William's P.O.V
Doubt.
It's a feeling that moves quieter than all the others. You don't notice the way it nurses itself to grow better, don't notice how innocent pieces of information feed it. You don't notice it until it's pricking at your skin during your happiest moments. Things that once seemed perfectly fine suddenly appearing like a disguised form of deception.
Then it's too late to get rid of it because it's already there and you can't fight it off. Because doubt isn't tangible, you can't fight it because it's not facts. It's just doubt and it's not crazy, it makes sense the things, or the people in my case, you begin to question.
I started to harvest layers of doubt for the one person that didn't deserve it.
Turns out doubt is pals with fear, should've guessed that one. They shared information to build a case in aims of pushing me to destroy the man who made me smile. Because of course, they wouldn't do it themselves, doubt and fear were cowardice after all.
It started when Damon told me wanted to take things slow. It surprised me, but not because I didn't agree with it, but because it showed me just how far I was willing to go with him already. If Damon hadn't put a stop to things, I don't think I would've told him no to anything. His words punctured my effervescent state of grace that I'd let myself slipped into with him, a rude awakening from the dream never of us let end.
But I was awake now and I was scared.
Scared of how easily I unraveled within Damon's grasp, scared of how much I let myself trust him, how much I let myself forget... I was scared of me, not him. Because I was the one who let him in, who all but dove into the first spec of kindness he shared with me, so desperate for it that I couldn't think straight.
Didn't think about how much time I let myself spend with him, didn't consider the way I'd let our lives get intertwined or how much lonelier the darkness would be if I returned to it. If he changed his mind and left me out in the cold as he did.
Don't fucking touch me, faggot!
I wince at the harsh tone my memories forced in front of me, a cruel reminder of what was in store for me if Damon turned out to not be who I thought he was, who I wanted to believe he was. It'd be harder getting back up the second time that it was the first time.
I didn't want to go through that again.
So that left me with two choices, pull away before it was too late or keep placing my trust in him.
I knew what waited for me if I let Damon go, I'd be alone again in a world I couldn't connect to with my blurred perception of it. A vision that left me distrusting, left me vulnerable and weak. I'd have to stay on my own, void of any of Damon's affections that fueled me as my blood should and without his light, one that lit up the darkness for miles.
If I kept trusting him, he could let me down even though he hadn't yet. But no one ever lets anyone down, until they do. There's always a first time for something and I knew from experience that mine had a habit of leaving me more broken than I had been in the beginning.
So, I was left at a standstill. Facing two possible paths without having a clue which one would leave me the least torn at the end of it because they'd both hurt.
"You're quiet." Damon voices suddenly, drawing me from my negative thoughts.
I look down to find him looking up at me worriedly, my hand that'd been petting him stilled. I start back running my hands through his hair, offering him a gentle smile that calmed him a little.
"Just thinking," I mumble as I let my free hand curl, redirecting my fears that way.
"About how sexy I am?" He questions making me chuckle helplessly.
"Sadly no," I reply through my chuckles, Damon's smile was big as he looked up at me. "Where does all this confidence come from?"
He hesitates for a moment, brief flashes of sadness flickering through his blue eyes, making them darken. He stays silent, eyebrows pulling as he tries to decide whether or not he'd banshee his way out of this one. I rub at the space between them to distract him from himself.
"My old man loves himself so much it kind of passed itself down to me." He says finally, turning away the moment he does. Leaving him facing the television instead of lying on his back as he had been doing.
I let him tend to his emotions, waiting for him to give me a sign that said he wanted me to drop the topic but he hadn't. Kept his eyes open and sad as he watched the blackened screen, seeing some arrangement of memories that only he had the eyes to see. I wait for him to relax before replying.
"Is your mom like that too?" I offer gently, the question allowing him to escape the topic if he wanted to. But Damon's eyes only widen in surprise then he snorts loudly making me jump in surprise as he curls into himself, laughing with pure amusement I couldn't understand.
