tw// addiction, mental illness, suicidal thoughts
as i said before, please correct me if theres any incorrect info!
there's an [awkward] interaction/convo between taejin and it's not related to school or work. FINALLY xD
As soon as the bell rings for the end of the day, Taehyung goes home. He sighs in frustration when he sees Kriti's car parked in the driveway but he's relieved when she's nowhere to be found downstairs. He's even more relieved to see the house so bright and clean. It's always clean as in neat and tidy but he hasn't seen the tiles glistening in ages. Everything looks so polished and new. Seokjin has done a wonderful job.
Taehyung heads straight to the kitchen and checks what's been prepared. He can't find anything but he sees a note on the fridge. It says 'Hello sir. Your food is in the fridge. I hope it's okay for the first day.' He opens the fridge and takes out a bowl that is filled to the brim with a prawn salad. He's really disappointed because he was expecting something more but there was literally nothing in the fridge so he can't complain.
He sits on the couch and eats the salad with the TV on. Once he's done, he washes his plate and picks up the grocery list that's on the kitchen counter. He drives to the nearest grocery store and grabs the ingredients. He's really confused when he sees 'AA batteries' written on the list but he grabs it anyway. He rarely does grocery shopping so it takes him a long time to find everything.
He gets home and puts everything away. He randomly stores the cold items in the fridge and leaves everything else in bags inside the big cupboard since he has no idea where they go. Seokjin can sort all of this out tomorrow since he'll be using the kitchen the most. Taehyung will add it to Seokjin's list of tasks.
He soon goes into his room to take a shower and do some work. He sits at his desk and turns on his laptop but he realises he forgot to copy today's work onto his flash drive. He decides to change into something casual before he grabs his necessary belongings—such as his keys, wallet, and laptop—and drives back to the school. There are still quite a few people here because of the extracurricular classes so he's glad he didn't rock up to the school in his pyjamas. That would be quite embarrassing.
He goes into his office and sits behind his desk. Since he's already here, he does the work on his office computer. He's doing okay for quite some time but it's getting late and his cravings are slowly getting to him. He wants to fight it because he wants to cut down on how much he drinks but it's not easy. The longer he tries to fight it, the harder it is for him to function.
He quickly copies everything onto his flash drive and leaves—locking the door on his way out. He drives to his house and inhales deeply when he sees Kriti's car still parked in the driveway but he just ignores it and parks in the garage. He then heads inside but unfortunately she's watching TV on the couch. He walks past without sparing her a glance.
"Taehyung," Kriti says, turning the TV off. "Can we talk?"
"No," Taehyung says, and continues walking.
"It's about Seokjin," Kriti says as she stands up.
Taehyung suddenly stops and turns to face Kriti. "Do you have feelings for him?" he asks, getting a little too excited.
Kriti looks at Taehyung as if he's grown two heads. "Umm... What?"
Okay. She definitely hasn't fallen for Seokjin... yet. Maybe it's a little too early to develop feelings.
"Never mind," Taehyung mumbles, slipping his hands in his pockets. He then clears his throat. "What about him?"
"Just don't be too hard on him. He looked really tired," Kriti says.
Taehyung snorts. "If I'm paying him a lot of money then he has to work for it. Unlike you, he's sticking to his part of the deal."
Kriti frowns. "It's not like you gave him a choice. You—" she stops mid-sentence when she remembers that she's not supposed to know that Taehyung may or may not have forced Seokjin into this.
Oh, yeah. It accidentally slipped out of Seokjin's mouth when he was ranting about how rude and manipulative Mr Kim was during that meeting. Seokjin breached the confidentiality agreement but Kriti promised not to tell anyone a word and to pretend she doesn't know a thing.
"I what?" Taehyung says, a brow raised.
Kriti quickly thinks of something to say. "You gave him a lot of stuff to do in 4 and a half hours and he's working at his other job tonight. You're overworking him," she says.
