━━━━━━━━━━━━
"JAY?"
"HM?"
"BEING A GUY...?"
"Mm-hm?"
"It sucks." She shifted on the bleacher to face him. "I don't like it and coach Taekwoon? Hojung ... Fountainview? They can suck it."
Jaehyun laughed softly; definitely with satisfaction. "So, let me get one thing straight. All it took was a double date, a faux concupiscent best friend claiming to be attracted to you, a little pre-foreplay feat Yuta and Jisoo, and a tiny green monster to get you to see that?" Eun Ra huffed in retort. "Huh. If I knew it'd be that easy I might've tried it a lot sooner."
"Not helping."
"Dont be like that. Lighten up that sensitive ass, would you? Picking on you gives me that egg-on I need to proffer some useful shit, because like it or not, you're one of the most uphill stripes known to man. Those far-out kinds that don't know when to take a break."
She grinned. "Well, I aim to please. But..."
"But?"
"You're right."
"You sound surprised."
"I do like Yuta. Maybe a little over the like bar? I don't know, but yeah, I'm 'in like' with him, I guess. How does that work?"
He had no idea.
Jaehyun shook his head. If he had been in the mood for truth bluffs, he might have told her he wasn't in the right state of mind to withstand her bellyaches. But she needed advice, honest-to-goodness advice he was the only soul capable of giving. Not because he was the also the only living thing within a fifty-mile reach au courant with her little secret, instead because he could—not to brag—and these days it seemed Eun Ra had accustomed herself to believing he did have it in the bag. Jaehyun wasn't so sure if it was because she was just desperate, but with the qualms that someone else or everyone all at once could find out eventually rising with her each waking day, it was up to him to keep her mind on track. Though he assumed no one could be that torpid (he counted himself an exception since he wasn't just anyone, he was Jung Jaehyun: incomparable to no one), yet he pondered over why he suddenly housed a perceivedness that she headed down that path.
If only she was less adamant.
"Eun Ra, it would never work. Get it into that thick skull o' yours." He had been satisfied with the fall of her expression, even if he wished he hadn't. Why lie when there was the truth?—idle, waiting, undreaded. "As long as you're seemingly content with having a twisted rendition of the best of both worlds, a happy-ending with Yuta is as promising as a net full of sand."
"Honestly, I don't know where you grasped the idea"—she had no idea where his wordings came from either—"that I'm content—seemingly content, you say—with any of this," Eun Ra said. "I miss being a girl more than anything."
"Then what's stopping you?"
Mumness. She couldn't speak.
"Tactless revenge is what. And sometimes, I don't know, it feels like you're chasing after something you were never really interested in, or you lost your zest along the way. Now you just wish to keep busy. And if I didn't know any better, I would say you're trying to prove something to your folks."
"What are you now? Dr. Phil?"
"Nah," he paused, smirked, continued, "call me Dr. Jay. I could make some cool dough out of this, couldn't I?"
"Uh-huh. There are thousands, millions even, interested in the cold hard truth," she retorted, her tongue sharp and icy.
"Aw, come on, RaRa, don't hate." Jaehyun squeezed her shoulder. "I say what I say because I care. Hard to believe, yes, but we can't deny how tight-knit we've become."
Eun Ra huffed because it was undeniably true. Of course we do. "You have so much faith in yourself."
"Gotta admit it, bro, I don't appreciate Jay stealing you from me."
Just last weekend Lee Taeyong had been absent, bonding with his brother at Jeju, hair as white and animating as Christmas morning. Now he approached and it took approximately thirteen seconds to realise he'd done away with the pallid shade. No doubt, he missed all the weekend drama, but Ten most likely had him up-to-the-minute. And yes, it was really good to see him—she did miss him and he was right. They grew apart, ever since Jaehyun forced his way into the picture (unavoidable to have shut him out, in any case). Taeyong had been the first to consider her without succumbing to a second thought, however if she'd been one for pointing fingers, it would stop on Yuta: why they drifted. The first fruits should always be cherished, she would say. Right this minute, Taeyong did ring with a lot of truth, however it was going to be darn hard getting used to a brunette version.
Guess everything does need that much deserved break, she thought, even the hair on our heads.
