skdkdjfj NONE OF YOU GOT IT (the reason behind tae's behaviour)
UPDATE 07.08.2020
thank u all so much for being patient with me! updates may be very slow because mentally im struggling more than usual but im getting there!! ive had this chapter edited and in my drafts for a few weeks but i didnt post because i was a bit :/ about it (hence it's shorter than the usual chapter) but i cant really improve on it so this will have to do i guess . the next chapters should be better tho!
please take care of yourselves!! make sure to get enough sleep, drink lots of water, eat as much as ur body requires, rest when u need to, exercise when u have the energy to, and do something fun such as play a video game or watch a movie. we have to look after ourselves and each other now more than ever. we can get through this!!also please try to stay updated on the issues happening in lebanon, turkey, kashmir, palestine, etc and donate if possible. even just speaking on the issue can do a lot of good so dont be silent when ur voice needs to be heard!
They walk into the restaurant and Seokjin notices that Mr Kim is quite restless yet is overall in a good mood. He wants to ask if everything's okay because he feels like Mr Kim may have consumed too much caffeine and is experiencing some unpleasant side effects. He even opens his mouth to ask but an employee approaches them and guides them towards a vacant table. They're given menus and a server then brings them some water.
"Your son Taeyoung is a funny kid. He said hi to me from the opposite side of the cafeteria. He eats a lot. He doesn't seem to be ashamed of it. He's always hanging out with this kid. I think his name is Jordan? I can't remember. I'm bad at remembering names," Taehyung suddenly says. He's talking quite fast and his speech seems quite disorganised but Seokjin manages to make out the words and understand what's being said.
Seokjin bites his lower lip and scans the menu. He's trying to avoid conversation because it always gets awkward if they speak of topics unrelated to school or work. Mr Kim just doesn't know how to hold a conversation.
"My fiancé considers you a good friend of hers. I'm glad she's found a friend in you," Taehyung says.
"She's a great person. I consider her a close friend, too," Seokjin says.
Taehyung hums. "I agree; she's a wonderful woman. She deserves a man who's equally as wonderful as her."
Seokjin mentally agrees but remains silent. Kriti deserves an amazing man but she's clearly not looking for one so she shouldn't be pressured into finding one.
"You're not going to ask why I said that?" Taehyung asks.
"I don't think your affairs concern me, sir."
Taehyung's silent for a while but eventually speaks again. "A relationship based on mutual benefits is bound to end, especially if one party stops receiving those benefits one day. I think, now that I've hired you, she's useless to me."
Seokjin frowns, upset by that. "That's a bit harsh, don't you think? She may be useless to you but she really cares about you," he says. Calling someone useless is not nice at all—especially if that someone genuinely cares for you.
"She cares too much. It's annoying," Taehyung states.
Seokjin doesn't bother arguing because talking to Mr Kim is like talking to a wall.
"You don't seem to be surprised by the fact that she and I aren't 'in love'. Did she already tell you or are we that bad at acting? I've always been interested in acting but I've never tried it out. I think I'd be quite good at it, though," Taehyung says, and flashes his boxy grin.
Seokjin puts the menu down. "Are you the kind of guy who goes around sleeping with other people because you can't commit to a good person?"
Taehyung blankly stares at Seokjin for a few seconds before he bursts out laughing. What takes Seokjin by surprise is that it's not even a fake laugh. It's a real, genuine laugh.
"Y—You think I sleep around?" Taehyung breathes out and cracks up again. "Oh, lord! Heterosexuals and their minds."
Seokjin frowns. "Don't assume my sexuality."
"Then don't assume mine," Taehyung snaps, irritated. "I don't sleep around because I'm asexual. Has that ever occurred to you? No, I don't think so."
"Oh..." Seokjin whispers, quite embarrassed from making assumptions. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed."
"Yeah. You shouldn't have," Taehyung mumbles. He looks back at the menu so Seokjin decides to do the same.
The server soon returns with a pen and notepad. "Are you two gentlemen ready to order?" they ask.