Taehyung pokes the inside of his cheek because he's getting really annoyed. "His sons get to go to my school for free and I'm paying his bills for him. I'm paying him more than he deserves so he better work twice as hard," he says.
Kriti's eyeballs almost pop out of their sockets. She didn't know that Seokjin was getting paid that much, but... it doesn't change a thing. Yes, Seokjin is getting paid a lot for this job, but he was still forced into it. The money that Taehyung considers undeserved is only compensation for the trouble that Seokjin had to endure in that one meeting. Kriti wants to say this but she's not supposed to know so she has to act shocked, but she thinks of another comeback.
"Personally I think you're not paying him enough," Kriti says, and folds her arms. "If I were him, I'd charge you double just for having to deal with you."
Taehyung gives Kriti a death glare and heads upstairs because he can't deal with her. He goes into his room, locks the door, and grabs a bottle of alcohol from his mini fridge. He quickly changes into the pyjamas he was wearing earlier and picks up the bottle. He sits on his bed and drinks.
These pyjamas are quite old because they're Baekhyun's from over eight years ago but the quality is still good. Over 90% of Taehyung's casual clothes are Baekhyun's old clothes and over half of them have faded in colour or have little tears but Taehyung still wears them. He has maybe two or three good pairs of clothes to wear to places other than work—such as grocery shopping and the bank—but that's it. He doesn't want to throw these clothes away or stop wearing them because it's one of the very few ways he feels closer to Baekhyun.
Baekhyun... Gosh, it hurts just thinking about him. Drinking doesn't help to forget and not drinking doesn't help either. No matter what Taehyung does and no matter where he goes, one little thing reminds him of Baekhyun. He misses being loved and he misses having family but specifically he just misses Baekhyun. He wants his big brother back. He just wants happiness and the only person who can give that to him is Baekhyun who's all the way in England. The worst part is that Taehyung doesn't know where in England.
He has tried to look for Baekhyun. He contacted the apartment Baekhyun lived in, he's gone through multiple UK telephone directories, he's contacted every single medical clinic in the county that Baekhyun lived in, and he even contacted the medical school that Baekhyun attended. But he found nothing—not a single trace. It's almost as if Baekhyun has vanished from existence.
Taehyung feels like this anguish will never end. He thought that starting his own business will give him something to look forward to in life but it's the same thing everyday. He has a school and he makes a lot of money but he's so lonely and he feels detached from the rest of the world. He can't relate to anyone and no one can relate to him. He can't love anyone and no one can love him. Kriti tried in the past but her love isn't the kind of love that Taehyung wants. He wants Baekhyun's love but there's no other like it. Nothing compares to it and nothing will ever come close to it.
He hates Baekhyun. This is all Baekhyun's fault. He wouldn't be suffering everyday if Baekhyun didn't leave him. He wouldn't be struggling to get out of bed if Baekhyun didn't destroy all his hope. He wouldn't be drinking until he blacks out if Baekhyun just didn't leave.
Sometimes he wants to end it all. He really does. He has tried before but it didn't work out because he was either too scared or Kriti magically appeared. He's already dead inside so what's the point? What's the point in living if you don't feel alive? You're merely a person that exists. You have no purpose, no meaning, no direction—nothing. You're just there.
He hates feeling this way and he really does want to end it all but he's terrified. He can't die when he still has to apologise to Baekhyun. He can't die without letting Baekhyun know how much he loves him. He can't die because... what if... what if Baekhyun still cares?
No... no... That's not true. He's not going to give himself false hope. He's not going to do that to himself again. Baekhyun doesn't care and stopped caring the day he left and never came back.
Taehyung is too scared to plan his own end but if it ever comes to him, he won't resist it. He'll just let it come to him on its own.
[Kor] "I hate you," Taehyung chokes out. "Hyung, I hate you... I hate you..."
He slowly finishes the bottle and puts it down on the bed. He then picks up his tiger plushy and looks at it. He still remembers... He remembers... The look on Baekhyun's face... The pain and the heartbreak... He remembers... He'll always remember...