Thanks to secrets becoming an unwonted revelation for him, Jaehyun had stepped up to the plate. Again, she would say, "no regrets."
How could she? ... even if he could be so goddam annoying with his witticism.
"Hey, Tae." Eun Ra wanted a hug except she was long since plugged into the opposite sex's way of life to know it reached intense levels of awkward to indulge skinship. And there was an exception: when the situation was so dire. In no spirits for becoming the basis of their pointless mimics this blessed arvo, she fist bumped. "We should work on a handshake. That seems special enough."
"I agree."
"Hey, man," Jaehyun greeted. "How was Jeju. And Minhyung."
A relieved smile, Taeyong expressed. "Tee-bee-eigch, it was fun, but I really appreciate having him off my back for a while. I have no idea where he gets off with the idea that I don't care enough as a brother."
"He's probably right," Jaehyun said pointedly, even though the teasing sly smile couldn't be mistaken. "You're the one relieved to have him off your back."
"Don't try to ruin my image. Best big brother, it still stands."
"I've always wanted to go to Jeju on vacation," Eun Ra pitched in. "What's it like?"
"Like the brochures. Island Paradise and whatnot. It catches you off guard that, if you're not careful, you'll be lugged out a year later."
"Ah. My kinda place."
"We should so go there summer break," Taeyong suggested out of the blue. His smile had always been contagious and, as opposed to Jaehyun, it hardly screamed with ulterior intent. Most times. Point: none of these boys were hundred percent soul. "We've got a beach house over there. Wouldn't it be nice? Us five compadres together, soaking in that sun that I swear is totally different from the others."
Again, silence.
Both Eun Ra and Jaehyun looked between each other before, "dude, you do know there's only one sun, right?"
Taeyong rolled his eyes. "Of course, you idiots. I was trying to make a point. Three years running, I've scored higher in Geography, Jaehyun."
"Yeah, don't remind me."
"I swear it hurts to see that Jack Frost is no longer Jack Frost. What do you expect us to call you now, Tae?"
Eun Ra saw them approaching and would've spared Ten a good-natured grin if it didn't have the boy beside him thinking all was well when they weren't. Stuff were slightly strained for few hours and counting, except Yuta was in the dark. Again, there was that underlying urge to smack him and she realised it never died, her mind too preoccupied with him and Jisoo. They could have as well laughed straight in her face. No difference, she thought. Either way, Yuta had given her good reason to sob quietly into her pillow last night, once she had typed a Goodnight to Heechul.
"I thank the gods that I am not in your line of sight, bro," Ten voiced, shook his head, and shifted to Yuta. "If looks could kill, I would be shooting paint bombs at your grave."
"I did wrong, didn't I?" The Japanese boy asked. He flashed a sheepish smile while he had no idea why. Yesterday had been the best of nights for him though it hadn't ended as he would've wanted, but progress was progress and like Sicheng's father had taught him, it took time. "And that's when you know it was worth every struggle," he would say in broken Japanese because he wasn't good at it, yet he opinionated to think it was the best way to communicate with his nephew. "I'm sorry?"
Eun Ra huffed. She sat up. She crossed her arms and legs.
"So, my sister comes for a surprise visit last night and she sees us, the four of us, at The Den, on a double date, and you and Jisoo not keeping things PG. Who the hell does that?"
"Uh, I think that goes two ways." Yuta smirked knowingly. Eun Ra wondered if he could guess just how much of a dry-humored punch his insinuation packed. She realized he didn't. "I saw Jennie feeling you up. For a second, you would stop to think both girls were high on something."
Eun Ra had similar thoughts yesternight. A cake walk it was to put past Jennie at anytime because she was Jennie, but for people like Kim Jisoo, that was a cover up of sorts or the end product of some seriously shitty advice. For reasons foreign to her, she smelled Jennie all over, seeing as she couldn't place whichever angle she'd been coming from during the date. I'm yet to figure her out after all. Last night, Eun Ra hadn't seen the girl crushing on her brother; instead she saw one trying a little too hard to be who she wasn't.
Yup. Definitely Jennie.
"Well, she says she's done, though not officially, but I know my sister. Think it's a twin thing."