"Yes," Taehyung says, and clears his throat. "I would like whatever he's having plus a glass of your strongest wine, please."
"And what would you like, sir?" the server asks, looking at Seokjin.
"U—Umm... Just two garlic butter and herb steaks with potatoes, please. One for each of us," Seokjin says politely.
"Any drinks?"
"No thank you."
The server soon heads off to put the order through and grab the wine.
"You should order some wine," Taehyung says.
"I don't drink," Seokjin says, and mentally adds 'anymore'.
"Really? How come?" Taehyung asks out of curiosity.
"I don't like it."
Taehyung just hums in response and leans back slightly in his seat with his arms folded. He has an intense gaze on Seokjin which has Seokjin looking around to avoid eye contact. Taehyung's gaze can be quite intimidating and overwhelming because of its intensity.
"Your sons have taken a lot from you," Taehyung says, observing every detail of Seokjin's face. "They look exactly like you; especially your youngest one. They act like you as well."
"They've spent most of their lives with me," Seokjin says.
"I could tell. They're carbon copies of you. I like the colour of carbon. Black is my favourite colour. I know lots of people don't think it's a colour but I love it. I have lots of black clothes at home. You might think I'm always prepared for a funeral. I don't think I've ever been to a funeral before, though," Taehyung says and laughs to himself, making Seokjin shrink in his seat from discomfort.
The server soon brings a glass of wine and Taehyung thanks them. Taehyung reaches for the wine and he even puts his hand around the glass but he doesn't pick it up. He just sits there—staring at it. He stares at it for a long time.
He contemplates. He's asking himself if he should drink it. He wants to, but should he? He knows he shouldn't. It's bad for him. It's a depressant. He's in a good mood and if he drinks this, it's going to screw him up. He feels like he's on top of the world right now and even a sip of this poison could make everything come crashing down the next morning.
His hand is trembling and his breathing is heavy. His heart is beating so fast and loud that he can hear it. It's like there are drums right next to his ears.
"Sir?"
Taehyung doesn't respond because all he can hear is his eardrums. He's desperate to get a taste of the wine because his body is craving it. He needs to drink it... He can't resist... He needs this... He needs it... He has to drink it...
"Hey," Seokjin says softly, and gently places a hand on top of Mr Kim's shaky one.
Taehyung's body jerks at the sudden touch and he accidentally tips the glass of wine over as he withdraws his hand. He looks scared for a moment but he immediately relaxes when he meets Seokjin's concerned eyes. He has the tendency to forget his surroundings when he's having these thoughts during an episode like this.
Taehyung clears his throat and acts cool and composed as he asks, "Yes?"
"Are you—Are you okay?" Seokjin asks with hesitance and concern.
"Of course I'm okay," Taehyung says, and grins. He calls over a server to get the wine cleaned up.
"Would you like a new one?" the server asks while cleaning up.
"Please," Taehyung says without thinking twice.
Taehyung pays for the mess before the server leaves to bring another glass. He's bouncing his knee under the table and his heart is still racing like the thoughts in his head. There's so much he wants to do and so much he wants to say.
"Here you go," the server says as they bring another glass of wine.
"Thanks," Taehyung says, and doesn't hesitate to drink it like his life depends on it.
Seokjin presses his lips into a thine line and looks down at the table. He's not one to jump to conclusions but he sensed the internal conflict that Mr Kim was having for the fewest of seconds. It wasn't a battle between 'to drink' and 'to not drink', but more between 'I shouldn't drink' and 'I need to drink'. It's something that is beyond a person's control.
He can recognise it because he went through it himself.
"Mr Kim, can I... can I ask you a question?" Seokjin asks, feeling a little tense.
"You just did," Taehyung jokes, and giggles a little.
Seokjin flashes a small smile with a hint of awkwardness behind it.
"I'm kidding. Go ahead," Taehyung says.
Seokjin shifts slightly in his seat before he asks his question. "Why did you plan this dinner?" he asks.
"Didn't I say—" Taehyung suddenly stops for a moment because he can't remember. "It doesn't matter. Let's just talk. We can talk about ourselves."