[Kor] "Hyung," Taehyung cries, holding the tiger plushy in his arms. "I'm sorry... I love you..."
Baekhyun always forgave him whenever he did something wrong. Why was the last time different? Sure, the timing might have been too on point since Taehyung moved to Australia just a month after Baekhyun left for good, but Baekhyun cut him off with no hesitation. Baekhyun made sure Taehyung couldn't reach out to him.
Taehyung hates what Baekhyun did, but he could never hate Baekhyun.
-
Taehyung wakes up feeling quite dizzy late next morning. He doesn't need to vomit since he woke up in the middle of the night to do that but he feels slightly sick. He can treat it with a drink but he doesn't have the energy to get out of bed so he holds his stuffed tiger tightly and lays there quietly. He decides he'll go to work later in the day since he doesn't have any meetings. If there's an issue or if he's needed at the school then he'll get a call from the office. He wants to stay home because he doesn't have the energy to do anything or talk to anyone but if duty calls then he has to attend to it.
He tries not to drink on school nights but the longer he abstains, the sicker he feels. He tries to justify it by considering it a treatment for his insomnia but, although it does often induce sleep, it's not a treatment at all. It reduces rapid eye movement (REM) sleep which is a phase of restorative sleep where dreams typically occur. Disruptions to REM sleep can cause drowsiness during the day. In Layman's terms: alcohol may help you fall asleep faster but it reduces the quality of your sleep and leaves you feeling tired and sluggish the next day.
Taehyung's aware of this. He knows very well that alcohol isn't an effective sleep aid but that doesn't stop him from drinking. The longest he can go without drinking is during school hours but he usually needs to have a drink in the morning so that he can function properly for seven or so hours. One of the reasons why he often stays at school until evening is so that he can control himself but it never works. He always ends up drinking once he gets home and he drinks more than the average person. He tried to abstain for a full 24 hours but that didn't do any good for him. His hands were shaking, he was sweating, his head was throbbing, and he had many more unpleasant experiences. It was terrifying.
He has been to the doctor three times because he wanted to get better but he failed all three times. At first he was given Antabuse/Disulfiram so that he would get sick when he drinks alcohol. That barely lasted two days because he felt so sick that he wanted to die. He went a second time asking for a different medication. He was given Naltrexone so that he wouldn't feel the pleasurable effects of alcohol and also so that it would reduce cravings. It works best for people who've abstained for a certain number of days but the longest Taehyung abstained was less than 24 hours so that didn't work out for him either. The third time he was given Acamprosate/Campral to ease withdrawal symptoms. Again, this medication works best if you've abstained for a while before taking it. So, of course, it didn't work for Taehyung.
He didn't visit the doctor a fourth time because he believes nothing will work. They say third time's the charm but that's merely a lie because he failed the third time too. He believes he's going to be like this for the rest of his life.
He wishes things were different. He really does. Maybe if he didn't force Baekhyun away eight years ago then life would be much easier. They'd be happily living together in a small house with two dogs. Taehyung will have his hyung and Baekhyun will have his Taehyungie. Life can't get any better than that.
Taehyung spends at least an hour awake in bed—just thinking about the past. He always reminisces about the good old days or he imagines scenarios of a happier life where he has his big brother. He often imagines the bad memories as well but he alters them so that he makes the right decisions or simply doesn't say anything stupid. He's always thinking about the what ifs even though he knows that won't change anything. He only wishes it could.
He decides to freshen up soon. He feels a little 'hungover' so he grabs a small drink from his mini fridge after he showers. He drinks it as he walks downstairs and he freezes on the spot when he sees Seokjin in the kitchen. He quickly turns around to head back to his room before Seokjin can see him but it's a bit too late.
"Sir? You're not working today?" Seokjin asks. He doesn't have to raise the volume of his voice to be heard because the house is so quiet that you could hear even a whisper.
Taehyung hides the bottle behind his back and looks at Seokjin. "Later," he says, and heads back into his room.