Yuta was curiously uncertain why he was bugged. "What do you mean she's done?"
"Knowing sis, she would most likely voice something along the line of, 'there is plenty fish in the sea, Yuta. You had your shot, but don't take it personal, yeah? I get the feeling it's what you want after all.'"
Pulling the guilt card felt like a good idea twenty seconds ago considering she already felt tuckered out trying to put her mind to work. But Jaehyun's glare was there, nevertheless, to assure her that either way was a big screw up on her part. She did make a bad one here and that was trying to undersell it. The first-class kind of mistake, he would've said in the audience of just the both of them. Why? Well of course he wanted to be the unidealistic son of a biscuit. Bumbling bookworm. If anything, nothing of a fecund nature was coming out of it.
And right now, where she saw a plan at faux reprimanding gone wrong, Yuta saw a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
Stinkingly blinding!
"And you're not mad?"
"Momentarily." She shrugged. "I'm not mad if she isn't."
"Well..." He trailed off. "I guess that's a good thing then."
Right?
• • •
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS up with you, Kim Doyoung, but whatever it is, it's wrong.
That was why he never had friends—Sungwoo consoled himself that way. Not that it posed much good. Sometimes he thought it wouldn't be so bad to have someone he could acquaint platonically around here. Just one. At home, there was mom, capable of putting up with his jeremiads: he vented, she listened, he weeped, she gave advices he never heeded to because of what they were bound to cost him. Mainly, his sanity. Of course, Sungwoo knew he wouldn't wish to end up a glorified high school hall monitor or dorm director and worse, for the rest of his life, yet one second was all it took to have a peek into the future. Scarily bleak.
He had no idea where to go from here.
His father believed he was some lost cause that never should've been birthed and already, he made plans to have Yejin, his younger sister, take over the family business someday. Not that he cared, heck, he only pretended to seeing as it seemed to give Kim Yonghoon some sense of ascendency, because the one he had as a father still wasn't enough for his greedy ass. It made Yonghoon feel happy which kept him in high spirits and that was always a good thing. In broader, fathomable terms, he was using him.
While his wife might've thought down a similar line, she elected a much cautious approach, deluding herself that she helped by keeping it from him. Being favourite and only son, Sungwoo knew she would be all too content with a forty-year-old him growing old in the same home he did now. It seemed to give her a cause to keep on living, kept her busy while her spouse two-timed.
He was Kim Sungwoo: tolerated by his father, cherished by his mother, but a disappointment to both. Sometimes it struck him baffled to see Yejin still looking up to him. A simple job as big brother and he sucked ass at it.
And the list just keeps on going.
These days, he devoted most of his time to fault-finding the new guy. The favoured one. He was Jisoo's latest eye candy, close friends with the likes of principal Jung's favourite nephew, and even principal Jung now seemed to be born yesterday. Loved by all, Kim Doyoung was yet to be hated by one and Sungwoo refused to call what he felt jealousy. Though he was—as green as a weed, he tried to be physically indifferent as one.
He sighed. In every sense of the word, it sucked to be friendless. Yes, friendless because people like Wooshin, the redhead playing Walking Dead on his phone, (unseriousness of this sort was just a turn off) across from him was merely an acquaintance. Sungwoo might've lost a ton of dignity over the years, yet he was sure it wasn't all of it, hence he wouldn't stoop low to force a relationship on someone who clearly didn't want one. Yes, that was his reason; not that he looked down upon every soul he's ever come across and he was supercilious. Both boys could spare transacting a handful of words because they were stuck with each other; from seven to two, they worked side by side. If Sungwoo didn't know better, he would've fallen for the suggestion that Wooshin did appreciate being an understudy, however, it wasn't the case. And just like every hotshot parading the high-flown cobblestone paths of Crystal Academy that trespassed a rule or the other, he got his fair share of comeuppance.
The Hans were well off to the extent where they could afford a vacation or two in a working year by a business-class flight and dine at high-end 5-star Michelins. Still there were limitations. Said limitations hadn't been enough to evade the trouble their youngest son had gotten himself into. Mr. and Mrs. Han, sparing all they could to stop him getting expelled, because no sane human desired an expulsion letter from Crystal Academy—cream papers, intricately gold lined envelope, and red ribbons that reminded someone of the bronze age. In the end, Wooshin was sentenced to hall duty till he graduated. It was a typical elite high school death sentence and he hated every second of it, Sungwoo knew that much.
