Tears streamed down my cheeks as I struggled to continue speaking. "If that night were the night I was going to die, I wouldn't mind if I could die in your arms. But you pushed me away. You took the only thing that made me want to be alive, and I can never forgive you for that, no matter how much it hurts. You shattered my trust.""I really wanted to protect you.""Why don't you understand, James? I didn't want safety. I loved danger. I thrived on the risk and the rush of adrenaline.""You would have—" I finally broke eye contact when I saw tears in his eyes."What? What are you trying to—""Nat... Natalia—" His voice broke, and my heart ached at the sight of him in such pain."James... My heart wants to embrace you tightly, but my mind reminds me you weren't there to hold me." I bit my lip to keep from sobbing when a single tear rolled down his cheek."Do you know why I did it? Do you really want to know why I went to Clint that night to strike a deal with him to take you away? Do you honestly believe that would make you feel any better?""Yes! That's all I've wanted to know for years!""Natalia, I... I need to know you're alive.""But I wanted to die alongside you!"Then he lowered his head and clenched his fists. After a few moments, he managed to compose himself enough to utter the next words to me."I was ordered to shoot you in the head after a mission is over!" I froze. I think I stopped breathing. I was more shocked than I'd ever been in my life. He looked down again."Did... did... the KGB give you those orders?" It took me a while to find my voice. Instead of answering, he simply nodded."The Red Room was already preparing new recruits, and the KGB, along with Hydra, agreed that you knew too much, that you asked too many questions. They weren't pleased with the impact you had on me either, and they understood that you were the one who shattered my programming repeatedly.""Madam B warned me before I stopped working with you. She said, 'He is one of a kind, but you're one of many and can be easily replaced.'" I stopped crying. I stood there motionless. I had known that my work with the KGB was just a small part of a larger puzzle. But I never knew they intended to eliminate me so swiftly, and the worst part... through him."I'm so sorry, Talia..." He didn't even dare to look at me anymore, as if he thought it was his fault, which it wasn't."You could have told me, though." My face remained expressionless. It was mind-boggling to think that people who had smiled to my face and praised me as a treasure wanted me dead, and by the hands of the only man I had ever cared for. And that still hurt."You wouldn't have left even if I had.""No, you're right, I wouldn't have. But you didn't give me a choice.""I thought it would be easier for you to hate me for it, so you wouldn't come back looking for me. That way, they couldn't get to you. Because if they did... you and I both know they would find a way to force me to do it, one way or another."Then, I would choose to die." I finally met his gaze, but he only managed a sad smile that he seemed to be pulling from the tears in his eyes. And it hurt me so much."Death is the easy way out. But I'd have to live with that, and I'd never be able to forgive myself. Nat, you were my reason for living. I can't even count how many times I was prepared to put a bullet through my brain, but you were my reason to keep going."James..." I felt completely numb; all the anger I'd held against him for so many years just evaporated as if it had never existed. Everything suddenly made so much more sense, and I wished I had let him explain sooner. I felt a sense of relief, as if a massive weight had been lifted from my chest. For the first time in years, I was finally able to take a deep breath. "I'm sorry for many things, but I'll never apologize for loving you too much..." That was it; I broke. The remaining fragments of the walls I had built around me shattered into dust."James, please don't," I quietly begged."I loved you... I still do, and I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I do love you, Natalia. I never stopped, and now I know for sure I never will." And just like that, I collapsed into him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat, in sync with mine. He was utterly calm as he also embraced me and kissed the top of my head."Never let me go again," I whispered."I don't plan to, as long as you stop pushing me away.""I might actually consider it now." I chuckled softly, still holding him tightly.We stayed like that for much longer than necessary, but neither of us seemed eager to break the embrace. I felt safe, comfortable, and oddly vulnerable—something I hadn't experienced in so long."You know, now I think I get your unusual nickname." I giggled, my face still buried in his chest."We're sort of making peace here, but go ahead and tease me.""It's not teasing; I think it just makes sense. Bucky as a Bucky Bear, since you give amazing hugs." I smiled proudly, pleased with myself, as he burst into genuine laughter.I loved his laugh; I didn't think I had ever heard it before."I love your explanation. Does that mean you'll call me Bucky now?""Absolutely not; it still sounds silly." I giggled, and he kissed the top of my head again. "What if we sit down? You exhausted me during training today. But can we continue with these Bucky Bear hugs?" I lifted my head to look at him, and he simply nodded, a smile on his face.