"Okay..."
Taehyung raises a brow, as if asking Seokjin what's up, and Seokjin just shakes his head dismissively.
"If there's something you want to say, just say it," Taehyung says and randomly starts singing as he goes, "Everybody says 'say something'
Say something, say something
Then say something, say something, then say something.."
Seokjin blinks a few times and pretends as if Mr Kim didn't just start singing out of nowhere.
Seokjin wants to ask what happened between Mr Kim and his brother but this relationship isn't up to that level yet. They barely share an acquaintanceship and you usually need to develop a rather strong friendship before you disclose very personal stories and experiences. Seokjin will have to start with the basics and it's up to Mr Kim on how much information he'd like to share.
"I don't have anything to say but if you want to talk, I have some questions I'd like to ask to get to know you better," Seokjin says.
"By all means."
Seokjin feels like he's been hesitating a lot this whole night and he doesn't know if it'll end soon but he eventually asks a question which shouldn't be too personal. "What was your brother like?"
There's a slight shift in Taehyung's demeanour but he recovers quickly. "I'd rather not talk about him," he says, voice quite harsh. There's bitterness and hostility in his tone but there's also something else: hurt.
"Then... What about your parents? Do they live here, or...?" Seokjin asks, slightly changing the topic.
"They live in Korea. My brother's in England. He's a doctor."
At least they're making some progress, and it seems like Taehyung can't help but to talk about his brother despite refusing to do so.
"What kind of doctor is your brother?" Seokjin asks.
"GP. He did his undergrad here and training in England. He met this girl at the hospital he was training at and they got married after a year but I couldn't make it to their wedding because I had more important things to do. I've never even met that bitch and I don't want to either."
Seokjin purses his lips and awkwardly shifts a little in his seat. He's not jumping to conclusions but he thinks that the fallout between these two brothers must have had something to do with Mr Kim's sister-in-law. Specifically, he thinks that Mr Kim and the sister-in-law didn't get along so that damaged Mr Kim's relationship with his brother and they parted ways. It's quite obvious that Mr Kim is still holding a grudge.
"How did your brother feel about you not showing up to his wedding?" Seokjin asks.
Taehyung snorts, "I don't know. He probably didn't even give two shιts. He never cared about me anyway."
"I'm sure he cared about you. He's still your brother," Seokjin says softly.
"You don't know him," Taehyung mumbles, and finishes the drink.
Seokjin keeps his lips sealed and he's relieved when the food finally arrives. They sit and eat in silence but Taehyung is humming a random tune while eating. He suddenly starts singing quietly and Seokjin glances around to make sure no one's watching or paying attention to them. Taehyung later asks for another drink but this time he gets something a little stronger.
"Sir, can I ask you a question?" Seokjin asks.
"Hmm?"
Seokjin bites his lower lip nervously for a few seconds before he asks. "Did something happen today? You're in a good mood," he says.
"Does something always need to happen for someone to be in a good mood?"
"No, of course not! I just—"
"Then don't ask dumb questions."
The rest of the dinner goes by in an awkward silence but with Taehyung constantly mumbling to himself or humming a random song. Seokjin is more than relieved when they finally leave but he's looking forward to getting home and being with his sons. Mr Kim is oddly happy and it's worrying Seokjin. Is this supposed to be some kind of calm before a storm?
They walk outside and Taehyung requests an Uber through the app as he paces in front of the restaurant. Seokjin is standing there and hugging himself to keep himself warm but his gaze is locked on Mr Kim's pacing figure. He can hear Mr Kim mumbling and he's tempted to ask if everything's okay but he's quite scared because Mr Kim is a little snappy today despite being in a rather unusually good mood. At the same time, he can't just stand and watch.
"Sir?" Seokjin eventually says as he slowly approaches Mr Kim.
Taehyung is still pacing and mumbling to himself. It's like his thoughts are louder than everything going on around him because he doesn't hear Seokjin's voice.
"Mr Kim," Seokjin says, placing a hand on Taehyung's shoulder.
