Woman- Harry Styles
"I'm selfish, I know, but I don't ever want to see you with him. I'm selfish, I know. I told you, but I know you never listen. I hope you can see the shape that I'm in. While he's touching your skin. He's right where I should, where I should be, but you're making me bleed."
Mini A/N: My one and only warning. There are explicit sex scenes and violent content in this book. Please be aware. This time around the smut scenes will be in the main story. There will be no separation, like in Benefits. If anyone has a problem or questions, please message me.
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I haven't stopped thinking about Jake since he left. I feel like this is a never-ending circle that I'll never see the end.
Jake Dennings.
6'1. Might be 6'2 depending if he stands straight. 6'3 if he wears boots.
198 pounds. 10% body fat. Brown hair that turns black in the water. Wild and bed head 99% of the time. His teeth are practically perfect. One dimple. One beauty mark on his cheek right below his dimple. Button nose. Plump even lips. Brows nicer than mine. His nails finely short. Long fingers—
"Dawn?"
I'm too busy thinking about Jakes's knuckles, to glance at Lana, "Hm." I stare aimlessly at my ceiling, hoping it will somehow collapse on top of me.
"So are you coming to the party or not, girl."
Is this deja vu central, or am I having a seizure? Instead, Lauren begging me, it's Lana who stares worriedly down as she stands above me. Her hair falls across her face, but she isn't bothered by it. I have been lying here for nearly an hour, and I've only spoken a few words here and there as she got ready for class.
"I already told you yes," my voice starchy.
It's a shocker I did say yes, but I need my mind off things. I hated parties in high school with a passion. There was a clear separation of people in little groups. I've only been to two parties in high school, but it was enough to scare the shit of me. Lana was not having it when I became her roommate.
I've gone to a few parties with her, and it's honestly not that bad. It's different. I guess it depends on who you party around. Lana's the co-president of the LGBTQ+ community. She identifies as being a pansexual. Not caring about what gender the person is, but their character. Her best friend is also the co-president, Ronell. He's gender-fluid if he were to put a label, but he prefers not to because "fuck labels." His words, not mine.
Gay people are just so fun to be around.
"It's at Ronell's dorm house, right?"
"No... but he's going... maybe."
"What?" I raise my head from my bed, my eyes boring into hers.
"There dorm house is taking a little breather of parties since some girl got roofied."
"Who's going to be there?"
"Don't know, don't care. All I know is I want to get fucked up on the 4th of July, and you should too. You need it."
"Tell me about it," I mumble.
"So.. are you and Jake like a thing again." She asks hesitantly. I look up at her; the curiosity swims in her eye.
"No. It was a one-time thing. I get so caught up with him, that I forget what we went through." It's harder to sleep at night, or even taking naps because all I think about is if he's able to sleep without me. What's he doing. If he's as stressed as I am about us. There isn't an us anymore; I will keep reminding myself this every single day if I have to. "You know what, I'm going," I say confidently.
"Awesome!" Lana squeals, "You should invite Ben."
"You read my mind." I look back at the ceiling and pray that this night won't be a disaster.
-
The place is booming fireworks before we enter the house. I needed to get out of my dorm room before my head exploded. Now I'm here, holding hands with Ben as we enter the foyer of the unknown house. I see a few familiar faces from Lana's club, but none of them know me, so they don't say anything but a quick nod when I stare too long.
"Who's dorm house is this again?" I yell to Lana over the music.
"Chelsea. I think." She squeezes through the crowd once more, and I try to follow, but Ben's hand latches my hand like a vise, and he pulls me from doing such.
"You want to dance." He chirps in my ear.
I cringe at his hot breath but lightly pat his cheek playfully. "Maybe a few drinks in me, yeah." I pull him towards the directions of where Lana was heading towards. A table is filled with only heavy liquor and one bowl of potato chips. I don't try to grab any, as I have no idea how long they've been sitting. Instead, I grab a bottle of patron and two red cups. I've only been on campus for a month, but I know what I like-- Something that burns my throat.
I hand Ben a glass, and his nose shrivels up, but he still takes it. We clink our cups before gulping down the clear fluid. I grab the bottle once more, and I can feel Ben's eyes watching me.
"I didn't know you liked drinking."
"I don't, but you want me to dance." And I want to forget the week.
He nods, holding his cup out for me to pour him more. I hesitate, feeling bad that I might be the cause of him drinking more than he wants, but we're young and dumb, so I don't care as I should.