***
We settled comfortably in his room, as it was closer than mine. We sat on his bed and embraced each other in silence, which lasted for hours.There was no movement. No conversation. I rested my head on his chest, my hands holding onto him tightly, and I stared at the empty grey wall. For once, my mind was empty too, devoid of any thoughts. I was simply relishing the moment.However, the loud voices from the living room caught my attention, indicating that my teammates had returned. I shifted slightly. I didn't want to let go of him, but the risk of being discovered was unsettling. On the other hand, I also didn't want someone to barge in unexpectedly, knowing they would have questions I couldn't answer."You okay?" His voice was hushed, but I could sense his heart racing. We both seemed to understand the same dilemma."I need to go," I whispered, my grip on him tightening slightly, but I made no move to get up."You don't have to.""Yes, I do." With a deep breath, I held onto the sensation of his touch for a moment longer, then reluctantly let go. I stood up and walked to the door, leaving without looking back, even though every part of me wanted to.I heard him rise as I paused with my hand on the doorknob."Nat..." His voice was filled with a mixture of comfort and longing, testing my resolve not to turn back.I managed to open the door and stepped right into Steve, who was about to knock. He seemed taken aback to find me in his best friend's room."Natasha?" Surprise was evident in his voice."Steve." I attempted a smile, though it didn't quite reach my eyes."Steve, please, don't." James attempted to intervene, but the old-fashioned super soldier's mindset couldn't grasp the situation."I thought you two didn't get along?""Well... We were trying to make peace here, and you've walked in at a very awkward time." James shot him a stern glare that was beyond my comprehension."Oh. Oh, I can leave then." Steve mumbled, clearly uncomfortable."No, it's fine, Steve. I was leaving anyway." I gave him a weak smile, then exited the room, allowing him to enter. But just before fully leaving, I glanced back at James. "Things make much more sense now, and I probably should thank you for telling me, but don't think you're forgiven, Barnes." I could see a mixture of sadness in his eyes and utter confusion on Steve's face, but I disregarded them both. I spun on my heel and walked away, leaving both men in a state of bewilderment.Was I still angry at James? Absolutely. Did I understand his reasons? Yes, I did. I had no idea how I would have reacted if I were in his shoes. There was no chance for either of us to escape; we'd always known that might never be an option. However, I hadn't completely given up hope.I understood what he meant about the wound making him kill me. If he hadn't pushed me away that night, they would have seen he cared about me, and they'd punish him again, likely in front of me, as they had done once before when they suspected our growing closeness.After every reprogramming session, it took me a while to bring him back to himself. Straight out of that chair, he'd put a bullet through my brain without hesitation. And he was right; I'd be dead and wouldn't feel a thing, while he'd have to carry that memory. I got it, but I also couldn't forget the pain of losing him so deeply and easily.
