"You can pretend you don't miss me (me). You can pretend you don't care. All you wanna do is kiss me (me). Oh what a shame I'm not there. You can pretend you don't miss me (me). You can pretend you don't care. All you wanna do is kiss me (me). Oh what a shame I'm not there. What is it you want? You can lie but I know that you're not fine (oh yeah). Every time you talk. You talk 'bout me but you swear I'm not on your mind."
bitches broken hearts- Billie Eilish
Dawn P.O.V.
"We changed. You can't deny that, and you didn't even fight me on it like you usually do when I have doubts. Then I left, and you... you didn't try." I confess.
"A small drunk part of myself thought you could be right. I couldn't dismiss your thoughts either. We were different. I still loved you, but it's like I forgot how to love you properly. And then the drinking didn't help, but as you said then.. it magnified how disconnected we were."
The more the words spew from both of us, the more we realize that we are both right. We grew apart, and there was nothing that could change that. I still love Jake, more than ever, but he's not the same man that I loved. He has the same face, sure. But he's not the asshole who pushes my boundaries for the better, who makes me feel like a better person because of it.
"So I guess this closure, huh?" I sigh out.
"Yeah." He drums his fingers on the table, "I guess it is."
"Do you think we can be friends. I know it's a lot to ask from you, I mean, we were in love—"
"I just want to be around you again." He admits, but we both know it's impossible.
"You said JC's coming back in a month."
"More or less. I'm going to college to San Jose community."
"Wow, that's close." My fingertip traces the brim of my empty coffee mug, "What about the Underground?"
"I told JC of me not being as active during the school season. I haven't told him the location of it yet."
I don't even want to think about the consequences of being so near to me, and I can tell by Jake's face, he is a bit nervous about it himself.
"Where do they think you are now? The people?"
"Recruiting like JC. Besides they won't question me. Grown a bit of a bond with them."
"That's good." A pause follows, and although nothing significant is being said, I can't help but miss his presence, even if most of the words exchanged is small talk.
"You look happier than the last time I saw you."
I chuckle, before reconnecting our eyes, "Sure doesn't feel like it, but I guess you're right. I'm content with what I'm doing right now. I have a major, for now at least. I have a great roommate, my classes organized for the fall. I'd say I'm pretty content.
"All I care is if you're happy."
"Are you?" I ask.
"You already know the answer to that." He mumbles, "Ask me what a perfect world is for me."
I won't because I know it contains us, and we would have to start all over with the closure part of this meeting.
I stare down at my lap. I am not daring to look at his intimating face any longer.
"I should get going." He announces, and I knew the second he said those words, I'd regret him from telling them. He stays seated for a moment longer before beginning to stand up.
"Wait." I urge, looking up at his confused expression. "I- I have some stuff of yours in my dorm room. I think it'd be better if I gave them back to you."
I can't bother to keep any of his belongings if this is indeed our ending.
"Okay." He stands up, "I should get going, so can we go get them now?
"Sure," I say before following his movement out the door.
I already miss him, but he's not even gone. This isn't healthy, and we can both tell that. I've been somewhat okay these past few months without him. But just being okay isn't good either.
The walk towards my dorm building is short, or at least it felt that way. He still smells the same. His favorite cologne hasn't changed.
When we enter the room, it feels smaller than before, but of course, it's the same size, why wouldn't it be? The box of Jake's stuff sits at the bottom of my bookcase on my side of the room. Luckily Lana isn't here. I wouldn't want things to be more awkward than they already were. It felt normal for Jake to be here but also different.
"Is there any way I can keep your black sweatshirt." I point aimlessly in the corner do the room. I sleep in it most nights. Though his scent has worn mostly off, it still feels comfortable.
"Sure, I forgot I even had it." He admits as he scratches the back of his neck. He approaches me from behind and looks at the surface. Most of it being clothes. But one item in particular he spots. His notebook that he wrote letters to me. The old ones and even the newer ones when I bought the notebook for him to write letters to me. "You should keep the letters."
"No, it's too hard for me to keep." I avoid his face, turning to the front of the room to put my shoes on the rack.
"They were meant for you." He urges, "you can't wipe me clean from your life, Dawn."
"I'm not. They just hurt to look at because you don't feel the same anymore as you wrote." I finally face him, and he's puzzled by my confession.
"I'm not taking them." He tosses them on the bed and decides it upon himself to sit down, his hands covering his face, and he sighs deeply. "Where did everything go wrong? I swear I trace back my steps, and I get nowhere how I fucked it all up."
I hold sympathy within me, and I soon begin to realize that he's loathing himself as much as I do. I walk to my bed and sit next to him, "Even though I said it was all your fault, you know it's not. I wanted things to end, and so did you. Deep down. We both knew the hardships were going to be made."
"You're going to forget about me, " he admits sadly. There's this small smile across his face, but it's nothing but mourning.
"I wouldn't dare too. I can barely even try for a second." He stays silent now, not making any move to leave. "Fine." I relent. "I'll keep them."
"If you don't want to—"
"No. I've changed my mind, and you can't do anything to stop me," I say lightly, trying to ease him with a smile.
"I could never change your mind even if I wanted to. You're stubborn."
"And your an asshole."