Wooshin's unofficial boss spared him some, never bringing up the event, but instead pretended like both of them were truly the same. But God forbid Sungwoo pursues vouchsafing just to look good.
This too shall pass, he reminded himself on the daily.
"Heard Jisoo was off on a little double date yesterday," Wooshin started. To Sungwoo, he appeared as amused as he thought an antagonist, who hadn't yet made their true intentions known, would be. "You'll never guess with who."
Oh, that he already knew. He was there, witnessed every painstaking minute the two shared and for once, he found out he couldn't be bothered by Doyoung, who shared a seat with Jennie Kim. Present and seething and cursing. He decided to make every memory of last night bleary, for his sake, except Sungwoo could still vividly recall how he had wished misfortune upon more than one existence behind a menu. He wouldn't say what he did was spy on them; oblivious about whichever plans might've been made earlier that day amongst the quartet, he saw them walk through those french doors—it hurt. He began wishing he hadn't seen anything. That moment he visualized another version of Kim Jisoo: a stark contrariety of the girl everyone adored. His thoughts went bizarre, picturing her fingers clasped around a knife—a crooked dagger—in a vice grip, full of vile intent, there were teeth—barred and deadly; and claws—sharp and just as deadly. Then Savage Jisoo (what he had haphazardly christened her in his head) jumped him, stabbed his heart right out of his chest, turned and left. Of course, merely a twistedly believed abstraction he procured on the spot—surreal if he's ever seen one—yet what he felt was an appropriate definition of reality.
He left minutes later, though he never liked admitting that part for what took place afterwards. And it made him realize one of the reasons his dad couldn't stand him. But what the hell, right?
Beneath the eery darkness of the willow tree situated right across The Den, his full one-eight-one figure hidden and obscured, Sungwoo sobbed. He cried like he would back home, right in front of his mom. Only difference now, she wasn't within arms reach. Wiping across his lashes with a sleeve, someone stumbled out of The Den. Doyoung: floored and dumbfounded. He saw the boy rake a hand through his brown bowl-cut and groan, then he approached. Scared for his life, Sungwoo held his breath, releasing it when Doyoung's steps faltered and he pulled out his phone, dialed a number, brought the device to his ear and waited.
When he elected to speak, grazing the nape of his neck with his pinky in the process, and "Hey, Chullie. Please tell me I'm not losing my mind," he paused. Perhaps awaiting a response from whoever Chullie was. Yet what had tipped Sungwoo off: the epicene tone that reminded him of Yejin all of a sudden. And he had been around his sister long enough to know what he heard was not not wrong.
At all.
Something was off and if he wasn't so sure a month ago, at the bathroom when he confronted him—stupid bastard lucked out and had Jaehyun to back him up—the effeminacy of his voice right now was a certainty of something big.
He could just imagine the big pat on the back he would get from Principal Jung.
"C-Can we chat later?"
That was all and afterwards, he shuffled off in the opposite direction.
It gave Sungwoo enough comfort; the minutes that followed made him forget why his cheeks were tear-stained, until the idiot here reminded him. His teeth clamped together. "Yuta Nakamoto, I heard."
"Thought she hated his guts," he mused. Wooshin's brows met at the middle, waiting for Sungwoo to share his own thoughts.
Not as much as I hate yours, I doubt, he cerebrated. He shrugged and said, "well, you know what they say, people change."
"And you're not bothered by it?"
What Sungwoo thought he was bothered by was how someone like Wooshin knew he had a crush on Jisoo. But then again, he prided himself in how graphic he got when he got attracted to someone.
Yes. Yes, I am, you dimwit. "No. No, I'm not. What I feel now cannot be confused for meanness. I'm glad for them and, who knows, this might be Crystal's new golden couple. I totally see the crowd digging into that."
I do hope Nakamoto dies in his sleeps—what he meant to say.
Wooshin seemed delighted by that. "Wow, takes a real man to let stuff go like that. You're officially my hero."
Sungwoo returned the smile: bogus. "Of course."