You are the only one that understand (Bucky & Natasha)

Part 8

"I don't know about that. No one has hurt me as much as he did, and even though he finally explained himself the last time we talked, I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive him.""Did he tell you why he did it?""Yes, he did.""Besides clearly taking you out of an awful place and into something safe where you can have a new start?" He gave me a questioning look, and I rolled my eyes."Wow, you sound like him. But yes, it wasn't the only reason. Even though it's a weak argument to send me away like that when I proved to him many times that I'd rather die with him than leave him.""But there was more?""As I said, I knew less than I thought. KGB apparently got sick of me. I knew too much, which was true. I helped SHIELD a lot to shut them down; even Fury once admitted they wouldn't have done it without my information.""I thought KGB died with the Soviet Union?""Yeah, just like Hydra did with Red Skull? It was the same people even though they go by different names.""Oh, okay, gotcha.""When you use this slang, it's just weird, so please stop." I shook my head at Steve's attempt to be cool."Okay, sorry. I will. So you said KGB doesn't want you anymore?""James made a deal with Clint because he was really desperate to move. But it made so much more sense why he did it when he confessed that he was given orders to kill me after the mission was over.""Oh... my... God..." Steve's jaw dropped and didn't seem like it was going to close."That made me understand his actions better now. But yeah, that's it. The end. Now you know. We knew each other for years, and we were very close.""That is the craziest love story I have ever heard.""I don't know about love, but it's our story that didn't end well.""Well, it's not over yet... isn't it?""Yes, it is. It was done when he knocked me down.""But he saved your ass.""He broke my trust! And left me!" I raised my voice without even meaning to, but I guess this topic always makes me angry."He loved you so much that he would rather choose to lose you than let you get killed by him. He loved you too much. And I'm sure he still does. I'm guessing that's why he's been so miserable these last couple of days." Steve lowered his head again for a moment, looking at his feet before he spoke again."What do you mean?""You're not the only one who hasn't left her room.""Oh... Well... Well... Well, what should we do?! It was so long ago. After that, he managed to shoot me twice and nearly choked me in Berlin.""Yet you let us go to the airport.""I let YOU go, and he was just going with you.""Come on, Nat...""What, Rogers?! What do you suggest? He broke my heart years ago, and when I finally moved on, he is back again. I can't just pick up where we left off; it doesn't work that way.""No, I don't say pick up where you left off, but it's not too late to try it from the beginning: no more Hydra, Red Room, or KGB, just you two. You clearly still have something for each other, or maybe it's just unfinished business. Either way, you need to solve this, because it's clearly not letting either of you live your life.""I was doing just fine, but then he had to remember everything.""Nat, solve this. That's the Captain's orders. Do it soon though. We'll have to go on a field sooner than later, and I'm still trying to convince Bucky to come with us.""Oh, that's just fantastic." I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms on my chest like an unhappy child."This team will either move forward together, or you both will stay here until you're at least friends... Oh, and..." He gave James' dog tags back to me as he stood up. "You can give it back to him yourself." Steve didn't give me time to argue with him; he just left me alone in my room.

***

It took me a while to piece everything together in my own head. I told Steve many things, but I kept a lot of details to myself, just for me to remember. The truth is, I missed James, and now I understand better why he did what he did. He was completely right. I would still never have left him back then. However, a long time has passed, and I wasn't sure if my connection to James was still there. I spent a lot of time working with him, and he was the best supporter, my protector whenever he could be.But we grew to be different people. I learned to care for and even adore Winter Soldier, not just James. But he's not the same man I remember.Steve says he's not quite Bucky Barnes that he grew up with, but he's also not the Winter Soldier anymore. He's left stuck somewhere in the middle between the two, and I don't know that person anymore.Yes, he said he loved me, just as he did right before he knocked me down. But he just wasn't the same.Or maybe I didn't give him a chance to prove that he might be the best part of the man I once was ready to die for. What if the only difference is that he doesn't have to be scared anymore? What if he finally feels safe, that nobody's going to steal his memories? He doesn't have to be afraid they'll come after me if someone finds out how close we got.What if it's still my James... just free?