Seokjin just stands there in confusion for a few seconds and then returns to sorting out the items in the kitchen cupboards. He organised the fridge first and now he just needs to do the cupboards. He hopes Mr Kim won't be staying for too long because he already feels really tense just knowing Mr Kim is upstairs.
Taehyung finishes his drink in his room and heads back downstairs. He checks the time on the clock and realises it's past 10:30AM. No wonder why Seokjin is here.
Wait... Since when did the clock start working?
Oh, right. Seokjin must have fixed it. That's probably why he had those batteries written on the grocery list. That was... very kind and thoughtful of him.
Seokjin doesn't know if he's supposed to talk to Mr Kim or not but he can't not say hello. "Good morning, sir," he says, and gives a small smile.
Taehyung just nods in acknowledgement and sits on the couch. He switches the TV on and watches some news. He's not really paying attention to the news because his mind is elsewhere.
Seokjin purses his lips for a moment and then rolls his eyes as he gets back to work. His expectations of Mr Kim became very low after Jaemin's scholarship was put at stake so he can't say he's surprised. It's still disappointing, though.
The two men barely acknowledge each other's presence but Seokjin decides to prepare a simple breakfast for Mr Kim after about ten minutes. He prepares a simple dish with some bacon, eggs, and toast. He places it on a tray with a glass of water and carries it to Mr Kim. He only just notices that Mr Kim's pyjamas are quite worn out. He's not one to judge but why is Mr Kim wearing these old, torn clothes when he can obviously afford new ones?
Taehyung looks at the tray and his stomach grumbles because he's quite hungry. Just looking at this food is also quite refreshing. It smells delicious and it's freshly made, too. He's quite happy that Seokjin didn't ask to make him breakfast because he most likely would've said no.
"Thanks," Taehyung says. He gestures to the coffee table in front of him. "You can leave it there."
Seokjin places the tray on the coffee table and returns to the kitchen to clean up. Taehyung waits until Seokjin's occupied before he starts eating. It's a simple breakfast so he can easily make it himself but he's too lazy and he probably wouldn't be able to present it so neatly. He regrets not hiring a housekeeper sooner.
A few minutes pass and Seokjin returns to the living area to collect the empty dish and glass. He's washing them in the sink when he hears a stool being dragged. He glances at the source and finds Mr Kim sitting on a stool by the kitchen counter.
"What's life like as a single parent?" Taehyung asks. His eyes show nothing but curiosity.
Seokjin is really shocked that Mr Kim is trying to make conversation but he still answers. "It's hard having to manage three kids but it gets easier as they grow up," he says.
"Did you face a lot of struggles on your own?"
"Too many," Seokjin says with honesty. Raising one kid is already exhausting so raising three is triple that exhaustion.
"Like what?"
Seokjin's lips twitch a little because he's not comfortable sharing personal information with someone he barely knows. "A lot of things happened—some things I wish I could take back—but if you change the past then you'd be changing the present, wouldn't you? Your experiences and the lessons you learn from your mistakes shape you into who you are. You'll continue to make mistakes because if you don't, how can you learn from them?" he says.
"I asked you what kind of struggles you faced as a single dad; not whether or not you regret your past."
Seokjin's expectations of Mr Kim were already low but this is just ridiculous. "I never said I don't regret my past," he says. "I regret a lot of it but—"
"You don't need to avoid my question. If you don't want to answer it then just say so."
Seokjin purses his lips.
"How about your wife? What happened with her?" Taehyung asks. His curiosity is getting the best of him because he can't comprehend how a kid who was raised by a man is so courteous and gentle. He always thought it was the mother who does all the nurturing but he's not one to talk because neither of his parents nurtured him. His brother is the one who truly raised him but he has become everything his brother taught him not to be.
"We had some issues so we got divorced," Seokjin says, feeling quite uncomfortable. He doesn't like talking about his wife with random people.