Taehyung suddenly freezes and spins around to face the source. He's startled because he completely forgot about Seokjin's presence. That touch on the shoulder stops his pacing but he's still quite fidgety. He's restless, but otherwise he's okay. He thinks he's okay.
"Is everything okay?" Seokjin asks, voice soft.
Taehyung looks at Seokjin's hand that's still resting on his shoulder. Seokjin quickly withdraws his hand when he realises this. Seokjin then takes a small step back to leave some space between himself and Mr Kim because he doesn't want to appear as if he's violating Mr Kim's personal space.
"Are you feeling okay?" Seokjin asks again, keeping his arms by his sides.
"Never been better," Taehyung says, and gives a big smile. He suddenly takes his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it. "Do you wanna see a picture of my brother?" he asks.
Taehyung doesn't even let Seokjin answer as he opens the album with all of Baekhyun's photos. He taps on the most recent photo which is from over eight years ago. He then shows it to Seokjin.
"Byun Baekhyun," Taehyung says, his voice barely audible.
Seokjin looks at the picture. Mr Kim is standing beside his brother and they both look very young—most likely in their teenage years. Seokjin can definitely see a strong resemblance between the two as they are in the picture but it appears that growth and maturation weakened that resemblance. Now you wouldn't be able to tell they're brothers unless you look closely. After all, they do have different surnames so Seokjin presumes they're half-brothers. Whatever it is, they definitely inherited the good genes.
"Do you miss him?" Seokjin asks, voice soft, as he looks at Mr Kim.
Taehyung gives a small nod in response as he gazes at the picture. His shaky fingers absentmindedly hover over the screen and he just wants to shove his hand inside and pull his brother out. Seokjin feels a burn in his chest and he gently takes Taehyung's hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze as a sign of reassurance that everything will be okay. Seokjin may not have a sibling of his own but losing someone close to you, whether it's by death or by distance, is very painful. He'd know because he lost his dad who was like his best friend. His dad is very much alive, but his whereabouts are a mystery.
Taehyung is startled when he feels his hand being squeezed. He was so lost in his thoughts that he was unresponsive to a mere touch of the hand. His heart is beating really fast because this is so foreign to him but it gives him this strange kind of warmth as well. However, he quickly withdraws his hand from Seokjin's and clears his throat before he shoves his phone back in his pocket.
Seokjin pulls his lower lip in between his teeth and hugs himself again. There's a bit of awkwardness between him and Mr Kim but thankfully the uber arrives sooner than later. Taehyung starts mumbling to himself again but this time it sounds like he's having a conversation with an imaginary person. Seokjin doesn't know what to do so he keeps quiet.
This was a really weird night but Taehyung opened up, even if it was just slightly. One thing Seokjin has learned from this dinner is that Taehyung just needs someone to talk to. Taehyung is broken inside and he needs someone to help him put the pieces back together. That's what Seokjin thinks, but it's much more complicated than that.
Upon arriving home, Seokjin immediately goes into the shower and changes into his pyjamas. Taehyung does the same. After getting changed, Seokjin gives the quiet house a quick clean. Taehyung does the same but he cleans only his bedroom and plays loud music while doing so. After cleaning, Seokjin sets his alarms for tomorrow and gets in bed with Taeyoung who's fast asleep. Taehyung, on the other hand, grabs a bottle of alcohol and heads into his art shed in the backyard.
Taehyung very rarely comes in here. He used to be so passionate about painting and he's sure he still is deep down but his motivation comes and go. Sometimes he wants to paint many different things in a few minutes but other times he doesn't even have the energy to leave his bed. And he hates it. He really fυcking hates it. He wishes his life was different.
**
it's really difficult writing about a person's experience with a mental illness especially if you've never experienced it yourself so i had to do extra research but everyone has different experiences with the same MI so i hope i'm doing an okay job at presenting tae's illness (which will be revealed later on) in this fic
also, for those of who you who don't know what asexuality is, i've attached a picture below which should give u an idea👇🏽