A few drinks more, and Ben seems funnier than usual. His humor is dry, and it's a type you have to think about before reacting to it, but I'm not able to think at all. Right now, any joke pertaining to our surroundings causes my hysteria. One being the couple who is too drunk to kiss. They push their lips together; laughing drunkenly in their manner.
"Is that there type of language." He leans into me, his hand right in the middle of my waist. Not too high or low, but he feels warm like my stomach from the alcohol. "If his slobber trickles his chin, does that mean I'm hungry."
I laugh louder than I should, but the more I stare at the couple, the more repulsive they are. Spit is all around the girl's lips, and her lipstick smears across her nose from her partners.
"Or I'm thirsty," I say.
"Dawn?" I hear someone call for me — a girl's voice. I turn to the sound, and to my surprise, it's not Lana. Alicia.
And she's with Kevin. Jake's two best friends from this city. I knew one day I'd bump into them.
"Oh, hey, you two." I quip, pulling Ben closer to me. He doesn't seem to mind, though. He's caught up with some people of his own, enjoying the conversation that distracts him.
"How've you been?" Alicia stares at Ben but doesn't say anything about it.
"Just great." I feel my mood falter, only because they remind me of him. "What about you?"
"Fine, Fine. Just getting settled for the fall. The boys are coming to visit me for my first semester." She pulls Kevin into her, and he smiles in response.
"That's good."
Wait... the boys. As in, more than one...
And just as the puzzle pieces come together, I notice his figure a few feet away from us-- staring aimlessly at the four of us. I'm surprised I didn't spot him until now, but of course, he'd still be in town. I'm not the only reason he came up here. I know that now.
"Jake?" Alicia calls over her shoulder, "Stop stalking and join us, will you?"
He follows her orders and joins the group. Ben has suddenly taken notice of the three people that have come into our little corner.
"Hey, I'm Ben? You guys are Dawn's friends?"
"Sure," Jake answers, gravelly.
Ben pauses briefly, squinting his eyes in concentration at Jake, "You seem familiar? Did we have a class together last semester?" Ben asks, his arms wrapping more securely around my waist, and I don't mind it.
"No." He answers shortly. Though his usual shades are pressed to his face, I notice his brows begin to frown, his hands forming into a fist. Either from this extremely awkward conversation with Ben or the fact that he keeps lowering his hand on my back.
I clear my throat, trying to clear the air, "Ben, this is Alicia, Kevin, and Jake. Old friends from school." I half-lie. Alicia and Kevin aren't exactly my friends, and Jake and I never were friends. Just Benefits to Lovers.
"Jake sounds so familiar." Ben squints his eyes to concentrate on Jake. He only sounds familiar because Jake was going to beat the living shit out of you when he saw us together a couple of nights before, but I keep my mouth shut. It's the liquor that's causing him not to make the connection from that night, but I'm in no place to have this type of awkward conversation.
"Let's dance." I pull Ben away from them and make my way to the living room where some people are dancing.
"Hey, that was a bit rude. I was just getting to know your friends." Ben protests.
"They aren't my friends."
"I thought you said they were?"
I shut him up by turning around, my butt hovering over his groined, reveling in the heat between us. I'm not doing this because Jake's here. I keep repeating that in my head, but the lie can't sink through my conscious. Everything would be fine, but Jake and I kissed and it screwed everything up. It's made me hungry, sexually. And I can't help my eager movements against Ben. He doesn't mind it really. He's nice, too nice, and I'm blatantly using him. The problem with that is, I don't care that I am.
Jake catches my eye when he enters the room, his stare empty from his glasses. He's alone, but not for long. I can barely feel Ben's arms around my torso as he pulls me closer to him.
All I can do is stare at Jake. No matter how long we've been apart, he will always be mesmerizing to look at. It could be years apart, and I still would think he was the beautiful man to exist. He looks my direction as well, but instead of grabbing me, he walks right past to the nearest available girl. I can't really place a description of her because I can't let my eyes linger away from Jake's stature. He turns her around, letting her butt grind on him and I nearly lose it. Who am I to feel this way? I shouldn't feel any type of way, but the jealousy goads me to grind faster against Ben. He moans in my ear, and I'm regretting every second of this moment.
I think I'm going to get sick.
"I have to use the restroom," I announce, and I immediately pull Ben away from me.
"I can go with you." Ben states.