"Oh my Goddess, dad would hate you if he heard you say that." He says through his laughter, his body still shaking as he placed a hand to his aching stomach.
I frown slightly, sad I'd somehow already lost favor with his father not that there was a favor to lose. Damon and I weren't even dating, I still wasn't sure if it was something he wanted. We'd barely kissed a couple of times and spent a few hours together. I needed to stop letting myself falling because I'd hit the bottom when I never expected it.
I push the sadness away and scratch at my few brain cells to remember a religion which involved a Goddess, frown only deepening when I come up short.
"I have two dads," Damon explains when he'd grown tired of laughing at me. The reason why so clear now that I couldn't help the blush that ran up my neck at my false assumption.
"Seriously?" I ask slightly surprised. Damon glances up at me before he nods a little. "That's so cool."
Damon's smile was light, easy as he visibly reminisces but his eyes were dark and heavy, filled with sadness that made me regret probing at all.
"Try chaotic." He replies with a small chuckle, not completely closing up. "They are the complete opposite yet they're perfect together."
"That's sweet," I reply, truly in awe of something so beautiful.
My parents weren't perfect together, they were perfect for one another - there was a difference. They didn't love one another on a romantic level, they loved one another from a business standpoint seeing each other as the perfect specimen to further their positions in society. A weird, twisted form of affection grew because of that and fractured whenever one jeopardized the other's position.
It was weird growing up and looking to that as an example of love.
"How long have they been together?"
"Since high school, got together when they were eighteen and have been going ever since," Damon replies with a clear fondness which both warmed and confused me.
If Damon had such nice parents, why did he have no photos of them or talk about them, ever?
"They knew each other since birth and hated one another until they found out they were matttttttthematical lab partners." He finishes with wide, panicked eyes as his body suddenly tenses up.
I tilt my head in confusion, frowning at the clear cop out that that mathematical lab partners thing was, he was covering something up. I'm pretty sure mathematical lab partners weren't even a thing... unless they were...
"In their old school, it was a weird name for lab partners." He scrambles quickly to fill in the spaces. "They got stuck together for a project and fell in love."
Something in this story was a lie and it only added to the doubt.
"So then when did baby Damon come along?" I ask instead, grinning widely at the thought of Baby Damon. The grin only widens when a deep blush takes Damon's cheeks.
Fuck he could be so cute sometimes.
"Not too long after, they had, no got. They got me when they were still young." He says, voice fading with every word. "What about your parents?" He deflects, passing the unwanted, metaphorical hot potato of sharing to me.
I sigh and catch it. Banshee sticks on my tongue as I watch him, knowing that I was the one who'd dug him into these memories and it'd be a dickhead move to try and fuck off now.
"My parents are okay," I reply, smiling proudly at my diplomatic answer.
"Now, now Alexander, let's not do this." He replies, voice smug as he repositioned himself so that he was facing my stomach, slowing him to circle my waist with his arms. I bristle under his touch, groaning angrily at his skills of perception.
"I hate my parents," I admit. I try not to wince too much at the way his eyes filled with pity, it was something I hated to see in people and even more in Damon. He seems to catch this and immediately pushes it away, leaving only sadness to show how sorry he felt for me.
I can't help the humorless chuckle I release, if he looked like a kicked puppy now he'd look mutilated when he found out what kind of assholes they were.
"You don't have to talk about it, banshee or not," Damon says, leaning forward and placing a supportive hand over my own.
I smile gratefully at the gesture and put the discussion to rest with relief.
It still confused me a little that Damon described his parents with obvious love that I could never even fake if I tried. Yet, he still sounded pained and tormented, still looked uncomfortable at the memory of them.
"Let's go for a walk," Damon says pulling himself from my lap and to his feet, stretching with a loud groan before turning and pulling me to my feet within an instant. "We can even take your stupid dog with us."
He tries to kiss me but I put my hand between us, chuckling a little when his features distort into a look of betrayal.
"You can't seriously expect kisses after insulting my dog yet again," I reply with a quirked eyebrow as he pulls me to him.
