I finally left Barking Tube Station after almost an hour journey from Victoria due to the usual peak hours time. People were all rushing back home from work.
But not me.
My time was still ticking and I wouldn't waste any second of it until I found what I looked for.
No one could stop my steps this time as I was running to a place that I intended to go before DCI Cooper stopped me at the corridor earlier, which was definitely Chae's house. I made it as the first place I needed to go since I already told Hopkins the address and they would prepare search warrant later.
I had to go there before anyone in the MIT would. I had to look and take any clue I found to my own self before they did. Because I wouldn't trust a single soul with the evidence except Baxter.
"Good evening, Mrs. West" I greeted when a door in front of me was opened, looking at a woman in her early 50s who owned the house Chae and Natalie rented just next door.
"Good evening" She greeted back, repositioning her glasses.
"I'm Detective Lisa Isaac, MIT"
"Ah, detective!" She exclaimed. "I remember you at the BBQ!"
I smiled. "Yeah, that's me who dropped a whole bowl of black pepper sauce"
She laughed a little with me before she spoke again.
"Detective, I'm so sorry about Chae" The woman addressed her regrets. "She was a lovely, sweet person"
"Thank you, Mrs. West" I responded. "She really was"
She backed away a little, opening the door wider. "Please come in, detective!"
"That's alright, ma'am. I can't stay long" I declined politely. "I just need something"
"What can I help you with?"
"I need the key for the house Chae rented," I answered. "I've got to conduct some search in her bedroom"
Mrs. West took her own time before she could give me any response, and I saw hesitation in her body gestures straight away.
"Of course, detective" She said. "But my husband would want to see a search warrant first" She explained because I knew she was reluctant to say no to my request. "Because that house is rented by Natalie as well and she's not around"
"I totally understand that, ma'am. Don't worry, it's the renting policy" I assured the woman. "But I don't have the warrant since this isn't an official search"
Mrs. West was silent again, probably thinking of the reasons why a detective came to conduct a search alone without her team and also a warrant.
"I'll ask my husband about it later, detective"
"Oh, he isn't home?"
"No, his shift ends at 10p.m."
I brought my head down, sighing when I knew I had no luck in this attempt to enter Chae's room. I couldn't break in either, remembering that I already physically assaulted a law enforcement officer and assaulted an Inspector with vulgar language.
I wouldn't want a home invasion charges to be put on me and my career would be ruined forever.
"But maybe," The woman's voice attracted me back. "I can you let you in before he gets home"
So I walked to the house next door, making my way to the front with a ring of keys that I got from Mrs. West. I didn't wait for anything as I unlocked it immediately, getting in and locking it back from the inside.
Remembering which room that belonged to my girlfriend even though I had only entered this house once before, I climbed the stairs while putting a set of gloves on my hands, just in case I found something that I didn't want to contaminate with my fingerprints.
It was Chae who would always come to my house for a sleepover because she knew I didn't really like this area. It would make me feel unsafe to sleep on her bed at night and I might end up not sleeping at all.
That was why I always preferred her to come to my place instead. I even tried to convince her to move in with me because I thought my apartment was safe for her. Chae always declined my offer even though she wouldn't need to pay a single pence to me monthly. She could live at my house forever if she wanted to, just like how she lived in my heart; always welcomed, always waited.
Come back to me, baby.
But she was kind enough not to let Natalie paid for the whole house alone. The monthly number would be super expensive for the other woman if it wasn't divided by two.
That was how my Chae was; always put other people first than herself.
Turning on the wall switch, I pushed the door even more after unlocking it when the room was now bright enough for my eyes. The curtain was closed, blocking the sunlight from entering.
I placed one leg forward, stepping into Chae's room and suddenly a cold breeze hit my skin so delicately as if it was just passing through. That stopped me for seconds to assess my surrounding since there wasn't any opened window whatsoever.
Where did the breeze come from?
Plus, it was almost autumn but the breeze earlier was like a winter wind would be. That was how cold it felt like, giving me a tiny surprise a little.
Sighing, I put both of my legs in the room as my eyes began the scanning. Her bed was the first thing I saw when I opened the door, noticing a small, wooden cross she hung on the wall about few inches up from the headboard.
My lips formed a faint smile as if I was greeting one of the things Chae respected the most.
The search started from her stuffs under the bed, looking inside every box I found. There was nothing much there except for pictures of her mother, childhood memories and such.
Chae didn't really talk about the woman who gave birth to her. I only knew about her mother's leukaemia and didn't survive. Chae dropped her master 3 years ago to work on double shifts just to help her father.
I didn't ask much about it either since I didn't want to make old scars bled. Even though I didn't understand how it felt like to lose someone I loved before, I still took some precautions and I was glad that I did.