He lets out a chuckle briefly, and I can't help but revel in it. It's so easy to slip back into how comfortable we are with each other. Just an hour ago, I wanted nothing to do with him, and now I'm consumed by his laughter. A never-ending spell of his lips that I become entranced so quickly with every time I look at them. Especially when he swipes his tongue across his lips.
"Would it?"
"Huh?" I hum, not catching a word he was saying previously.
"Would it be weird if I kissed you? A goodbye kiss. I won't ever be able to do it again." He admits, his stare lingers on my mouth, and I subconsciously lick my lips for effect.
I know it's wrong. I shouldn't let him, but I can't dispel the stir inside me of the excitement. There's still this anger aims towards him, but it's faltering at each second.
"Okay."
I shouldn't do this, but I want to.
A wide grin is only visible for a second before I begin to realize what I had omitted to. This is apart of closure, right? This is where at the end of the drama movie, I kiss the man I use to love one last time before opening a new chapter in my life? I don't want it to be at the beginning of another chapter in the torture of our toxic relationship.
I'm always lost in thought when I'm around him, but now I can't stop for what's to come. He leans forward into me, his breath fanning my mouth, his brows furrowing in concentration. One last kiss.
Keep it simple. I tell myself.
When I meet him halfway, our mouths are confused, as we haven't touched lips in months. It doesn't take long for the movement between them, though. The warmth in my mouth begins to heat, and it's only been a few seconds, but I know I must stop now.
I pull from him, but he's quick to push forward. Eager for more. This is our last time, so I'll let him get carried away as much as I want to. A sigh passes my lips, and I feel his tongue trying to enter my mouth.
How far will I let him go? I don't care— no I should care. This shouldn't be this long! I put my hand on Jake's chest, pushing him back. His breathing is ragged, and his cheeks feel warm again mine, like his swollen lips.
Fuck it. I press into his mouth and let the passion take over my body. This doesn't mean anything. This just means the self-proclaimed prophecy that our physical attraction will always ruin our separation. One of Jake's hands linger on my inner thigh, and the other cups my jaw, pulling me forward to him. At first, I don't know what I can do with my hands, but I soon connect with his hair, pulling softly at the roots.
He lets go of my mouth for a second, allowing a deep moan cross his mouth, before crashing his lips back into mine. His hand on my thigh travels to my side to pull me on his lap, letting my groin meet his.
Deja vu.
I try to stand up, but he grasps my hips. He pulls me to his lap slowly, my legs on either side of him. My eyes widen at these actions. His thumb reaches out to my chin, caressing it in the smoothest way possible. I'm living in this moment, feeling every breath passing through my lips, passing through his lips. It happened so fast, but it felt so slow. His lips begin to brush with mine. Why didn't I pull back then?
All the way back into my small room. The day I was able to really see his eyes. They were so bright, so hurt-- scared from the past and current the present. And I let him kiss me; I let him into my life to only awaken me. The end result being he abandon me.
What if I pushed away then? Said no, stop? Would we be inevitable? These types of questions I can't answer because he flips us over so I'm at the beneath of him.
Everything about us is familiar and the same, but I don't mind it. I yearn for the familiarly, especially when he does that thing with his tongue inside my mouth. He doesn't even come up for breath, which I don't blame him— if he does, the game will end by me.
Maybe not, considering one of my legs hike up around his waist to pull him forward. He sighs deeply in my mouth before fully collapsing on top of me.
His fingers dig into my jeans, before trailing up under my shirt, his fingers indenting into my soft skin.
I moan loudly, too loud for my liking, but Jake seems unbothered, or more so encouraged to continue his tease with his finger tips.
"What the fuck?!" I hear a voice screech out.
It takes a second to realize we are no longer alone in the room, before I push Jake off me. He rolls over on his back lying on the side.
Lana stands in the door way, her eyes widen in shock. She blinks away the look before she begins to grab some books off her bed that's near the door, "Uh... Sorry.. I was just getting my books." She says gushingly.
"I should go." Jake announces before bolting our the door. The similarities of today and my mother walking in on us on one of the first times we hooked up makes my head spin. History is repeating itself.
Expect my mother isn't here, and I'm not letting him leave without an explanation.
I grab the box of stuff he left, and run after him, ignoring Lana's stare. "Wait!" I call out to Jake, his back to me.
He stills before slowly turning around. His brows raising up in confusion.
"You left your box."
He sighs out, his shoulders sank before walking towards me to grab the box out of my hands, careful not to touch my arms.
"You know that can't happen again, right?" I say, trying to search his reaction through his glasses.
"Yeah." He says at first, before looking straight at me, "But Dawn, we both know physically we can't stay away from me each other."
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"Nothing. I'll see you around." He turns on his heel, out towards the building.
I want to follow him, but I don't know what that'll do. It'll give him hope that he has me wrapped around his finger, and that should not be the case.
I thought this day was productive. We were able to have closure, but now I feel confused as to how I feel about Jake even more.
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A/N: I'm sorry I said I was going to update yesterday and I didn't. :(. I'm a shorty author sometimes. But I stayed up late for you guys to edit this. It's not the best but ya know.. love you guys!! Now I have to do my English hw. 😴