"Obviously," Taehyung mumbles, and then clears his throat. "What kind of issues?"
Seokjin fidgets a little. "It was a toxic relationship so we thought it'd be best to go our separate ways."
Taehyung notices the discomfort on Seokjin's face so he decides to drop the topic and change it to something else. "All your family live here?"
"My mum lives in Geelong," Seokjin says, relieved about the topic change. He's definitely surprised because he didn't think Mr Kim could identify another person's discomfort. "What about your family?"
"No siblings?" Taehyung asks.
Seokjin shakes his head. He wishes he had an older sibling growing up because then he wouldn't have had to go through the pain of his parents' divorce on his own. "Do you have any?" he asks.
"I had a brother," Taehyung says.
"Had?" Seokjin asks, his eyes softening.
Taehyung nods.
Seokjin frowns, his heart aching. "Mr Kim, I'm so sorry to—"
"He's alive but he's dead to me," Taehyung says. He says it so casually that it sounds like he doesn't care but really, it's killing him inside. It kills him more and more each day to the point he feels like he's dead. He feels like he's a soulless body.
"Oh..." Seokjin goes quiet. He doesn't fail to notice the pain and regret in Mr Kim's eyes. He wants to say everything will be okay, but will it be? He doesn't want to give false hope and he feels like it's not his place to provide advice and comfort.
An awkward and unpleasant silence follows right after and Taehyung mentally curses himself for letting that slip out of his mouth. If it wasn't awkward before then it sure as hell is now because the two men feel like they're being suffocated in each other's presence. It's too uncomfortable.
"Thanks for breakfast," Taehyung says. He hops off the stool and heads upstairs.
Seokjin sighs heavily and returns to cleaning. Taehyung returns downstairs in his office attire a few minutes later and leaves without another word.
-
The school bell rings for the end of the day and Taehyung decides to leave. He makes his way towards the front gate and he sees Jaemin sitting by the window in one of the school buses. They make eye contact and Jaemin waves with a small yet warm smile. Taehyung looks around—just to make sure Jaemin was waving to him and not someone else—and he raises his hand to wave back but the bus is leaving so he can't see Jaemin anymore. He doesn't know why but he feels sad.
He brushes it off and heads to his car. He rolls his eyes at the sight of Kriti's car in the driveway when he arrives home and he parks his own car in the garage. He enters the house through the kitchen and finds Kriti having lunch at the dining table while watching TV. They make brief eye contact but don't acknowledge each other.
Taehyung serves himself some of the lunch that Seokjin has made and he heads upstairs to eat in peace with a glass of alcohol. He takes a bite of the food and he feels his entire body relax because it's been ages since he's had authentic, homemade Korean food. The flavour is just right and everything about this is perfection. It's not the same as Baekhyun's but it's just as good. He's glad he hired Seokjin to work for him.
Speaking of... What is he supposed to do once Seokjin and Kriti fall in love and get married? It won't be easy finding a replacement for Seokjin because Seokjin's cooking is top-tier. Taehyung will have to ask Seokjin for replacement recommendations.
He finishes his food in about 10 minutes and goes downstairs to refill his plate. Kriti's surprised by this because he rarely eats but she's glad he's eating. He really needs to increase his nutrient intake because his health is deteriorating.
"Don't give me that look," Taehyung grumbles, not failing to notice the surprise on Kriti's face.
"I'm not giving you a 'look'. I'm just... glad?" Kriti says. It annoys her when Taehyung gets offended by the littlest things.
"Glad because I'm eating? Well I would've eaten everyday if you didn't make shᎥt food."
Kriti sighs deeply. "If my cooking's that bad then you should learn to cook for yourself. It's a basic survival skill, anyway," she says. This is what she always says and his response remains unchanged: he doesn't have the time to cook because he runs a school.
"I have to run a fυcking school. Do you think I have the time to cook?" Taehyung snarls.
See?
"The only reason you don't cook is because you don't know how to."