"Bgju she id sjug." He tries, his words coming out distorted against my hand. I remove it and he flashes me a thankful look before trying again. "I said, that she is stupid."
"Damon do you want me to call animal control on your rabbit because I fucking will." I threaten, snickering as he does at the use of my name as a word. It's something neither of us could seem to get over whenever it arose which was a lot.
"He's a bunny, first of all, a-"
"Same thing." I cut in.
"No, they're not," Damon argues before releasing a sigh. "I'm not going to argue with a human, lost cause. Let's just go for a walk."
"The sun is going to be coming down soon," I argue nervously, glancing to the window to see the afternoon sky still bright and deceptive. "I usually walk her in the morning, when it's bright out."
"I'll be with you," Damon replies encouraging, giving me a look that practically screamed for me to trust him as if he somehow knew the doubts I'd been having this past week.
"Okay." I agree begrudgingly, pushing down the alarm bells as far as I can.
He leans down and I don't hold myself back anymore, let the doubt go as I melt into him. Responding to his kiss with equal fever as I thank God for sending me someone so perfect.
--------
Damon's hand stays tightly clasped with mine as Sassy runs in front of us, her generous size big enough to intimidate the usual dogs she ignored. She seemed to like it though, growling low at any who even looked at her, when they cowered she held her head up and kept walking with evergrowing dignity.
My eyes keep track of the sky and the slowly descending sun, we weren't quite approaching sunset but we weren't far off either. But Damon knew that, that's why we chose to stop walking when we reached the town park, circling the area for Sassy to enjoy her brief reign over all the other dogs here. Every now and again Damon would pick up a stick and throw it for and every time she'd watch the stick fall before she kept walking at a leisurely pace.
"Never have I ever stolen something," I say and widen my eyes when Damon hums his guilt. "Like candy from a store?"
"Yeah sure when I was five." He says scratching at the back of his neck. "With age, the heists got grander."
"What exactly have you stole?" I exclaim but he swats me off before quickly sidestepping to something else.
"Never have I ever received nudes," Damon says and I hum making his eyes almost roll out his head, his grip on my hand tightening to the point of pain. "By who?"
"Guys," I answer with a shrug, honestly not knowing the name of a single one. "It happens when you're gay and single."
"Do you still get nudes from other men?" He asks, his voice low and dripping with annoyance.
"Well, I am still single," I reply before using his tactic to move to another question despite the answer being no. "Never have I ever done drugs."
When Damon doesn't hum I quirk a brow, slight surprise weighing in. It's not that I thought Damon did any crazy shit in his spare time, but the fact that he never did any at all was mildly surprising.
"Who do you think I am?" He exclaims when he sees my doubtful look. I laugh helplessly, making a motion of zipping my mouth up and tucking the key in my pocket. "You're the worst, no I have not done any drugs, ever."
I pull the key back out and unzip my lips, making a big show of taking a breath because I liked being over the top sometimes. Damon didn't mind, in fact, he seemed positively amused as he just laughed and shook his head.
"Never have I ever lied in never have I ever," Damon says before consequently humming the same moment I do. We both laugh, me toppling over a little while Damon covered his mouth.
"We should head back, it'll be dark soon," I say with a broad grin as I look up at the colorful sky.
"Damon."
We both look up at the new voice, laughing fading as a man stood in front of us. His skin seemed tanned in complexion but I couldn't make out anything else about him, the blurred image of him disabling me from examing him any further. He was tall, almost Damon's height but was much skinner, with layers of clothes that should weigh him down, but he stood tall defying them.
Something was wrong. He was panting as if he ran here, and he was staring in Damon's direction as if he held all the answers to something that'd chased him here. Damon suddenly tensed up as he locked his jaws together, any hint of the laughter that's been between us gone within an instant. I look back to the random guy just in time to find him studying me.