Because now I finally felt it and my heart writhed every time I remembered about losing Chae.
I had spent more than an hour in this room, looking for anything that could help me in this investigation. I went through every little space, every drawer, every compartment but nothing hit my attention. I even doubled checking everything to make sure I didn't leave any important sign unnoticed. But I guessed the same luck I managed to get that helped me in having the house keys in my hand, didn't work for this search.
Nothing in this room was meant to be found.
I closed my eyes, holding my head with my elbow pressing on the thigh. I shouldn't have came here actually since Chae's bedroom wasn't the crime scene. I knew for good that I wouldn't find the killer's identity here, but that was because I wasn't looking for the killer.
I was looking for my Chae Richards.
She was talkative; a beautiful fairy kind of storyteller. She would talk even though I was already fallen asleep. She talked a lot even in my dreams as my semi-conscious brain could still pick up her sweet, soft voice. But who would have thought, someone who was always gave and shared new perspectives of life, actually hiding something about her life in reality?
Chae Richards had always been this bright, heart catching sweetheart who filled my life with colours, who dismissed my anger in her considerate peace, who infected me with love and compassion that were impossible for me to forget. But did she had a mask on?
Was she sad? Was she depressed?
That was why I came here at the first place. I needed to know if there was any possibility that she actually, killed herself. I just had to know if she had left some notes that she didn't want anyone to find, but me.
Did she leave any clue that she knew
only me would find?
After living in this temporary happiness she gave me, I deserved to find my own peace that my girlfriend could no longer give.
The answer of what happened to my Chae, was the peace I seeked for.
"Chae, baby?"
I breathed her name out even though I knew she couldn't hear me. But I just had to, because I missed calling her. It had been a day since the last time I called her that and it felt so weird not doing so.
"I miss you so much, please..." I muttered, sniffling as my nose just started to hurt.
Giving up, I got up from Chae's bed after a moment of rest. But I heard a thud under the bed as soon as my weight was lifted up for the bed to hold, sounding like something just fell on the tile.
I ran my eyes down, looking at the floor if there was anything there, but I couldn't see any.
Breathing out loud, I bended my knees until they touched the floor.
My heart was pounding fast all of the sudden, thinking of those horror films Chae made me watched with her on movie nights. I didn't even watch that genre before.
But something about myself just changed when I had someone to share it with. My own self wasn't only mine anymore, it was torned into two and given to Chae. And when she left, half of me was gone with her as well.
I finally collected my guts to look at what just fell, lowering my upper body as my eyes opened until my cheek touched the cold, white coloured tile.
My eyeballs caught something that wasn't there before when I did the search. There was a thin piece of plywood that had a blue covered book lying on it. I looked at the wood up that supported the mattress together and that was where this piece wood fell off from.
Chae had this secret compartment under the bedframe itself that I believed was a DIY concept, blinding me or anyone else who tried to find whatever she store in it. And for this case, it was that blue book.
My hand reached for it, properly sitting back on the edge of the bed when I had it in my grip.
Sighing, I began to uncover what I found inside it; a normal notebook that had page count below, printed with horizontal lines to be used as space separator between rows.
There were just random notes, mostly about her cooking recipes that she planned to cook for me since I saw "For Lisa" scattered on the pages.
I smiled while my eyes began to water.
She just loved cooking so much.
Baby, I haven't eaten anything since breakfast.
But I scratched my eyes immediately to fix my blurry vision when I found few pages that were teared up. Page 16 and 17 were missing as there was an obvious mark in the centre of the book to indicate it.
My fingers turned to the back of page 17 that still had some good size of paper left that wasn't torn perfectly, noticing the same black inked writing on previous pages.
I narrowed my eyes, trying to read the sentence.
...let me go.
My heart was beating even harder than before, hand flipping page after page that was also teared and leaving me with incomplete sentence.
I love you, Lisa.
"No, no-"
I'm so sorry.
"No! Please!"
Tears ran down along my cheeks, dripping on the papers that expanded the inked slightly upon contact.
I love you.
"No, no no please-"
I have to
"Chae!"
Forgive me for this.
I threw the book with anger and sadness that didn't mix well, looking at how it hit our picture on the wall until the frame smashed on the floor, breaking its glass into pieces.
My chest was moving up and down, not even trying to control my breathing as I let my frustration punished me in my own belief of Chae.
I thought I knew my girlfriend well. I thought she wouldn't jump because she had no reasons to, but it was me who couldn't see those reasons. Chae was just good at hiding her true emotions.
As my head lowered down, I continued my sobs when I actually found something I wished would bring me the peace I needed.
I was wrong.
Finding that book didn't give me what I needed. It just hurt me even more.
Why, Chae?