***
The rest of the day was spent on the sofa with Wanda, watching TV and indulging in junk food. I enjoyed Wanda's company; I often preferred being around people, even if I didn't feel like talking. She was one of the few who understood my need for silence.We went to bed quite late that night, and despite my fatigue, I still struggled to fall asleep, only to be plagued by my recurring nightmares.Over the next couple of days, I deliberately kept my distance from everyone, citing the need for some personal time. On one of my typical episodes of staring blankly at the wall for hours, a knock on my door startled me, pulling me out of my daydreaming."Natasha, open the door." Steve's strong and confident voice called from the other side."Go away, Steve.""Natasha, we need to talk.""Leave me alone.""Nat, open the door, or I'll have to break in." I sighed, giving in to his persistence, and got up to open the door."Say what you want and then go away." I only peeked my head out the door, but Steve wasn't easily deterred. He pushed the door open, and before I knew it, he was walking into my room."Rude," I muttered, retreating to my bed and covering myself with the blankets. I felt the mattress dip as he sat down next to me."Natasha, please talk to me. What's going on? You've been holed up in here for days, and it's seriously starting to worry me.""I don't want to talk.""Nat, you know you can trust me. I thought I'd proven myself worthy of your trust.""It's not that simple, so just go away, Rogers.""I figured this might have something to do with what happened between you and Bucky, so I asked him.""Great, bother him. I'm sure he's more chatty than me.""Not really. He doesn't reveal much. He said I should ask you because it's not his place to share and that you have the bigger picture, while he only catches some details.""How convenient." I rolled my eyes again, growing annoyed at how easily he brushed off the conversation."I knew you'd be the tough nut to crack, so I reached out to Clint.""Unbelievable. You tried every option before coming to me.""Believe me, you were the last resort." Suppressing a chuckle, I admired Rogers' attempt at drama. His acting skills had improved, although he was still far from being convincing. Still, I had to give him credit for trying."Thanks...""Clint pretty much echoed what Bucky said and added that you never really confided in him.""See, Rogers, you're not that special. I don't trust anyone.""Nat, we've been through a lot, especially in the past few years. I thought you were beginning to open up, and we were discussing some personal matters. What I'm trying to say is, Natasha, just let it out. It may not seem like it now, but you'll feel better.""Steve, I can't. I don't want to talk about it.""But Nat...""How do you not understand? I don't want to admit that I've been lying to you! After everything you've done for me, I've been lying about your best friend!" My emotions took over, and I shouted, my frustrations getting the best of me."I kind of figured that out now... I just want to understand why. If you really trust me, I believe I deserve an explanation.""Well, maybe it won't be the explanation you want to hear.""Natasha, I read your file that you posted on the internet when we exposed all the Hydra and SHIELD secrets. It mentioned that you occasionally had a partner in the KGB, but it never revealed who.""No, it didn't, because the Winter Soldier was never supposed to be mentioned in any files or mission reports. He was a ghost story, and Russian intelligence wanted to keep it that way." I finally blurted it out, knowing Steve wouldn't let it go."So Odessa wasn't the first time you met?""No." I shook my head and finally mustered the courage to look at Steve. "Are you sure you want me to continue? It won't get any prettier.""Yes, keep talking. Don't leave anything out.""Well, I first encountered the Winter Soldier when I was 9. It was at the Red Room. I've told you a little about it before. I was raised there.""Yeah, I remember.""I wasn't particularly skilled in the beginning. I was small and skinny, which didn't make me a strong fighter. Nevertheless, I did my best not just to survive, but to please my father.""Wait. What? Didn't you say your parents were dead?""They are. My mother died giving birth to me, and my father hated me from the moment I was born. He blamed me for taking the love of his life away from him. He despised me so much that he handed me over to the Red Room, thinking I might be useful in some way. Let's just say he wasn't pleased to learn that I wasn't performing well. He would visit the Red Room in the course of his work. I'm not entirely sure what he did, but I think he was associated with Hydra, given that he brought the Winter Soldier along.""So your father...""He was his handler at the time, yes. I had never seen him before, but I had heard many stories about him. In the Red Room, he was a hero, but all the girls were terrified of him. He was there to train the older girls who were preparing for their final assessment... or rather, he was the assessment. It was straightforward: you had to bring him down before he killed you. Few survived. For years, not a single girl came out alive.""Dear God.""Still want me to continue? It's not going to get any better.""Yes. Please, keep going. What happened to your father?""As I said, he wasn't impressed with me. When my father was unhappy, he'd take out his frustrations on those he thought were responsible... And that included me. He beat me mercilessly because I hesitated to kill a girl I was pitted against. When he grew tired of hitting me, he had the Soldier do it for him." A wave of melancholy washed over me as I recounted those horrifying memories."Oh my God, Natasha... Did he?""No, he didn't..."
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-Eva🖤