Taehyung slams his fist on the kitchen counter but Kriti is unfazed. He can be quite verbally aggressive but he has never shown any signs of being physically aggressive. Well... at least not towards others. His physical aggression is usually towards himself, but that doesn't make it any better.
"I'm a busy man, Rao," Taehyung says, oddly calmly. He then grabs his dish and goes back to his room.
After he's done eating, he goes back downstairs and leaves his dish in the sink for Kriti to clean up. Kriti scowls because he always does this but it's what she agreed to. Taehyung said he'll be her fake fiancé and even marry her so that her mum won't worry about her all the time but only if she does housework while she's here.
Taehyung drinks some water and grabs his phone out of his pocket. He sends a message to Seokjin.
Afternoon, Mr Kim.
Are you available to work weekends tomorrow onwards? Reply ASAP.
Regards,
Taehyung Kim.
Taehyung only just puts his phone back in his pocket and it starts ringing. He huffs in frustration because he hates phone calls but he still has to answer. He prefers contact via text or email because it gives him the time to think and respond whereas during phone calls he's always zoning in and out of the conversation and he has to give immediate responses. He has difficulties concentrating.
"Is there a problem, Mr Kim?" Taehyung asks after answering the call.
Seokjin really doesn't like this attitude but he ignores it. "Sir, may I please know why you need me to work on weekends?" he asks.
What's Taehyung supposed to say? 'I want you to cook for me'? That's the only reason why he wants Seokjin to work everyday.
"As you know, I run a school. My job requires me to work even on off days," Taehyung says. That's not so far from the truth. He's basically running this school on his own because the board of trustees have zero input and there's no vice principal. Taehyung just can't deal with people putting their two cents into his work.
Seokjin has no doubt about that. Kriti has told him how much of a control freak Taehyung is. Kriti was appointed as part of the board of trustees but she can't contribute to the school's management. Her name is on papers but that's it. Taehyung does everything on his own.
"I'll have to ask my boss for permission and I'll let you know what he says," Seokjin says, not knowing what else to say. He'd rather not see Mr Kim every single day but he doesn't really have a choice. If he's getting paid this much then he has to work for it.
"Thanks. I need an answer by tonight," Taehyung says. "If your boss allows it then you'll be starting at 9 on weekends and 8 on weekdays."
Seokjin can't comprehend Mr Kim's reasoning for changing the shift times but he goes along with it. "If I start at 8, will I be finishing earlier than 3?" he asks.
"No," Taehyung says. "Have a good day." And he hangs up.
Seokjin doesn't know if he should be glad or mad. He's glad to be getting more hours of work because then he can rest his mind about getting paid more than he deserves but he's mad because he won't have enough time to cook for his sons. He always makes lunch in the morning, stores it in the fridge, and then goes to work. Now he won't be able to do that because he won't have enough time. This completely changes his daily routine.
"You just want him to make breakfast for you, don't you?" Kriti asks after overhearing Taehyung's side of the conversation.
Taehyung looks at Kriti with a dull expression. "He makes good food. You don't."
"I make good food but not when I'm forced to cook," Kriti defends herself.
That may be true because she used to go all out with her cooking but it could be because the secret ingredient to her recipes was her now nonexistent love for Taehyung. She did have feelings for him – a long, long time ago – but now she doesn't see anything more than a frenemy-ship with him. Her feelings are long gone but she still cares about him because she knows he's a troubled soul. She just hates cooking for him because he's very demanding and unappreciative. Now she sticks to making bland soup.
"Doesn't make your food any less shᎥt," Taehyung says, and gives a small shrug.
"Whatever," Kriti mumbles. She takes her dish into the kitchen. "I'm leaving soon."
"I don't care."
Kriti sighs heavily and listens as Taehyung's footsteps fade away. She doesn't have to tell Taehyung that she's leaving because she rarely stays the night anyway but, out of courtesy, she always lets him know. It also saves her from getting an earful of complaints.
She shakes away the thoughts and washes the dishes before she leaves.
i love y'all