He looked to be taking me in, or so I assumed, I could tell by the slight, tilt of his head that I confused him. Questioning eyes that I could practically feel running over my skin as if peering into my soul. I rub Sassy for comfort feeling uncomfortable under his piercing gaze.
Winter Aid - The Wisp Sings
Then his eyes traveled down to our joined hands, I caught the moment his head shifted that way. That's when the real look of sheer surprise came out, as he stepped back. I couldn't tell if he was disgusted at what he was looking at and didn't really want to know. Confusion seemed to be the main emotion but before I could examine the emotion any further, Damon was pulling his hand away from mine.
I glance down at the action, body stilling with silent agony at the clear line he was drawing between what I knew us to be and what this guy knew him to be. I let my eyes pull to him, catching the look of guilt on his face before my blurred splotches of him covered my sight completely.
Cutting me out and leaving me feeling truly blind for the first time.
I look down, letting my empty fingers hang while the others clenched onto Sassy's fur desperately. Needing her warmth to fill the sudden cold that was rushing into me, filling the space that Damon had kept closely guarded until now.
He changed his mind.
"Don't fucking touch me, faggot!" Liam shouted as he pushed me away before coming at me with all rage and bruising fists. "I can't believe I let a piece of shit like you into my house." He spat before showering me with a never-ending cycle of pain.
"What are you doing here Mekhi?" Damon asks the guy who he was apparently familiar with. His voice void of the gentle caress I'd grown accustomed to, replaced with something cold and dark that I didn't like.
"I need to talk to you and it can't wait." The man replies breathlessly, his tone revealing just how frightful he really was.
When I'm sure I've concealed all of my hurt, I look back at this Mekhi, focusing on breathing rather than the sadness that was making itself known closely behind the barricade I was rebuilding.
"I can't talk right now, later," Damon says before turning to me but I don't look at him, I couldn't.
"Couldn't you just hide it, William, now look what you've made happen." Mother cried as she clenched my hand in the hospital.
I wince slightly at mother's tone that rings through my mind, joining Liam's to pull me into a ring, facing a battle I had no hopes of winning.
I wanted to run. Wanted to run all the way back to my apartment and slide under my sheets, hiding from Damon and everything I knew wanted to hurt me in this world. Wanted to be alone and away from here. But I couldn't, the sun was a bit past setting and I knew there was no way I could make it back without ending up in the same place I was the night Damon found me.
"It can't wait Damon." The guy presses with a hint of aggression. "It's about your family."
Damon's entire body tightens at that moment, becoming a hard, rigid thing as he turned back to face his friend. Fear for him pools inside, the need to reach for his hand and show him I was there strong, but it was shut down the moment I remembered him pulling away from me.
Damon may be okay with what we were in private, without the eyes he knew on him but he clearly wasn't when they were. That was something I couldn't ignore, even if I wanted, I couldn't do that again.
"I'll meet you back at the complex Will." Damon says through gritted teeth as he turns to me once more.
This time I have to look at him, because I couldn't help the shot of terror that ran through me at the implication of his words. I couldn't help the way it made me feel weaker than ever before as my eyes darted between him and the darkening sky. Memories and fear pushing up to leave me frozen in my place.
I stare at Damon, hoping he would see my silent plea for him not to make me go back on my own. Needing him to see that right now I really needed him, needed him to be the person he said to trust. Needed him more than I could even voice, I needed him.
"Mekhi, I really can't do this now," Damon says making relief flood my chest as I release the shaky breath I didn't know I kept locked inside. "Later I ca-"
"Damn it, Damon," The man groans with frustration. "Your parents a-" He stops himself, looking to me as if remembering my presence.
The two words were enough to sink Damon though, I didn't have to see his face to know that he already made his decision.
"I'm going back." I manage, biting my lip to silence the rush of tears as I turn to leave.
"Will, no," Damon says grabbing my arm. "Just wait for me on one of the benches and I'll walk you back. I'll be quick and I'll take you back."
I yank my arm free of him, keeping my face away from him with the tears building quickly now.
