobbed against me. I let her, turning my head slightly so I could kiss her forehead.
I was reminded of the day Thalia broke down in her kitchen and I slept with her innocently: side by side, skin almost close enough to be touching, lights off.
"I don't know where I stand with you," I said quietly.
Thalia breathed out. I felt her lift her head, just enough so that her words weren't as muffled. "What do you want me to say, Zayn?"
In my head, I thought, 'Tell me you love me. Just once.'
But instead I said, "Everything. I just want some...closure."
"Well, I don't want to be problematic. I know I'm hard to put up with and I don't want to be your problem."
Thalia sat up and dragged her warmth with her. Her light blue skirt was dark from the rain and her hair so wet it was as dark as the shadows cast on her garden.
I turned so we were facing each other, cross-legged, hands on our knees.
"I need to do something..." Thalia announced quietly. "See if I'll miss it."
I nodded, perplexed. If she was to take out a knife and stab me with it, I probably wouldn't mind.
Leaning forward, she placed her hands on my face. Her nose brushed mine and I shut my eyes at the feel of her skin. Something was so endearing about her; I felt compelled to protecting her from the worst things, even myself.
I thought I'd exploded when her lips brushed mine, so sweet and hesitant. Calm and warm.
I gripped her waist, one hand in her hair as she kissed my jaw, my neck. She sighed as I ran my hands up her back and brushed her hair aside so I could kiss her neck. She gasped when I left a small hickey there, all purple and pink and bright on her milky skin. I don't know why I did - maybe I wanted to scare her male friend off, or maybe I just wanted to feel like I had her again.
And then it was over.
Thalia ran her small hands through her long hair and she smiled at me. It was a shy smile; swollen lips curved at the corners. Still, it was a smile.
"I missed you, Zayn." Thalia said.
I nodded.
She sighed. "I want you to be mine, Zayn. Only mine." Thalia looked at me earnestly.
"You have me." I answered.
She shook her head. "Only temporarily."
"No. You have me always, Thalia." Honest to God. "Whatever Perrie and I had I'll get over. I have a lot to learn about love, and I'd rather I learnt it from you."
Thalia smiled slowly, apparently pleased with my answer. "I forgive you, Zayn Malik. Let's just forget." I grinned at her, trying not to come across as too eager but oh fuck it.
She stood up, holding her hand out to help me up. I took it.
"Well." She bent down and picked up a dry leaf from the ground, by the ancient barbecue. "Got a lighter?"
Confused, I dug one out from my pocket and gave it to her.
"Three months ago we made that deal." Thalia flicked the lighter three times. "And I think we need to try again. No more deals, okay?"
Smiling at her, I replied, "Deal."
Thalia laughed and held the leaf at arm's length, setting fire to it.
We watched as the last bit of Autumn slowly burned away. Within me, something seemed to have unravelled. Hope.
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A/N - heeey!
hope this chapter was alright for you with all the zhalia and the boys etc
ps HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZAYN
this chapter was going to be waaay longer, like the boys were going to drive for days finding her and look for her house but i thought it might have been boring and take ages to write so
the next chapter will be up in a week or two depending on how school goes <3 um on the side i will try to put up a picture of thalia's house in france, so you get an idea
dedicated to the bestest person ever, Hana, who has written a Zayn fanfic called Dazzled which you should check out :p
- and comment below some artists/songs for me to listen to please?? I like rnb, rap, indie, rock music and other stuff so yeah x