Barbara's plan seriously sucked.
"So, then you pull that Home Alone trap." She used big arm movements to mimic whatever the hell she was talking about. "With the paint cans and the staircase? You know the one!" She pointed at Henry.
Good. I didn't.
He nodded. "Yeah, I do. But what staircase?"
"Aren't you even listening? I already discussed how you're going to lure him into the public library." She scoffed. "Idiots. Anyway, once you've knocked him out, you need to transport him subtly but swiftly into the basement of this store, which is why we're planning on stealing the stretcher. And then I'll interrogate him once he comes to, heavily implying that he's been moved to Area 51—"
"I don't think you're good at manipulation," I observed. "This plan is way too complex."
"Well then I think you're stupid!"
"Mom," Henry groaned. "This plan sucks. I told you, nothing illegal. In this plan you've already had us assault him multiple times, steal a stretcher, interrogate using methods of cruel and unusual punishment, pretend to be police officers, and create flyers advertising a fake library event."
"That last one isn't illegal," she pointed out. "Anyone can make a flyer saying anything. Freedom of speech."
"How about this," I said. "Henry sends him a text saying he wants to talk to him at the store. Andrew shows up due to his lingering sexual desires."
"Ew," Barb gagged.
"It's true. Once he shows up, Henry bitches at him on my behalf for being a scumbag and lying to Declan. But little does he know, I'm squatting behind the counter recording everything."
Barbara snapped her fingers and pointed at me. "Squatting is illegal. So is recording someone's voice without their consent."
"Not that kind of squatting!"
Henry groaned. "Guys, relax. That plan is a good one. I think it might actually work and we only have to break one law."
Barbara snorted. "I just want to point out the shocking similarities between advertising a fake event to lure him to the library and sending a fake text to lure him here. He basically copied my idea."
"But in mine we don't have to steal a stretcher from a hospital," I reminded. "Which is, to me, a plus."
"Lame," Barbara scoffed.
"But logistically sound."
"There's a major plot hole," Barbara scoffed. "Where am I in this plan? Where's Jeff, the love of my life? Dressed like a sexy officer? This plan is boring compared to mine."
"Mom, you just have to be okay with taking the backseat for this one," Henry said. "Just chill back here and eat some cookies. Jeff doesn't even like you anyway."
I gasped at his rudeness. "Not true! With my wingman abilities and Barb's natural charm, Jeff's seriously come around lately."
Barb patted my shoulder and smiled. "It's true. You're gonna have a new daddy soon, Hen."
Henry gagged.
I also gagged. "I take it back. That's disgusting."
"Alright, whatever!" Barbara said flippantly. "Get to it, Henry. Send the man the text. Let's get this ball rolling. I hate sitting here with our thumbs up our asses."
Henry typed away at his phone and showed me the final product. I need to talk to you.
"Sweet," I agreed.
"No!" Barb scoffed. "That's so vague, it's almost obvious that it's a trap. You need to add something like, 'Fuck you for trashing on my boyfriend.'"
"I disagree," I chimed in. "I think it's vague enough to get Andrew to come over here. We don't know Andrew's motivations so we can't just assume he'll respond to anger. What if Andrew wants Henry to say that he'll get back together with him? Maybe that's what he'll take from the text."
"How about I just send it?" Henry asked. "No point in thinking about every word. He'll probably come. It's me."
I raised my eyebrow.
Henry blushed. "It's just that...well. He's always in here trying to get me to talk to him. This text is going to make his day."
I tried to not be severely bothered by that.
But like...I was severely bothered.
Sure enough, Andrew responded a minute after Henry sent the text with, About what?
This was about the point when I began to steam with jealousy.
This time, Henry sent his text before Barbara and I could analyze it. You'll find out when you get here. So get here.
Barbara burst into discussion about how subpar of an answer that was — way too direct, pretty sketchy, not convincing at all — and Andrew answered in less than a minute.
Be there in five.
Well shit.
"Alright, action!" I yelped, diving behind the counter and pulling out my phone. "I'll start recording when the door opens!"
"I'll throw the cookies!"
"Mom, no!"
Barbara grumbled and returned to the kitchen.
Henry bumbled around his store for a bit, which was probably genuinely what he wanted to be doing right now. I wouldn't have put it past Henry to get in a few more minutes of work before the drama started.
The bells jingled and I pressed the record button.
"Alright, I'm here." Yup. That was Andrew's assholish voice. "What do you want to talk about?"
Then it hit me. We hadn't accounted for something. Henry really wasn't good at conversation.
"Well, um...what did you show up for?" He sounded even more awkward than I could've expected him to.
There was a pause. "To find out what you wanted."
"I guess I'm mad at you."
"You don't sound mad. You sound awkward."
"I'm always awkward. ...I mean, you've been awful lately," Henry said. But Andrew was right. He just sounded uncomfortable, not angry. Most likely because he was uncomfortable.
Shit. I should've done the talking.
I was great at talking.
"So?"
Andrew was great at being the most hatable person in existence.
"Well, you need to realize that I'm dating Dillon," Henry announced. Welp. Dillon hadn't realized that Henry was dating Dillon. "He's an amazing man. I know I've only just started to get to know him, but so far things have been amazing and...well, I hope for things to continue like this for a long time."
I was flattered. In fact, I was borderline giddy. I was blushing and happy.
But he was so off-script!
"Uh...why are you even saying these things?" Andrew asked.
"Because he deserved to punch you," Henry said definitively. "You were being a cock to the best friend of the man that I like."
Then the weirdest thing happened.
The door opened, which wasn't weird. We'd totally had not planned ahead for any other customers deciding that they wanted desserts.
But then it was Jeff's voice. "See kid, this is where you'll find Dillon. I feel like I pay the goddamn kid to walk across the street and moon at the handsome baker."
"Wait—Andrew?"
Was that Declan's voice?
"Declan?!"
"What are you doing here?"
This was not going according to plan. In hindsight, we should've made a fake library event advertisement.
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Update for Devoted is up! Expect updates on Tues/Fri