"Wait alone on a bench in the dark? Not knowing if someone is in front of me until it's too late?" I ask incredulously hating the way my voice trembled. "I'm going home.
Damon reaches for me again but I push him away and start walking. Walking hard and fast with only one goal in mind - making it back to the apartments before the sky was completely coated in darkness.
My heart only tears more when I don't hear him coming after me.
I brush it aside as I wipe away the tears, chest heaving as I looked around frantically, trying to familiarize myself with the slowly darkening spaces. Sassy tugs me forward and I follow, until I'm almost running against the darkness to make it back.
But I couldn't run fast enough and like always, the darkness swallows me whole.
The sky heavy now, tempering my vision as it weighed down on me. My sight only illuminated by small glimmers of light that came to me as blurred bulbs of light in the distant.
"I always knew you were soft but I didn't think you were actually a fucking fairy!" Father boomed while my cheek throbbed the way his fist did. "I'd rather have no son at all than a piece of shit like you."
I shake my head through the sobs, trying to make the voices stop mixing together to hit their punishing blows. Tearing running freely down my face as I tried to make out where I was, but my thoughts were loud and my heart was hammering for freedom, everything was just too much.
I was relieving the night where everything went wrong, back to when I didn't know Damon and lived in the agony of being this way, pretending it didn't hurt so much. But it was worse this time around, so much worse because I knew now how it felt to not be alone all the time. I knew the way it felt to laugh freely with someone, spend time with them and even, see again.
Now it was all gone.
"You deserve this."
I press myself against a stone wall, chest heaving as I welcomed the cold rush of the surface. It calmed me, though small, to have my back protected because then nobody could come from behind me. But with my eyes wide and frantic, it barely made a difference whether my eyes were open or closed because I couldn't see a single thing.
"I'll be there with you."
I sink down with a sob, back digging into the wall as tears flowed freely at the reminder of Damon's fruitless words. Words I chose to trust knowing that I shouldn't, knowing that they always let you down eventually. Knowing things always ended up with me afraid and alone.
Sassy brushes up against my legs, whimpering gently as she brushed against me. I wrap my arms around her and press my head to her's, body trembling as I cling to her.
"Please girl," I sob against her, holding her tight as I pray she understands. "Please get me home. I-It's only you left, please I-I'm begging you... t-take me home."
Sassy keens as she pushes against me, wetting my face gently before moving to tuck herself under my arms. She pushes gently, whining and pawing at me with all her effort. She pushes and pushes until I stand up, hand tight around her leash as she begins to tug forward.
I take a step and then another, praying to everything that this would work. My tears don't stop as my vision brings me nothing so I close my eyes, preferring a darkness of my own making than one meant to torture. Sassy leads and I follow, follow as quickly as I can needing to feel safe again.
I fall a few times but Sassy turns back each time to help me back up, only stopping when we were standing in front of the complex. I all but break down at the sight of the familiar building, rushing to get inside and to our home. I slam the door shut behind us and lock every latch for the first time in months.
I switch on all the lights, falling to my knees when light graces me once more and reveals the space I knew to be familiar and safe. Sassy comes straight to me and I hug her tighter than ever before. Sobbing against her as I croaked words of thanks that I knew didn't fall upon deaf ears.
I hold tight, keeping myself against the one thing keeping me afloat in this abyss.
I was done falling.
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I'm emotional right now, my eyes heart from tears so there's that.
Thoughts?
It's sad that Will is so messed up ut we got a few glimpses into his past so there's that. I honestly don't really blame Damon, I mean, it's his family. But the hand release was unnecessary.
I hope you guys enjoyed this triple upload. I absolutely adored writing it until the end, that was sad. SMH.
Vote and comment, you know how happy comments make me.
Until next time,
Byeeeeeee Humansssssss
PS - If you guys haven't heard, Alpha Mates got nominated for Best Werewolf Story for The Fiction Awards on Wattpad.
If you wish to vote please check the link on my Message Board. I can't believe it got there but thank you to everyone who nominated it.