You are the only one that understand (Bucky & Natasha)

Part 18

Today
***

"Natasha?" I blink a few times realising Steve is waving his hand in front of me. I just zone out.
"Sorry, I was thinking." Smirk, but it wasn't selling with Steve as he looked at me worried.
"We landed." He simply said, but I don't miss a pity in his voice.
"Oh, " Is all I managed to say before jumping on my feet.

"Maybe you want to sit this one down?"
"Naa, I rather shoot some bad guys and imagine it's Barnes." Steve only lowers his head and shakes it in disapproval, but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't say anything anymore.
There isn't much to say. I have been back on a team for nearly a month, and I find myself zoning out all the time.

I was thinking about why he left me again, why he wanted to do this alone?  Was I that big of distraction? Where is he now? Why doesn't he come back? Did he find something in the file?
I will be lying if I say I didn't see where his decision came from.
I was careless, and he warned me before. He told me he would cut me off if, by any chance, I put my life in danger.

But like always I don't listen to the warnings. I refuse to let him be in charge even though I want to rely on him at every step entirely.
It's been so easy to go back at this. Way more comfortable than I imagine. I used always to take his lead and just enjoy the crazy ride he offers, but this time was different. Stakes were too high, and I messed up too many times.

Is he mad I didn't wait for him? That would be stupid. He knows me better. I never wait for a man.
Did he upset that before the argument we ran in my old fling? I know he wasn't happy, but I thought we solved the issue of trust when he put a ring on my finger.

I pull a small chain from under my shirt and rub the silver ring around my finger.
We were supposed to try this time. Things have never been better between us.
I even smiled at the cheesy moment we shared at the cliff or the ocean, and he made me spill a few happy tears.
"Nat?" My eyes snapped open when notice Sam looked at me. "Darling if you ready for commitment, let's just go with it." He nods to the ring and puts on his usual smirk. I know he only tries to cheer me up.

I pretend to laugh at Sam teasing because no comeback comes in my mind. I'm millions of miles away, and it's evident to everyone around.
Ignoring the look from Steve and Wanda, I am the first one out of the quintet.
"Let's fucking do this," I tell myself before getting in my position.

***

Mission didn't cost to much trouble. I was so frustrated it was lovely to let my anger out on someone who deserves it.
But now I'm so ready to have my time as I walk in my room for the night. It's tiny, but I don't mind. At least I have it to my own.

I close doors behind me and release a breath. A shower sounds like a good idea.
I take off my jacket and suddenly shiver runs down my spine. I grab my gun from leg strep and turn around ready to shoot till my arm hits something hard. My grip on the weapon loosens up enough to let my opponent use another hand to reach for a gun handler so quickly and spin it around the fingers turning it right at me in a matter of seconds.

"Miss me that much?" I wouldn't mistake his dark figure and piercing blue eyes anywhere. Not even in a pick black darkness of a room, but his moves give him away quicker than anything else.
"Enough to shoot you in a leg."

"That's cute." He smiles brightly, and I reach for another gun only realise it's already in his hand.
I want to scream, but I don't want to alarm Steve that it's right next door from me. So I do the next best thing that I've wanted to do for months now. I slap him. Hard.

So hard my hand aches but I'm too angry to care.
"Ouch." He rubs his cheek slowly, turning his head back to me. But stupid smirk is still on his handsome face.
"You fucking asshole. What the hell are you doing here? Do you think you just come here with your stupid smile and cute fucking face and everything is forgiven? Where the fuck did you been all this time? You better not be crawling back for forgiveness? I come back first. Steve most definitely will forgive you because he would die for you, but if you back; I'm out. You bring the worst of me. We can't work together, or it will end up with another disaster." I ramble trying my best not to shout but stop when I notice him laughing.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I look at him in shock, and he just shakes his head, trying to stop himself from laughing.
"You're cute when you pretend to be mad."
"Excuse you! Who you think you are?" I raise my tone showing my anger, but he chuckles again.
"Oh, just shut up." He curls his hand around my neck and pulls me the closing distance between us with a kiss.

Who I'm kidding? Of course, I kiss him back sucking the life out of him that he took when he left.
I wrap my hands around him and pull myself impossible close so that I can feel him just a little bit better. He slides his hands down my hips till it reaches my tights, and he lifts me. I wrap my legs around his waist, and he takes me in bed.

I miss him. Damn, I miss him, I miss this and the ways he makes me feel.

***

"Soo," I speak up first as my fingers play on his bare chest while we lay down wrapped up in sheets of a tiny single bed.
"So what?" He puts another hand that isn't protectively wrapped around me under his head. But his eyes set on the selling, avoiding my gaze.
"Are you going to answer at least one of my many questions?"

He inhales sharply and seems deep in thoughts for a few minutes before he speaks again.
"I found something in that file." I hold covers to my chest and sit up looking at him.
"James?" My voice broke, and tears instantly picked up in my eyes. "Don't..." Words get lost in my throat.
"I know. I know. KGB lovemaking false documents, but that's why I when after the doctor next." His face grows cold, and he still avoids looking at me, but even if it hurts, I want to know.

"Did.  Did the doctor-?"
"He confirmed. He took it and brought it to Edinburgh, that's where I just came back from." I grip my sheets tighter and bite my lip. Refuse to cry over the same tragedy that happened over 16 years ago, again.
"It had to be a lie. You know it's a lie, right? He must lie to you." I shake my head, and James also sits up, trying to pull me to him, but I refuse to push him away.

"Stop it." I hold my stretch arm to his chest. I don't believe anyone that ever worked in KGB.
It was already hard enough to go after all those people that made my life a living hell.
It was already challenging to relive a memory of my biggest mistake that still haunts me in my nightmare.
It was already hard to know James never managed to forget that night.

I didn't need this to rip me apart even more.
"They lie as easily as they breathe." I finally said, finding my voice again as I blink my tears.
"I know Talia, that's why I look at this myself. I knew chances are slim, but I had to know, so I spent months tracking every loose end."
"Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to me? James, it's not possible."

"Natalia, please listen to me." He gently rubs my back, but I do not have in it.
"No, no, I don't want to listen. I don't want to relive it again. Just stop. I know I made a mistake and that will eat me every day till the day I die, but stop remaining me. We took care of everyone that was involved, so now let's just close this book. "

"You are impossible. Why can't you just listen." He shakes his head angrily, and I slap his hand away.
"There is nothing else to hear. You told me yourself. The baby wasn't even crying! I killed it! I killed our baby!"
"Natalia can you just fucking listen for me, once! She is alive, and her name is Lily!"

_______
AN: who see that coming?
Please comment and vote, that's the best motivation to keep going.
-Dy🖤