***

I couldn't sleep at night again, so I found myself in the kitchen making a cup of tea... but I made two.It was 2 am, and I knew only one person who wouldn't be asleep at this time.I stood by the door and felt my heart racing at a million miles per hour. Then the doors swung open, and I'm sure I stopped breathing for a minute while we both stood there, just looking at each other. I could see the confusion on his face, so I forced myself to speak first."You're right, I prefer tea." I extended one of the mugs toward him. But he looked even more confused. "Please take it. It's burning my hand." He was still tense, but I couldn't imagine myself being any better as he took the tea with his left hand."What are you doing here?" He finally spoke, his eyes locked on me."I'm not quite sure yet... I guess I...""Can't sleep?" His voice tone alone already helped me relax a bit, and now I knew I'd made a good decision by coming to him.I shook my head in response, and he nodded, opening the door wide to let me come in.We both sat down on opposite sides of his bed, finding ourselves in silence again. I was looking into the mug I was holding in my lap, trying to find the words of what I wanted to say but struggling. Then he spoke."You don't have to talk if you don't want to.""Recently, I've been having a lot of nightmares. Past demons that still haunt me today." I quickly blurted out and lifted my eyes to him, finding that familiar comfort in them."I know how that feels.""That's why you seem to have never been sleeping at night?""I'm still struggling with a lot of things. Sleep... and how comfortable my bed is, it's just one of many... It's comforting though to know that you're still battling with it. Makes me wonder if I will need the other 70 years to forget.""I don't think we'll ever really be able to fully forget all of it. But doing good helps, you know. Makes you feel less like a monster and more human. It stops the nightmares, at least for a bit.""Did Steve send you?" He raised his eyebrows, and it made me smile."No, but he might have mentioned that he's trying to convince you. I mean, no pressure really, but you should at least try. It helped me when I was at my lowest point. I did one thing I was good at. I worked, just a big difference was that I worked for the good guys. Or at least I thought so.""I'm not saying never, but I'm not sure I can still do it. I'm tired of war. No matter which side I'm on. I've done both and I think I'm done.""Sure, it's totally up to you. I mean, what the heck, Steve even knows he spent most of this century in the ice." We both smiled."I'm sorry for what I said. You did great for yourself, Nat. You're not a monster and you shouldn't be thinking otherwise. You're a hero now.""I'm not a hero.""Yes, you are. You've already saved more people than you've killed.""I don't know... I've killed a lot.""Not as much as I have. And you've saved the whole planet at least a couple of times. You could run away and hide now. Rest somewhere instead. But you keep fighting, risking your life every day for what you believe is right.""I'm not quite Steve Rogers.""No, but you also know how to get up when you get knocked down and never give up. You are a hero. At least for me." He didn't once break eye contact, and I barely managed to hold back my tears. "Thank you." It sounded like a whisper, but I really tried my best not to start sobbing like a baby."Would you like a Bucky Bear hug?" I laughed through my tears as he stood up, putting his mug on the night table."Yes, I would like one now, please," I responded as he walked up to me and took my mug away, doing the same as he did with his.He knelt next to the bed in front of me and opened his arms.I didn't need to be asked again. I threw myself at him and held him tight, his arms locking me in his embrace.I cried without stopping, what felt like hours. Somehow, James ended up sitting on the floor while my small figure curled up on his lap, my head on his chest."No one will understand me better than you do." I broke the comfortable silence."True, but it's only because we got through it together. No one else was there. Nobody else saw it from up close. Even though I wish you never had to go through all of that horror, Nat. I couldn't stop it. But I'm always here if you need me now." He placed a soft kiss on my hair, and I smiled, looking up at him."You're allowed to call me Natalia. But only you. And please, don't let that slip in front of others. If Wilson calls me that even once, I'll end both our lives. Do you understand, Soldier?""Yes, ma'am." I rolled my eyes as a smirk appeared on his face."Ma'am? Please, that's so official and makes me feel old. And I'm certainly not as old as you, sir." We both laughed, and I hugged him tightly again. "I miss you, James. I miss feeling safe with you.""Me too, Natalia, me too.""By the way, about what you said the other day..." My memory was drawn back to those three words he had only told me once before."You don't need to say anything. I probably shouldn't have said it."

"Did you... Did you still feel that way?"

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-Eva 🖤