"No!" I nearly snap, "I'm fine. Just pour me another drink, yeah?" I push through the crowd, and I hope and pray Ben doesn't follow. I don't need him to see me cry or my possible vomit that will commence at any second. I travel upstairs, knocking on every door that isn't already occupied. The third one is open, and I enter.
I lock the door immediately. My stomach has since calmed down, but my emotions take over. No. No crying. He isn't worth the tears. What am I even crying, exactly? The closure is done, but the memory of his lips ghost my thoughts, and I'm afraid that it won't leave.
I look up in the mirror; some of my mascara begins to melting off my eyes. I can't recognize myself anymore. This isn't you. No, it is. No, it isn't. The Dawn I know would never dance with another man in front of her lover. Well, the Dawn I know is stronger than this. She can do what she wants, and Jake knows that.
A knock is at the door, and I roll my eyes at the intrusion. I wipe away any moisture that decided to escape before turning on my heel.
"Ben, I said I was fine," I say before opening the door.
Of course, it'd be Jake. His height is pushing me further into the bathroom. He shuts the door with the back of his foot, and I back into the sink, "What are you doing in here?" I try to keep my voice steady, but it shakes.
"Shut up," is all he says, before lifting me onto the sink counter. I gasp at the cold surface, subconsciously clinging to him. His hands rise on my thighs, going under my skirt. He doesn't break the stare down. I open my mouth in low moans, my eyes widen at these swift actions, "Tell me to stop." He commands, but no words come out.
After a few seconds of him massaging my thighs, he connects our lips roughly, bringing me to the edge of the counter. I shouldn't be doing this, we shouldn't be doing this, but my body won't allow me to do anything else than let my lips become bruised from his. It yearns for his presence, his scent, his hands, his everything. His fingers could leave indents, and I would cherish it as a gift. I remembered last year, he preached needing my body, and now I believe him. It's intoxication. The smell. The ache. The want. The need. It consumes you in a way that you've never felt before. I was naive then, thinking it was passion, but really it was lust in its purest form.
His hand slides across me, petting my core. I moan in his mouth louder.
"You want me to fuck you with my cock or my mouth." I pulse at his words.
His tongue swallows me, and I don't really give a fuck how he fucks me, I just want him to do something. He brings his hand from my middle, separating our mouths to put his fingers in between them. He licks one side of his finger, pressing it further into my mouth, "Come on," he begs me.
This is sinful in the sweetest way, but I follow as he asks, and lick the other side of his finger— tasting myself and his tongue that licks the other side.
In one swift motion, he's on his knees, pulling my legs apart. He's quicker than I remember or maybe he's passed the teasing. His tongue hovers over me once more, wetting the spot. I bang my head lightly on the mirror behind me as my eyes roll back. He slides my panties to the side letting his tongue flat against my clit. I begin to scream, but one of his hands reaches up to clap my mouth. I bite down hard on his palm.
He licks deeply and vigorously, and I can't help but push my hips into him for more friction. He lets go of my mouth and allows the free hand to come to my entrance, teasing it with his fingertips. He licks more and more. He doesn't stop me when I reach for his glasses so that I can sit them on the counter beside me. Once our eyes connect, I nearly combust.
Jake pulls from me for a moment to pull my underwear down my ankles to get easier access. I'm surprised he didn't rip them. He always would.
I feel his warm hands move to the side of my underwear, instead of taking them off as a human being, he rips them clean off my body, exposing my heat to him. "Jake!" I try to scold him, but it sounds like I'm just moaning when his breath fans over my middle.
Two fingers reenter me, with his lips still attached once more above. I let my hands roam his hair, feeling the familiarity of his curls, making myself get lost within the pleasure. I'm one touch away from falling apart, and at any given bite, lick, or thrust, I'd break into a million pieces. I'll let him take what he wants, which was for me to come in his mouth. I do just that, my thighs shaking against the sink, nearly falling on my feet, but Jake keeps me upright as I ride my orgasm into his mouth. I fall back against the mirror, exhaustion taking over my body, but my legs still shake from the aftermath.
He pulls away from me, and I can barely keep my eyes open. His stare is wild, and his lips are wet from me and spit. When he stands, I see a bulge, but before I can react, he turns on his heel and exits the bathroom. I stare at the door dumbly, confused as to what happened in the last ten minutes. My legs are dangling on the edge on the counter, my underwear still hanging by my feet.
Now I feel like throwing up.